random tears Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 He seems way too preoccupied with other women....asking about them to other friends, family members...... and he actually has the gall to STARE at other women when we are at parties to the point where he has gotten them to stare back at him like "what do you want, why do you keep looking at me" ......getting up when they get up, going where they go,,,,it doesnt matter who "they" are, once he is drunk he gets a little too flirty and obbsessive and pushy, as in.... a couple of weeks ago we were at a party and he and i and other got drunk and towards the end we were all dancing...well.....he starts grinding on these women,,,,which it was all in stupid fun, they were like 40 or so but still looked good for their age, well then he actually takes the hand of another friend and puts it on the womans crotch area.....to which we all laughed in surprise but then he kept doing it......pushing his friend into the woman when they were dancing and trying to push his friend and the girl closer by pushing on the girls stomach (to push them closer togehter) and this is when I had enough....apparently so did the woman because she told him to stop doing that and to lay off......and he got embarrassed...... although she is way older than i, i still got jealous and i felt i had a right to it....but when i confronted him later he told me he was really drunk and felt embarrassed but that I am blowing this out of proportion...... to me, he just seems like he has a problem with women and boundries....and judging by the party, it doesnt exclude older women either......I am not sure what this is all about, and I am confused....alot of people tell me i am beautiful and have nothing to worry about...but i am insecure.....i dont believe them nor do i think i have nothing to worry about....it doesnt matter how good i look at this point...what matters is that I am feeling really concerned about these incidents and him........give me advice, pleaseeeeee!! thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 He needs to lay off drinking, and also to not use that as an excuse for his behavior. Its a good thing that this woman him and another guy was dancing with and putting hands on her crotch didn't get slapped with sexual harrasement. Hes either really insecure within himself to want to look at other women like that and does it for attention or hes a player. or maybe a player wanna be. We all like for others to look at us sometimes and its human nature to look, but for him stare or gawk at others till they look at him like "WTF?" is not good. Does he know how this makes you feel? Have you talked with him about all this? If so, what is his excuse? That he was drunk? How about when he is not drunk? I'd say if you feel this is somthing that he will not change on, then maybe its time to move on. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 He doesnt drink often at all...in fact rarely, but when he does, he starts to get really ballsy especially when other women are present... The staring thing....... At first I thought he was doing it to make me jealous (yes I am the jealous type) but then I would catch him going out of his way to be in the same vicinity as them (making sure I am engaged in conversation with friends at a party etc) and watching their every move........When I catch him and tell him to stop he tells me how incredibly jealous I am and actually makes a big scene to where he will start running his mouth, with everyone staring at me as if I am a crazed stalker...... He is so absorbed with staring at other women that he doesnt even seem to notice now when other men stare at me pervertedly unless it is right in front of his face obvious.....it has gotten so bad that I actually have stopped going to the freakin store with him, or pretty much anywhere because his behaviour sickens me.....not that he takes me out anyway except to the store or gas stations or random parties here and there.... The party......... Yes, he was taking the hand of an 18 year old dude and putting it on the 40 year old womans crotch and booty to which it was silly fun the first time but after the 5th time, with everyone trying to be polite, the woman and I have had enough..... And yes, I have talked to him about it.....but he just insists that he was drunk and that I am blowing it out of proportion....when I asked him how he would feel if i acted like that he wasnt happy about that at all and had to some things to say about it.....I told his aunt about it, because I needed woman advice and she said , right in front of him "oh he was just drunk, and that woman is dumb anyway" He is the type that is very confrontational when other dudes stare at me, he is possesive, he is jealous, he has gotten into fights with men on the street just because they were looking at me...and yet......HE DOES THE SAME THING!!!! He is in his 30's and has been married and divorced with one child....I would think he would be a little more grown by now.... When I have told him how I feel, I get these standard responses and nothing more: *you need to stop being jealous *you always talk about the same things *you need to stop or maybe in the future we wont be together *you need help, do you want to see a doctor? *If you dont stop, maybe I will go out tonite *you need to believe me, when you start believing me, you will be so happy He says that I dont even trust him enough to go let him go out alone with the guys......well..... I dont, and that episode at the party made me feel less than secure, having reached pervert status in my mind......if he can do all of that with me present, what is he capable of without me?????? and......he NEVER lets me go out...alone or otherwise.....I cant have friends, and what friends I did have have long since bailed out because I cant hang out with them..... He tells me he loves me sooo much and that he will never leave me......hmmmmmm also that I am "extremely lucky" because: * he doesnt drink/use drugs * he doesnt hit me * he doesnt have women * he takes care of me so I need to stop my b**ching and be greatful, basically...... I have tried ignoring him and his behaviours, but the more I do that, the more he escalates because he thinks he is getting away with it all...... