Anyone Seperated from spouse and Living under the same roof??

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I was wondering if anyone is going through the same things as I am.

My husband of Two years wants space he says he fell out of love with me and that I pushed him away ( my story is a little more complex we eloped his parents accept me mine dont accept him he feels rejected and my parents r stubborn) I have made a ton of mistakes and I have learnt and grown.

He is worried to let me stay out the house for now until he says i can "get on my 2 feet"

I asked him if this space will help him chnage his mind he says he does not have answers for me now and it is what it is and i have to respect him and deal with it.

He says if I continue to "harrass" him about us that he will walk out the door and run.

He wants me to do my own thing and forget about the relationship and he claims we are not husband and wife.

He said maybe space will help him clear his head so that he would think of other things.

He feels i am obssesed with him, and he hates it and he also hates the fact that all I do is talk to him about the realtionship.

I asked him if good things will come out of me giving him his space and he said maybe , and he dos not knwo for now.

He says for now he has made up his mind and he needs space. The thing is we live under the same roof for finanical reasons and the fact that our families are overseas and we are alone here. He says I care about you and he says lets make the ice melt first and give me my space.

Anyone going through the same thing seperation and livivng in the same house?

Please your advice is great appreciated?

Any positive/hopeful notes are appreciated as well.?

I am very fragile/hopeful and hurt right now please dont make any responses harsh.

[witabix]

Ok sweetheart, nothing harsh here. I have done this twice it was extremely awkward for me, and I know for the women involved. What I can say is that if this is a temporary glitch, giving him space and being friendly, without being overbearing or nagging may well allow him to see that it is you that he wants. But you must prepare yourself for the worst. He, and in fact you, may see that this is not the relationship you want to be in.

 

Be calm, trust yourself and your instincts. I understand how hard this is when you are not in a support system such as friends or family. If you love him let him know in a non volatile fashion. Given time anything can happen. This is a hard place to be, I know. My thoughts go out to you.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

thanks for the reply. He would go out to dinner with me if i asked and we would not talk much. If I slept on the couch he would carry me to bed. But nothing more than that. He is okay when i stop nagging .

I hope to god that he sees the good and change in me.

He cant blame me for my parents rejection for I have tried to make them accpet. I also took resposiblities for my own actions and i am fixing my mistakes!!

How long should this go on for? I ask his is anything on stone and he tell me

that he does not know and that all he needs is space because he feels i am suffocating him.

How did your seperation and being under the same roof work?

its hard when we share the same bed its like we are oceans apart.

[witabix]

I never shared the same bed in this situation. That would have been too difficult. I left both situations.

 

It was awkward between us, I felt sad it was over, but that was the way it was. The first time I was terribly lonely as I was in a country far from my home. But I got through it and am still here to tell the tale. You will get through this too, whatever happens. You will be able , as I am to look back and recognise that while you are hurting you are also healing. Life throws pain at you some times and there is simply no avoiding it, like being caught out in a rainstorm, you get soaked, but you will eventually dry out again. Hold your head up and be strong. Cry if you have too, but don't stop believing in yourself and your value to your family and to society in general.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He says that it is over for right now.

I get the feeling he still cares.

He told his sister he is willing to work things out if hes see a change in me.

I guess I can do is give him the space he needs?

He said keep doing what your doing like being distant/kind/nice and then hell see if the chemistry sparks.

[Becoming]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I gave you a somewhat smart ass response on another thread. I've been married forever, and I know some of what you're going through to some extent.

 

Do you feel like he's emotionally distant? And is this why you're always talking about the relationship? Because you feel insecure in it and keep trying to connect with him through talking? If so, it's probably not working. It's a guy thing. Women connect through talking; men by hanging out and doing stuff together.

 

If you have abandonment issues and/or are just needy because you're in a foreign country, you know few folks, etc., you're more likely to be "smothering." So finding a life of your own with other friends and interests outside of your marriage would be helpful.

 

But I wonder if his desire to "see if the chemistry sparks" isn't BS. It ain't gonna. Marriage is about commitment to care even when the thrill dies down. If he thinks marriage is just about what he's supposed to get instead of what he's also expected to give, you may be better off giving him lots of space.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He says it is over for him right now. He also mentioned that he does not know what the future brings. He said he does not feel right about me because He believes I have no self respect. He says that he would not file for divorce because his green card is pending . And that if I do not give him space he will and find other means to stay in the country like visa etc. He could do it. He says your lucky it is pending because that gives you a chance to prove that you changed so that we dont have to go through the mess of divorcing and remarrying. I really want a second chance but he does not see there to be a need of a second chance for "right now". He still goes out with me we have dinner and shop etc.He says he is trying but its all words no action.

