question for guys

[Nubemeister]

I have to say that I have never kept my feelings or thoughts to myself. I don't hide who I am. BUT I have had the same problem you speak of- where I felt like I was unapproachable. It didn't bother me that I wasn't being approached or noticed when I was involved with someone or dealing with lifes issues; but when I wasn't wrapped up in my own world I noticed men didn't say hi to me or smile at me.

 

I started to ask my friends, family and even strangers (like in a club) why I am so unapproachable and I heard over and over and over: "You don't give eye contact, you don't smile or laugh openly and you need to open your mouth and say 'Hi' to people when you walk by them."

 

I started to think about my actions, I payed attention to how I walked, my posture, if I looked people in the eyes as I passed by them, if I ever smiled and said hi to anyone. I found I was looking down at the ground, I walked really fast like I was in a hurry and gave the attitude that "Don't F* with me I don't have time for you". I didn't smile or greet people when I did look at them..

 

I started to walk a little slower, I looked up off the ground and into peoples faces, gave eye contact, smiled and sometimes I even say 'hi' or 'good morning/afternnoon'. I started to do this when in a club and I things started to change for me. Now I go out in public and as long as I smile, give eye contact and sometimes greet someone I will get a possitive response..

 

 

 

Im like this now...the whole looking down to the ground, don't really mean anything kind of stance. But I do it because I believe to not be important enough. I've asked people too and they have all said I either look bitchy or really shy...

Which Im not...I just don't talk much and I just have settle in the fact that I don't care for much.

But I do agree with you on smiling...and so on, it does bring a positive response.

[konfuzd]

most men like the company of women who are feminine....that includes being open, postitive and talking about your feelings and emotions. the majorilty of males don't want to date or marry females who act like males.

 

No matter how much some of you want to deny this, it is true. You often see posts about men who are stuck in the "friend zone", well girls who are not ultra-feminine, high maintenance, brainless wonders often get put in the "buddy zone" in men's eyes. I know this to be true from several experiences.

[beatlebob]

No matter how much some of you want to deny this, it is true. You often see posts about men who are stuck in the "friend zone", well girls who are not ultra-feminine, high maintenance, brainless wonders often get put in the "buddy zone" in men's eyes.

 

I dated two girls that turned out to be high maintenance. Those types get put in the sex or the b*tch zone.

 

A woman who has her own life and can deal with her own problems is cool with me. I don't need emotional swings 24/7.

[lsloggedmeout]

You are in my opinion part of the minority Beatlebob. Not only from my own experiences, but seriously how many of you have male friends who are married or in LTR who constantly complain about their woman calling the shots? How many times to you go to a public place, and see some woman nagging at her SO? -I see this, and I wonder to myself, why do people put up with this? The more they put up with this, the more power it gives to her and other women to continue the destructive behavior.

 

Yes, it goes both ways too, women stick around with men who beat the crap out of them, become deadbeat dads etc. (but this post was specifically about men, so I'm going to stick with that for now)

 

I think I am part of a minority of females as well. It takes far too much effort to nag at someone to try to change their behavior to create some fairy tale romance. If something bothers me, I will bring it up in a lighthearted way, figure out if it can be worked through, and then go for a beer afterwards. I don't dwell on petty sh*t, and if it becomes a big problem that creates stress, I will eliminate it. I don't think I have the right to expect someone to change their lifestyle or attitude for me. Nor will I change who I am for anyone else. Relationships are about adapting to eachother, and growing togehter, not about creating Frankenstein in your basement. Men, unfortunately don't respond well to this... After letting my ex know it bothered me that he was constantly late, he just continued to show up late, never phoning, so when I ended the relationship over it, his reply was, "I never thought it was a big deal because you never got really mad about it"...

 

That, in my opinion is how many male brains work. They will take advantage of whatever scenario is best for them, and forget that their actions affect another. They need a smack upside the head to realise that their behavior affects those around them. I for one don't feel the need, nor have the desire to get all worked up over it. So, I inevitably end up alone.

[archbean]

thanks guys.... trying to keep my head up and smile at people, but it's hard cause i don't usually do that, unless i'm in a really good mood.

 

i'm not sullen, kinda pessimistic a lot, but with good cause, as seen below. i guess i only stand back from things because i'm afraid of making them worse than they are, or ruining something good, which i seem to have a tendency to do. like just a few hours ago, i was working in the studio, and within an hour: i cut 2 fingers, not badly, but it kinda hurt; screwed up a large part of my final model, but i can make up for it, although it'll be hard; knocked over my best friend's lamp, then broke his drafting board while trying to fix the lamp, and so he told me "go. just... go."; and screwed up my model more; came back to my room for a break, wearing my t-shirt and no jacket, to distract me from my idiocy, and it's pretty cold here, and the wind is fierce, so i was very very purple by the end of my 10 minute walk.

