relationships and love and trust and loss.....

[Devin Post]

I don't know what to do about a friend of mine. I posted a message a few weeks back about a friend who was dating a 16 year old female for about a month. He is 23. Anyway, they have been going out, having fun, and getting along really well.

 

The problem is, even though i think he's nuts, he continues to tell me he's in love and she's in love. How quaint. However the issue resolves around her family. Because they do not support their daughter dating an older guy, they have reported her missing repeatedly and stuff when the two of them hang out.

 

Anyway, my friend finally has seized contact with the girl. He isn't talking to her, not contacting her, not even emailing her; He said, there is no nothing because he'll probably get into trouble if he see's or talks to her again, because of her family.

 

Well, he keeps asking me if he did the right thing, by not contacting her and not seeing her. I believe he did, because she is so young and the fact that her family does not support the relationship will save both of them now, before it gets way out of hand.

 

I don't see my friend as a trouble maker or an evil person, for one, he really really is into her, i can tell, but he will be better off. But my problem is he's really getting depressed. Like he's not showing it, but I can tell and I try to take him out, hook him up with girls our own age, and just go out and have fun.. It's not working.

 

So i gave him some time alone, but that wasn't working either. He keeps saying he thinks he's making the biggest mistake of his life, and i don't know what to tell him.

 

I say she's only 16 and has lots to learn, but his reasoning is he's had a few members of his own family who were married at 16 and 17 and 18 and who, almost 20 years later, are still married. He says he loves her and that my reasoning with him, isn't any good. I am confused and really don't know what to do?

 

He recently said he might just take off, disappear, and I asked him to explain and all he'll say is I don't know....

 

He is one of my closest friends, I don't like to see him this way but I don't know what to do????

 

Any suggestions??

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "He is one of my closest friends, I don't like to see him this way but I don't know what to do???? Any suggestions??"

 

Yeah, butt out of your friend's problems and let him take care of himself. You live your own life.

 

A friend is there to give support but not to meddle meticulously in other's lives. Your friend will get over this. You seem to have given him enough advice and help on this subject.

 

He has to go through his own stuff and learn his own lessons. Just be there for him if he gets really down. Otherwise, time will heal all this and he'll be just fine.

 

He also has to respect the wishes of this girl's parents and stay away. If he doesn't, he'll go to jail.

 

The biggest lesson he has to learn now is he can't have everything he wants or every girl he wants. He's depressed because he didn't get his way. Well, in life, sometimes we don't get our way. The sooner her learns that, the better.

 

Be his friend...but let him live his own life. It might also be great if you told him about this site and let him put up his own posts. While you are being a nice friend to inquire for him, nobody can express exactly how he feels about all this better than him.

[PPT]

Wow...that is a really tough one. It is my belief that love does not recognize age difference...that being said, I also CERTAINLY DO NOT think that a 16 yo girl...(or a 23 yo guy now that I am thinking about it), is capable of that type of true emotion and mature responsibility. I am 28...my bf is 26...not much of a difference there...but I can remember being 20 and dating 30 yo's who were light years ahead of me in life. The whole time I was reading your post all I could think about was my youngest sister, who just turned 17. She likes to date older men too...unfortunately for HER she has 2 older sisters and 2 older brothers to stop her - aside from the fact that she keeps rather "shady" company, which I am sure your friend is not.

 

Look, we have no way of validating or nullifying other people's emotions...NO ONE can determine whether or not someone's love for another person is "real." We have opinions, observations and things of that nature...but we are not able to correctly make that assumption. People will do what ultimately they want, what feels most right to them. You are a good friend obviously - as your empathy for what your friend is going through has brought you here. The best advice I can offer you is just BE THERE...let him do what he needs to do, and just BE THERE....let him know that there is CONSTANT support for him. You can't change his feelings, the situation, the outcome...all you can do is be there for him, and pray for him (if that is something you believe in). He can't be that bad of a guy with a friend that cares as much about him as you do! Hope this helped some...god bless!

 

PPT

I don't know what to do about a friend of mine. I posted a message a few weeks back about a friend who was dating a 16 year old female for about a month. He is 23. Anyway, they have been going out, having fun, and getting along really well. The problem is, even though i think he's nuts, he continues to tell me he's in love and she's in love. How quaint. However the issue resolves around her family. Because they do not support their daughter dating an older guy, they have reported her missing repeatedly and stuff when the two of them hang out. Anyway, my friend finally has seized contact with the girl. He isn't talking to her, not contacting her, not even emailing her; He said, there is no nothing because he'll probably get into trouble if he see's or talks to her again, because of her family. Well, he keeps asking me if he did the right thing, by not contacting her and not seeing her. I believe he did, because she is so young and the fact that her family does not support the relationship will save both of them now, before it gets way out of hand. I don't see my friend as a trouble maker or an evil person, for one, he really really is into her, i can tell, but he will be better off. But my problem is he's really getting depressed. Like he's not showing it, but I can tell and I try to take him out, hook him up with girls our own age, and just go out and have fun.. It's not working. So i gave him some time alone, but that wasn't working either. He keeps saying he thinks he's making the biggest mistake of his life, and i don't know what to tell him. I say she's only 16 and has lots to learn, but his reasoning is he's had a few members of his own family who were married at 16 and 17 and 18 and who, almost 20 years later, are still married. He says he loves her and that my reasoning with him, isn't any good. I am confused and really don't know what to do? He recently said he might just take off, disappear, and I asked him to explain and all he'll say is I don't know.... He is one of my closest friends, I don't like to see him this way but I don't know what to do???? Any suggestions??