Incredibly confused...

[confusedinWI]

I'll give you a brief rundown of my situation. I have been with my husband for 12 years and we've been married for the last 4 1/2. It's always been a roller-coaster relationship, with emotional and verbal abuse playing a part, but when we were younger, it wasn't nearly as bad as it has been the past few years since he started drinking more heavily. We just bought our second home next to his childhood home that his father and step-mother still live in and we were all looking forward to the experience (my in-laws are awesome). Anyway, I lost my job suddenly and for no discernable reason and he completely shut me out, staying out after work to drink and then come home to ignore me while I feared breathing wrong so that there would be no confrontation. Fast forward a little bit and suffice it to say that I left three weeks ago today, filed a restraining order and filed for divorce. Since we've been having all of these problems (last several years), I have asked him to both quit drinking and go for counseling along with US going to marital counseling. He always said he'd 'tone down, but not quit' drinking, he went to three therapy sessions and he always refused marital counseling.

Now, I guess from what I'm hearing from his family, he's going out of his mind. He's been attending AA meetings, has been sober for almost 3 weeks and is seeking therapy to find out why he has so much rage inside of him (that is something he brought into our relationship from his childhood and really doesn't have much to do with me, just makes him more irrational). He now wants to try marital counseling with me, but because last week we had a hearing to make the restraining order permanent and I won, he can't contact me AT ALL. He can write me through my attorney, but that is all. My attorney is suggesting that I don't buy into it, so I haven't read the things that has already tried to pass along to me.

My question is this, I've been with this guy since I was 19 years old (I'm 32 now). Things weren't always horrible, but they got worse since he became an alcoholic. I have such trust issues with him, that I question his motives for wanting to do counseling. Is it because we will need to sell the house? Is it because he'll lose the lifestyle he's used to? Is it because for the first time ever, he'll be completely on his own? Or is it really because of me? I always said that I couldn't end my marriage without trying every possible thing, but is it too late? My best friend (who I'm staying with), has already told me that she will NOT stick around to watch me get hurt again, so basically it feels like if I tone down the restraining order to get counseling and just remain separated, I lose my best friend who I've known since we were 14 along with my place to stay, or I may wonder for the rest of my life what would have happened had we done counseling together. Is this really the wake up call he needed... Any unbiased advice would be great.

[foolinlove]

An alcholic will ALWAYS fight the urge to drink....and 3 weeks is not enough time to PROVE himself that he will quit. He cannot tone it down, he has a disease...he must quit all together or lose your love. I guess he has to decide which means more, your or drinking.

 

I would give him a good solid year to be sober....on his 1 year birthday...(of not drinking). I would then take this mans intentions as ....he picked YOU!

 

Best of Luck!!

[bkz]

My wife and I have allways had marital problems as well and ive allways tried to change to keep her happy but usually the change doesnt last. She has requested I go to councelling with her and alone to witch ive allways replied that we could take care of our problems on our own, we dont need anyone to do it for us (YEAH RIGHT!!!). Well that obviously doesnt work and finally she decided she had been just too unhappy for too long and wanted a divorce, that was something I never thought shed do and it was a real wake up call for me. I did go to councelling with her and still am plus have been in councelling on my own. Ive done a HUGE amount of changing through forums like these and reading LOTS of books, everything from how to love my wife the right way to sexually pleasing her to how to be a better parent, I meen it has really been a reality check for me and caused me to do more soul searching and grow more as a person than I could've ever emagined. My wife is real happy with the changes (although still a little usure they're her to stay, who can blame her) and were working on our marriage to hopefully be happy togeather. I will do my best to make sure she doesnt ever regret giving us a second chance. So to answer your ?, yes he could be making these changes for you and for fear of loosing you and yes it could really be the wake up call he needed. You may be surprised how much someone can grow and change from something as devistating as this, I know I did and im not done. For me all that my wife has put me through with the threat of divorce has caused me to grow more than I ever could have emagined and ive let her know that and even thanked her for it a couple of times. Of course all of our sitchuations are differant and this is just from my perspective/experiance, hope it helps some.