Finally got my second chance!

[J dub]

youre allowing her to get to you, get your head out of the damn hole and most of all, take her off your buddy list so youre not tempted to look at her profile for one thing. Second, erase all of her out of your phones, myspace, all of that. The less you see of her, the less it'll get to you so much. Youre literally torturing yourself and you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

As for the people being a turn off for you, its because you have a negative state of mind right now and no one wants a new friend whos in miserable land all the time. You are ruining your own life and the only one who has the ability to fix it is yourself. All we can do is make suggestions on how. And we're telling you everything you need to know.

[iheartyou]

i've been reading about that dude's situation. i'm in a similar situation myself. i have tried everything to win him back because i think there is just something in him that tells him to take me back, but it just seems as if he has his mind set. i think i will give up in a week.

 

but that was hilarious when you guys have been giving that dude the NC advice and then he sends flowers just like that. haha

[J dub]

but that was hilarious when you guys have been giving that dude the NC advice and then he sends flowers just like that. haha

 

Yep, thats desperation for ya.

[AltplanB]

thanks. rich kids are weak...what can i say.

[CaliGuy]

Yep, thats desperation for ya.

 

And to someone who has pulled away from you they can smell it and to them, it's seemed as pathetic.

[Dmeech]

buddy, I’m 20, same exact thing just happened to me 3 weeks ago. The girl that i dated for 4.5 yrs wanted to take a break to "think about things." So I agreed, but as we talked more, turned out she had a new friend, whom she liked.

 

Basically I was dumped for another guy because she didn’t feel loved, her feeling changed blah blah blah just her excuses to make me seem like the bad guy and make her feel good about the break up. I was so depressed for the last 3 weeks, I couldn’t sleep, didn’t eat, lost 15lbs etc. Like you, I was not attracted to any other girl on campus and had very high standards because she was beautiful. I felt like she was the one. We were making plans about getting married after college. Well, we lasted through 2.5 yrs of me at UC Davis and her 1.5 yrs at Sac State fine. But all of a sudden she met this Football player from Sac State. She met him on a Monday, and broke up with me on Friday of that same week. I was not suspecting it at all. I kept hoping that she would change her mind because she barely knew the guy but she didn’t. They started dating the next week.

 

I tortured myself for 3 weeks, I'd text her and call her, I'd try to make her jealous by acting happy and that things were fine for me without her but none of that worked. She would give me false hope... she would say "oh I still love you more than any other person in the world" "I am not happy right now" "I am confused" all this while dating this guy. (she also never told me that it was OVER even though her actions spoke for her I still hoped that she would take me back) This gave me hope, I clung to her.

 

But then I started thinking, If she still loved me, wouldn’t she be with me and not with a guy who she knew for 1 week? If she wasn't happy with him, wouldn’t she come back to me? It was all false hopes. So finally at the end of the 3rd week I couldn't take it anymore, I took all her stuff out of my room and returned all her things to her. I sat down with her at a coffee shop and basically gave her an ultimatum. I told her that if she wanted to be with me, my heart was still open to her even though she did damage to it already. I promised her things would be different. But if she refused, then that was that.

 

She basically told me that she was in a relationship and wanted to be with that guy. I finally got her to say "It is over between us." That gave me GREAT GREAT closure. Now I truly feel that I lost her and that there is NOTHING that I can do to get her back. I need to move on because thinking about her is very very very destructive to me physically and mentally. During those 3 weeks of "hope" to get her back I tried to meet other girls, I met 6 different girls and tried to hang out with them but all refused because of the state I was in. Everything people have said here on the forum is TRUE, things happened to me in the exact same way as they did to people here on the forum.

 

Just like you, my whole world was focused on her. And when she left, I had nobody. I felt very very alone. But I forced myself to change, I went out, I met people. Made some new buddies to hang out with, to get me back to my regular self. Once your back to your normal self, girls will come flocking. Why do you think there are so many couples at Universities? Its because there is someone out there for everyone. It’s just a matter of meeting them. If you sit at hope and mope all day and not go out and try then you have less chances of meeting that next special someone.

I know it is hard in a University where anywhere you look you see couples holding hands, kissing etc. But there are also plenty of other single, hot, smart girls out there. You just gotta get into the right mindset and go look for them.

 

Just give it time. Don’t call her, don’t see her, don’t answer her phone calls because they are all false hopes. Do not even hope that she will come back to you in the future. Would you really want to date a girl that you know slept with your ex friends? I sure as hell wouldn’t take my ex back because she probably had sex with this guy by now. Just don’t let it get to you man. Your days will brighten up, soon enough you’ll make friends and start meeting interesting girls. You’ll find love don’t trip. This whole thing is part of life and I’m sure EVERYONE has to go through this at least once.

