Why the games??

[cherriesred]

Oh...where to start??

 

First, I'm so thrilled to find a place to ask this question in the first place since my "problem" is a secret that I won't share with anyone.....the less people that know the less likely someone will slip my secret out....

 

I'm married and am very attracted to a co-worker who is in my eyes view all day long.....

 

Back to the beginning, I knew i was attracted to him from the minute I came in for my job interview .... I got the job and was put in a office with a big window that looks out into the main area, so everytime i glance up from my computer screen i see him. At first it didn't seem to be a problem because he all but ignored me completely anyway. He was living with someone, The first time that i made it clear that there was an attraction was at the first Christmas staff dinner i attended.,3 months after starting with the company, I had to walk by where he was sitting at the table, and I put my hands on his shoulders to pass by him, as I did I bent to whisper in his ear that I really liked the sweater he was wearing. NOTHING! was the effect that had. Fine, I was married and it was the better that he ignored me.

 

I don't remember when things started to change or how things started, but by the summer he was coming outside while i was on break and having 2 smokes as he sat and talked to me. No flirting, in fact we talked about my family. It didn't register with me that he was coming out to spend time with me, it wasn't often enough i guess. But slowly i noticed that he was paying alot more attention to me when we were working. After months of working in eyes view of each other, I realized he was making alot more eye contact with me when i looked up from my desk.....which was usually followed with a smile. Or watching me as i walked by his desk to the photocopier. He was flirting with me.....nothing wrong with some innocent flirting. Some how we progressed to sending each other emails, that contained some flirting. Quite often followed up with "you're married" by him.

 

First night out together, another of our co-workers was getting married and having a social that we both decided to attend with others we worked with, my friends and I are were going to be his ride since we live closest together. He gave me his phone number and I gave him my cell number. My friends left us at the social, so we decided to meet up with his friends at the bar. We left the social together, there was alot of physical touching on my part, meaning running my fingers on his back when walking by, holding his arm through the bar. I called my husband to come pick me up at the bar and I left him there. The next day when i spoke with my friend, she asked if my co-worker realized i was married because of the tone and content of the conversation he and I had. Yes i ensured her he knew .....we are just friends.

 

A few weeks later he showed up at a bar i was at, he was quite intoxicated and the only thing significant i remember from the brief conversation we had before i left was "we both know nothing is going to happen, it's just innocent flirting" unsure of where that came from it played on my mind. How did he know, if i was the one that was married and at that point i didn't know nothing was going to happen.

 

As the second holiday season rolled around... oh how things had changed between him and i, we now exchanged daily ALL day emails back and forth, constant flirting both from across the office and in our emails although he seemed to stay on his side of the "line" he drew in the sand that we weren't allowed to cross....another thing that had progressed is that this time after our staff Christmas dinner, i went back to his house with him. This is the first time I felt guilty about what i was doing, and abruptly left shortly after we arrived at his house. I told him honestly that i had to leave because of all the guilty feeling i was having. As he walked me to the door, it struck me as odd that he said "well that settles that then doesn't it" . He hugged me and said to me as we stood in each other's "personal space" he would never "mess" with another man wife.

 

WHAT??!! here he was openly flirting with another man's wife, inviting her to his house. I wondered on my ride home, was it my feelings of guilt that made him say that?? Besides hadn't we already decided that "nothing was every going to happen"

 

Things changed after that, we still flirted with eye contact and smiles. but our emails were full of my confessions that i now felt comfortable sharing with him of the crush i had delevoped on him and his stance that he wasn't interested in pushing things over the line which made it safe since he wasn't interested....but yet for a guy not interested in messing with another man's wife he sure did things that made me wonder.

 

eg. After sharing with him what a turn on i think a man fresh out of the shower was, he was started inviting me over and mentioning that the time i would be able to get away and come would be at the same time he would be showering.

 

After explaining him that one of these days he was going to stand to close and i was going to kiss him, when walking me to the door he would stand so close our bodies at some point would touch.

