Can I win her back?

[CaliGuy]

First off, thank you for reading this. If you have read it all the way through and been in a similar siuation where you won your ex back, I would love to hear from you. If you think the siuation is hopeless, please feel free to say so. It's better to know things are truly over than to destroy any chance of being happy with someone else over waiting for her heart to change.

 

My relationship with my ex has lasted two years and two breakups. She has always been independent and never really wanted a boyfriend. I feel madly in love, she did not. The reason she did not was that I somehow couldn't figure out that she just wanted to "hang out" with no obligations. Whenever I would mention moving the relationship forward, she would pull away.

 

My ex lives with me. She sleeps on the couch because she needs a place to stay until she can move out on her own. We've lived together since August 1st. In the middle of September I asked "Where are we in this relationship?" She said "Friends..." and I said "But we're having sex, we having a great time, why can't be be something more?" She simply replied "I am not ready for a realtionship. I don't want to be tied down. I've been living in a shell my entire life and I want to enjoy life."

 

She can see us married, she's said that. She said she loves me, but she's not, and I quote "Gah gah in love." She said marriage scares her. That she doesn't want to have to "report" to someone. That she feels if she doesn't get this rebellion-type attitude out of her system that if she was to get married she thinks would cheat or regret being married.

 

After we had this dicussion, she started sleeping on the couch. We did "some" things together. Recently we went on a trip with her new friends. One of them is a guy that likes her and she likes him. They have both stated they don't want to date and they're just hanging out. We all stayed in a hotel. Her with me and him with his friend (another girl). After we had dinner with several other friends, we hit the rooms. I was tired, she was not. She decided to go up to his room and "hang out." She said they are not sleeping together and I stupidly didn't trust her. About 1/2 hour later I look out my hotel room window the the guy's friend is sitting in his truck on her cell phone.

 

My immediate reaction was "they kicked her out of the room to have sex." So I got up and asked the friend "Are they in there having sex?" She said "no they kicked me out because I was on my cell phone and felt they were being too noisy." I asked what room he was in and she very reluctantly told me. She asked "Why do you want to know?" and I replied "If they are sleeping together, I just want to know so I can write her off." I went up to the room and they were quietly talking. I waited a few minutes and then went back down to the friend who was visibly upset with me for "checking up on them."

 

I couldn't stand it. I went to my room and called her. I know, it was stupid. She answered and was ticked at me. "We're not doing anything, we're just talking..." I felt like a heel.

 

The next day she told me "I need my space. You've embarrassed me in front of my friends. I don't want to hang out with you and my friends anymore because they think you've got a problem. I can't tell you exactly how I feel right now but I'll think about it and send it in an email. You need to live your own life and have friends and stop worrying about me." I said "I realize I have to let you go to have a chance at us later." and she said "Don't do it on the premise of winning me back." and I said "No, I need to do it for myself, in order to have a good relationship with anyone." I told her I could do it." and she said "Your actions will prove it, not your words."

 

Look, I realize I REALLY screwed up because I showed her I didn't trust her. Without trust, you have no respect and no respect = no relationship.

 

She has said she could see us married and do a degree that gives me some hope. All she wants is her independence and no "authority" over her life. I agree, she needs that.

 

Some quick points I wanted to make:

We live together and will have to for at least the next few months. I've given her a place to stay and I helped her find a good paying job she really likes. Sexually we're VERY compatible. She has mentioned before that she has dreamed about sex with me. So at least I know that there is some attraction left.

 

I know I need to get a life. She said I need to hang out with my friends and be independent of her. I plan on hanging out with them more. I plan on proving to MYSELF, not just to her, that I don't need her in my life, that I just want her. She knows that I want to marry her. That point has been made perfectly clear.

 

My questions come down to this.

1. Is it possible to change her perception of me?

2. If so, what actions can I take to show her without them looking like I am bitter (ie: She invited me to brothers birthday party and to her parents for Christmas, but if I decide not to go would that seem like I am bitter?)

3. What "mindset" can I put myself in that will help me become less concerned with what she is doing and place more emphasis on making myself independent of her?