[AltplanB]

finally someone that speaks in my language. Dmeech i take your words to heart. thank you

[CaliGuy]

finally someone that speaks in my language. Dmeech i take your words to heart. thank you

 

Huh? We've been telling you the same thing for the last week. We've all been there, done that. But you didn't want to listen to any of us.

 

Hopefully you're over her but if you read back through the messages you'll see we've been saying the same thing all along.

[Art_Critic]

finally someone that speaks in my language. Dmeech i take your words to heart. thank you

 

Dmeech said the same thing that all the posters on this thread have said..

 

What language are you speaking about ?

[Ian7]

We're you still friends when you broke up? How much did you talk over that 5 months? What do you think you did to make her see the light??? We're you a doormat? Did you give too much? What happened to cause the breakup and why do you think she came around?!

 

Did we get an answer to the above?? I'm interested to hear also.

 

I've been broke up from my girl for 2 months now - we're still very close but i have been doing the NC thing as much as possible. But we broke up cos she felt she couldnt give me what i deserved as she has her head buried in her degree course at the moment and is causing her major stress. There was no anomosity at all and there is noone else involved.

 

She said that she would be with me if her course finished tomorrow and doesnt want anyone else but me. (sounds daft i know)

 

The only contact we had was 3 weeks after the split to discuss, and we ended up spending the night together. Since then the only contact has been the odd text message - 1 initiated by me and 2 by her. But i am determined to stick to the NC from now on.

 

I want to remain close to her incase she needs me but i dont want to come over all clingy, and i equally want to get on with my life in the liklihood that she does not change her mind.

 

Advice appreciated

[Dmeech]

Ian7, college course in the way is BS. She does not spend all day on schoolwork, and goes straight to bed....

 

On the other hand I know a girl who went through a mutual break up with a guy after a year of dating because she was too focused on school. But this girl jsut turned 20 and already drafted out business plans to start her own business right after college. Beautifull girl, but pushes herself too much.

 

Either of the 2 could be the case, thats for you to judge. Was she always stressed about school work when you were dating or did this just happen?

[Dmeech]

Dmeech said the same thing that all the posters on this thread have said..

 

What language are you speaking about ?

 

Maybe its because I'm going through the exact same thing in the exact same time frame of life as he is...... ?

[Dmeech]

AltPlanB, girls that do that are not worth it. Just like my ex is not worth it. Any girl who dumps a good guy to go out and f*ck around is no good. I'm happy this sh*t happened to me now and not after I married her. When my ex was with me, she was a "good" girl. Last time I talked to her she was telling me about how she was getting drunk and was being a "bad girl". More too her...... when she finally matures, she will regret making this decision for the rest of her life.....

 

It's all gona be fine AltPlanB. What goes around, comes around!!!!!!!!

[Ian7]

Was she always stressed about school work when you were dating or did this just happen?

 

Thanks for the reply Dmeech.

I know what your saying and believe me i'm not naive enough to have not thought about it. Thing is i do trust her honesty and looking back at the back end of last term she was getting really stressed about her studies (we had only been together a few months) and she was worrying about everything and talked about dropping out.

Then summer came and she was working full time for 3 1/2 months without any study worries and we enjoyed a perfect relationship. She used to get tearful however as the end of the summer appraoched as i think she knew what she was going back to and knew it was going to be different.

When term started again she had to move back out and obviously her feelings changed.

She's not a party girl and doesnt have many close friends there so i dont think her head as been turned, and it happened so quickly after starting back at School.

[AltplanB]

you guys were all right but Dmeech seems to of gone through the exact same thing. I realize now that she will regret her decision as she keeps messaging me with "how are you doing.." and "talk to you soon" but i am not replying. I'm not waiting for her to come around anymore. Now i am just waiting for the next girl. I still struggle with her being with someone else though. I also struggle with the obvious lies she told me about being in love and me being so wonderful. Its terrible to realize that everythings a lie. Its terrible to have to start over, even if it is a chance at a fresh new start with a fresh new look. Unfortunately, i can't get over the bitterness and the contempt. I know how i should feel and because i can't attain that feeling, i get even angrier at myself.

 

I go day to day, trying so hard to find something to make myself feel better and all i find is more stress and more depression. thanks for your support

[CaliGuy]

A man seeing his ex with another fella may trigger jealousy in a way that'll have him back, but girls are different.

 

JDub, I usually agree with everything you say but I respectfully disagree here. Some women may not get jealous, more than likely in cases where they don't really care about the ex. Heck, some might even be glad the Ex has someone else so they will leave them alone.

 

But I do believe when deep down there are still some feelings there, women can get just as jealous as men do. Some go to extreme lengths (baseball bat ring a bell??). It all depends on if they have some inking of feelings. If there's no feelings for a woman at all in a man, they might not get jealous either.

