Can anyone really get what they need from just on person?

[Solvig]

I am 29 yrs old and have no children. Okay so here's my story, I'll try to make it short, but it's complicated.

 

I cheat on my boyfriend whom I have been with for over two and a half years. The realtionship started out very passionatly and lovingly. During the first year that we were together he often took long breaks from our relationship and claimed constanly ton need much space. He also had a job which kept him on his toes and was unable to attend many social or famial events with me. On our first year anniversary, having commitment problems, he told me that he no longer knew what he wanted from our relationship, was unsure of our future, and wanted a break with no communication until he made up his mind. He then refused me contact. At this time I felt that I was alone and therefore lived my life accordingly. I did not seek emotional comfort from others save girlfriends, but I did go out and hae fun. Occasionally this fun led to other things. At this time I did not sleep with anyone else but I did make out with some. Later my boyfriend came back, said he had made up his mind and in his opinion we were never broken up. I pretended nothing ever happened. I was jut happy to be with him.

 

After that he stopped having sex with me. It became that we had sex maybe every month or two, give or take. At his time I also developed a strong friendship with a man that I work with. We have common interests and are able to talk to one another about things which my boyfriedn is not interested in, such as philopsophy and religion. This other man filled a gap in my life that has been sorely missing. When I ask my boyfriend why he doesn't like to talk to me about these kinds of things he says something such as "I just don't like to overannalyze things or pick them apart" or "I don't like your generalizations". I think that he just doesn't understand the way that I speak because he doesn't think the way that I do.

 

Anyway, this friend became a great comfort to me during times when my relationship was rocky. He also began to confess that he felt he was in love with me. As I am not all together sexually attracted to him and did not want to start a complicated affair, I resisted the preassure to sleep with him..that is until one alcohol related encounter. The condom broke and three months later I found out I was pregnant. The situation was made ven worse by the fact that I have had some serious health problems and a preganancy was risky. I didn't know who the father was since my boyfriend actually did sleep with me around the same time that I slept with my co-worker. My boyfriend assumed that the baby was his and he did not want a baby so he helped me through an abortion. He was very caring and loving and I felt like dirt for accepting his care. The other man actually wanted a child with me and saw this a s a means for me to be with him instead of my boyfriend and he was very hurt by the situation. So I felt like an idiot for having gotten myself into the situation and like a terribble person for having been so dishonest and for hurting others, but I take full responsibility.

 

There has also been an ex-boyfriend that I have slept with a handful of times during the last year and a half of our relationship. We don't talk on a regular basis but we see one another when we go out because we have the same friends. Ny boyfriend hardly ever goes out with me. I have fun with my ex and he gives me the romantic attention that I don't often get at home. My boyfriend has no good answers for me all of the times that I have tried to ask him why he doesn't sleep with me very much and I don't understand what is going on between us. I think that he just is not very interested in sex, although I seem to be very attractive in the eyes of others. I have no emotional attatchment to this ex-boyfriend. It is not about that.

 

After the abortion my boyfriend asked me to move in with him and I was very happy. I tried very hard to reform my behavior and to be a good girlfriend to him. We have been living together for a few months and it has not been easy. Our life together is very boring and monotonous. He is only intersted in movies and music and does not want to participate in any activities that I think of. He doesn't like to talk to me about the things I'm intersted in and he doesn't want to have sex with me very often. Sometimes I wonder why i am here at all, what is it that he does want from me if not the sharing of these things? He sits on the computer for up to seven hours per day and smokes while I clean the house. I can't get him to help me much around the house and the place looks like a teen-age boys apartment. I have asked him several times if he would be intersted in having a non-monogomous relationship and he always says that he only wants me. I don't understand this; I know that he loves me but love and sex are not the same things. If we are not getting what we need from each other then why should it be so evil to get it elsewhere (and this does not just mean sex)?? I'm wondering just how natural of a thing monogomy is. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this sort of life, but I do want someone to share my life with which is why I have kept trying despite all my shortcomings. Is there anyone else who has felt this way?

[JadeStar]

You cheating, or feeling the need to sleep with others basically means you're in search for something you're missing in your life. You're trying to fill an empty void. My guess is maybe from a troubled childhood, a father figure you never had? Maybe something tramatic happened and you feel sleeping with others is the answer to feel loved.

 

 

I say you need to cut your b/f loose. At least until you can get yourself straightened out. Maybe once that void has been filled completely for you, then you may be be able to be in a committed relationship. Its unfair to him to string him along feeling the way you do. I think you may want a bit of both worlds. Him to be there for you kind of like a crutch, someone to lean on, the comfort of being able to say you have someone, but yet still want to be with others. it doesn't work that way. Figure out whats going with you, before getting involved with another in a relationship.

 

 

 

Jade

[Hot Coco]

I can't figure out why you're even with the guy. Doesn't sound like you have anything in common.

 

To me it sounds like one of two things. Either you're just not ready for a relationship with ONE person or he's just not that person. Or maybe it's both.

 

To answer your opening question. No, of course we can't get ALL of our needs met by just one person. But with the right one we CAN get MOST of them met. I don't think you have the right one.

[Solvig]

The things that we have had in common are our interests in music and live shows. This is how we got together and what we have always done together. I like movies too, the problem is that I didn't realize this would be ALL we would be doing together.

[Craig]

Your bf sounds more like friend material but it's probably too late to be just friends. It could be time to move on and find someone that can meet your relationship needs after working out what you want in a relationship of course.

[Solvig]

JadeStar you're very good at this sort of thing. You said some things thay hit me deep, but I'm not ready to reply beyond that right now.

[JadeStar]

Solvig, I'm sorry and I understand. It was just basically speculation on what it MIGHT be, not saying thats the way it is in your situation. Feel free to respond if you like, when you're ready or if you want too. I will try to help if I can, as I'm sure others will too.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[lilmoma1973]

 

Sounds to me that you are scared of commitment with anything you do so you mess with others so you don't feel alot with one person ... Could be from your childhood as Jade said .. i know my h has a hard time showing his feelings because he never was shown how to be loved and his parents never really was there for him and he felt abandon his whole childhood ..