He said He Hates Me

[Kengne]

Hi fellow LSers!

 

I've been debating for a few days now whether to post this or not, but today was a bad day for me... too much thinking today... and I'm just tired of this whole mess.

 

As you all know... I broke up w my ex M of 4 yrs in Feb of this year, due to his cheating & getting a girl pregnant.

 

We have been in C on and off. Currently - we are off, as of the last 2-3 weeks I believe? However this past Sat... my ex called (private no).

 

During our last convo 3 weeks ago where we BOTH agreed it was best if we not speak with one another... he had asked me over & over again why I couldnt hate him, why I didn't curse him out, why I didn't I call him a no good for nothin #$%%... He said it would make it easier for him to walk away if I did those things. I told him, what he did to ME as a bf was very f*cked up! But i have not and cannot call him these despicable things bcuz in my heart of hearts, I truly stil believe he is a good person. A bad bf and a cheater, YES. But in other aspects, he IS a good person and I will not take those things away from him. I asked him to let me go, and told him I needed to let him go. I said we need not be enemies. Thus, we ended the convo on that note.

 

When he called me a few days ago... the convo started out light. I did not want to be rude and rush him off the phone, as he sounded upset and like he needed to talk. I know - stupid me. I just find it hard to hurt him, even after all the hurt he's caused me. I know - stupid me.

 

Anywho - AS USUAL - the convo quickly escalated to him asking probing questions, where am I travelling to, with whom, how come I haven't called him in 3 weeks (hello? as if he didnt remember our last convo?)... etc.. I tried to stay calm. He then proceeded to tell me over and over he shouldn't have called, and how we need not be talking. I just listened, because I felt if he felt 'heard' he'd come off the phone sooner.

 

Abt 5 mins later... he turned nasty. I started to get upset and asked him point blank - did he hate me? Why he was he acting all nasty?

 

And then he said " Yes - I hate you. I hate you. You're no one to me. You're dead to me. You're a stranger. "

 

At that point I just went numb. Shocked. Never, ever ever in ANY of our arguments/discussions... has he EVER told me he hated me. HATED ME!! I have never said those words to him. NEVER!

 

How could he say that?

After EVERYTHING HE did to ME... HE CHEATED... ! And he has the nerve to tell ME he HATES ME??

 

How could he?

 

I am in total shock today. It did not hit me until today... I woke up, and I knew today was not going to be a good day. Yes - I even cried, and I am even more upset at myself that he could still cause me to cry. Why am I so emotional? Why does he say these things to hurt? All I want is to be happy, and for him to be happy. How can he say this to me, after everything we went through? Why does it hurt? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve his hate? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am just so confused.

 

After he told me he hated me... he said some more nasty things, and then proceeded to tell me to never ever call him ever again.. that I am dead to him etc... same things he has said in the past...

 

We have been broken up for over 9 mths now... I have moved on with my life, and am trying to work things out with the guy I dated right after M ®. I just want to be happy. In a perfect world, I would still have M as a friend bcuz I DO care abt him... but that's it. I do not want to be with him. What is wrong with this picture? I see now this picture is clearly impossible.

 

What hurts more than anything right now is the strength & conviction in his voice when he told me he hated me. A part of me knows, realistically, he is just saying this to hurt me - and he did. But why? Why do these things on purpose to hurt me? Better yet, WHY does it still hurt me, after all this time?

 

His involvement in my life is not healthy. Everytime I talk to him, he brings me nothing but stress. But I cannot stop caring for him. Should I hate him too? If I hate him, will I not hurt anymore? But I cannot hate. Not even him. To me, to hate someone is too deep an emotion... too much animosity... it would only hinder me in the future... I want positivity in my life... and it hurts me that he is only bringing negativity, in attempts to hurt me for not being with him.. AFTER HE FRIGGIN CHEATED ON ME!!!

 

I have forgiven him. WHY HAS HE NOT FORGIVEN ME for choosing not to be with him, AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID?? THIS IS NOT FAIR!

I'm sorry. I know life isn't fair, but it's a b!tch.

 

Maybe I'm just ranting. Can someone please help?

 

Logically speaking... I know he does & says these things to PUNISH me. PUNISH me for not being with him. PUNISH me for being interested in someone else ®. I know that logically... when ppl lose a good thing because of THEIR ACTIONS - it is easier to blame others, than it is to take the blame themselves. I know all this logically... but it did not stop the pain from coming, nor the tears from falling today.

 

Why do the people we care about, hurt us INTENTIONALLY? WHY?

 

I've also decided to NO longer answer private nos, as this is his fav way to get in touch with me. When I return to Toronto, I will ask all my friends to only call w their nos showing.

 

It has been 9 mths since we broke up... I no longer want to be with him, and am not 'in love' with him... yet he still has the power to hurt me because I care about him.... WHY? how? when will this maddness end?

 

I am glad I have made the decision to do NC. I see now any sort of interaction between us tends to be unhealthy. And I am tired of the stress he brings into my life, even though I care for him. I just have to be diligent with NC... NC is the way to go...

 

I see now that sometimes the only way to care for someone, is from a distance... because to have him in my immediate sphere is unhealthy & destructive... how can he be like this? I just don't understand... what did I do wrong? I just wish he could be happy for me. WHy can't he be happy for me? Why?

 

It hurts.

 

Kengne.

[roadx]

how can he be like this? I just don't understand... what did I do wrong? I just wish he could be happy for me. WHy can't he be happy for me? Why?

 

It hurts.

 

Kengne.

 

 

You did nothing wrong. He can't be happy for you because he is not able to be happy for himself. It is as simple as that.

