runner22 Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend for 4yrs. We've had a normal relationship through the years (ups and downs), however, he does not wish to be intimate with me. Even kissing for a long time feels awkward sometimes. He says he loves me and that the physical part is not priority to him. The way I see it, it's not about sex at all. His behaviour tells me is that there is something wrong with me. I often feel rejected and very insecure about myself as a result of this. I feel this relationship is emotionally draining me...It's difficult to not feel unattractive when the person you love (and who loves you) doesn't want to share one of the most intimate moments with you. In the beginning I used to tell him I wanted to wait (since I haven't had sex with anyone yet), but seeing that he didn't make a move, I started tempting him just so I could be the one saying 'no' but that didn't work and I got hurt time and time again when I realized that I had no sexual effect on him anyway. I'm so confused! I love him and he's a great person who's always there for me but he makes me feel like I'm lacking. At one point I thought he could be gay but he says he's not. I feel awful complaining about him because he's amazing. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Have you told him exactly what you just wrote? You said what you were feeling pretty well there and that is exactly what he needs to hear. Communication is a must and this isn't something that can be ignored or that will go away unless you deal with it now. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Have you told him exactly what you just wrote? You said what you were feeling pretty well there and that is exactly what he needs to hear. Communication is a must and this isn't something that can be ignored or that will go away unless you deal with it now. Maybe he is not pursuing you because he wants to make sure you are ready this is your first time ,maybe he is being considerate to you and when the time is right you will know but make sure it is for love and not cause you are horny!! lol It needs to special and with the right person!! Try telling him how you feel and see what happens then!! Is he a virgin too? Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 I've been with my boyfriend for 4yrs. We've had a normal relationship through the years (ups and downs), however, he does not wish to be intimate with me. Even kissing for a long time feels awkward sometimes. He says he loves me and that the physical part is not priority to him. The way I see it, it's not about sex at all. His behaviour tells me is that there is something wrong with me. I often feel rejected and very insecure about myself as a result of this. I feel this relationship is emotionally draining me...It's difficult to not feel unattractive when the person you love (and who loves you) doesn't want to share one of the most intimate moments with you. In the beginning I used to tell him I wanted to wait (since I haven't had sex with anyone yet), but seeing that he didn't make a move, I started tempting him just so I could be the one saying 'no' but that didn't work and I got hurt time and time again when I realized that I had no sexual effect on him anyway. I'm so confused! I love him and he's a great person who's always there for me but he makes me feel like I'm lacking. At one point I thought he could be gay but he says he's not. I feel awful complaining about him because he's amazing. Any thoughts? What is interesting is that most of the time it's the men in marraiges who lose interest or sex drive over women. However, without knowing his history, I would guess you're his beard. In other words he's gay. My friend had a bf who was like that, but he also hardly wanted to visit her, it was almost like he set things up like this (because he lived in NYC and she was upstate) so he could appear straight but wasn't. Give up some more details about him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Just for clarification... You've been with him for 4 years, and he hasn't wanted to have sex with you the entire time? He's never wanted to? Or stopped wanting to at a certain time? Hmmm... I've never heard of a man never wanting sex for such a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author runner22 Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 Thank you for your replies. He has never wanted sex or even intimacy that doesn't involve sex. It would NOT be his first time, he's had one sexual partner prior to our relationship. This makes me feel worse because I feel that I'm the problem. I don't think I'm horrid looking, he tells me he is attracted to me. I work out often and try to stay healthy. I used to dress up nice before and had a zest for life, this slowly began to fade away as I began to lose some confidence. I wonder what it feels like to be wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 runner22... Huge flashing neon signs are saying Problem, Problem. And it isn't your fault. Trust me on this. It's not how you look, or that your unattractive, something is wrong in him. A man who isn't interested in sex has got Major issues! It's not you!! I understand where you're coming from. When the man you love doesn't even want to be intimate with you it really errodes your self-confidence. It sounds as if you have a great friendship with this man, but if there is no desire for intimacy on his part, even from the get-go, then you will need to find someone else. Living like that will destroy your self esteem. I can't say it enough, it's not you. But everyone wants to feel desired and attractive, and if he doesn't feel that way for you, then eventually you will start looking elsewhere for it. Talk with him again. Ask him why sex isn't an issue for him. Ask him what his thinking is, how he's feeling about it. the why's of the issue. Try to get to the root of the problem. It's not you, it's him. And he's only giving you half-truths. He may not know the problem. But talk to him and see if the both of you can discover it. Be up front and honest with how you feel. And most important. Be honest with yourself. This is a problem, and it's not because of you. Decide if it's more important to be with someone your comfortable with but who doesn't desire you, or if you deserve to be loved AND desired by the man who loves you. Don't let his baggage destroy your self worth. Link to post Share on other sites
wanda1974 Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Four years????? No sex?????? I could put money on the fact that he's gay. He's probably in denial, and is in a relationship with you thinking this will go away. Sorry, but a relationship with no sex, or even an attempt, in 4 YEARS, is absolutely insane! How old are you guys???? Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Has he ever had a hard on around you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author runner22 Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 Again, thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it very much. I'm 22yrs old and he's 25. He looks at OTHER women in a sexual way (he doesn't stare but he looks) and will make the occasional comment on someone he finds attractive. At first, I'd make a fuss about it but now I don't say anything because it at least gives me comfort that he thinks about sex. Like I said before, he's a terrific guy. He would bend over backwards for me, would do anything for me and is always making sure I'm okay by providing me with his unconditional support. I feel I have created a dependency on him, rely on him too much and I hate myself for allowing it to happen. This makes it so much more difficult to leave him. He's all I've known for four years! When I have talked to him about the issue, he tells me he's just a nervous guy and that he's scared I'll get pregnant. I don't want a child either (this isn't even about the sex. I probably wouldn't be able to have sex with him anyway, as I resent him too much for putting me through this....BUT I would like to feel wanted). I told him we can see a doctor and discuss birth control. He says he would still be scared to get me pregnant and that would screw up his life. Could this be an excuse or is it possible that he could be genuenly scared? How do I find out the truth? I don't want to leave him. I love him and according to him he loves me too. I just want a normal relationship but I don't want to make a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
prdeeva Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Ok, I have to jump in on this one. My ex brother-in-law ( I was married to his brother) put his girlfriend off for 2 years saying exactly the same things your bf is saying "I am afraid we might get pregnant". His gf put up with it for the 2 years and then decided to do something about it. She followed him one day only to find out that he was hanging out at a very well known gay spot. I am not suggesting you follow him, but you need to dig deeper into this gay issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 I'm not buying "fear of getting pregnant" excuse either. I was terrified of getting pregnant, but I still couldn't keep my hands off the guy I was dating. Even with bc and condoms, I was still scared of getting pregnant, but it didn't put me off entirely. That's insane. Either he has a medical problem, erectile dysfunction that he doesn't want to tell you about, or he's gay. Men do NOT go without some sort of sex in their lives. I have NEVER heard of it. Ever. and Never met a straight man like your describing. Link to post Share on other sites
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