Love vs. Infatuation

[NoFaith05]

I have been with at least 2 girls now who have confused infatuation with love. How can one tell the difference, because I seem to be really bad at it! I have had crushes on girls, but I know what love really is, and I have felt love several times before. I've never been infatuated with somebody I was dating.

 

So how do we spot the warning signs? How do we know if the person we are in love with is really and truly in love with us, and not just infatuated? I always find this out around the 4 month mark, but I would like to be able to spot this earlier, so that I can get out without being hurt!

 

Note: I think I knew that my last ex was sort of infatuated with me, but I guess I chose to ignore the warning signs (I had seen them before in past relationships). I suppose my heart just wants to believe that "maybe this time it's actually real".

[Outcast]

I always find this out around the 4 month mark

 

There's your clue. You can't fall in love that fast because you can't really know someone that fast. If it lasts a year or two, you can start believing it's love.

[chocolate_boy]

Not according to the scientists... new study reveals the "in love" chemicals only last a year!

 

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,17421131%255E29677,00.html

[chocolate_boy]

There's your clue. You can't fall in love that fast because you can't really know someone that fast. If it lasts a year or two, you can start believing it's love.

 

Yeah my ex told me she loved me after about 6 weeks of dating, far too early. But she has never stayed with anyone longer than about 9 months (she gets bored after 6 no matter who it's with).

[Hot Coco]

My husband and I were engaged after 4 weeks of dating. We've been together 11 years now. (Married 10) I believe you CAN know someone and fall in love that fast.

 

No Faith. Take it slow to start if you're just not sure if it's love or infatuation. DON'T sleep together too early. That clouds your judgement many times. REALLY listen to what she says about herself and other people. Try to approach it almost like a job interview. You'll get better at knowing the difference with more experience.

[Outcast]

I believe you CAN know someone and fall in love that fast.

 

It is my belief that people who marry after knowing each other just a short while lucked into finding someone with whom they were compatible, not that they actually knew each other that well. There are plenty of stories of couples just like the OP and his gf who may have thought they were 'in love' early on only to 'fall out of love' before a year has passed. IMHO that's because they weren't in love.

 

Sometimes, yes, people who become infatuated will graduate to true love but that is by no means the rule. There's nothing to be lost by waiting to decide to marry but a great deal to be lost if you marry in haste and then have to go through a divorce.

[JohnJohn]

Note: I think I knew that my last ex was sort of infatuated with me, but I guess I chose to ignore the warning signs (I had seen them before in past relationships). I suppose my heart just wants to believe that "maybe this time it's actually real".

 

I fell for a Narcissist, who is definitely someone that confuses infatuation with love, as are any types of Emotional Abusers. It took me three months to realize it. After going through this, I'd be surprised if it took me longer than three days next time.

 

Warning signs: lack of empathy. lack of interest in you or anything in your life, low self-esteem, hesitation on their behalf to communicate about the relationship, idealizing you excessively, "faking" emotions to manipulate you and unrealistic demands on you to fulfill their needs all the time. But most importantly, trust your gut. If you sense something is just not quite right then you are most likely correct. You'll know if a person truly loves you.

[Hot Coco]

It is my belief that people who marry after knowing each other just a short while lucked into finding someone with whom they were compatible, not that they actually knew each other that well. There are plenty of stories of couples just like the OP and his gf who may have thought they were 'in love' early on only to 'fall out of love' before a year has passed. IMHO that's because they weren't in love.

 

Sometimes, yes, people who become infatuated will graduate to true love but that is by no means the rule. There's nothing to be lost by waiting to decide to marry but a great deal to be lost if you marry in haste and then have to go through a divorce.

 

I agree with most of what you say here. NO doubt it's better to wait. But in our case it really wasn't luck. It was maturity. It was wisdom. We not only knew what we wanted in a mate, we knew what we DIDN'T want and we were not willing to compromise on what we wanted, no matter how much we were in love. You know where the luck part came in? In finding just what we were looking for...not in that it worked out. That wasn't luck.

 

I think too many people go into relationships not really knowing what they want. If they're physically attracted and the person is somewhat pleasant, they think they're in love. They never take into account the WHOLE person. The WHOLE package, flaws and all. You can't really fall in love with someone you don't know well. Yes, you can be infatuated but you really can't be in love.

[Zetter]

I asked my counselor this same kind of question, only mine was more of if my ex isn't in love with me, why does she want to know I'm around still? Her response was that that there are three types of relationship levels with love (think of them in concentric circles). The core is attachment - this can be relatively instantaneous. This is the part that is there from the beginning and lasts well after the demise of a relationship, and keeps the crazy ones calling you from their mistresses place (or the male equivalent's) to make sure you aren't cheating on them. Outside of that circle is the in-love ring - which is more of a feeling of romance. This is the fleeting romantic love piece that lasts several weeks to 6 months to 2 years on average, and can come and go (according to my shrink). This confused me at first becuase of all of the BS "i love you but I'm not in love with you" that flies around these day. According to my counselor, this cannot be true. One can be attached to another, which is apparently what is meant by those who say the BS expresssion, but you have to be in love with someone to love them, according to this expert. Her contention, then, is that true love (the outermost ring) is not acheivable until you have passed through the romantic love stage ,and this could take a while (one year, i believe is the minimum timeframe). This is the mature type of love where it doesn't matter if you are romantic or not, you care deeply about person X. Anything other than that and the person doesn't love you. All that said, the only thing i really believe is the attachment piece. Otherwise the exes would leave us alone.