What else could I do other then space?

[witabix]

Hold a minute, he says you are lucky?? Isn't he as well? Anyone who considers their partner to be 'lucky' needs to take a closer look at themselves. Don't believe this rubbish, he needs the green card! Tell him to get lost! Find his own green card/visa if thats all that he is after.

[a4a]

You need to move yourself out of his bed and get him out of your head.

This sounds like he is using you. Don't you deserve more?

 

a4a

[Becoming]

Agree with a4a! I bet he'd see you as self-respecting if YOU moved out and started divorce proceedings. Does his immigration status depend on his being married to you?

 

Slip him a chill pill. Some of the things he's saying may very well be abusive, and if you put up with this, then he's right: you don't have any self-respect. And he won't respect you until you start respecting what you need and acting in accord with that instead of what looks like your addiction to him, which sounds pretty poisonous. Why would you want that for yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

Two years of marriage???

 

Usually when a spouse is asking for space, another person is involved.

 

He is insulting you- saying that you're lucky?? He doesn't want to move because of his green card, let's get real here.

 

He sounds like a real jerk and I think you'd be better off without him.

 

Start acting like you don't care- get something to do where you're not home etc.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

so you think if I show him I do not care and take care of myself. He might come around. He is really a sweetheart . I blast him with questions all the time so I guess that gets him angry and then I hear answers that I dont want to hear.

I just want a second chance.

Any tips to make him more attracted to me?

[cranium]

I agree with Mz. Pixie. When my wife of 15 years asked for "space" and had "fallen out of love", another person was involved.

 

Don't overlook the possibility he is interested in or involved with someone else.

 

Good luck.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I understand that it could be. But I want to seem more attractive to him and buy time. Make him try to regain the feelings he use to feel.

He still goes out with me to dinner /movies etc....

When we r not discussing the relationship its OK

Where can I start??

[Mz. Pixie]

In reality, sweetie, this is not about you. It's about him. He may be turning it on you- but it's about him.

 

I think if you appeared indifferent and suddenly decided to get a life of your own, while still telling him you loved him and wanted to work on the marriage it might help.

 

Google Marriage Builders. They have a great site with alot of info.

 

Whatever you do- stop the begging and pleading and 20 questions.

[Isabelle]

Doesn't sound like a real "sweetheart" to me, but one who wants his green card. You may wish to start contemplating life without him. "Losing" him might not be the end of the world after all. I agree - get your own life and see if he misses you (but don't expect to "recapture" him that way - you might or might not).

 

My own situation: I consider myself separated but haven't moved out yet. (probably will soon) I don't do physical stuff with him anymore. I am not involved with anyone else. (Have had many thoughts of various people over the years and some temptations, but don't want to leave one person for another... that's not right. However, in a situation like now where I don't have someone else I can run to but I'm still no happier being married to him... at least it seems a little more justifiable to leave.)

 

The problem is, he doesn't get it. I can tell him these things, and have been for a long time, but he seems to think life will go on as it always has. We still go out to a couple of lunches or dinners a week; otherwise, between our work schedules and the fact that I can usually find things to do on campus, we don't see each other much. He doesn't like that and says it hurts him. Even though I have told him and told him about how I feel and where I think things stand, he doesn't get it and may never. He tries to make me feel guilty.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Isabelle are you the unhappy spouse? Its just that he says he might have feelings for me in the future. He is very conservative- so he says if I move

out to anyone other than my family hell never think of getting back with me.

But the problem is my family are in the middle east- I eloped and thats a BIG NO NO where I come from. My father has cancer now but he swore he would make sure I get put away for good if I go back home reputation is more imporatnt to family.. diff culture too scary to go back home. My husband knows that -- so thats why he lets me live still under the same roof.

I told him after all we have done you cant give us a second chnace and he answers no not right now.

He tells me all I could do is leave him alone do my oen thing. Go witht he flow in other words. And if there is something then hell let me know.

I am better off doing that because I will get nooooooooooooooo comfort from going back home and I neverrr lived alone nor do I have the finicail capabilities to do so.

I cant even afford to see a counselor for support thats why i come here.

yet he still makes me pay half rent, his cars insurance. and asks for dinner or favors.

God can only help me an this point any helpful suggestions will be greatly appreictaed.

[Becoming]

Wow. This must really, really hurt. I'm sorry. You've completely cut all your ties to move here with him and this is the thanks you get?