 

This is where the games come in......I need insight now that i shared a brief history of what has gotten us to this point.

 

Neither of us seem capable of stopping what we are doing. We have both at different points and times "called it off" -- stopped the emailing, and the flirting although we still check to see if one or the other is looking. ...but somehow we end up exchanging emails and flirting again. I have been to his home numerous times -- nothing physical ever happens. We visit for a short while and then i leave and go on to whatever it was i was suppose to be doing in the first place.

 

Now in the last year he has constantly stated that he wasn't interested in having an "affair" with me or crossing the line. He won't admit that he is attracted to me. He says he doesn't care if we continue and he denies having any sort of feeling for me. Even though i have been very open about my attraction to him, the fact that i would sleep with him given the chance and that i now have some kind of feelings for him....and at the other end of the spectrum i have also told him if he wasn't interested that i couldn't "play his games anymore" and i want it to stop.

 

So the question is if he is isn't interested or attracted to me according to him...why does he continue to flirt?? Why did he start it up again after calling it off -- this time we managed to go just over a month and i had just convinced myself that it was really done this time. Why is coming to this year's Christmas party after saying he wasn't but then found out that my husband isn't coming (normally spouses aren't invited this year they are) decided he would come?? Why when i went to visit him once again last Friday, did he ask for a hug good bye this time?? and when i called to ask if i missed the chance to kiss him ...he said proably(sp) not??

 

Am i in danger of this emontional affair becoming a physical affair after so long and even though he says he isn't interested in it going there....he actions sometimes don't match the words coming out of his mouth. Either he interested or he isn't.......I'm tired of the games!!

 

Sorry this post was so very long!! I appreciate the input to my situation...

[JadeStar]

You stated that he has said he wont cross that line. The line was crossed when he started flirting back to you. You're wondering if theres an emotional affair that may take place, there already is, maybe to a point but theres one there. He probably feels and you may as well, that innocent flirting is ok, as long as no "lines" are crossed physically, he wants to play it safe. However, theres nothing safe about it. Emotional affairs are usually far worse than a phyiscal one because of the bond that is formed. I think you need not worry about these mixed signals he may be sending you, as far as him not getting involved with another mans wife. Hes already involved to a degree. I personally feel that he knows exactly what he is doing, to get you where he wants you. How he feels should be the least of your worries. Your main focus should be on fixing whatever is wrong in your marraige, because that is why this happening to begin with. If you do not want to fix or work on your marriage, your best bet is to get out of it.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[filarena]

Totally agree with Jade. His mixed signals shouldn't fool you. He may even at times feel guilty about what's going on, but at this rate, something is most definately going to happen. If something is wrong at home, fix that. If not, you need to ask yourself why you're doing this. You may even want to come clean to your husband now. It might deter you from following through, and it's not like an awkward fight isn't in the brewing if this keeps up.

[cherriesred]

Thank you so much for the insightful replies!!!

 

jadestar: you have summed up what i have felt for so long, and have confronted him with. He may not be sleeping with another man's wife but what we are doing is still messing with one. That i'm not doing this by myself and that he is an equal. I know and admit that what we are doing is an emotional affair, although we don't discuss personal going ons. Although recently i confessed to him in an emails that my husband left me for a short period while he and i were on the month long "time out". But i refused to go into details, I have tried to keep my marriage out of our conversations.... i see him trying to creep it into different conversations now....like when i was there friday he asked why i could come by anytime when normally i have to "arrange" to be able to get away. He has asked several times why my husband isn't coming to the party....stuff like that....and my answer is always the same.... "I will not discuss him with you"

 

Fix what's wrong at home.......oh if it were so easy. but life isn't always easy i guess......i can't even begin to count the number of times i said to myself this going to stop i owe to my husband, my marriage, myself, my kids to stop this before it goes to far......and when i pull away from him he comes on stronger....and because admitingly i have a crush on him ......i continue to give in to his flirting.....and find myself back "here"

 

Thanks for the advice....it gives me something to think about.....and hopefully in the new building things will stop because my office will be one the second floor away from him......

