in Love but Confused.

[ceewers]

I fell in love one day at church, in such a way that i have never felt before, and the guy felt the same way, and we began dating, and we have been for 10 months. he is a very loving guy, but there are some issues that i am concerned with. for one, his cousin told me that he had debt, she didnt know how much, but when i asked him said he had some, then when i kept at him i finally got how much it really was. he has about 30,000 in debt, he moved here from NY. and both his parents have died., he is 33, i am 22. he has a job, but it pays next to nothing, he has used these cash advance places and can barely pay them off, and some of these debts that he has has been sitting for a while. he is a wonderful guy, but he is slow, he doesnt understand "common" things, you have to explain things to him a few times for him to get it. his mother was in her late 40's when she had him, and some people have said thats why he acts crazy sometimes, because she was going through the change of life and it affected him, although, he doesnt know a lot, can read, and write but only on a 5th grade level, i fell in love with him, and he asked me to marry him a few months back, and i accepted before i knew how much debt he really had., thats the first problem, the second is that we got jobs at the mall and me and my dad went to see him yesterday at work, and he looked nasty, he looked like he hadnt washed his hair in days, it was very greasy looking, and he hadnt shaved, when i go out with him he looks nice, clean and shaven, and it just surpised me how rugged he looked, the one job he has is a dirty one, but even so not washing for days is nasty, and when i talked to him that night i got on him about it because he washed his hair this past sunday and that was on wednesday when i seen him, and that is just nasty, all he does is go to work, maybe go to the other if scheduled and come home. i am in college and have a load of work to do and still i find time to take a shower every day, but he said that he didnt know why he didnt take a shower. and that made me mad because he trys to act like he doesnt know that he is supposed to do something to get out of the trouble. and i dont know what to do. i love him very much and it was love at first sight, and i told him that he has to get a better job and pay all the debt off before i marry him. and he has looked around some for a job, but he will go look for a day , hand in some resumes and thats it, thats all he does..so i dont know how long you are supposed to wait to see if he will get his act in gear, he has been the best boyfriend/fiance that i have ever had and i know he truly cares about me , but i dont know if i can get past the money/cleanliness issue,...what do i do, is it just me making a big deal or what should i do?? please help....

[runner22]

Well let me tell you the not-taking-a-shower issue is definitely not the problem here but it does speak volumes on how you truly feel about him. It's not that he didn't shower that bothers you, that's just how bad small things make you feel when you have a real issue with someone. When even the most banal bothers you then it's due to something else much greater and significant. Having said that, I am concerned about not so much about his debt but about his inability to repay it for whatever reason. It seems that he loves you and I would even dare to say he tries very hard for you (since he did shower after you got upset!) but I feel that no matter what he does, he will never be good enough for you, not because of him but because of you and how you see him. It seems that you look down on him for having a learning 'disability' and you really shouldn't because that's out of his control. However, you have every right to choose who you want in your life and who you don't, so don't settle, if you feel that you are, then don't marry him. You might break his heart now and your own as well but just imagine the regret after being married to someone you weren't even sure about from the start. Hope this helps and sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. My intention is to help.

[ceewers]

Thanks for the advice, its not that i have a problem with his learning disability, i had one too when i was younger. i guess the problem that i have with him, is like you said the inability to pay for the debts. i do love him very much, he is my heart and soul, i even told him that when he gets the debt down to half that i would help him pay on it, that main reason is because once i get out of college, i will have the same debt to pay if not more, and i dont have the money now either to help him with them. he wasnt very truthful with me about the debt issue in the first place, after we became boy/girlfriend he never told me, his family did and he got mad that they did and even then he wasnt truthful with the amount i had to keep asking for him to finally tell me how much. but, my main concern is that it will be 5 years from now and nothing be paid. and, if i married him now, then his debt would also become mine. and for another, my parents love him to death, he is the only guy ive ever dated that my parents have actually liked this much, and they dont know about this debt and if they knew, they would think im crazy for staying with him; and thats not so much because he has the debt, but because he hasnt paid on any of it,. some of these debts on credit cards have sat for 3 years if not more. But, i do love him very very much, it truly was love at first sight and i couldnt imagine not having him in my life. i would die for him. i guess that part of this may be "me", i have been in relationships in the past and i gave and gave and gave and the guy took and took and took and then cheated on me or left for some reason. so, its not that im afraid of that happening with him, but i dont think you ever get over something like that happening in the past.

[Devildog]

Personally, I think you are a tad bit too shallow to be with this guy. This isn't meant as a knock on you. See my reason below for why I say this.

 

he is a wonderful guy, but he is slow, he doesnt understand "common" things, you have to explain things to him a few times for him to get it...(snip)...he doesnt know a lot, can read, and write but only on a 5th grade level

 

Is it possible he doesn't fully grasp the responsiblities he has to pay off these debts? From you description of him, it sounds like he may be borderline mentaly retarded. He might not understand his obligation to pay the debts off. He might not completely understand the concept of a credit card as being something that may need to be repaid.