filarena Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 My girlfriend is very outgoing, friendly and open. Everytime she sits at her computer for any length of time, a guy will im her. I don't exaggerate. Every time. She shows me the conversations, and in my mind, they are flirting and she doesn't discourage it, of course, as she doesn't even see it. But several times a guy she thought was safe did hit on her even after knowing she had a boyfriend. I try and explain to her why he thought she was still flirting so he didn't care, and she gets mad thinking she did something wrong. So she says fine I just won't talk to any guys. But I don't want this b/c I feel like she thinks I"m silly for believing these guys like her, even though several have gone on to reveal his true intentions after she told me I was wrong. I don't want her to stop talking to guys just to appease me, all the while thinking there was never anything there. What should I do? Tell her it's okay to talk to them and never point out to her why they aren't giving up? Try and do so but just be even more careful to make sure it's not accusational? Or should I take her up on her offer to just stop talking to boys? Link to post Share on other sites
LN8840K Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 wow what a mess she gives up talking to guys and your days are numbered live with it or move on ...thats the only choice you may have Link to post Share on other sites
AlmostMarried77 Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 sometimes people need to learn from their own mistakes. If she's with you and she wants to be with you then you shouldn't have anything to worry about and she will learn herself that most guys have only one intention. You might also want to keep her occupied so that she spends less time on the computer for what seems to be very little reason. I know how you feel though, my wife has her own little entourage of wanna be's. It can be annoying when she appears to be giving them more attention than me but I know they have no chance and her true intentions lie with ME and i know how to get her to ignore them all Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 wow what a mess she gives up talking to guys and your days are numbered live with it or move on ...thats the only choice you may have Yea I agree with LN8804K, what a mess, she is a probably an attention seeker. You will not have a comfortable moment with a person like this. Suffer it or move on my friend. I would move for sure, she knows what she is doing and resents you pointing it out, thats it, full stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author filarena Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 We talked about it again and finally resolved it. Apparently the issue wasn't that she objected to me trying to point out why I think the guys are flirting with her, she just didn't understand what I was expecting from her. I thought it was clear I just wanted to know about guys who wanted to hang out with her and wanted to ask her to have her guard up when spending time with certain guys or under certain conditions. I finally made this clear and she's fine with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Dookie_Dont Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 I had one of these situations come up, and it blew up in my face. My suggestion is to leave it. Its asking for trouble, I went about it the same way you did too, and just like the regular "attention seeker" she got upset and said "fine, I won't talk to any guys". I also protested the same way you did. Afterwards, when we broke up because it was just out of control of guys constantly calling her causing up some drama she started dating the guy she said she never cared about in the first place. How about that? So like I said, with my experience with it, I would leave and find another. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 It sounds like you worked it out, though in my opinion she is likely to come away with the idea that she is performing a favor for you or living up to expectations. it is exactly that kind of thing that young girls start confessing to close male friends over drinks... It is better to actively not care and just make fun of her for it. So long as she knows that you are gone without drama, pain or notice if you don't care for the way she acts, you should be fine (unless she is an attention ho, in which case you are doomed no matter what). When I qualify a woman to date, I look for signs that she is smart enough to know that any man, friend, enemy, whatever, has somewhere in the back of his mind some inclination to get her naked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author filarena Posted December 2, 2005 Author Share Posted December 2, 2005 And if she isn't smart enough to see that? Or maybe likes attention more than she lets on? She keeps saying why would I want to when I tell her I don't even care if she flirts online as long as it's just flirting. But last night she mentioned she continued to meet guys online, although never cheated, with her previous boyfriend. I had thought we resolved this, but I didn't like hearing that. Makes it a little harder to believe it's naivete and not deception. Starting to get worried again. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 IMO you should be *more* controlling about this, not less. I think you need to lay down the law here and just say you aren't prepared to tolerate her talking with guys who come onto her in this fashion. You shouldn't have let her suggest not talking to any guys, you should have yourself demanded that she not do this, unless it's good male friends that she's known for a long time and that you know aren't interested in her. I would take her up on her offer, and forbid her chatting to any guys that flirt with her online. If she complains, then say you're leaving - she'll get the message. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I would take her up on her offer, and forbid her chatting to any guys that flirt with her online. If she complains, then say you're leaving - she'll get the message. Um, yeah. That'll work. He'll be alone quicker than you can say lickety split. In my view, as a girl who has a lot of male friends (some call it my fan club), I don't think I'd want anyone to tell me what to do about it. However, I'm a little older and not remotely naive about it. I know that 99.99999999% of the guys that are calling me are hoping that at some point I'll give them a chance so I never get that close to them until they show me that they care about me as a friend. When I date a guy serioiusly, teh fan club usually has to go. I don't stop flirting, but I try to never do it in front of the guy cos I find it disrespectful. This only happens when I am sure the guy's a keeper and we're headed towards a serious commitment. But I say all of this because I have matured and know how it feels to be on the receiving end. I don't think your girlfriend is being intentionally deceptive, but she is kidding herself. You called it correctly. Those guys don't give a rat's behind about you as long as she is openly communicating at whatever time. I had 2 guys that would constantly call me and ask me out after they knew I had a boyfriend. I was very cold with one while my boyfriend was there to let him know that it was unwanted attention. With the other I just told him no buddy, forget it. You can't take me out for my birthday jackass! I stopped answering both of their calls because I found it disturbing what they were trying to do. So in your case, the only thing I can offer is that you wait and see and try not to be paranoid. I think you are probably going to have to talk about it again though, as it doesn't sound like a whole lot was really resolved the first time. You might have to let her know that you may not be entirely comfortable with all of the guys around and try to find a solution that doesn't force her into the "fine I won't talk to any guys" which is relationship death or forceyou into the "ok, just don't go past 2nd base with these guys" for you. I think the only way you can get her to appreciate your position is to ask her how she might feel if you had a female fan club. Getting cosy with buddies does work both ways. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 daphne just gave you the best advice any women has ever given on this board. If you lay down the law in a controlling way, you are done (she won't dump you but she will get familiar with one of these guy's back seat). If you make sure she understands that you're not going to date a woman who does this kind of thing, you have done all you can (there is no question that she shouldn't be chatting with dudes online). If you think she is doing it anyway, then leave. She is not good enough for you. And yes, all smart women know how to cover deceptiveness with naiveté -- it comes with the territory of always being less culpable for their emotional lack of control. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Um, yeah. That'll work. He'll be alone quicker than you can say lickety split. Really? Most women value their relationship more than a few online chat buddies leching over them. The few that don't ought to be dumped immediately anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
CptHowdy Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Really? Most women value their relationship more than a few online chat buddies leching over them. The few that don't ought to be dumped immediately anyway. So why do people protest so much when the same is said about porn on these boards? That aside, I do think what she is doing is disrespectful and she should curtail it if it bothers her SO. At least I would if I were in that situation. I would have a problem if my bf asked me to stop talking to guys in general, but not if he asked me to put an end to the flirting / not play into / etc. It's a matter of respect, and I respect him. Link to post Share on other sites
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