[JadeStar]

I understand and I'm not saying fixing your marraige will be easy. But I guess the main question is do you want to work on fixing it? How about marriage counseling if you feel your marriage is worth salvaging? If you do want to work on your marraige with your husband and he does as well, you will have to first start by stopping ALL contact with this other man. may I ask what is going on in your marriage that has brought you to the point where you are at now? You don't have to say, but it may be more helpful to get it out. Thats up to you though.

 

 

 

Jade

[jessica77]

I am going through a very similar experience right now. I totally understand where you are coming from. But, you know what life is really short and in chasing butterflies, we miss out on the real thing! So, you really need to figure out what is it you want. You mentioned you have kids, take comfort in them. You know...I am not trying to judge you as believe me I know how easy it is to like someone who is nice. But part of liking someone is figuring out what you like about them and is it something deep or superficial. A very important part is also trying to figure out how genuine they are to you. So, take one step at a time...and try and see if you can be happy without having to rely on someone else to provide it for you..

YOu know what I mean.....

[cherriesred]

I am going through a very similar experience right now. I totally understand where you are coming from. But, you know what life is really short and in chasing butterflies, we miss out on the real thing! So, you really need to figure out what is it you want. You mentioned you have kids, take comfort in them. You know...I am not trying to judge you as believe me I know how easy it is to like someone who is nice. But part of liking someone is figuring out what you like about them and is it something deep or superficial. A very important part is also trying to figure out how genuine they are to you. So, take one step at a time...and try and see if you can be happy without having to rely on someone else to provide it for you..

YOu know what I mean.....

 

WOW!! There is a very eye opening way to look at it!! Chasing butterflies i may miss the catch i already have!! Hmmm.....

 

I should make it very clear that i am not interested in starting a REAL relantionship with him, i'm not interested or even contemplated leaving my current situation to be in him. It's the chase that seems to give me some excitement!! I have always been the hunter in my relationships, and even my husband USE to be a challenge.....I have already explained to my co-worker that i was only interested in a no-strings thing, that he would be free to keep doing what he does and that is why we never talk about personal going ons....because i don't care who he is dating or seeing.

 

In my "real" life i control EVERYTHING, the house, the money, the kids, our social life or lack of, meals, family events.......and with him i have no control over anything. He seems to call all the shots......

 

I have always gotten my "prey" so to speak, and with him.......it's like he is always at arms length....and i can't get him where i want him. Like a cat hunting a mouse, and we play and play but i can never catch him. He teases me and just when i think that this time......WHAM .....he runs away.....and we start all over again.

[cherriesred]

I understand and I'm not saying fixing your marraige will be easy. But I guess the main question is do you want to work on fixing it? How about marriage counseling if you feel your marriage is worth salvaging? If you do want to work on your marraige with your husband and he does as well, you will have to first start by stopping ALL contact with this other man. may I ask what is going on in your marriage that has brought you to the point where you are at now? You don't have to say, but it may be more helpful to get it out. Thats up to you though.

 

 

 

Jade

 

Hi Jade......

 

What's going in my marriage that has brought me to this point?? So many things that it would be very hard to pinpoint...major things are we share NO common interests....he enjoys staying home playing video games **yawn** ...and i enjoy going out and socializing. He does his thing with his friends, i do my thing with my friends.......

 

We don't agree on raising the kids for the most part (they are my kids from a previous relationship) ....so i always get final decision mainly because we rarely agree although our discussion about that are NEVER in front of the kids..EVER.

 

I have some serious resentment built up from when he use to come home from work and lay down on the couch with his feet up playing video games while i cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, got the kids ready for bed.....i should give him credit where credit is due though.....in the last year he has started helping out when asked.......

 

those are a few that are a little easier to pinpoint.......marriage counseling is out of the question.....he would never....he thinks counseling is a joke and a huge waste of everyone's time....besides he would miss his video game time.

