My sister Just Doesn't Get it...She can be Nasty...

[RacerEx]

I'm 25, have a sis who is 19, has a child, not married,

lives with her boyf in L.A. I'm in NYC, Mom is in Seattle.

I moved away 4 years ago for school.

 

I have no doubt in my mind, my sis is a little screwed up

and a little scarred from our past with our mom, moving around

all the time, not having a solid family unit, her going back and

forth between her weird and sometimes abusive dad (our parents

are divorced, me and my sis have different dads) but we have a new

Great step dad, my mom and him had two other kids we love, etc etc..

SO we had a good family bond until my sis started getting unruly

at 15 and then got pregnant at 18.

 

Anyway..Before i go off on a tangent, My sister has been really

wild and been very unruly these past 5 years.

She and my mom have gotten into MANY a shoving match, yelling at each other, basically because my SIS does NOT like being told what to do, at all. She can be fine and polite and whatever, but if she doesn't get her way, She will go off on you. She can be very spoiled and selfish a lot of the time.

I mean, she had a baby out of wedlock when she was 18, yet she still

gets the support and love from us. My mom and step dad gave her

a car, TONS of stuff for the baby, etc..

 

My question is, How can i get thru to her??. She's super-stubborn and get's really defensive...She has an excuse for everything and never does anything wrong (in her eyes) She's one of those kinds

of people who takes A LOT of stuff for granted too. I mean, My mom does

so much for her, we're both kind and loving towards her, (so is my stepdad)yet my sister will give our parents Sh*t if my mom gives her

advice on how to care for the baby or other things...

 

My mom never did anything EVIL to me or my sister. Sure she'd spank

us if we were bad (and my sister was a real tantrum thower as a kid)

or make us feel bad for doing this or that, and sure my mom is

very opinionated, but She's our mom and she's never thrown us

to the wolves or left us out in the cold, she's always been there

for us when we needed her, with lots of love..So I don't get what

my sister's deal is.

 

Her and my mom just recently had a small blowout and shouting

match this thanksgiving when my mom flew my sis and her boyf

and the baby out to Seattle to have thanksgiving..My sis got all

nasty when my mom said she should keep the baby warm and not

just take him outside at night in a t-shirt, and my sister went

off and said "I'm a good mother, how dare you"...blah blah blah.

 

ugh.

 

I want some piece, i want to do something, over the past years

being her older bro, i've had no power or influence over her

like i used to. I want to help, what can i do?

[RacerEx]

to sum up...since i just read what i wrote:

 

I basically want My sister to Chill the Hell

out and realize she has a good Mother and

people who help her A LOT and people who care

and love her and that we Don't Judge her, so, she shouldn't

be go damn selfish and she shouldn't tell my

mom to shut up or Mind her own business

or Yell at her if she asks her to do something, She's still

our mother. My mom has done Plenty of good things for

my sister and for me. She's stressed us out in the past

but, hell, can't take stuff for granted...I'm a firm believer

in love your family while their here, be thankful for

every sunny day, etc etc. No point in getting mad over

stupid stuff

[tinktronik]

to sum up...since i just read what i wrote:

 

I basically want My sister to Chill the Hell

out and realize she has a good Mother and

people who help her A LOT and people who care

and love her and that we Don't Judge her, so, she shouldn't

be go damn selfish and she shouldn't tell my

mom to shut up or Mind her own business

or Yell at her if she asks her to do something, She's still

our mother. My mom has done Plenty of good things for

my sister and for me. She's stressed us out in the past

but, hell, can't take stuff for granted...I'm a firm believer

in love your family while their here, be thankful for

every sunny day, etc etc. No point in getting mad over

stupid stuff

 

I know you think your wanting to help your sister. But, she is an adult,and can make her own descisions. It does sound like your judging her ,you went on and on about how she got pregnant out of wedlock , how selfish she is and how your (this sort of thing dosent happen in our family) helped her out "even though". If she is an adult , she should tell your mom to mind her own biz , it is her child and if the baby is healthy shes doing an okay job.You charecterized her father as being "bad" and her living status as being "bad".Your sister may just be hypersensative towards your mother, this may change in time.

[RacerEx]

I may not agree with all the decisions she has made

with her life, but i would never tell her that...I wouldn't

want to make her feel bad about the mistakes she's made

like ditching school and not graduating, then having a

kid at an early age...

 

It just seems as though she doesn't see all the things

that she has sort of "gotten away with" so to speak,

and that she's darn lucky to have a family that cares

about her...So why treat mom like crap? Why fly off the

handle when she doesn;t get her way? Why yell at my

mom when she's giving her advice? I mean she cried and

cried for my mom to help her out when she needed

pregnancy help...and my mom gave it. She helped her out a lot.

 

but then when my mom asks something of my sister, forget

about it. she's just difficult to get thru to.

 

But you're right...She's an adult...she can make her own decisions

and take care of herself...but does that mean me and my mom

should just help her out whenever she needs it and

just bite out tongues?

[NiCoLe20]

my sister is the same exact way and i had to move out of my parents house b/c i couldnt deal with her... just let her live her life ... hopefully she'll mature alot more in the next 2-3 years... until then, tell her you dont want to talk to her unless she grows up and stops acting so selfish... maybe she'll get the point

[catalyst]

I think you sound like you are judging her too. Turning your back on her is a selfish act in itself. Saying "change or go away!" has a name, its called emotional blackmail. You will seriously hurt her and make her mental health worse because she will feel abandoned. Sounds like she's already dealing with abandonment issues. People like this push those that love them away because they want to beat you to the punch. If you want to show her how to show compassion and dependability to others you have to show it to her. Put your commitment to her out there as an example, and as reassurance.

 

That said, you cant be taking this stuff off of people...

 

What you can do is say something like..."I cant help you, you have to help yourself, I love you very much, but I cannot allow myself to be abused in this way. I would like you to get help for x weeks and then I will be happy to join you and see if we can learn to relate better, until then I do not want to hang out with you."

 

Then stick to it. Single parents don't last long without family support. This puts it all in her hands. It lets her know her behavior is unacceptable, but she is still your sis and you still love her. Many states will actually offer this kind of counseling for free or at reduced cost to low income folks. (look for

[catalyst]

(look for “marriage initiatives,” they also do siblings, parents and kids any family relationship I wish they'd rename the stupid things so people know that). Stick to your own feelings please, let the experts analyze her. To that end do not let the word “you” cross your lips when talking to her.

 

She may get very mad (mad is good) and may even disappear for a while, but you must make sure she knows you have not gone anywhere, you are anxiously awaiting her return to the fold.