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 The last four things you stated are not to be used as excuses for his behavior. Not saying YOU are, but it seems he is using those excuses to justify his behavior, and its not justifiable. He seems controling in his action and his words. Kind of like "Don't you be jealous of me or what I'm, doing but I can be jelaous of you or what you're doing" kind of thing. I replied to the other post you made as well, hopefully that one can shed a little light better. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 I would say that he needs to stop drinking because it will get him into trouble ... He needs to stear clear of the alcohol because it can be dangerous for the future for you two!! If he keeps making these jestures then someone might actually take it to heart and someone is bound to get hurt!! good luck Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 If you stay with this guy expect things to get worse over time. he NEVER lets me go out...alone or otherwise.....I cant have friends, and what friends I did have have long since bailed out because I cant hang out with them..... He isolates you so that people that actually care about you don't wisen you up to his manipulations. He is the type that is very confrontational when other dudes stare at me, he is possesive, he is jealous, When you date this man, you are his object. He tells me he loves me sooo much and that he will never leave me..... also that I am "extremely lucky" because: * he doesnt drink/use drugs * he doesnt hit me * he doesnt have women * he takes care of me so I need to stop my b**ching and be greatful, basically...... In other words, "I am such a wonderful guy to be bestowing myself on such an ordinary person like you. You need to do everything possible to please me and not make me angry, because anyone else who would date/marry you would treat you like garbage." Ignoring his behavior and caving in to his demands will only enforce his idea that his views are correct. The only way this s*** is going to end is if you leave him and don't contact him again. He's not going to change, as he doesn't see his behavior as a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 "I am "extremely lucky" because: * he doesnt drink/use drugs * he doesnt hit me * he doesnt have women * he takes care of me" WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! * he doesnt drink/use drugs, ok so HE IS the lucky one!!! * he doesnt hit me, he's NOT f***ing MEANT to! * he doesnt have women, sounds like he'd be lucky to! * he takes care of me, he's damn well MEANT to!! Straighten this guy out, he sounds like a boor, stand up to him. Tell him how lucky he is to have someone still there after the way HE behaved! Jeez ANY of my g/f's would have walked if I had behaved like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 Wow....it feels so strange to actually have contact with other people that are supporting me.....thank you everyone...... He wants me to believe that I am so lucky, but I know otherwise....its like a dry drunk syndrome...."well, at least im not drinking" yea, but it doesnt justify the drunken-like behaviours...... I need to know how to get past this...You cannot imagine how many times I have sat and watched couples, from the strange to the not so strange, and I see them everywhere, holding hands, shopping with one another at the grocery store, playing with each others hair, helping each other into cars, stores, whatever....... I have never seen this behaviour on him.....he NEVER holds my hand, let alone in public, never goes anywhere with me (claiming we need to save money) (yet he can lie and say he is working while he is spending money at a bar) rarely touches me, and the only 2 times he has ever held the car door for me is when he has caught other men staring at me...... It makes me want to cry...myself, I have never had the family, and therefore never received the love I needed, which could make me clingy, but I need a little more than 2 minutes of gentleness in the morning to make me feel wanted.....When I add it all up, I would say I get a total of 15 minutes of caring time in a day.....and only 2 of those minutes are without me begging or asking or crying or throwing a fit to get it....a simple hug, a kind word, closeness......I feel so alone.... Leaving right now is impossible because I do not have the funds.....but have been seriously thinking about renting an apartment when the funds become available.......I NEED HELP.....Basically in the meantime, I need to know how to ignore him and not let him get to me... I start off ignoring him but he just keeps taking advantage of that as in "oh good she is ignoring me, I will tell her I am going out to the store and not return until 4 hours later" and then I blow up and cry and throw a fit and it just ends up humiliating me and making a bad situation worse because now he really has something to tell his friends the next day......what can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 The next time he says hes going out because you're ignoring him etc, say to him, "Ok see ya later." Or maybe, "Ok we're out of toliet paper could you be a dear and pick some up." Best thing to do is get out of that unhealthy situation. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 I need to know how to ignore him and not let him get to me... ......what can I do? Go and live somewhere else and find some one who appreciates you. Easier said than done, what he is doing is close to emotional battery. A real, caring SO would never leave you in any doubt how much he appreciates you. Even though you may fight over some things. You are unhappy, take stock, review your options and do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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