[JadeStar]

Would you like to feel this way with your husband again? The way you feel with this other man? If so cut this other man loose and start working on your marraige. I don't know enough details about your marraige to know what has happened that has brought you to the point where you're at now with your situation. You said at one point your husband was a challenge to you as well, you can probably get that back if its what you want. You can play a"'cat and mouse " game with your husband too, if you feel you're bored or missing something from your relationship with him. Its all in what you both want to do though. Whats the biggest thing or main issue that is missing from your marriage that has brought you to where you are now?

 

 

 

Jade

[JadeStar]

Hi Jade......

 

What's going in my marriage that has brought me to this point?? So many things that it would be very hard to pinpoint...major things are we share NO common interests....he enjoys staying home playing video games **yawn** ...and i enjoy going out and socializing. He does his thing with his friends, i do my thing with my friends.......

 

We don't agree on raising the kids for the most part (they are my kids from a previous relationship) ....so i always get final decision mainly because we rarely agree although our discussion about that are NEVER in front of the kids..EVER.

 

I have some serious resentment built up from when he use to come home from work and lay down on the couch with his feet up playing video games while i cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, got the kids ready for bed.....i should give him credit where credit is due though.....in the last year he has started helping out when asked.......

 

those are a few that are a little easier to pinpoint.......marriage counseling is out of the question.....he would never....he thinks counseling is a joke and a huge waste of everyone's time....besides he would miss his video game time.

 

 

 

These are things that are fixable. I see issues here, but nothing that is not a major thing. Not trying to lessen the fact that you feel the way you do or to justify what hes doing/not doing. However, if he will not go to counseling, then maybe you should go for yourself. Talk with a counselor and tell them all thats going on in your marriage as well as with this other man. They hopefully will be able to shed some light a little better over you situation. The biggest thing is, they will help YOU learn to let go of some resentment.

 

I have delt with resentment before as well, and its not a pretty thing. It will hinder you from moving forward in your relationship, you will always feel that you're stuck in mud spinning your wheels. We have to pick and choose our battles. Some battles are more important than others. Most of the time the bigger the issue the harder the battle to fight, but it can be done. I understand you're probably weary and tired of certain things, and things can get old. Sometimes if we make a major change in the way we are, the way we think, the way we handle things etc, sometimes will make our spouse take a step back and take another look at the situation. May make them want to do more, contribute more, etc, and yes it takes two. I'm not saying it has to be all you, that changes,your husband needs to do his part as well. However, maybe a counselor will be helpful to you, and provide info that you can share with your husband.

 

 

 

Jade

[cherriesred]

Thank you Jade.....

 

It's nice to have a way to get this off my chest. To "talk" to someone and have some feedback.

 

I wish i was stronger at fighting the temptation that sits in front of me all day literally. It is impossible to stop ALL contact with him, because we work together. But i could try by stopping the emailing and the flirting. The only problem with that is I have done that been there already several times since this started. And i may feel strong against it today.....but will i tomorrow? I have tried telling myself what's the point.....he says he isn't interested in me that way anyway....so why am i continue to chase my tail...one i shouldn't be chasing anyway.

 

I have attempted the emailing my husband instead, but feel like i'm going through the motions because that is who i am SUPPOSE to be flirting with. I know my husband loves me and that he loves my children. Although we have both admitted that we know there is problems in our marriage.....and have both said that if it didn't change our lifestyle or effect the kids that we would separate. I have already done this life altering step in my life once before and it was devasting.....i lost everything including my home, i had to file for bankrupcy that still effects my life today......

 

I guess the first step is counselling.....to help determine which way i'm going instead of creating a bigger mess to get out of.......hope i remember this next time i see him smiling at me......

[JadeStar]

"I hope I remeber this the next time I see him smiling at me."

