Adjusting to LDR...

[ZGT1503]

Hi, my boyfriend left for a different continent 2 weeks ago. He had a very difficult time adapting for the first week or so, and consequently was calling me all the time and very expressive about his feelings for me and the fact he missed me and so on.

During this time I was coping pretty much ok and missed him, but was not too bad. Now I'm starting to find it harder and missing him much more, and this is coinciding with him feeling better and having more fun over there (also probably connected to that!)

Anyway, as he's feeling happier, his calls and contact have become less, (but he still gets in touch a lot and hasn't changed in what he says or how he feels). When he was having a hard time I was there all the time for him. Now it's the other way round and I feel he's not doing the same thing.

My question is... I've told him that I'm not doing so well, should I back off a bit with getting in touch, or should I explain that I feel he's not there for me in the same way and ask him for more?

I don't really want to rock the boat in a situation that's already hard!

[Milo]

No, you can't really "be there" for each other in a meaningful sense like you were in person, so telling each other that you aren't available is not a good thing to do. Realistically, you are both on your own and responsible for making your lives interesting seperately. It's best to make some friends or find old ones to go out and do things to fill your free time. I'd suggest you look into things you once used to do and have set aside. In any case, take care of yourself and then you will feel less strain on your long distance situation. Then when you talk to each other, it will all be about the fun you both had last weekend. It's better that way.

[ZGT1503]

Thanks for the response Milo.

The trouble is that I am keeping myself SO busy and going out all the time in an attempt to do what you suggest - and I still feel like this!

But certainly that is preferable to sitting around alone feeling miserable and dwelling on it. Because I have a lot of jealousy issues, that's probably contributing, and now the knowledge that he's having a laugh and not missing me so much is obviously making me insecure.

Now that I've thought about it, it doesn't achieve anything by telling him he is not 'there' for me and so on. I have been honest with him that I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, but to make him feel guilty when he hasn't done anything wrong won't help!

Thanks for confirming what I knew was right, really!

[Milo]

So what is the situation that is keeping you two in different continents, anyway? Is it your jobs? The circumstances make the separation either more difficult or easier I think.

[ZGT1503]

We both came to Australia on a year visa, and met over here. He's Swiss and I'm from the UK. His visa ran out so he went home, and mine runs out in January.

Then I'll return to Europe and we'll see each other again, with a view to me moving over there if things are still going well.

I've done the long distance thing before and am a bit sceptical so we'll just see where it takes us - and if I can control my jealousy issues!

Are you in an LDR too? You obviously have some idea of how to deal with it all...

[Milo]

Yes, I'm in one myself. I have dealt with it by spending every moment I can with old friends and doing things I used to enjoy all the way back in college even. She is back in her home country and is happy to be around her friends and family. So we are both coping fairly well it appears. But at times it is certainly difficult.

[Freyja]

Hi, my boyfriend left for a different continent 2 weeks ago. He had a very difficult time adapting for the first week or so, and consequently was calling me all the time and very expressive about his feelings for me and the fact he missed me and so on.

During this time I was coping pretty much ok and missed him, but was not too bad. Now I'm starting to find it harder and missing him much more, and this is coinciding with him feeling better and having more fun over there (also probably connected to that!)

Anyway, as he's feeling happier, his calls and contact have become less, (but he still gets in touch a lot and hasn't changed in what he says or how he feels). When he was having a hard time I was there all the time for him. Now it's the other way round and I feel he's not doing the same thing.

My question is... I've told him that I'm not doing so well, should I back off a bit with getting in touch, or should I explain that I feel he's not there for me in the same way and ask him for more?

I don't really want to rock the boat in a situation that's already hard!

