why all the coldness from Ex????

[Tricia]

Hi ya'll

 

I haven't posted in a day or 2.I have had nothing to say and everything at all.I know,makes no sense.I'm simply put.....Heartbroken!!!

I am going thru hell and he is as cold as one human being can be towards me.I don't understand how after 11+yrs.,all we have been thru,him knowing I am not taking this well at all----How can he be so cold to me??????

 

I have really tried hard to do the NC thing.Had NC yesterday and started out that way today,after him calling me 2x's I knew he wanted something,then the 3rd call.I decided to text instead of talking to him.It could have been about the kids.Not, I was right the 1st time,he wanted a ride to the Dr.was nice as could be,got a pleazzzz an all.I told him NO,back to A$$ stage he went.I talked to his Dad,explained I wanted to get thru 1 day of no crying,that it hurt just to hear his voice,muchless see him and the only time he is nice to me is when he wants something or needs a ride.His Dad told me he understood,then he gets a change.he says "Well he is paying for the car an Ins.so maybe U shoud think it out alil more".Ok,so I did.Decided fine ,I'll take him.To hell with my Sanity......Right.I text back,after he won't answer my call an tell him that I will give him a ride.I get back "KMA!! Pop will take me"Ok,now I feel like crap again.

I am wanting the NC to work in my advantage,but it's not-He told me he misses me but is also enjoying not being here with me.$#@^&(**(...This is NOT working to my advantage.My husband is Bi-polar,not only refuses to get help,but refuses to believe he has a problem.To him I am the source of all of his problems.He has never accepted responsibility for any of our problems,for 11 yrs,it's been all me.It's always been me trying to keep us together,it has always been me begging.We have broke up twice in 11 yrs.I'm 40 and he is 33.I am wanting an will get help for my issues.I guess I can't make him see things the way they are,he refuses to see any good in me.The only decent comment I have gotten out of him is when I asked him what he was gonna miss the most,he said our closeness.Don't feel to close now,I'm hitting an iceberg.

Thanx again for all of the help and advice,

Blond

[Lil Honey]

I am sorry that you are hurting, but it seems that the sooner you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, the sooner you can move forward.

 

Find a way to make some extra money (get a second job or use a talent to do something for others around the holidays - like housecleaning). Use the extra money to pay for the car yourself so that you aren't in some power struggle over it. The faster you arrange your life so that you don't need him or his money, the faster you can stick to NC and the faster you will feel better.

 

That will also force him to get a vehicle himself. I just finished talking to my daughter about her loser boyfriend that she kicked to the curb (finally). I told her that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is make their life uncomfortable. They seem to learn the lesson more effectively and efficiently.

[slubberdegullion]

Oh, Tricia, my heart goes out to you. The pain that you're experiencing right now comes through clearly in your words.

 

Stay strong, and keep the NC up. If he needs a ride somewhere, he can take a cab or get a lift with one of his friends. No longer are you his maid, driver, emotional dumping ground or anything else. He made his choice and now he has to live with it.

 

Stay strong. You're going to be ok, but it will take time.

[Scott S]

Hello again.

 

I don't recall your having previously mentioning his condition. That would explain much, but you know that already, so...

 

For what it's worth, you can only change you. Not him. You have made up your mind to get help & get better. He needs to do likewise, & until he decides to accept responsibility for his life & well-being, there is nothing you can do about it.

 

For the sake of your own sanity, you need to put your foot down & stop accomodating his demands. Otherwise you are little more than a tool - kept in a drawer until needed, & once done, put away & forgotten until the next time he needs you. I know you don't want to live like this.

___________________________________________

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra

[Tricia]

I do so much appreciate the care and concern that everyone shows here.It's hard to get on here at times for me an post.I am looking for answers that are not here.I am hoping against hope whatever "clicked"in my husband ,will click back.Everyone says it will get better,but what if it don't?

I with all my heart believe in TRUE LOVE,Soul Mates an all the other good things about Love.I believe ppl bury the love the have for someone and will not let it resurface.This is the choice they make.I have been in love before,I have been married before,They both died.My 1st husband in a car accident,my other Love,he was murdered and my best friend was killed the same day in an ATV accident.Should I be "Normal"after all of this.I have not been able to live life,only in the past.I am in constant fear the ppl I love that are left will leave me also.Concious or not,they are still gone.My Grandma who I loved more than life,died 8 months ago.I had taken care of her for the last 3yrs of her life,she was 94.I have been on a downward spirial since,it being more than I could take when my oldest son left for Kuwait.

Now,the ONLY person I depended on,the last one I had left,who promised he would never leave me,he bailed when emotionally I was at my worst.

I have burnt him out,desensitized him to my pain.This is what he tells me.

I am lost,confussed,miserable an everyother emotion one can go thru right now.I don't know where to turn or what to do.