 

I've never been jealous of the guys my ex has picked over me. I have enough confidence in myself to know I not only deserve better than her but I will find someone better. It's just a matter of time.

[grace2005]

I don't care who my previous exs are seeing. I'm not jealous of their new boyfriends. Don't care either way. If anything I might feel sorry for some of them; they don't know what they're letting themselves in for. But rest assured whoever is dating any of my previous exs it's their problem now not mine anymore. After a break up I'm no longer in their jurisdiction anymore. That's how I see it

[J dub]

JDub, I usually agree with everything you say but I respectfully disagree here. Some women may not get jealous, more than likely in cases where they don't really care about the ex. Heck, some might even be glad the Ex has someone else so they will leave them alone.

 

I guess what I was getting at was, usually when a woman moves on, it's been a long time coming. She doesnt just DO it. She's already over the person (again, usually). Men, on the other hand, often go to another woman in hopes of getting over the original...There are of course situations where this wont apply, and she is in fact still in love (albeit even partially) with the first guy. In that case, sure I could see how she'd get the jealousy -- for sure.

 

IMO, women and men can both be equally jealous but its purely circumstantial. Youre right though CG, I was being too one-sided with that comment. Excellent point.

 

[CaliGuy]

I guess what I was getting at was, usually when a woman moves on, it's been a long time coming. She doesnt just DO it. She's already over the person (again, usually). Men, on the other hand, often go to another woman in hopes of getting over the original...There are of course situations where this wont apply, and she is in fact still in love (albeit even partially) with the first guy. In that case, sure I could see how she'd get the jealousy -- for sure.

 

IMO, women and men can both be equally jealous but its purely circumstantial. Youre right though CG, I was being too one-sided with that comment. Excellent point.

 

No worries. I completely agree with you there. My ex had her mind made up and moved on long before I had. Now she's with someone else and I doubt I pop into her mind for some time to come, usually when her current relationship fails. I no longer think about getting her back and don't harbor any jealousy. I just want to be with someone who loves and cares about me as much as I do her.

[J dub]

I no longer think about getting her back and don't harbor any jealousy. I just want to be with someone who loves and cares about me as much as I do her.

Acceptance...isnt it a great feeling? Its like all the demons have finally left your side and the guilt and pain has been lifted. You finally forgive yourself, god that feeling is wonderful .

 

You will find someone CG...not that I need to reassure you but you are so intelligent and youre not allowing yourself to be a doormat. Women respect that and admire men who are strong. Being able to recognize that you deserve more than the crumbs your ex threw at you is probably the most liberating feeling ever. You have come a loooooong way from where you started

[CaliGuy]

Acceptance...isnt it a great feeling? Its like all the demons have finally left your side and the guilt and pain has been lifted. You finally forgive yourself, god that feeling is wonderful .

 

Yes it is. I could actually feel my feelings for her drain from my body when the indifference she had been showing me settled into my brain. She didn't want me, she was cold and she treated me like second rate furniture. I told her right to her face "I deserve better than you."

 

You will find someone CG...not that I need to reassure you but you are so intelligent and youre not allowing yourself to be a doormat. Women respect that and admire men who are strong. Being able to recognize that you deserve more than the crumbs your ex threw at you is probably the most liberating feeling ever. You have come a loooooong way from where you started

 

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. I truly want to be with someone but realize that I need to take my time and not rush things. I made the mistake with her and it was costly. I don't have to have someone in my life, i just want someone. I'll be fine.

 

JDub, I like you.

[J dub]

>I told her right to her face "I deserve better than you."

 

I'd be willing to bet there are about 9384232 people on LS who would have LOVED to say that to their ex. I know there have been times I wish I'd have said it to some of mine. Good work

 

>I don't have to have someone in my life, i just want someone.

 

Its key to realize that life goes on without them. I think you are a great example for a lot of people here to take notes from. And, what they say is true, you find someone when youre not looking

 

>JDub, I like you.

 

Thanks CG, I like you too that means a lot to me considering I have been on the recipient end of some slandering recently. Its unfortunate when someone is too hard-headed to admit their own faults...but thats an entirely different thread

 

I'm just glad its FRIIIIIDAYYY!!!!

[CaliGuy]

You deserve the compliment. You're advice is usually right on target and sensible. I'm not used to that being the ex was completely irrational.

 

Seriously, there are some great people here on LS. Too bad they don't let you do any dating here. I've seen a few lookers that caught my fancy, haha

[J dub]

>Too bad they don't let you do any dating here.

 

I didnt catch that part in my contract ..must've missed it

[Dmeech]

J dub, your a female? It is interesting to see a female making comments to us guys here about moving on and finding a better person. Nice to have this forum though, because us guys do not usually like to share our problems and how we feel with others. I'm starting to realize that some of my friends are starting to get bored when I keep talking about how my ex did me wrong. Nice to have a forum where people are really supportive.