 

Hi ZGT1503,

 

Awww I really feel for you hun. Me and my fiance have been together for 4 yrs but over the last 18 months he had to move into another city(3 hrs away from me) for work. You know its funny but we always have this problem of one feeling too attached at the beginning and the other a week later or so. Everytime we meet up and its like 4 days in every month, normally I'd go to see him and then when I leave omg for few days I go absolutely crazy over him. He responds to me, but not as affexctionately as he normally would. Then after I'm settled down, 2 weeks later it kicks into him and he's the one contacting me several times a day. You see, as people we're just different in handling our emotions and situations and we work on different levels. For him to cope at the beginning when I leave he feels like he must withdraw from me or he becomes really emotional and feels too stressed. As for me if i withdraw at the beginning I feel like I'm becoming totally dettached from him. I guess cause I've been through this for the past 18 months I'm adjusted to it now. So at first I'll go crazy, then its him and we just laugh it off really. I think it comes down to trust and security aswell, 'cause we both know this is our way of handling this situation, so we just quietly let the other get rid of all the frustration at their own specified time.

 

You know, just tell him you miss him. Sometimes cause of the distance I think what we want is just reassurance. Tell him you love him and trust him, but you just want some comforting words from him. After each of my visits when I'm really down, all that I really want is a few sweet reassuring words from my fiance, just to tell me it's gonna be ok.

 

Anyways hope it goes well for you, good luck!

[Milo]

Some very good observations, Freyja. Very interesting how you and your boyfriend are on somewhat different time schedules for the emotions, but they are still predictable.

[Freyja]

Thanks Milo. I think I've only understood this cycle of our behaviour because it has been going on for a while. I must say at the beginning I used to get quite upset. Especially when I'm seeking out for emotional support and all he can say is he loves me and thats it. I guess after few months of stress I decided to let him do his thing and funny enough only after then did he come and tell me why he reacts like this. I mean I know he loves me after a week or so, hes normal... but I did feel upset that he wasnt feeling for me the same way I did at the same time. Although when he explained himself to me, I couldn't really find a reason to disagree, its just the way he is.

 

Another thing that helped me understand was that book by John Gray, 'Men are form Mars, Women are from Venus', this book is really good. I mean I don't encounter that many problems with my partner but its good to get a different perspective on the dynamics of behaviour of the different sexes. I'd recommend the OP to read it, it might help to understand why he withdraws himself sometimes.

 

Anyways now I know better and I'm happy with it. I'll be moving in with him in 2 months, so it's all good!

[Milo]

Anyways now I know better and I'm happy with it. I'll be moving in with him in 2 months, so it's all good!

 

Glad to hear! The end of the wait approaches.

[ZGT1503]

Hi guys, thanks so much for your words of advice. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who experiences this.

Freyja, you are right when you say that all you want is a few words of reassurance to say that everything's going to be ok! Over the weekend I explained to my boyfriend how I feel and I think he understands. He says he feels exactly the same as he always has about me, is even missing me more, but I think sometimes I just need him to repeat it to reassure me. We also agreed that a lot of the problem is the time difference - whenever we DO speak one of us has either been asleep, or is at work or out in a bar or something, so we have agreed to set aside a time 2 or 3 times a week where we are both at home and can have a proper conversation.

Anyway, it is good to hear that you can have this difference in emotional reactions, yet still make it work. Just understanding the other person I guess...

Thanks for your observations both of you (and guess what - yesterday I bought that Men are from Mars book - before I read your post! Coincidence!!)

[Freyja]

Hey ZGT1503, I'm glad you've sorted out some problems. Its all really down to communication and understanding, you know! You've got to tell him what you feel and vice versa.

 

Its good you've set a certain time for your calls, I guess you need to do that as you live in different continents and its not always possible to call and speak for a few mins, also it could give you long bills!! I guess you're going down the right direction.

 

That book is pretty good, I mean I don't agree with all his theories but some of it is really true. I hope you enjoy reading it and it helps you grasp a better understanding of your reality.

 

Milo, I'm happy. Its really nice to look forward to living with him especially after waiting for 18 months!

[ZGT1503]

Thanks - and congratulations to you for holding out for so long and making it work!

Hope it all goes smoothly for you when you move in together.

[Freyja]

Thanks ZGT1503! Don't know how each days gone, seemed like forever before, but now its real close.

 

Looking forward to my new challenges of living with him now!

[Milo]

Just a few words of encouragement from you SO sure does go a long way. It's difficult to stay upbeat about the relationship sometimes. I find myself driving home from work just completely sullen thinking about the future. I don't know what's going to happen sometimes. But you keep puting one foot in front of the other.

