caring guy Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Hi all I was with my fiance for 18 months & the last 3 months i moves in full time & fully commited to her & her kids, bills, responsibilities, house work etc! It's the first time i ever have done this, as all my relationships have been me living at home & doing 3 night on 4 off etc!, i moved to foreign country once with a girl but it was more of an adventure, this time it was the real world & all that goes with it. She's lived with kids for 9 tears & on her own & i've had what you may call & footloose & fancy free time of it, but i felt i needed to settle down so this was the best oppertunity & with the girl that i love & want to be with! Thing is i suffer serious bouts of anxiety & depression which come on out of the blue & unexpectadly. She knew about this & i take meds for & it's held me back in life a little.My fiance wasn't sympathetic to my cause during a serious bout lately, the first serious bout since we met & sometimes not understanding towards the disabling overwhelming nature of the illness & at certain time this caused conflict which made me worse. I found it hard to function & needed to escape which i now regret. She constantly went on about her being unable to drop things & stop life if she was ill, but i did & should have faced my issues with her, even though the severity of me it was unbearable, but she was just so horrible to me, digging at me, telling me i was pathetic the way i was handling it & that she couldn't have someone with this in her life!, is this unreasonable?, afterall we're engaged. My doc told me that it was a change of circumstances in life that triggered it off, there was stresses on both of us &as she was at Uni & i was in a different situation, kids etc! We do love each other & have things we love doing that we will miss, i've moved out & can't stop thinking of her & how if i hadn't run, we'd still be together, but on the other hand, had i bitten off more than i could chew at the time & should have gently eased my way into moving in! Initially i texted & mailed her lots & maybe annoyed her & now i'm thinking that if i use the reverse psychology situation of letting her miss me, she'l instigate contact first. This all happened over her birthday, i wasn't there for that, as i was a nervous wreck at home, i'd planned a suprise trip for the weekend but i was unwell, but she wanted the tickets for her & a friend to go!!, is that bad, i think so! She just wanted her present & not bothered about me. I want her back as i know it can work once i learn to manage my condition properly, but how should i do it! I know i need to change my ways to handle this, not be selfish to my needs & consider her, but anxiety makes you kinda selfish as it's so debilitating. She understands it, but don't need it in her hectic life. What can i do! sO UPSET:lmao: Rup Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 but she was just so horrible to me, digging at me, telling me i was pathetic the way i was handling it & that she couldn't have someone with this in her life!, is this unreasonable?, afterall we're engaged. The idea behind marriage is that you agree to stick together 'for better or worse'. While that does not give one partner license to abuse the other, what it does mean is that you agree to stick it out and learn to deal with illnesses and other troubles that are visited upon you by life. Now this lady showed an incredible lack of compassion, understanding, or care when you were down. What if you get hit by a bus? Get cancer? Or something else happens to you ? What you do NOT need in your life is a woman with no compassion or caring for the man she claims to love when he's unwell. Thank your lucky stars she's gone, forget about her, and find a partner worthy of you who understands the demands of a relationship and is capable of sticking it out 'for better or for worse'. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 You should fall down on your knees and thank God that she is out of your life. It is inconceivable to me, distasteful and disgusting that she would not be there for you in your time of need. Either you were a couple, engaged to be married, or you weren't. Clearly in her mind at least she was just with you for the good times (no commitment necessary.) Some people are like her, happy when you are and then kick you when you are down. Do yourself a favor and have no further contact with her no matter how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through the pain but you really are better off without her, regardless of the good times you recall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 Thanks Craig & Outcast I do think i was pathetic by up & running, leaving my commitments, afterall it's true about her not being able to do the same thing as social services would take away her kids, of which i was supposed to be commited to. She compared me to someone who lost a limb, i'd sit & cry,dwell & feel sorry for myself instead of have ramps put in & be positive etc, this isn't true. I would be positive this way, anxiety is so overwhelming mentaly. I used to compare myself to getting cancer or heart attaxk etc, but she said that was something, even then i should handle positively & true! Our engagement was long term, a commitment! We planned oneday to be married, but not yet as she's just started Uni & i will be there in a year or so. I always felt there for her, just i didn't show it well & she maybe felt if i couldn't always be there for her, she couldn't for me. I just did it in a different way. I always stuck up for her! I know i shouldn't have let my interfering family get involved as they did, having there say, just as i came back to them, they did! I just feel my anx/dep will always get in the way of relationships, afterall who wants to be with someone with this?, it isn't all the time, just in bouts, i wonder if i should let a prospective partner know initially. Link to post Share on other sites
patwheel Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Let her go man. If the girl is not sticking with you because you are sick, she wont stick to you when other bad things happen! Imagine if you got married, and something else would have happened. Would she bail? Yeah, most probably. Anxiety/depression is not a cause for leaving someone. More importantly, you are doing something about it, take your meds, talk to a counselor. It is not the plague, and you can learn how to manage it. And about other girls, dont worry about your condition, just start by not saying that youre ill, you know Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks I know this illness makes you a little selfish & think about you yourself when going through a bout! When your panicking like mad & feeling real depressed, it's hard emotionally to be there for someone else. But she felt i had to & couldn't handle certain things & fled. I maybe defending her, i dunno why, maybe 18 months of me loving her makes you blind, but when she's at Uni (studying, books to read etc) & has 2 kids & has house work to do, clothes to wash, it creates stress & this we both were, as i too was also in a different environment i wasn't used to & it all built up! If i couldn't pull my weight & was ill, did she do the right thing? Did she need it? I just can't help but feel that she had a point!, as she didn't want her studies to be affected. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I just can't help but feel that she had a point!, as she didn't want her studies to be affected. Then she should probably have stayed out of relationships entirely since her plate was full. Whatever her issues, it was never your fault that she left. It's about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author caring guy Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 I get you, my family say she shouldn't be even going to Uni if she has young kids, but i guess she's doing it for a good life for their future. We'd been going out 15 months when she started Uni & i was commiting to her & moved in, i know she wasn't using me, as i didn't have to pick kids up from school or anything as they were in after school club, we just shared choirs! I know that Uni was becoming too much for her & she was getting a bit behind & since she started we were more stressed. We gave each other more space & talked & maybe the build up of stresses & conflict spilled my anxiety over the top. She thinks i would run a mile if she got ill & couldn't cope, she's so wrong about that. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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