Writing to an Ex

[JS17]

Ever written to an ex to clear the air long after it's over? What did you say in the letter (generalized, not specific of course)? On the flip side, ever receive a letter like this?

 

Never had to do it before since I always stayed on good terms with the ex's but I feel like it might be the right time. I'm not sure if it will help or hinder. I've posted about this in the past but I don't think the time was right then.

[johan]

I wrote two weeks after we broke up. I wanted her to have it in writing exactly why I broke up with her, because I knew her mind would turn it into something else. And memories change over time. And I wanted her to have a rational, unemotional version. So I briefly stated what the problem was and then I said I hoped things were going well, I missed her, I thought of her all the time, and her daughter, too. I kept it short.

 

She never responded.

 

I wrote again two weeks ago. I told her I understood that she was upset but hoped she was feeling better about me and had occasional nice thoughts. Gave her a brief update on my life. Told her I think about her all the time, I still love her, miss her, hope she and her daughter are doing well. I kept it short and totally honest.

 

She responded with a very sweet message that has had me thinking ever since. I posted about that in an old post of mine a few days ago.

 

I think it's ok to show some emotion if you have it. But keep it short and condensed. Just be straight with him. It doesn't really matter what you write, really. If he loves you, he'll keep loving you. If he doesn't you can't change that. So just say what you want to say, and don't go overboard.

[Art_Critic]

She never responded.

 

How did this make you feel ? What about when you wrote the second letter ?

 

Was it because you were purging yourself of guilt or were you trying to get her back or possibly set the stage for a come back ?

[johan]

I wasn't surprised she didn't respond to the first one. I was in a great state of mind at the time, and was pretty self-contained. I wrote her because we broke up angry, and I felt bad about it. I still cared about her feelings and we said so much stuff besides what we were breaking up about that I wanted her to see the single problem that screwed things up for us.

 

The second letter I wrote because I was missing her and worried about her. She responded a week later when I was starting to put away the rest of my feelings for her. I'm not in as good a state of mind now. For some reason about three weeks ago I started feeling bummed out about it all. Then I wrote her, started climbing out of it, and her response made me think what I might do to start opening doors for us again. I've been thinking hard about it since then.

[Art_Critic]

I wasn't surprised she didn't respond to the first one. I was in a great state of mind at the time, and was pretty self-contained. I wrote her because we broke up angry, and I felt bad about it. I still cared about her feelings and we said so much stuff besides what we were breaking up about that I wanted her to see the single problem that screwed things up for us.

 

The second letter I wrote because I was missing her and worried about her. She responded a week later when I was starting to put away the rest of my feelings for her. I'm not in as good a state of mind now. For some reason about three weeks ago I started feeling bummed out about it all. Then I wrote her, started climbing out of it, and her response made me think what I might to to start opening doors for us again. I've been thinking hard about it since then.

 

Thanks for the reply..

 

You sound like you are in a better state of mind than you think.. you have been following your heart so far.. why not continue ?

[johan]

Thanks for the reply..

 

You sound like you are in a better state of mind than you think.. you have been following your heart so far.. why not continue ?

 

Thanks, Art. Maybe I will. It's a risk though. I'm nervous. I don't want to find out she's with someone else or that her love is gone. I also sort of think she needs to take some responsibility. I don't know. I posted a long one about it here...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=635621&postcount=44

[Art_Critic]

I also sort of think she needs to take some responsibility. I don't know.

 

Careful with this thought process.. it means you haven't healed enough to forgive her..

 

IF you sat down and talked with her today and you brought up the fact that she should shoulder some responsibility then getting back would fail..

I'm not saying that she doesn't have responsibility in it.. but when you forgive someone.. it's all supposed to be gone..

[johan]

Careful with this thought process.. it means you haven't healed enough to forgive her..

 

IF you sat down and talked with her today and you brought up the fact that she should shoulder some responsibility then getting back would fail..

I'm not saying that she doesn't have responsibility in it.. but when you forgive someone.. it's all supposed to be gone..

 

You might be right. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Hope some of this is helping JS17.

[JS17]

I'm just sitting back and listening. My situation is completely different. I'm looking to say things that I've needed to say for a long time and close the book for good.

 

I don't know how to advise you Johan. Your relationship has been on and off for a long time. I know you really care about her but how much turmoil can a relationship take? I'm hardly an expert so I don't want to state an opinion to try to get her back or to walk away.

[johan]

I'm just sitting back and listening. My situation is completely different. I'm looking to say things that I've needed to say for a long time and close the book for good.

 

I'd say go for it. Believe in yourself, and don't worry what kind of response you'll get back. He'll respect you for it. I think it's best to keep it brief.

 

... but how much turmoil can a relationship take?

 

LOTS. Trust me.

[JS17]

LOTS. Trust me.