[ZGT1503]

Milo, how much longer do you have to do this LDR thing? Is the end in sight?

I'm finding it hard to sustain the level of closeness in the relationship, which of course is normal, but he seems to be less worried about this. I guess it's just getting the balance.

It's reassuring to know that we all have those moments of feeling sullen and wondering what's going to happen.

Hope you haven't got much longer!

[Freyja]

I guess the few words are everything to the relationship then Milo, I mean while being far from each other, the only way to feel close is by communicating and listening to their words, its not like we can go and show affection physically or even by our body language! No wonder the words are held onto like something really precious.

 

We all have now sudden worries, I think thats normal. Also, I've realised that while I'm with my fiance I never think like that, its only when we're apart that sometimes these silly thoughts crawl into my mind.

 

Anyhow, I wish you both good luck!

[Milo]

Milo, how much longer do you have to do this LDR thing? Is the end in sight?

 

I just called her today and it looks like I can move there sooner than later. I'll be moving to a European country where English is not the primary language, so lots of challenges for me.

 

I'm finding it hard to sustain the level of closeness in the relationship, which of course is normal, but he seems to be less worried about this. I guess it's just getting the balance.

It's reassuring to know that we all have those moments of feeling sullen and wondering what's going to happen.

 

I still go through those days. But I've gotten more used to not feeling as close, simply because I got weary of feeling bad all of the time. What bothers me is when you hope to have a close phone call and they are annoyed by something else and it ruins the tone of the call. ha ha ha. Eh, I just listened patiently.

 

Hope you haven't got much longer!

 

Thanks!

[ZGT1503]

Just as a final word, I have to wish you good luck with the move to a non-English-speaking country. I'll be doing exactly the same thing in a few months, and it adds a bit more apprehension to what is already a big move!

Anyway, good advice from you both - thanks, and I'm taking it all into account as I go on... it seems to be working!

[Milo]

Just as a final word, I have to wish you good luck with the move to a non-English-speaking country. I'll be doing exactly the same thing in a few months, and it adds a bit more apprehension to what is already a big move!

 

Well, let's keep posting to the forum after the move to keep up on things.

[ZGT1503]

Yes, good idea, will do...

Thanks for all the words of support as well!

[Milo]

Hey zgt,

 

I got an e-mail from my wife and it seems she is looking for apartments to buy even more seriously than before. She can't wait to get out of her parents' tiny apartment. We probably have enough money to go ahead and buy one place right now. So hopefully it will check out on the walkthrough and inspection. Crossing my fingers! In any case, there's a possible other living situation we need to talk about this weekend. So the wait might soon be over, but then the adventure living abroad begins. Wow.

[ZGT1503]

Hey Milo, that's great news. Crossing my fingers for you too, that the inspection works out fine. In any case, it sounds like you will soon be putting an end to the LD part of the relationship...

 

Do you speak the language of the country you're moving to?

I'm also counting down the days until I go. I booked my flight for the start of February so it's not much longer now.

 

But I'm pretty nervous since I don't know anyone there and still have to find a job - do you have this stuff sorted out or will you just start from scratch when you arrive?

 

Congrats anyway, it's nice to hear of things working out on this forum!

[Milo]

No, I don't currently speak the language and teaching myself from books and tapes has been very difficult. I'll be taking classes right off the plane. No job lined up yet either, but since I am married a work permit should be easy. I plan to live off of savings for several months, so working late here in the States is the current plan. Luckily, my job offers a lot of overtime!

[ZGT1503]

I guess the language thing is hard, although in most places they understand English enough to get by until you're more practised...

 

Luckily I speak German (I'm moving to German part of Switzerland) and I'm from the UK so getting a visa shouldn't be too hard, but the visa depends on the job - which I don't yet have either.

 

Anyway, these are all the things that make life exciting!

 

And by the way, I have adjusted pretty well to the LDR thing now. I had to step back and do what you said you did. (ie - you got used to not feeling as close, simply because you got weary of feeling bad all of the time.) That's key to the whole thing I think. You just have to adapt rather than trying to recreate what you had when you were together. And it's going really quite well so far!