A Big Mess

[Lou Lou]

I just broke up with a partner and jumped into bed with a friend of mine. I have been very honest with him about the fact that I just want casual sex and not a relationship. Now I have changed my mind and I do not even want casual sex because I have found that I need some more time before I start even having sex again..My head is spinning in other words and I need it to be clear. He calls me 2-4 times a day, brings me presents and is acting generally interested in starting a love affair even though he promises he does not want that.

 

I need to figure out how to tell him to leave me alone and that I am no longer interested in any intimacy any more without hurting his feelings. We are in a band together which makes things a little hard too. What should I tell him?

[Tony T]

No matter how you tell him, he sounds like a guy who doesn't get the message to well. His name wouldn't be Jack, would it?

 

You need to very clearly tell him you have taken inventory of your feelings and have decided it is best for you not to be in any kind of relationship right now, including casual sex. Also, tell him you feel extremely uncomfortable with him pursuing you during this time in your healing process.

 

Let him know this is a time of confusion for you and you simply haven't the energy to put forth right now for any more than a friendship with him. Be very firm in letting him know he is your friend and, therefore, you don't want him making a fool of himself by continuing to lavish gifts on an unwilling receiver...YOU. Tell him to just plain STOP. Tell him anything he gets you in the future will be returned to the store for a cash refund, which will be dontated to charity.

 

You have got to speak to him firmly so he will understand. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Tell him if he is any friend to you at all, he will back off and make life easy for you. If he continues coming onto you with seeming interest in a relationship, terminate all contact with him...at least for the timebeing. Let him know what he is doing is threatening even a friendship.

 

Some guys just don't understand...they don't get the message.

 

Did I ask you if his name was Jack?

[Ajay]

Hi LouLou!

 

I think you said it best for yourself:

Now I have changed my mind and I do not even want casual sex because I have found that I need some more time before I start even having sex again.. I am no longer interested in any intimacy any more

If he is your friend and you have been honest with him from the start of all this, you should be able to be honest with him now. Sure, some feelings are bound to get hurt, but it will be better for you than continuing on in this manner.

 

Good for you for seeing this as a problem and wanting to do something about. Best of luck to you both.

 

Ajay

[Ajay]

Be nice Tony!

 

Some people don't know Jack!!!

 

Ajay

[Lou Lou]

Tony:

 

Thank you for the advice. I actually talked to him last night and he responded very positively. He said no matter what I wanted to do would be fine with him and that he just feels lucky to get the chance to be with me. So right now it is completely my decision as to whether I want to continue as lovers or pleutonically (sp?). One thing that is hard for me to get into my head sometimes is that when I change my mind about something, peoplr don't have to be happy with that change and they may be angry or hurt but that doesn't mean I shouldn't change my mind....Make sense? The only thing he said that bugged me was that if we continue sleeping together, i have to tell him if I sleep with someone else. This is an indication to me that this will never be as "casual" as I want it to be.

[Lou Lou]

Thank you Ajay....I was honest with him and though some feelings may get hurt..that is life. He responded very positively and said that he will always feel good about our encounter and that it "did his soul good" so he said if I wanted to return to just being friends that would be fine with him. He just wants to continue being my friend.