 

 

This is where your test will begin. Actually it began along time ago when the flirting started. However this is where the test will begin for you as far as you working on your marriage. It will not be easy by a long shot, and I think thats a given. However,every time this other man smiles at you, winks at you, flirts with you etc etc, is a test to see if you will pass or fail. I think you can pass this, and begin a new life for you and your family. So hopefully with a counselors help they can guide you in the right direction. Maybe take one step at a time, and for today, do not email him at all. Maybe tomorrow add something to that. Don't email and don't echanges flirting, and so on. You may even be as bold you say to him, "I would like to work on my marriage, and I willnot be emailing you and I expect you to be respectful of that and do not send me any as well." Might work might not, but then again it might at least be worth a shot.

 

 

 

Jade

[cherriesred]

Well update........ so far i have failed. I have continued to email but we aren't flirting just talking...i know that still doesn't make it right.

 

I haven't "flirted" all week, although like i said we are still communicating through emails. So now he tells me i can call him any time i feel like it....before i always waited for "permission" to call or had set times when i could call him. We had discussed months ago that i thought of calling him all the time but don't because i never knew if he had someone there or not nor did i care i just didn't want to be calling him if he had someone he was seeing over.....and now he has given me free range to do it. I haven't though and really have nothing to say. Since joining here.....i have also cut most of our emails short...because unless i'm flirting there isn't really much i want to talk about with him....and i say so...he has looked confused lately.....but who cares...i've been confused for months.

 

I would love to tell him to stop emailing, and have done that in the past like i have mentioned. It works for awhile and then we some how end up in the very same place. I have also told him that the reason i wanted to stop emailing is because it wrong and i should be putting my energy and thoughts somewhere else. I have never said "work on my marriage" because i never wanted to indicate that there was anything wrong to him. Wouldn't that be opening the door wider for him?? But i guess that just stupid on my part since he must realize that there is something wrong or i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing.

 

I guess the biggest test will be the Christmas party.....he confirmed yesterday in an email that he is coming because i want him to be there....in his stupid round about way. I hate the games....we are adults why he couldn't of just said it is beyond me....

 

I tried asking my husband to come with me......but he won't he has plans for a boys night already and doesn't want to cancel on them since it was at our place. I have to go because i'm the social director, i'm expected to attend by my boss.

[JadeStar]

"I have never said "work on my marraige" because I never wanted to indicate that there was anything wrong to him."

 

 

Hun you don't have to tell him about whats wrong in your marriage. He already knows theres trouble in your marraige, because number one thats why hes flirting and number 2 it re-enforces that fact when you flirt back/email etc. He may not know the details as far as whats going on in your marraige, but he knows something is not right or you wouldn't be returning his flirting/emails anyway. Chances are he will not be the one to back off, why should he? Hes got you where he wants you. He doesn't care you are married nor does he probably care if you even wanted to work on things in your marraige. Hes having fun at your expense with the emails/flirting. You will have to be the stronger of the two and cut all ties. If he emails, don't open them delte them. Set it up to where it blocks his emails etc. If he flrits don't return the advances etc. I have yet to hear you say you want to work on fixing your marraige. Do you?

 

 

 

 

Jade

[lilmoma1973]

 

You are obviously getting something out of it or you wouldn't continue seeing could be something you are lacking from your marriage that he is giving you and making you have an emotional thing and that can be bad... You need to stop what is going on and work on your marriage with your h .. You said when he walks you to the door you said you might one day get to close and you kiss him !! That is a red flag that you should stop all this meeting him at his house before you end up in his bed!!! Work on your marriage before you do something you regret with this guy at your work !!

[cherriesred]

"Hes having fun at your expense with the emails/flirting. "

 

 

Thank you!!! This line keeps coming into my mind everytime i start to think about him. Which usually leads to trying to figure out where he is coming from or what his "goal" is in all of this....that one lines sums it up for me....He is having fun at my expense.....he does not have anything to loss (although he did mention concern for his job since we are co-workers) ......from my point of view he has not invested anything into "this" physically, mentally or emontionally since he continually tells me he isn't interested in me in that way....

 

He is having fun at my expense!! It is all game to him......I am a game to him.