For good an bad,thru it all I do Love this man with all my heart and soul.I do not love nor trust easily,it's hard for me,but I gave my heart to him.He made promises to me and the kids.I wanted at least one of my children to be raised by both of their parents.I don't believe in Divorce.I didn't marry 15 yrs after becoming a widow at 19 to have it end in divorce.

Do I feel pathetic? yep!!

Do I feel I need to let go? yep!!

 

I don't know how to let go of something I feel this strong about,I am a fighter with a hard head.I don't know how to let go of someone I love so much.

Blond

[Scott S]

My 1st husband in a car accident,my other Love,he was murdered and my best friend was killed the same day in an ATV accident.Should I be "Normal"after all of this.I have not been able to live life,only in the past.I am in constant fear the ppl I love that are left will leave me also.

 

A lot of losses for one person to contend with. More than most people, I would say.

 

I wonder if you are suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. Perhaps something to discuss with your counselor?

_______________________________________________

If a man eats a pound of pasta & a pound of antipasti, do they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry?

[Devildog]

Hey Tricia. I know what you are feeling. My XW was the same way. She lost her brother in a car accident 6 months after our wedding and things went downhill. Then four and a half years later we lost a child 11 days after she was born. She never got any kind of counselling for these losses. Anyone suggested she talk to a counselor, we were accusing her of being insane. She didn't have a problem, except for me. I of course was the root of all her problems. It was my fault she was unhappy. So after more than a year of being apart, she isn't any happier and now even more of her problems are my fault somehow. She left me, and somehow I was the one who left her holding the bag.

 

But the important thing I learned about the situation is that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. If you try, they will drag you down with them.

[Tricia]

Thanx again for ur replies:)

I guess it's how U stated DevilDog,but on tha flip.

His side per say.He says I have "Burn't him out"

I realized way to late to do anything about it.Like an idiot,I believed for better or worse,sickness an health.Ya know,all the BS!!!

I didn't want to get help,or I would,then as soon as I felt better I would stop going.Things just piled up.

But after all of this, All the Love he claimed to have,why so cold in a matter of weeks?

I really don't get it.I never thought anyone could treat a person they had become so close to,when they get close to NOone at all.How he could be so cold to me now?

Thanx,

Blond

[Devildog]

He reached his breaking point. After a certain point a person just says they can't do it anymore. And it can happen quickly. Like when you suddenly have had enough of a friend and don't want anything to do with them anymore.

 

You are on the other side, so it might be hard to understand. From my side of it, I was giving sooooo much to try and make things work, to make my XW happy. And it was never enough. Most days it didn't even register to her that I was doing anything for her. But there was nothing I could do to make her happy. Because in reality happiness comes from inside. She had to be able to allow herself to be happy before I could do anything to make her happy. She never did reach that point for the record. But after all that time of trying to help her and getting abused basically for it, I got tired and went from wanting to fix things to eagerly awaiting the finalizing of the divorce in a matter of days.

[slubberdegullion]

Not knowing the intimate details of the situation, here's my take on why he's so cold:

 

He has made a decision to separate from a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman. Given the losses you have experienced, there's a likelihood of PTSD that may be manifesting itself in you which bubbled up in the marriage from time to time. Now, his statement of being burnt out is very telling. You rightfully expected him to be there and be emotionally supportive to you, and undoubtedly he did his best. But sometimes - and I can speak of this from personal experience - a partner may feel overwhelmed by the Niagara of trauma. That's probably why he began distancing himself, and why he eventually chose this course of action.

 

He has probably come to realize, though, that what he was experiencing in the relationship was not really you, but was your pain and trauma. The "real you" was buried underneath the tonnage of pain and trouble, but he could not touch the spirit of the real Tricia because it was so truly and deeply buried.

 

Only now is he coming to that realization. That's why he's becoming cold and distant. It's much easier for him to put up a brave front than deal with the real issue.

 

Now, I don't know if this helps or not, but the point is that his aloofness is not because he has moved on so fast; quite the opposite, in fact.

 

Whether he will eventually see this or not is not something that I can, or care to, predict. So your primary focus right now must be taking good care of yourself. Feel the feelings deeply; know that this process is very much like grief; and understand that the inner strength you possess dwarfs the issues that you are currently undergoing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

{{HUGS}}

[slubberdegullion]

I was giving sooooo much to try and make things work, to make my XW happy. And it was never enough. Most days it didn't even register to her that I was doing anything for her. But there was nothing I could do to make her happy... She never did reach that point for the record. But after all that time of trying to help her and getting abused basically for it, I got tired and went from wanting to fix things to eagerly awaiting the finalizing of the divorce in a matter of days.

Oh, MAN, this is EXACTLY what ex #2 was like. To give and give and give and give and get nothing but abuse and derision in return was the cruellest of relationships.

 

And here I thought I was the only one...