Some people love relationships to be that way and I'm not one of them. If you don't mind the ups and downs and you still really feel that strongly that you want her back then maybe it's worth a try.

 

Are you sure that you can handle it if she says no or it goes bad again? Do you think you are hanging onto her because she's there? Do you think you can find the qualities that you love about her in someone else without the issue that continues to plague your relationship? I think those are the things you really need to think about before you make a decision.

 

Either way, I hope you find your happiness.

[TUDOR]

My exwife and I didn't talk after our divorce for about year. I felt like even though we went through the counceling, went through the divorce, dealt with the angry, denial, etc, after all that time had past I had a sense of clearity and outlook on the whole thing and in a better place to be able to talk to her about it.

 

I took the leap and emailed her and low behold she felt the same. We went from very bitter and not talking to thankful for what happend and now we keep in touch every few months and are friends again. The fact is this was someone that I let into my life, she was not only my wife at one time, but my lover, my friend and so much more. We don't let that many people, some never do in that close to us. I didn't understand why all that had to be thrown away and end on such bad terms. But it felt good to say things that I wasn't able to long ago. I'm glad I contacted her.

 

Just depends on your reasons for wanting to do it JS and the circumstances of the breakup.

[lilmoma1973]

My exwife and I didn't talk after our divorce for about year. I felt like even though we went through the counceling, went through the divorce, dealt with the angry, denial, etc, after all that time had past I had a sense of clearity and outlook on the whole thing and in a better place to be able to talk to her about it.

 

I took the leap and emailed her and low behold she felt the same. We went from very bitter and not talking to thankful for what happend and now we keep in touch every few months and are friends again. The fact is this was someone that I let into my life, she was not only my wife at one time, but my lover, my friend and so much more. We don't let that many people, some never do in that close to us. I didn't understand why all that had to be thrown away and end on such bad terms. But it felt good to say things that I wasn't able to long ago. I'm glad I contacted her.

 

Just depends on your reasons for wanting to do it JS and the circumstances of the breakup.

 

Wow Tudor wasn't aware you was married before!!

[lilmoma1973]

 

I guess if i wrote a note to my ex it wouldn't be nice at all alot of ugly words would be said he played me for a fool for so long and i was dumb and naive to his game because i thought i was in love and realized it wasn't when i met my now h !! Guess everything happens for a reason and if he hadn't cheated on me i wouldn't have my beautiful daughter so maybe i should find where he is and thank him for breaking my heart because i met someone else and had a daughter i love and wouldn't take nothing for !!

[TUDOR]

Wow Tudor wasn't aware you was married before!!

 

I was young and naive she was my HS girlfriend, long story but we were together about 6 years but we were married less than a year. We all make mistakes.

[Yamaha]

If writing to him will help you, and you have no need for a reply, then by all means write him. Getting your feelings out is very therapeutic. You could even just write it and never send it. Either way if it helps you then I'm all for it.

If you still harbor hope then don't do it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Remind me JS, how long has it been now since you last contacted your ex?

 

Johan, your advice is good. And your situation sucks. Hope it works out for you.

[lindya]

Ever written to an ex to clear the air long after it's over? What did you say in the letter (generalized, not specific of course)? On the flip side, ever receive a letter like this?

 

Never had to do it before since I always stayed on good terms with the ex's but I feel like it might be the right time. I'm not sure if it will help or hinder. I've posted about this in the past but I don't think the time was right then.

 

Is this the N, JS17?

 

I've done it twice, both times making it clear that it was just a "friendly note" regretting the loss of the friendship. Both times, my instincts all seemed to say that it was something I had to do. The messages elicited a delighted response full of "I've missed you so much", suggestions to meet up, arrangements being made, renewed declarations of love and the resumption of a relationship that seemed even more passionate and mutually appreciative than ever. Before, that is, it fell apart again and I had to go through the whole painful process again.

 

Since the last and final break up, I would sometimes get that instinct that it was "the right time" to contact him. Each time I resisted doing it, the urge passed after a couple of days. Now it's just history. I'd imagine that he probably does feel some level of guilt about the way things ended, but I've no interest in hearing about it. There are always better things to do with one's time than listening to some ghost from the past banging on about what a callous **** he used to be....and how much he's "matured" since then

[AndrewJ]

There are always better things to do with one's time than listening to some ghost from the past banging on about what a callous **** he used to be....and how much he's "matured" since then

 

 

LMAO:laugh:

[JS17]

This is the N. We broke up mid January, haven't spoken since mid March. He has been with his current girlfriend since January I assume, at the latest since February.

 

We are not right for each other, I haven't wanted to be with him for a long time and clearly he hasn't wanted to be with me. We were friends for a long time before we started dating but the friendship is gone.

