Losing girlfriend because of father!

[Souledout]

Sorry if this is way too long, never done anything like this before, I have tried to keep it as concise as possible, thank you for patience in reading it. I have had a very mixed relationship with my father from the beginning, he was always busy with his work so had very little time to spend with me and his way of showing emotion and love was to give me money and let me have what I wanted. He never expressed his love in words, not even to mom from what she said. He was an immigrant who was not accepted by my mother’s family ever, he never spoke to them after they married, so harnessed a lot of bitterness inside. He took pride in me as his only possession, he would involve me in his circle of friends then as the little boy I was and now as a grown up, I know what he was trying to do, but enjoyed the attention of his friends and so I let it be. We disagree on almost everything and there seems to be a constant battle of proving who is right.

 

Anyway my girlfriend of 4 yrs observed this from the beginning of our relationship, how my father would always dominate without letting me or my mother talk, as if only he knew what life was all about. In fact she became the referee in solving all our arguments and was becoming quite fed up with the situation. She advised me to slowly start keeping a distance from my parents and stop leading my life through my father’s friends and involving him in everything we do, so that we could start leading our life together alone as a couple. Unfortunately my mother was diagnosed with cancer and hence it became difficult to do that (I am not sure if inside I really could). After the death of my mother 2yrs ago things became very bad, my father nearly lost his mind and will to go on and would then naturally cling to me and my girlfriend. She had been there holding us together and was very supportive throughout, in fact my mother died in her arms, she spent a lot of time giving my father strength to go on, but she realized that my father needed professional help, as he would not talk to us or his friends which was not helping his situation. He refused to get help.

 

After sometime we encouraged him to travel around a little and we would hear from everyone he visited how he was now doing very well and was very jolly and seemed to be getting over my mom’s death, but in front of us he always made a depressed face, started crying when we asked him why, and would say- "I am a burden to you, leave me alone, I will go away". My girlfriend insisted he was doing this to emotionally control me and not allow me to think he was getting better so I don’t stop looking after him (which I have done always, sometimes to the annoyance of my girlfriend). Anyway my girlfriend stopped talking to my father as every conversation would be the same -how depressed he is -how bad life is etc. When she would mention getting therapy, then the same old – I am a burden etc. Anyway the situation with my father soon began to interfere in my relationship, he would invite friends over to his house to stay but we would end up looking after them and he would end up causing a scene which was embarrassing for us and we would have to make amends. Things reached boiling point when my girlfriends parents came to visit us and my father insisted they stay with him ( as he always stayed with them), my girlfriend warned me that it was not a good idea and that she would not tolerate how my father had behaved with his friends behaving with her parents. I did not take the warning seriously and as she predicted it was the ugliest situation that one could imagine. My father became so jealous of her parents that he would do anything to stir the situation, which I did not see, instigating me against them and also my girlfriend. I have to admit that I too was a little jealous of the attention she was giving them and hence guess was taken in by my father’s games easily. To make a long story short if possible, it ended in him insulting her and humiliating her in front of her parents blaming her for trying to cause problems between us and insulting her mother, all on Christmas day!! Oh boy needless to say my girlfriend lost it. Her parents decided to end their trip short and return back home, she has since (almost a year now) not spoken to my father. Neither has my father ever made an effort to apologize to her.

 

My girlfriend said she would put it behind her provided he finally got therapy otherwise there would be problems between us. My father agreed to therapy, needless to say however he never did get it, always found an excuse to get out of it and I never pushed him and that again made my girlfriend very mad and said was my biggest weakness, allowing him to always be in control. When I tried to explain to my father how the situation is tearing me apart his answer was – he cannot change things now, let it be. My girlfriend still gets so upset with me how I could just stand there and let my father humiliate her and her family and not do anything ( In my defence I did stand up but not as strongly as I should have). That I continue to have a normal relationship with him as nothing happened and that I have become more closer to him since and she just cannot understand that and boils inside. She says she now questions our relationship. She says that I need to keep a distance from him and make him realize all the problems he has caused not cover up for his mistakes. If she means anything to me I need to finally show some respect to her, she has had enough of this situation. That I need to start solving our problems and not avoid them in the hope they will go away, guess she is right in that.

 

I don’t know what to do, I guess inside I am afraid emotionally that if I say something to my father that he might do something to himself. I know my girlfriend is right that I am emotionally weak, I still meet him and call him often, but never discuss the current situation neither does he, that is an issue with my girlfriend. Can someone please advise how you would handle such a situation? I am totally lost, I love her and do not want to lose her but I cannot cut my father off either without hurting him.

 

 

Thanks a ton !

[littlekitty]

Take a look at this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=73525

 

It has some good advice and a lot it I think applies to you too.

[littlekitty]

Double post sorry!