 

He is not punishing you. He is like this because he is hurting inside and feels he does not deserve you after what he did to you. He has rationalised that if he hates you or has a reason to hate you then he has a reason to justify his poor treatment of you. But his stategy will not work because hate will not make him feel better. The truth is he knows the way he treated you is wrong, and he is puzzled why you don't hate him in return, but he is not used to someone as caring and forgiving. On one level he knows how caring you are and that's why he keeps coming back because no one else is as caring to him as you are.

 

The problem is that only he can change. All the caring in the world will not change him until he decides to change his ways. But, you can still continue care for him without being attached to him anymore or being responsible for his happiness or letting your happiness be dependent on him. It seems you may have a fear that by letting go it means you don't care for him. You can still care for him and at the same time let go. Just know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him and wish him well, be sad for a while. Then just let go of him knowing you did the best you could.

[SMHappyface]

How could he say that?

After EVERYTHING HE did to ME... HE CHEATED... ! And he has the nerve to tell ME he HATES ME??

 

How could he?

 

I am in total shock today. It did not hit me until today... I woke up, and I knew today was not going to be a good day. Yes - I even cried, and I am even more upset at myself that he could still cause me to cry. Why am I so emotional? Why does he say these things to hurt? All I want is to be happy, and for him to be happy. How can he say this to me, after everything we went through? Why does it hurt? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve his hate? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am just so confused.

 

After he told me he hated me... he said some more nasty things, and then proceeded to tell me to never ever call him ever again.. that I am dead to him etc... same things he has said in the past...

 

Why do the people we care about, hurt us INTENTIONALLY? WHY?

 

I can totally sympathize. My ex called up the other night wanted to talk to me about some stuff he had of mine. I had already told him what I wanted back and beyond that, do whatever he thought was fair. There was no rason to call but to harass me. Anyways, my mom took the call for me and I listened on the other end. Grrreat! He went on and on about how it REALLY was my fault we broke up, etc. She even asked him point blank the reason we broke up and he would not admit it was for the girl he's now with and cheated on me with. What he did say was wierd "I don't want this to get nasty; I don't want to end up hating her" With you I'm like "Why would he hate me? I didn't cheat! I am not spreading rumors! I am not calling him or bothering him in ANY way!

 

I think the answer to your problem Kengne is the the dark places your ex is dealing with. He probably is SO riddled with GUILT about what happened, that you being happy contrasts where he is. He WANTS to hate you because loving you is eating him up inside. 9 months - sure. Doesn't matter how long. He never got closure because of something awful HE DID. If he truly cared about you, he would've never cheated on you in the first place. But there is something broken in him that while he may FEEL the love, he does not practice it. This character flaw makes him able to ignore you, hate you and whatever he is doing. It is not because of anything YOU did girl, but because the man you WERE with is broken. Guys don't really allow themselves to really feel sometimes, and I'd suspect that if he really got down to his TRUE feelings, you'd find a man devistated over what he did and STILL not over you. There is a fine line between love and hate and if he TRULY didn't care about you, he wouldn't feel either.

 

I think you no-contact idea is the best. Don't even answer his phone calls, they bring you down and make you feel like crap. I know the feeling. Caller ID, call phone blocking - whatever you need to do. He might be mean at first leaving mean messages, but you are doing the best. My ex calls me "immature" for not talking it out with him. Ha, honestly, who's the mature one?

 

(Hugs) - You are doing the right thing - focus on the new guy, he's the one that deserves your affections.

[Painwraith]

He is trying to justify himself to himself. its easier to hate someone and not deal with your issues, blaming them for all the things that went wrong...

 

 

its not you you didnt cheat he did. You have done nothing wrong so in a word stuff him.

 

he is the prick, the idiot, the nob, the dufus, the sad hateful **** head that feels hating you is the easy way out.

[omegaRED]

Agree 100% with Painwraith. If he doesn`t hate you, he will hate himself, and he knows it. So he`s taking the easy way. A**hole.

[Kengne]

I felt alot better reading your responses.

 

SMH - I totally agree. He has told me that he is not yet over me, and still loves me etc.... and in our convo 3 weeks ago he even said he hated himself, when he asked me why I didn't hate him etc... I felt sorry for him then, because he knows he f*cked up big time but I have no animosity towards him. I guess it would make it easier for him to walk away or let me go if I hated him back, but that just isn't me.

 

I was just shocked & disappointed that YET again... in an effort to get right with himself he has lashed out to hurt me - YET again... like the times in the past where he has accused me of 'not caring' because I didnt call him regular like before, bcuz he was no longer a priority for me... Just emotional blackmail after blackmail and I am sick & tired. He needs to own up to what he did, accept it and move on. Instead of trying to hate me to feel better.

 

Painwrath & omegaRed - you guys are so on point. It just disgusts me to see him stoop to this new low, in an effort to hurt me to make himself feel better. I can almost 100% guarantee that he will call back in a few weeks, trying to apologize & explain himself as he's done in the past... saying how he's hurt, he didn't mean it (which I know)... BUT THIS TIME... it has to be different.

 

I have forgiven him for MANY many things... but I can't just let it slide or go anymore... and let him walk back into my life & continue our pseudo-friendship. It is not healthy anymore, and is much too stressful for me. I have to accept that right now at least... it is not possible, and may NEVER be possible for us to be JUST friends. Not for him at least. I was willing to try, but not if I am making 150% effort to maintain the 'friendship'. He does not and has never wanted to be friends - and I pushed it on him. Well, I'm done pushing. I am tired of trying to hold on because I care about him and/or was subconsciously punishing him. I am just tired of it all.

 

The hardest thing will be to not answer the phone when he calls because even now... yes, stupid me - I still do not want to hurt his feelings. Isnt that crazy? But I know now that this cannot be abt HIM - he is looking after his needs, and so will I. I have to do what is right for ME - and that is not talking to him. And so it's back to NC.

 

Thanks alot for your kind words!

 

K.