[Outcast]

It was maturity. It was wisdom. We not only knew what we wanted in a mate, we knew what we DIDN'T want and we were not willing to compromise on what we wanted, no matter how much we were in love.

 

That's all well and fine but there are plenty of people who get into a relationship knowing what they want and don't want bla bla HOWEVER one or both are NOT self-aware and/or are in the process of self-deception or, worse, deceiving the other and trust me on this, you CANNOT figure this out in a short time. It takes several months for the really good cons to crack and their lies or whatever to start showing. People like you tend to think that anyone who has been sucked into a relationship with someone like that is just stupid but it's not the case. Truly skilled people are adept at concealing their true selves for quite a while.

 

You know where the luck part came in? In finding just what we were looking for...

 

That's exactly my point. The person you thought he was is the person he actually is. You found one who is self-aware, and who, I gather, is also not fearful about being honest about who he is. Surely you can't believe that all men are that way. Or all women either.

 

And then add to that the cycle of love or whatever Zetter's shrink called it - that there is an 'infatuation' stage that people commonly mistake for love is fact, not fantasy. Again, you were lucky in that when the infatuation phase wore off, the person you landed was the person you thought you had so the loss of the brain fog that infatuation causes didn't reveal a jerk.

[Hot Coco]

That's all well and fine but there are plenty of people who get into a relationship knowing what they want and don't want bla bla HOWEVER one or both are NOT self-aware and/or are in the process of self-deception or, worse, deceiving the other and trust me on this, you CANNOT figure this out in a short time. It takes several months for the really good cons to crack and their lies or whatever to start showing. People like you tend to think that anyone who has been sucked into a relationship with someone like that is just stupid but it's not the case. Truly skilled people are adept at concealing their true selves for quite a while.

 

 

 

That's exactly my point. The person you thought he was is the person he actually is. You found one who is self-aware, and who, I gather, is also not fearful about being honest about who he is. Surely you can't believe that all men are that way. Or all women either.

 

Why are you acting as if we disagree! ARGH! We really don't on this. Don't say "people like you believe...yada yada" You have no clue what I believe. You say "trust me on this you CANNOT figure this out in a short time." How can you make a blanket statement like that? Sometimes you CAN. And you act like you have more experience than I do or than others do. You have no idea what the breadth of my experience is. And I do not think people are STUPID because they can be fooled. I do believe though that they sometimes don't have the experience or the wisdom yet to not be fooled.

 

You say truly skilled people are adept at concealing their true selves...true but I don't think most people are "truly skilled" in that way. So for most people it shouldn't take a lot of time to uncover any BS about a person.

 

Of course I don't believe most people are self-aware or honest about who they are. But with some skillful probing and keen observation one CAN uncover any inconsistencies in a person in a relatively short period of time.

 

Most people of course want to only show their good sides at first. There's a bit of acting involved usually. You don't see the bad. You don't see the baggage. We used to sit around and talk a lot when we met. This may sound strange but we used to talk about our WORST sides. We'd talk about our baggage. We'd ask each other how we'd handle this or that. It was kind of like we were doing premarital counseling on each other. We didn't set out to do that deliberately. I guess it came about because we REALLY wanted this to work. It was to be (is) a second marriage for both of us. And we didn't want to fail again.

 

Maybe that approach will help someone out...I don't know. But it worked for us.

[scobro]

You'll know if a person truly loves you.

 

How will you know if its love or infatuation?

__________________

[Outcast]

You'll know if a person truly loves you.

 

How will you know if its love or infatuation?

 

You won't. You find out when that person is there for you through thick and thin, when that person is considerate of you, when that person treats you well over time. It's a huge mistake to think you 'know'. You don't. You just think you do.

[Yamaha]

Infatuation is a state in which a person's normal ability to think clearly and act rationally are forgotten and replaced with eagerness. Your desire focuses on someone and suddenly nothing matters but that compelling attraction.

 

Infatuation cannot exceed its own expectations. It is the spark and the emotional kindling, not a steady, warming fire. It is an appetizer that makes you anticipate the full meal. But it will not keep you warm and it will not fill you up.

 

Infatuation begins as an important emotional signal to point you in the direction of desire and get you moving. But it is not yet love and its impetus will never take the place of thinking about what you want and acting persistently on that intention.

[Hot Coco]

You won't. You find out when that person is there for you through thick and thin, when that person is considerate of you, when that person treats you well over time. It's a huge mistake to think you 'know'. You don't. You just think you do.

 

Yes, but by not being blind and being very observant and asking the right questions, etc. you can greatly improve your chances of finding the person who will really love you. Of course there are never any guarantees when it comes to love but you really CAN, in a short period of time, figure out if it's infatuation or whether it has the potential to become true and lasting love.

