Re: my mom died eight years ago, and it still hurts!

[chick]

hi ileana,

 

i can't speak from experience, as i have never lost anyone really close to me, however i think time may EASE the pain, but i'm not sure it ever completely goes away. it's so natural for you to miss her and still want her in your life, but it sounds to me like you have a hard time accepting her death. have you considered counselling? i think that would be your best option here, to help you get over the anger and pain. everyone needs someone to talk to, and if you feel you don't have anyone in your life that you can open up to, then maybe you should consider speaking to a counsellor, who can help you understand and deal with your feelings. be open to the idea, don't dismiss it, it may be a turning point for you. it's not healthy to bottle up your feelings....trust me, you will feel so relieved if you get things off your chest and get some help from someone. it's without a doubt the BEST THING you can do for yourself.

 

good luck to you and keep smiling!

[Tony T]

The pain diminishes over time but it never completely goes away. The loss of a parent is extremely difficult. There are many who lose one or both parents when they are young children. You should celebrate the years you were able to be with your mother and the relationship you had.

 

The anger you feel could come from many places. You could be angry at your mother leaving you, but my guess is anger that great has its roots in other of your life experiences you haven't talked about here. A good counsellor can help you identify the source.

 

Start enjoying those recollections of your mother. Instead of being sad, just be grateful you are able to remember her...grateful that she didn't leave you when you were so young you wouldn't have had these great memories.

 

Unfortunately, it is an absolute of life that everything comes to an end sooner or later. Or maybe that's fortunate. If wonderful things lasted forever, they wouldn't be nearly as wonderful.

[marzipan75]

Hi,

 

It's perfectly normal for you to miss someone you love that passed. And yes, not having any friends really does hurt because they provide you with the support you need the most. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? I've done it and there's no shame in it, sometimes they can be the best friend you need. At the same time, I can understand your need to be around people and your want to get over something like this. The truth is I don't think we really ever completely let that go, you just move on from where you are at that point in your life. I'm thinking that your youngest leaving home is probably the big key in all this. This is a difficult time for you and you feel alone so you begin remembering and looking for that person who was always there to help you. It's so natural to feel that way.

 

I don't mean to sound like a bible salesman but are you religious at all or do you believe in God? The reason I ask is because you may want to consider joining a church group or a non-denominational church (Unitarian maybe) that would certainly help you to get out there and meet people. This is a tough time in your life and life's too short for you to spend it without any friends. Also, what about getting a punching bag? For those days like this one when you feel the tremendous anger building up, take a punch! I have one and it helps a lot! If not, then why not join a gym, you can use your anger constructively by doing some kind of physical activity and at the same time you'll be open to meeting new people.

 

If you ever wanna talk, I tune in here quite frequently and I can listen. I go by Marzipan75.

 

I hope this has helped some. You should also consider talking to your youngest, chances are you won't worry him, you'll actually make him feel better because you can share some of this with him. If he's old enough to leave home then he's an adult and he can probably give you some ideas of what you can do when you start feeling this way.

 

Peace to you.

does the pain ever go away? sometimes i walk by her picture and smile at her, sometimes i walk by her picture and want to punch it, depending on what my mood is and what is going on in my life. when my mom died i had little to no support because i had to be there for my youngest daughter at the time age 11. i had to be strong for her and later when my sister and aunt all died too, all within six months of each other, i fell into a depression. i was helped with anti-depressants and thought all was well again. of course the whole time i always missed my mom, but lately it seems that i have been dealing with some health issue and personal issues and it seems that i have so much anger inside me that i want to just punch things. i can think about my mom and how i just want to talk to her, i feel so dam lonely at times, i really don't have anyone, and my youngest just moved out and i miss her as well. i've never made friends since i moved here, don't know why, just too shy i guess, don't have the social skills i had when i was younger. i have my boyfriend tho but he don't even know about my angry feelings, toward what? are they toward to my mom directly or just there about my life and situation or is the anger because she is not there to talk to? i wish i new, sometimes this anger makes me very scared too, i just don't know how to handle it anyway. i want to cry as i sit here, but he will be home soon and will worry if i'm sitting here crying. i don't want his sympathy, or anyone elses, i'm just wondering why don't it ever seem to stop hurting? why doesn't the missing her go away? i was very close to my mom, and since she died i have not had anyone to really talk to about things in my life. she was always my sounding board, always there for me, even when i would get mad at her for telling me what to do, when i didn't even ask. just to hear her tell me what to do again, would make my whole world seem right, God i feel so lonely without her, i miss her so much. thank you for listening.

[ileana]

hi marzipan, and thank you very much for the encouraging words....i guess the reason it has been so hard to bring this up to anyone is because it has been so long...people just expect you to be over it after all this time...thing is i don't think i've ever been over it...

 

i work out 4-6 days a week and when i'm running on the tread mill i think about the frustrations of whatever is bothering me at that moment and i run all the faster...

 

i've gotten pretty good on the tread mill for it too! lol!

 

thank you for responding...i really appreciate it...it's nice to feel validated even if it is eight years later..

Hi, It's perfectly normal for you to miss someone you love that passed. And yes, not having any friends really does hurt because they provide you with the support you need the most. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? I've done it and there's no shame in it, sometimes they can be the best friend you need. At the same time, I can understand your need to be around people and your want to get over something like this. The truth is I don't think we really ever completely let that go, you just move on from where you are at that point in your life. I'm thinking that your youngest leaving home is probably the big key in all this. This is a difficult time for you and you feel alone so you begin remembering and looking for that person who was always there to help you. It's so natural to feel that way.

 

I don't mean to sound like a bible salesman but are you religious at all or do you believe in God? The reason I ask is because you may want to consider joining a church group or a non-denominational church (Unitarian maybe) that would certainly help you to get out there and meet people. This is a tough time in your life and life's too short for you to spend it without any friends. Also, what about getting a punching bag? For those days like this one when you feel the tremendous anger building up, take a punch! I have one and it helps a lot! If not, then why not join a gym, you can use your anger constructively by doing some kind of physical activity and at the same time you'll be open to meeting new people. If you ever wanna talk, I tune in here quite frequently and I can listen. I go by Marzipan75.

 

I hope this has helped some. You should also consider talking to your youngest, chances are you won't worry him, you'll actually make him feel better because you can share some of this with him. If he's old enough to leave home then he's an adult and he can probably give you some ideas of what you can do when you start feeling this way. Peace to you.