Is she only a friend/snooping/trust

[pytchitown]

Okay here is goes. I have been seeing a guy since August 2003. We dated until May 2004 which is when we made it official. We were on cloud nine for a while up until Feb of 2005. When he would leave my house at night he would call me when he got home consistently. Then all of a sudden it just stopped. I became curious as to what was going on. When I asked he would just say oh I forgot. This happened about two weeks and then i got really curious. On my way into work I would drive pass his house to see if I saw his car parked. Guess what it wasnt. So I did this a few times and the same result. I even went as far as to drive back pass during my lunch. So one day(a morning after i drove pass and he wasnt home) I had a problem with cell phone bill and the company and i were going through and verifying phone calls. I obviously had trust issues so I then started to look through his bill and noticed numbers. I know 2nd big mistake. Well i went as far as trying to figure out who numbers they were and the addresses. I then went pass those addresses to see if i saw his car. When I spoke with him that afternoon I was furious and i confronted him with cheating. I had no basis no validity. We broke up. He had a very valid reason for not telling me where he was at night and that was becuase he had fear that i would leave him if he told me. That came out after i accused him of cheating. But me saying are you cheating was my last reosrt. I had asked him on multiple occasions and even on that day what was going on because some things had changed and he always told me nothing. So my last suspicion was wrong. He wasnt cheating. We continued to see each other as if nothing had changed but we were just friends no title. We had constant arguements and my trust for him got worse. I continued to check cell bills ( he does not know). He is friends with a former coworker at work and when they stopped working together they shared a few phone calls monthly. Since August right after I accused him of possibly liking her the phone calls have went to almost daily. My mind is going crazy, I have a need to know what he is doing constantly, always wanting to talk to him and I get upset if he say he will call me back for fear that he is talking to her. I have know idea if there is anything really going on between the two. He promised me that while we were not together and working on getting back together that he would not date or see anyone. Either way I have almost found a way to hide all of my distrust issues and we recently got back together he felt we were ready. Is she just a friend that he can talk to. I cant ask him anymore. The minute he saw that i had some jealousy he has since stopped any convo that would include her name. He even says he dont talk to her anymore a lie. Maybe he says this not to hurt me. Why cant i stop snooping. I have seemed to make all of this happen. I want to trust him again. I am the one causing all of the problems in the relationship now and I think I'm driving him away. In one second i think to myself, if he didnt want to be with me he would not have gotten back in the relationship after trying to make things right after all this time. When he is around I am so happy but then my mind just starts to wander and I look at the cell bills again to see when they talk or sent text messages. I vowed on the day we got back together that i would no longer look at the bill. I still did and now I'm hurt again, we are back together and he is still talking to her. I cant say anything to him becuase if he found out that i looked at the bills again he will leave me. What do I do? How do I get past this.

[ZGT1503]

Hi, this is a difficult one! Obviously you are in a situation where you can't reveal what you did (snooping) because then he would have every right to say you were wrong to do this and you won't get anything out of him that you need to hear.

I've also done similar things in the past, and have friends who have also done so. You know it's wrong, but you also have a burning desire to find out if something's going on.

Of course, no one can say if this is just a friend of his or if something else is going on, because only he knows that. So I can't really offer any advice as such.

There's no point beating yourself up about the fact that you snooped - that's done now, and you are already paying the price because you can't ask him without explaining how you know.

It's a horrible situation, and I really feel for you because I'm similar with jealousy. I'm in a relationship now where I'm trying not to snoop and I'm trying to be very upfront and open and accepting of female friends/colleagues and so on, because (as you say) if you show you're jealous of a girl, she will never be mentioned again... and then you are more suspicious!

I can only suggest you try to be so strong and stop looking at the bills. If you really feel there is something suspicious going on, then bring her up in conversation maybe, but DON'T say about the bills... in my opinion and from experience!