[scobro]

Infatuation is a state in which a person's normal ability to think clearly and act rationally are forgotten and replaced with eagerness. Your desire focuses on someone and suddenly nothing matters but that compelling attraction.

 

Infatuation cannot exceed its own expectations. It is the spark and the emotional kindling, not a steady, warming fire. It is an appetizer that makes you anticipate the full meal. But it will not keep you warm and it will not fill you up.

 

Infatuation begins as an important emotional signal to point you in the direction of desire and get you moving. But it is not yet love and its impetus will never take the place of thinking about what you want and acting persistently on that intention.

 

but do you go from infatuation to loving someone or can you not love someone you are infatuated with........whoa thats deep i feel stoned;)

[Fun2BMe]

Not according to the scientists... new study reveals the "in love" chemicals only last a year!

 

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,17421131%255E29677,00.html

It says people are still in love after a year, but it's more stable and less of the NGF "love" chemicals that give you butterflies found in the blood. Doesn't say people are no longer in love after one year.

[Yamaha]

but do you go from infatuation to loving someone or can you not love someone you are infatuated with........whoa thats deep i feel stoned;)

 

You can go from infatuation to love but it in itself is not love. You can be infatuated with someone and not love them. It needs to be present for romantic love but love without infatuation is platonic love.

[Fun2BMe]

but do you go from infatuation to loving someone or can you not love someone you are infatuated with........whoa thats deep i feel stoned;)

Infatuation has nothing to do with love, it is an obsession that is closer to a mental disorder and can keep someone from falling in love with the person they are infatuated with.

[Fun2BMe]

For example many people are infatuated with celebrities, it does not mean they love them the longer and more they are infatuated with them. It is the idea of the person they are obsessed with and in a relationship this can block them from really getting to know the person, they will see the person as perfect in their mind. That is why even if they are abused by them, their infatuation keeps them coming back to them. I wouldn't confuse it with love.

[Outcast]

but you really CAN, in a short period of time, figure out if it's infatuation or whether it has the potential to become true and lasting love.

 

Once again you insist that you are right because it happened to you. However the accumulated wisdom of researchers in the field says that it is EXTREMELY unwise to make such assumptions.

 

For the umpteenth time, why the rush? Why leap into something? What does it hurt to give it enough time to make sure that you didn't make a mistake? Why urge people to make decisions which might be unwise rather than taking enough time to be sure? What's in it for you to do that? What's to be gained by insisting that anybody should just take a leap because they think they know?

 

I think it's irresponsible, personally.

 

You can go from infatuation to love but it in itself is not love. You can be infatuated with someone and not love them. It needs to be present for romantic love but love without infatuation is platonic love

 

Exactly.

[Hot Coco]

Once again you insist that you are right because it happened to you. However the accumulated wisdom of researchers in the field says that it is EXTREMELY unwise to make such assumptions.

 

For the umpteenth time, why the rush? Why leap into something? What does it hurt to give it enough time to make sure that you didn't make a mistake? Why urge people to make decisions which might be unwise rather than taking enough time to be sure? What's in it for you to do that? What's to be gained by insisting that anybody should just take a leap because they think they know?

 

I think it's irresponsible, personally.

 

 

 

Exactly.

 

I'm not saying anyone should rush into anything. I'm not insisting I'm right anymore than you are. You're missing my point I think. I've never said anyone should rush into anything. I'm just saying they can better their chances at the onset (or is it outset...can't think today!) anyway, I'm just saying they can improve their chances by not letting feelings take over too much. By using their heads. By doing some of the things I've mentioned. That's all I'm saying. I'm trying to save people from needless heartache. That's all.

 

I didn't say anyone should rush into anything. And I NEVER said people should rush into any decisions. You're letting your obvious dislike for me color and twist my meanings. Shame on you.

 

I told my story but I'm not saying everyone should do it MY way. I thought I was actually helping. Obviously you don't see it that way. But if ONE person sees what I'm saying and can put that information to good use then I'd be really happy about that.

 

I'm sorry you think that my advice was irresponsible. Once again, we don't agree. What else is new? Sigh...

[Fun2BMe]

... love without infatuation is platonic love.

The dictionary says infatuation is:

 

"1. A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.

2. An object of extravagant, short-lived passion"

 

"n 1: foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration 2: temporary love of an adolescent [syn: puppy love, calf love, crush] 3: an object of extravagant short-lived passion"

 

I think love without infatuation is deep, more serious long-term love.

[Outcast]

http://www.relationshipsandlove.com/romantic_and_companionate_love.htm

 

Excellent article on the types of love.

[Yamaha]

http://www.relationshipsandlove.com/romantic_and_companionate_love.htm

 

Excellent article on the types of love.

 

If people followed this advice Outcast there would never be one night stands. ( not that I disagree with the article ). I just think that most people concentrate on the passion of a relationship and focus on the butterflies instead of the liking. It is way into the relationship that they discover they really don't like the person.