How do I hint at a proposal?

[bomburdoo]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over four years. We have discussed marriage before and we know that we both want to be married to each other. I'm just waiting for him to ask, and he's not doing it. He is also really dense when it comes to giving gifts. Every birthday/holiday/anniversary, he falls short and doesn't get anything. So, every birthday/holiday/anniversary I think he is going to propose becasue he doesn't really talk about it beforehand. I think there must be something really good coming, and then the opposite happens and he doesn't get me anything.

 

On my last birthday, last spring, I thought this because we were looking for a house together, what better time, right? Then the day came and he didn't get me anything. So, I was very upset and I told him that I thought he was going to propose. He said he didn't feel like it was the right time. Looking back, I can understand that. Now, our lives have changed and we have moved across the country. We are out on our own, we are living together and we just had our fourth anniversary. Again, I thought he would propose, what better time, right? Again, I get nothing. So, we had a big fight about how he never gets me gifts on special occassions. He said he can't think of anything to get me. He claims not to remember the fight we had on my birthday about getting married. Because to me that would be a perfectly fine gift.

 

So, now Christmas is rolling around. I don't want to be obvious about it, because I don't want to make him feel pressured, but I do want to drop a hint or two so he might have a clue this time around. I'm usually not the kind of girl to talk about weddings and the like, I'm too cyncial. So, any ideas on trying to subtlely get through a think skull??

[Outcast]

Nope. And would you want to anyway? Don't you want the impulse to come from him wholly? If you 'hint' too much, he may feel pressured, marry you because of it, and resent you.

 

Bide your time. He'll probably do it on a Tuesday in March just because he feels like it then.

[slubberdegullion]

Ah, the gritty reality of unrealized expectations.

 

Aside from the situation whereby you're expecting something but you haven't told him - which, of course, puts him in an impossible position because he doesn't really know about this expectation - why do you actually want to get married? I mean, specifically, what is it about the state of matrimony that is so different from your current living situation?

 

And what's the big deal about gifts? You've bought a house... how can he possibly top that?

[Lil Honey]

What is his family like? Does his dad get his mom gifts? Are you friendly enough with his mom (and close enough in proximity) to ask her to help him shop for you? Maybe he thinks about getting you something, but none of the hammers at Sears look like your style.

 

He might also be the type of guy who can't/won't think of things on his own. He might need a list of things you'd like. He might need you to say, "I'd love for you to make reservations at Such-and-Such restaurant for my b'day." You might not get a gift, but you'd still get a night out (which can be better than a hammer for a gift).

 

I think that you need to have a talk with him and tell him that you feel left out when he gets you nothing. (Even a carnation is . . . what . . . less than $2?)

 

Like the others said, I'd stop thinking about the proposal. Let him do it in his own time. You just don't know . . . he could be planning something really special that he needs to prepare for or save for. Or he just needs to feel confident in the timing.

[slubberdegullion]

...which can be better than a hammer for a gift

Tools, especially power tools, are always a good gift!

[Lil Honey]

Toys, especially power toys, are always a good gift!

[slubberdegullion]

Nonononono... TOOLS, not TOYS..

 

wait a sec... come to think of it...

[Tamrick]

I disagree that gyus should be left alone to propose. They seem to need reminding that there is such an option as marriage - particularly if you are living together, Needless to say though, you have already suggested it, so its not as if he is clueless. After four years, I'd say you need to ask him if he will ever consider marriage and if so when - then when you get a reply you can leave it alone after that. Why should you have to just sit around and wait for him when you could go after another guy if he is going to refuse to marry at all? You deserve an answer.

[bab]

So, there is a difference between badgering and talking. I used to think that the guy should come to the conclusion that he wants to marry you and propose on his own time. When that didn't happen for me, we started talking about it more openly. And I gotta say, that is definitely the way to go. I mean, marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire life. Don't you think it should be discussed??? When you say yes, don't you want to fully understand that you are on the same page about what you are agreeing to? What if his expectations of marriage are totally different than yours? Don't hint, talk.

 

Also, if it's any consolation, I'm "required" by my fiance to give him a heads up at least 2 weeks before any important date, i.e. my birthday, our anniversary, and I always have to give him a written list of things I might want. I had a hard time with this at first, but I've gotten used to to it. Besides, with the pressure off him, he has been more creative in suprising me ocassionally. But don't be fooled, I stress the word occassionally.

[RecordProducer]

I believe that if marriage doesn't happen after a certain amount of time, like 5 years, men actually start re-evaluating the relationship and are not sure anymore if they want to be married to this particular woman or not. This happens because the initial sparkle naturally starts fading after a few years and they are more eager to fall in love again than work on an existing relationship. In reality, you can't expect to fall in love every 5 years for the rest of your life. So I think people are more sure they want to get married after being together for 1-2 years than 4-5 years.

 

What works best is the fear that he could lose you. A job offer in another state, other guys interested in you or making plans for your life without him might make him think that you're not going to wait forever. Don't push him or give him an ultimatum. That will only make him back off.

 

If he doesn't propose even after one year of living together, just tell him that you are moving out as you don't see that your relationship is moving forward. If he lets you move out then move out. He'll come around when he's ready to marry you.

 

The point of moving out is to stop him from getting the milk without buying the cow. And I don't mean sex by "milk," but rather all the wife-type of privilleges he is receiving from you by living with you, such as your company, friendship, cost and house chore sharing, etc.

 

I have a friend who was in a relationship for 8 years. They were living together for the last few years and he dumped her for another girl. He went for the other girl's money and married her almost right away. Now my friend is 32 and single. I am sure she regrets the time she wasted on this guy. When he wanted to marry her a few years ago, she wanted to wait some more; then he cooled off.

 

Age and life stage have also a lot to do with the decision to get married. If you're both like 23 and just graduated from college, it's certainly different than if you're in your 30s.