 

"I have yet to hear you say you want to work on fixing your marriage. Do you? "

 

I don't know.....i really truely don't know....what i do know for sure is that i have no plans of losing my home again...or going back to where i have fought to bring myself back from. I swore i would do anything, which includes staying in a marriage i don't want....but that is no excuse to drag another person into my mess.....where people will end up getting hurt......

[cherriesred]

"I guess the biggest test will be the Christmas party.....he confirmed yesterday in an email that he is coming because i want him to be there...."

 

Well apparently i failed this test too.....and we crossed the line. The emontional affair became physical.

 

The party was a week ago, I arrived early because i am the social director as i mentioned and i had to help with finishing touches. I had planned to keep the drinking to a minimum because i know myself and when i drink i loss my boundries. Well three martini's into the evening he showed up, things were cool, calm and collected, we chatted in a circle of our co-workers.. everything was casual. Somewhere between that and when another co-worker started offering to make my drinks, we agreed we would leave the party together (sharing a cab because we live in close proximity to each other) We all went downstairs to play the casino games, him and I were playing black jack, and i was rubbing his back while we were standing together at the table. I don't clearly remember if he even attempted to stop me. The party continued, most of the guests started to leave between 12:00 and 1:00, and each time i made attempt to leave, my female co-workers kept talking me into staying....the party was just getting started. We danced and danced until there was only a female co-worker and her man, our boss and two of his female friends, myself and "him" left. I went to take my boots off because the heels were killing my feet by this point, i guess i was gone awhile sitting on the stairs that lead upstairs, so he came to check on me, he expressed concern for me because i had drank far too much. I told him i was fine. He asked if i was upset because he was dancing with one of the boss's female friends, i said no why would i be, it was there he acknowledge he came to the party because i had wanted him there, he had finally said it as he dragged me back to dance. Later i went to call home because it was 3:30 in morning and i wanted my husband to know that i was fine and well and still having fun. The phone was in the garage, he came out for a smoke, and i guess being alone with him....i couldn't help it ..i was all over him.....he did stop me before i could even get started and just as i turned around to go back into the house i saw our boss coming up the stairs...i decided i had better behave that was just to close. Although i believe i made another attempt in the kitchen, why was he following from room to room? We danced until 5:30 in the morning when i decided that was enough i was going home. I called the cab, he agreed he was coming with me. As soon as the cab pulled away from the house, i slid over beside him, and rested my head on his shoulder and unbuttoned a couple of shirt button so i could twist my fingers in his chest hair like i had dreamed about doing for so long. He didn't object, i even said to him that is all i wanted to do. Something was said, and i attempted to kiss him. He stopped me. So i moved back over to my side, leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Next thing i knew he was all over me....teasing me like i have never been teased before. His hands were all over me, without touching me, he was whispering naughty naughty things in my ear, putting his hands in my hair, running his mouth over my neck and face so close i could feel his breathe on me, he ran his tongue nearly over my lips, so close i could almost taste him......it was so bad i begged for a kiss. We kissed, it was so hot ....but it was quick because i pulled away to give that poor cab driver directions. Then i was home.

 

He called to apologize the next day to say he shouldn't have done what he did. I apologized to him for pushing us over the line.

 

Today we aren't talking because i told him not to email me....because now that i have been over the line....i want it more then i wanted it before..... but i guess that answered all the questions i had regarding him. Now i know i have to stop it before we end up in his bed (although he still says that will never happen....sure sure....)

[mental_traveller]

Looking on the bright side, at least you didn't have sex. However, at this point I think you basically have to make a choice between your job and your marriage. If you don't make a choice, then you will most likely lose both. And remember, after this guy starts banging you, he'll still drop you like a hot potato should any subsequent fallout endanger his career or cause him drama. He will go for no strings hot sex, but not for work problems and an irate husband as well.

 

Take a read of some of the threads on here, you'll see how predictable the whole development is.

[cherriesred]

Looking on the bright side, at least you didn't have sex. However, at this point I think you basically have to make a choice between your job and your marriage. If you don't make a choice, then you will most likely lose both. And remember, after this guy starts banging you, he'll still drop you like a hot potato should any subsequent fallout endanger his career or cause him drama. He will go for no strings hot sex, but not for work problems and an irate husband as well.