 

I spent many months searching for answers and finally came to the realization that I will never get them. He will never give me the satisfaction of talking out what happened and I don't really need to know anymore.

 

Thoughts of writing for what I can't describe as anything better than closure has been on my mind for a few months now but I was still too emotional about it. There are things that have been on my mind that I've wanted to say to him for a long time and I wanted him to know but never had the chance to say it. I want to not hate him anymore, I just want to get to a point where I can put him squarely away in my past with no loose ends. I ruined a great relationship with someone else by letting the N stick in my head.

 

I don't expect to hear back from him but, no suprises here, I'm someone who needs to say what I have to say whether it's the last word or not. I recently had a death in the family and of course that sometimes has the effect of reflection and the desire to straighten out the wrongs in your life. This has been on my mind before that. I have thought about writing to others as apologies but that is of course different.

 

It seems like all of the responses have ranged from good to bad to worse. I think I know what the answer is for me but all of your stories have given me the opportunity to think about the best and worst case scenarios for my own situation. Thanks all for your responses.

 

(and thanks for staying on topic )

[alphamale]

Ever written to an ex to clear the air long after it's over? What did you say in the letter (generalized, not specific of course)? On the flip side, ever receive a letter like this?

I have sent two or three letters like this long after it was over, mainly out of guilt. I have never recieved one, however. Usuallly you see men writing these and not women.

[lindya]

It seems like all of the responses have ranged from good to bad to worse. I think I know what the answer is for me but all of your stories have given me the opportunity to think about the best and worst case scenarios for my own situation. Thanks all for your responses.

 

(and thanks for staying on topic )

 

I hope you do what's best for you, JS17. I can remember for quite some months having this desperate need to say lots of things to my ex in an attempt to move on. I wanted to tell him that he was the dysfunctional one. He was the one with the history of self harm, regular drug use, bizarre temper outbursts and general problems relating to most other people.

 

I felt as if he'd sucked all the normality out of me in an effort to cure himself and project all his inadequacies elsewhere. I wanted him to force him to see things from my perspective and to show him what a complete f*** up he was (as if, deep down, he didn't already know).

 

Basically, what I wanted to say could probably be summed up as "I'm okay, you're not okay" - but to cloak that message in polite, "adult" terms. I can see that now...and I can also see that when I got involved with him, I probably wasn't as emotionally "okay" as I wanted to think I was. Since he and I split up I just seem to attract much better, stronger sort of people (friendship wise and romance wise) than I ever did before....so I ended up getting something good out of the whole, horrible mess.

 

I feel a bit sorry for him now - and I know now that if I had messed with his mind as revenge for him messing with mine, I'd only have ended up feeling guilty for doing it. Especially in light of his troubled history. Eventually you're going to completely close this horrible chapter in your life, JS17. I'm convinced you don't need to contact him in order to do it....but only you can really say.

[alphamale]

I wanted to tell him that he was the dysfunctional one. He was the one with the history of self harm, regular drug use, bizarre temper outbursts and general problems relating to most other people.

why were you with him in the first place, LINDYA?

 

I'm convinced you don't need to contact him in order to do it.....

I agree

[lindya]

why were you with him in the first place, LINDYA?

 

Very good question, Alpha. He was funny and charming. There was a strong streak of immaturity in me (still there, but to a lesser extent) and being with him seemed like I was one of two naughty children having fun together. I never meant to get deeply involved, emotionally, with him - but it developed when I started to realise the extent of his problems. If someone is intelligent academically, it's easy to assume that they've got it together in other senses (eg emotionally).

 

I knew he used soft drugs, but it seemed to be on a recreational basis so I didn't get that drug use was actually a very intrinsic part of who he was. I don't have strong opinions about drug use, and have dabbled myself in the past. As things progressed, I found out more and more about how troubled he was....but he gave me this sense that being with me made him feel stable. That I was somehow able to make everything okay....so it started to be very much about his needs and how I could carry on making him feel happy and secure.

 

He brought out some mothering instinct in me, I suppose - and I didn't have the objectivity and insight to see just how unhealthy a relationship like that would be for an adult woman. I was hooked on thinking that I was this incredibly strong person (emotionally) who could cope with not having her own needs met in a relationship. I was living in a fantasy world, basically - and the relationship taught me some very important lessons about growing up and being brutally honest with myself about what I can and can't deal with. It also made me rethink some of my ideas about "recreational" drug use, the wisdom of getting involved with anyone who uses drugs on a regular basis - and, most of all, the wisdom of thinking that you can "fix" someone with love.

[JS17]

I just read your post again lindya. Your story is the same as mine. That explains a lot about my thought process as well in my relationship, minus the intelligence and add in the outward appearance of "niceness". Once I got close I started getting treated like he treated his family. I would have been better off staying friends but it is what it is.