I Understand My Ex-Bf's Actions...he's addicted to pills

[Just Visiting]

Hi everyone...I did something this morning that I thought I wouldn't do for some time down the road. I emailed my ex of 2.5 months and told him that I understand why he withdrew and behaved the way he did before the break-up.

 

Since the early 90s, my ex has dealt with addiction in various forms (cocaine, marijuana, smoking, codeine and sleeping pills). He was able to kick the coke and pot before we became involved. He was smoking when we first met but gave it up a couple of months later. About three months into the relationship, he came to me one night and confessed about his 10 year addiction to tylenol/codeine & Zoplicone sleeping pills. I was shocked and hurt, but I remained in the relationship, I was already in love and not ready to leave him. As the months went by, I trusted that he was doing everything to keep clean and not hide things.

 

Around the beginning of August up to mid-September, my ex became withdrawn, moody, saying he wanted space. It was like my mere presence was pissing him off. I was devastated, I am not the type to push myself onto someone if they are not sure what they want. I was going through some family tragedies at the time, so him withdrawing made it even worse.

 

Since mid-September, I have been trying to come to terms with what happened between us. I found out by moving my things out that he went back to his pill habit, I was so sad and disappointed. Overall, we had a very good relationship and had so many similarities. I was ready to fight for us but he wanted to be alone for awhile. He spoke of wanting to talk and sort it out later. Looking back, I see that we both jumped into it too fast and smothered each other.

 

This is the clincher, this is what really made me understand his actions, even though they hurt me ALOT. For the past five years, I have developed a gambling habit. I find that every 1.5 to 2 years, it starts to become out of hand, I would scare myself and vow to smarten up. The past six months, I have noticed that it has become more addictive, more compulsive. Yesterday, I was so ashamed, so distraught over my situation. I have decided to seek treatment and start facing that demon. While in my feelings of despair, I can see why my ex would push me away. How can I have a relationship with someone when I treat myself in such a crappy fashion. Why would someone want to love me knowing that this has power over me?

 

Being addicted to something is an ugly disease. It has to do with more than willpower. When I was with my ex, I would judge and police him, and yet not willing to admit my own problem. Now that I have admitted that I am not only a compulsive gambler, but an enabler as well. I can relate to his actions and way of thinking. Here is a copy of the email I sent him this morning:

 

For the past while, I have been doing alot of reflecting, searching, and praying. Ryan, I have learned alot about how I see myself, and how I have treated myself. I want you to know that I understand why things turned out the way they did for us. We are so much alike, it's scary. We have experienced alot of the same things in our past, and tend to think the same way. I know why you pushed me away, we were so excited about everything, that we spent every moment we could together, it smothered us. I just throw myself into it, even though I knew it wasn't healthy in the long run.

 

I realize that it is hard to have a close relationship when your in the midst of an addiction. I never told you but gambling has been a habit for me. Looking now, I inherited it from my family. It is such an awful disease, and I feel hypocritical for throwing your stuff back at you. I was in total denial of my own, and I finally admitted that I have a problem as well. I had to humble myself and it was difficult. I know I am not a bad person and that I am not alone. You too. So I understand the not wanting to be responsibile for another person. Not wanting them to see. It can be too much to bear at times. There are a lot of feelings of guilt and shame that come with it. And yet, you want someone in your life, so it's a tug of war inside. And yet you find yourself running to whatever to get rid of that tug-of-war. That's how I see it anyways.

 

This is not to gain sympathy but I just wanted you to know that I understand your side. No matter what the substance or activity, the feelings are the same for everyone. And I know we both played a part in the breakdown. There were side issues as well. I have been very hurt and angry and been wanting space to resolve them. I accept the fact that this disease will always be there in each of us, no matter what happens. Our people have been through so much over the past decades, and this is the end result. It still plays a part in this generation. Again, I just want you to know that I understand why you did what you did. And thank you, because it has made me wiser, stronger, and more aware. When I look at you....I see me. Kinda freaky.