 

"No man wants a woman who is going to cower like a beaten dog"

i feel rather like a beaten dog... but i don't cower exactly, unless cowering includesholding back all the things i'd like to say. i'm working on that though too...

[michaelk]

You know, based on your last post, it sounds like you're focusing on the negative things that happen in your life and using them to paint yourself as a bad person. For example:

i'm not sullen, kinda pessimistic a lot, but with good cause

or

ruining something good, which i seem to have a tendency to do

 

Cutting your fingers or breaking your friend's drafting board are accidents, yet you punish yourself for them by walking in the cold and wind for 10 minutes without a jacket. This is not a healthy reaction!

 

We all have bad days, and bad things happen to everyone. You can't control that. What you can control is how you choose to view and react to these happenings. Stop focusing on yourself so much and look at others. Notice that other people have problems, too. The universe is not singling you out, it deals bad hands to all of us from time to time, so stop taking it all so personally!

 

Next time you screw up, remember that you're only human, and that many of us have screwed up far worse than you have! This shift in perspective will improve your state of mind, which will help you give off a more positive vibe naturally, which will solve the problem you originally posted about. One day, you might even discover that you're smiling, head up, without even realizing it!

[archbean]

it's wasn't a punishment so much as "i need a distraction" and i had returned my friend's coat. but it didn't work as a distraction either. it worked more as, "damn i'm an idiot, i shoulda just sucked it up and asked to borrow his coat again"

 

i try not to be pessimistic, but when things go wrong, they don't go wrong in ones or twos or threes... they go wrong nearly everything at once. first i'll fall asleep and miss a psych test, then still not wake up and miss an italian quiz, then when i finally do wake up, i go to work on my drafts and spill something on them, or get zap-a-gap super-SUPER-glue dripped on my model, and get half my hand stuck to it, then find out later that i'm being charged extra tuition for a credit i'm not receiving, then not have time to finish my work, then have my mother call and rag on me about everything... maybe it's not alot, but it's really hard to take all at once. i really do try to be optimistic sometimes, but it's hard, and i need to work on it. i'll tell myself "it's really not that bad at all, i still have almost 4 days, i WILL finish, no big deal, next semester will be sooo much better, i'll have time, i'll know how to make sure i'm awake for class, everything will be good".... but then i remember that that's pretty much exactly what i told myself during senior year about this semester... and it kinda ruins it... but it's not completely a bad thing, because then i don't look forward to things so much, and so when something goes right, or better than i expected, which is often, then it makes me feel so much better

 

i'm trying to adopt the philosophy of a guy in my studio class: "don't worry about it. no big deal. life goes on."

[lilmoma1973]

We are sooooo different Alpha! I'm definitely not most men.....where do you get these generalized notions anyway......what makes you the authority to speak for, "most men".....I've asked that before, but you've never answered me on that one.

 

I married Mrs. Moose JUST because she didn't follow me around like a lost puppy, pour her heart to me every chance she got, left me alone when I wanted to be left alone.

 

I don't care to ask her about her feelings or emotions unless SHE brings it up herself. (She has probably done that twice in the past 18 years).

 

She is stand offish, and I have no complaints whatsoever......how does that make her, "act" like a man????

 

Archbean,

 

I'd be willing to bet that you are extremely attractive, and would be a very nice catch for any man.

 

People most likely don't approach you, because of indimidation, more for your beauty than anything else. Fear of you rejecting them......nothing to worry about............

 

 

Totally agree with you Moose great post !!

[cooldude]

well first of all, i must mention that i was in love with a person who was "not an open person". at first i wondered why a person who be like that and why they can't be more responsive or demonstrative.

 

i found out that some people are made that way... the way their brains are wired like that. but their emotions are real but covered. even if a person thinks - its all in the mind, i have to just force myself to smile more and show emotion - its depends on how old you are. you have been this way all these years and cannot suddenly change! basic instincts remain the same no matter how much a person changes voluntarily.

 

when a guy considers making a move towards any girl, first we set our expected response. if we get something lower than expected, we usually think that we are not welcome.

 

but after meeting the person that i loved and after understanding this, i had the most caring relationship ever. she is accused of being cold or the like. but i am one of the people who can testify that she is a warm caring person. incase you're wondering what happened between us, she got married to someone else.