 

You deserve better. Start making a life of your own apart from him. You can live alone. You already are, aren't you? You just don't have the peace that can come with living alone.

 

He's using you, plain and simple. Don't let him. Half the rent, OK. His car insurance? No way, unless you get to use the car. Unless you put your foot down and quit letting him walk all over you whenever he wants, he will never respect you. And without respect, love can't grow.

 

Start building your own life, including getting financially independent and building a support group. Finda a church/synagogue/mosque you find comfortable (this may take some doing) and get involved to stay plugged in to who you say is your only help (God) and friends who can support you being who you were put on the planet to be. A doormat is not your ultimate destiny.

 

Prayers and blessings to you!

[dontwanttoloosehim]

His Major problem is that he says I have changed since we got married. I did due to stress/depression but then I have improved myself and he acknowledged it. He says you are lovely now ( minus the billion question about our relationship) I think I am happy with your chnage here comes the BUT-- I cant forget about the dark side of you the disrespectful side he said its hard and he wishes i was a diffrent person but I am still me.

He told his sister he was willing to work on things if I change.

All he asks of me right now is to stop talking to him about the situation and everything will be better. He said the more i talk to him about it the more its going to ruin the chnaces of us ever being together.

I just really dont know how to win his heart back.

So respecting myself would be not to ask him questions about the relationship? Because when I do he swaers and is really not nice to me.

 

What else could I do?

 

Thank you guys so much for your help.

[dgiirl]

OMG, sweetie, this guy is an arrogant pompous ass. He's staying in the house so YOU can learn to be on your own feet without him? That's so noble of him. You're so lucky that HE needs a green card, otherwise he would have left already? He can't trust YOU and that YOU are the one who needs to change? What happen to the marriage where both partners work together and satisfy each other's lives? This isnt a marriage, this is him controlling the relationship and he's disrespecting you, treating you like a child.

 

Respecting yourself is realizing what he's doing and that if he doesnt want to be with you you kick him to the curb. You dont need to jump through hoops to please him. What kind of relationship will that be? Say you DO get him to stay? What's the relationship going to be like? You constantly walking on egg shells doing everything he wants you to do. Dont nag, smile all the time, dont ever go to him after a bad day, etc. Honey, it's NOT worth it! Are you 100% happy with the way he's been treating you? Be honest.

 

My exh wanted to stay to help me learn to live on my own. And when I said if he doesnt want to be here, leave, I dont need him to teach me to live on my own, he responded with "Dont **** up the house because you want to be independant". He also told me that it would be a miracle if in a year from now he came back to me. He denied there was another woman until a few days after he left. There's nothing you can do. Get divorce busting and implement the "as if" attitude.

 

Last valentines day my exh walked out on me (you can read my history here). It was extremely painful and i would have done anything to get him to come back. I know what you might be feeling. But sweetie, trust me, the relationship is dysfunctional and there's very little you can do on your own to fix it. Start working on yourself, your self esteem, your future, and if HE wants to be apart of YOUR life, then you can decide if you WANT him to be. You take control girl, dont give it to him! You get to decide what happens and HE should be thankful to be apart of YOUR life, not the other way around.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

So for right now the only way I could gain respect would be to stop talking about the relationship?

Like pretend I dont care? ( I bet he wishes I dont care)

Sometimes he warms up to me and says I miss you etc? He may be confused? But he has told me time and time again its over and tehre is a possibility it might come back in the future.

I want my hubby back

[dgiirl]

No relationship talk unless he brings it up. Just act like you dont care. Move on with your own life, start doing your own things. Stop telling him your EVERY move/mood, make him miss and wonder what's going on. Remember, you WANT him, but you dont NEED him. There's a difference.

 

I still think he's a pompus asshat and you dont need him. But either way, begging and crying wont get him to come back, and in fact, will push him further away, so you gotta stop it.

[fomerlyniceguy]

I still think he's a pompus asshat

 

I love that word asshat, it's very functional and meets my needs for defining many people I know.

 

Ok read a little more about your story now. Does sound like you are being used. Don't ever let anybody tell you that they are doing you a favor being with you, you have worth with or without him.

 

fng

[lint]

I would have to agree with Mz. Pizie - stop the 20 questions/nagging, etc. From what I learned my experience, the more questions, the more rebellious he might get. My husband said that we could have a great relationship if I could only have no IF's in the marriage. An unconditional marriage with no questions asked. I feel your pain, but move away from the bedroom from him. If he moves you from the couch, move back on the couch. I wish you luck.