4. She sees me as clingy, with no life outside of her. What's the most logical way to break free of this image she sees of me?

 

Know that she lives with me and I see that as a two month "test." She will get to see me occasionally in the evenings. I don't think ignoring her is the right thing to do, but I also have to conciously not pay too much attention to her.

 

Has anyone been in a similar siuation that worked out. If so, what did you do?

[Art_Critic]

She sounds like she has some intamacy issues as well as the fact she just realized that you are not the one for her..

 

No you can't win her back.. any push in that direction will be met with more effort to seperate even further..

 

The best thing you could do is start to go out.. even if it by yourself..

Get a life so to speak.. don't let her know what you are going thru at all.. never tell her what you are doing..

 

go from there..

[CaliGuy]

She sounds like she has some intamacy issues as well as the fact she just realized that you are not the one for her..

 

No you can't win her back.. any push in that direction will be met with more effort to seperate even further..

 

The best thing you could do is start to go out.. even if it by yourself..

Get a life so to speak.. don't let her know what you are going thru at all.. never tell her what you are doing..

 

go from there..

 

I hear you. She has said that she loves sex with me and just the other day I wanted to do it and she said she wanted to as well, but couldn't because she knows I'll want to date again.

 

I agree, I need to get a life and show her that I am not a lonely person and that I can live without her. I can. I've told her that I don't need her in my life, I WANT her in it.

 

I just don't know how to go about doing this. It's extremly difficult for me to just act like I don't love her. She said she likes the guy she hangs out with because "He could care less what I do."

 

That's what I need to do. Get a life, hang out with friends, maybe even date someone else. I need to do that for myself, not to prove anything to her.

 

How do I do this? How do I force a change in the way I think so that I can make the transition as fast and easy as possible? Is this even a possiblity???

[sexysi]

You should never feel forced to change 'who you are' to make someone else happy. From what you say here it sounds a lot like this girl is using you and while you continue to chase her she won't be interested.

 

Look we all know what it is like to be fantastically attracted to someone and not have that returned in the manner we would like. I know I have had an amazing sex life with a previous girlfriend only for her to decide she "wasn't ready for a relationship". But what you describe to me sounds very much like an infatuation and you really need to get this girl out of your life. For starters, kick her off your couch and send her packing. Look many, many girls use sex as a tool to get what they want. Right now she has got food over her head and a man to chase her when she is feeling a bit low. Frankly I would be disturbed if you hadn't thought something was going on when she was having a quiet chat with another man in his hotel room - that stinks.

 

You won't be able to get her back until you move on and accept that it's over. Once you deal with your feelings and find your own feet then you'll be happy. And that's when she'll be interested in you again (women are like that).

 

As for your "mindset" - my advice. Kick her out - get her out of your hair and someone else's problem. That's a start. Think about a part time job, perhaps at a bar or something - that way you meet loads of people, make new friends and most importantly hang out with attractive women. It'll also keep you busy and not thinking about her. But the biggest difference you can make is making the concious choice to move on and no longer be manipulated......

 

Good luck!

[CaliGuy]

sexysi, I think you are right on with your advice. However, if I kick her out, after promising her she could stay, I don't know that it wouldn't kill any chance of us forever.

 

I WILL get a life starting today. I will go out, even if it's alone. In fact, I think I am going to go to the movies tonight by myself. Who cares?!

 

I am not going to her brothers birthday party, but I will buy the gift and she can take it...

 

I am going to ask out a girl I haven't talked to in a while. She's nice, I like her and I might as well start getting out in the world!

[CaliGuy]

Frankly I would be disturbed if you hadn't thought something was going on when she was having a quiet chat with another man in his hotel room - that stinks.

 

I wanted to add that my distrust of her stems from her own admission she has a hard time controlling her hormones, though lately I admit she has been doing so.

 

Not trusting her has really put a strain on any chance of reconcilliation. I suppose that is why I need to shut up, mind my own business, let her make her mistakes and learn on her own and if she comes back, great. If not, at least then I'll be well on my way towards releaseing her grip on me.