 

Take a read of some of the threads on here, you'll see how predictable the whole development is.

 

Thank you so much for your reponse!!

 

Well i'm not worried about lossing my job.....my boss wouldn't fire me for this (in fact i'm pretty sure he knows but is minding his own business ...as he should) ....according to him I run his company and he couldn't live without me, so much so he gave me the downpayment for my house. So that is not a concern to me...our jobs are secure.....and i have tried explaining that to "him" ....at best we could get in trouble for emailing on company time, which i could understand and respect. Outside of work what we do together including "banging" is certainly none of our bosses business...which i would be sure to tell him if the issue came up.

 

Now i do believe that an irate husband is something we are both concerned about, and yes i realize that everytime i call him, or go see him, i raise the stakes at getting caught....but on the other hand maybe my secure feeling that i won't get caught is part of the problem in my marriage....and trust me Jadestar has given me lots to reflect upon......my husband would have to take the time away from his x-box to even realize or show concern about where i have gone before he finds out where i am REALLY going. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week, and sneak in visits before going......or i go on friday nights when hubby is with the boys....either way i'm never questioned about where i am going or how long i'm gone.

 

As for "him" wanting no strings sex, that would be progress as far as i'm concerned because that is all i'm interested in. As for dropping me as soon as the drama starts....of that i have no doubt....hence - no strings. It's not a no strings affair if i expected him to stick around when the drama started or for the fact of the matter he found someone significant he wanted to date......no strings to me means all the benefits of a sexual relationship without all the baggage that comes from a REAL relationship. My honest assessemnt is "he" is scared that once i have gotten what i have been chasing for so long.....that he will no longer be of interest to me....and once we start "banging" i would drop him like a hot potato to go back to my "martial bliss" - my conclusion is based on some comments he has made in the past about me only wanting him as my "boy toy" and other others along the same line

 

**sidenote** - Jadestar....in the last few days i have had another issue that seems to be building the wall between my husband and I has reared it's ulgy head again......he wants a baby...i don't. I thought we had put this issue to bed months and months ago....but apparently not.....he doesn't want to close that door....it wasn't even a conversation i felt like having AGAIN....so i walked out of the room with.....i'm turning 37 this year the door is CLOSED!

[cherriesred]

Well at first i had no intention of going to his place last night, but i had to drive by his home to pick up a parcel at the post office, and he had a movie i borrowed him. I had only meant to pop in for a second pick up the movie and leave, i had left my purse in the car as indication that i had no plans to stay, i was headed to the gym.

 

Some how we got it a big of conversation about what we were doing, and my biggest issue with this whole thing is that he has rarely taken responsibility for his part in "this"...what ever helps him sleep at night I told him i was tired of the games, the pushing me away and then pulling me back in. Which of course he denied doing when i pointed out that i was over it last time we ended it, and that i fought hard for the first few days not to come back to this when he was trying so persistently to draw me back into our little game.... his response was he didn't want to talk about all this......and i told him i can understand his point of view and that this was alot of "hassle" for nothing. He told me that he knew from the very beginning that NOTHING was every going to happen between us....I'm married - one, and We're co-workers - two .....i told him that was a bunch of bull**** he used as an excuse whenever i pushed for more from him (as in physically) ....and if that is the way he felt ....it was all fine with me but it all had to stop....all of it....no more looks, no more flirting, no more emails or visits or phone calls....it all stops!! He sounded like he was trying to convince me that he didn't want it all to stop except for me pushing for more.....and i told him NO ....i was done....it stops.....that there were no hard feelings because this should of never happened in the first place....

 

 

Do i believe that this is the end of it.....i doubt it. But i have some "soundbites" from our conversation that i plan to remind me of when he tries drawing me back in.....i do my best. Now i should find a way to re-arrange my office furniture so that i don't have to see him all day.

[cherriesred]

OH YEA!!!

 

Funny thing though, this morning when i went to put the movie back in our movie holder, i had a gut feeling i should check it - i didn't know what i was looking for exactly but because my husband is the one to set the movies up when we watch them....i just had a "feeling" ....and instead of the movie disc being in the case it was a game cube game?? How do you confuse the two?? Either way he still has my movie and now i have to get it back.....

[Grinning Maniac]

Look, babydoll...if anyone's playing games, it seems to be you. All through this thread, the impression I've gotten is that the guy generally isn't comfortable with this (i.e. he'd say no if you asked him after he'd had a wank) but you keep encouraging the chase. Cut it out already. Leave him alone. He keeps apologizing to you because he knows it's screwed up. He's not cool with being "that guy" and all you really care about is getting some sex. So why not just back off before you make the guy feel like crap?

 

You yell at him to stop if he wants, but really you're not wanting him to. Quite the contrary. It really looks like you're just manipulating and trying to push the guy into this. The guy has a bit of a crush and you're taking advantage, despite his repeated insistance of being uncomfortable with being in an affair. What's the game here?

 

Blahblahblah...life is so complicated. Give me a break. Just talk to your husband about what's going wrong or leave. It's complicated because you want it to be. Furthermore, why did you even marry someone who you have nothing in common with? I don't even have relationships in such cases. What's the point?

 

I mean really...what did you think was going to happen there? Love conquers all?

[cherriesred]

Hey there Grinning......

 

Just how i like my honesty....served STRAIGHT UP!!

 

I'll deal with first things first.......when we married we did have things in common, and there was a whole list of things we enjoyed doing together but then x-box was introduced into our lives....my husband's mistress...she always wins out over me. There is always one more game, one more level, one more bad guy to beat. He use to enjoy going out and socializing with me, but now all he wants to do is stay home. And i do that with him too, and we watch movies....i have tried to get him to even go out to a movie... "i would rather stay home it's more comfortable" yea yea.... So what do you do when someone changes??

 

 

As for the games....you are right i do play games....but if he was so uncomfortable with being in an affair (since you don't sugar coat your opinion...which i respect) why does HE keep trying to draw me back into our game. Back at the end of Oct and all of Nov, we were on what i like to label a time out. I grew to accept that nothing was going to happen between us and that was the right thing.....i accepted that we done playing our games. We were friendly with each other at work so there were no obvious hard feelings between us. I was completely fine with having it done. He came back to me.....he drew me back into this....I know that for sure because i fought his flirting, i fought his extended eye contact that he knows weakens me.....i fought it all for several days....because i didn't want to go back to this because it took me a few weeks to get to where i was fine with it being over.....but he wouldn't give up and every day he tried harder until i literally sent him an email that started with "ok i give...i give....you win"

 

Why if he is so uncomfortable with being "that guy" did he agree to share a cab home with me from our christmas party? he could of taken his own cab, they were company paid...so it's not like it was to save either of money....he knew what was going to happen.....i told him that when i drink that the boundries that stopped me when we were alone wouldn't be there. He agreed very early in the evening that we were going to leave together....

 

Why if he is so uncomfortable with me pushing this to be physical .....did he come to me when i moved away from him in the cab.....i tried to kiss him, he turned me down, so it was then i that realized that there really was a limit that was never going to be crossed EVER...so i was going to close my eyes for the rest of the ride home.....HE came to me......HE was all over me....HE was whispering all the naughty stuff HE would do .....HE was the one running his mouth over me.....I just sat there confused....and enjoying it. He let me kiss him when i asked again....... I didn't make it physical, i had tried and then backed down .......HE made it physical.

 

He doesn't encourage the chase? He doesn't encourage me to keep doing this when i agree this should stop?

 

Thursday is when i was at his house picking up my movie which ended up being a game cube game....and the same time i told him this all had to stop.....Friday by 7:30 he was calling me to come over for my movie....i went...i kept it cool and friendly....he could of brought my movie with him today to work......why the invite to come pick up??