Avoiding "Rich man's wife" Syndrome

[orangele]

I have had two recent relationships which have both followed similar patterns. In one case, I married the woman, and in the other I had a year and a half long relationship both being ended by me. I believe I have noticed a similar pattern in both relationships, and I want to avoid another cycle, but I am not sure how to. Both relationships ended due to what I will call Rich Man's Wife Syndrome. I would point out that this syndrome involves both the "Wife" and the Rich man.

 

What I mean by the Rich Mans' Wife Syndrome begins with an intital period in which the Rich man meets a woman. The woman is impressed with the Man's education, status, wealth (or whatever else this hypothetical man has to offer). In my case I will not say that I have anything except I am wealthy. The Rich Man utlizes his status, and income and enjoys impressing the woman, and takes her to expensive restaurants in expensive cars. He takes her to a beautiful home which is without the presence of a womans touch. The Rich man feels good that a young attractive woman would be interested in him since he basically considers himself average looking, and a simple man. As the romance continues, he takes her to wonderful places in the world where they stay in luxurious hotels, and enjoy the spoils of wealth.

 

Eventually the woman moves in to live with the Man in his beautiful home. There is maid service, a landscaper, a pool man who cares for the house since the Man has no one else to do such things before the woman moves in. Things go smoothly until one day the woman has a problem at work and quits or is fired, or doesnt have a job in the first place.

 

Despite encouragement from the Rich Man for the Wife to get another job, the Wife enjoys living a life of leisure. The Rich Man pays for all of the wifes expenses, gives her ample spending money, continues to take her to expensive restaurants, and exotic trips.

 

Now the trouble starts since the simple Rich Man was always raised where the Dad worked and the Mom worked (either at a job or at home). Now the Rich Mans wife has become accustomed to staying at home with a maid, a landscaper, and a pool man. Since she no longer works, she has come to expect that she will be given money each week to go to the beauty salon, and the fancy clothes botiques. The Rich man becomes upset because the Rich Man actually does work quite hard for his wealth, and he comes home to find that the house is messier than before the woman moved in, there are dishes in the sink, and the Rich Mans Wife spends the day on the computer, watching TV, talking to her friends, or going shopping. Indeed when the Rich Man complains to the Wife that he completely supports her and her lifestyle, and requests that she help out with cleaning or other chores, he is told that she has sacrificed to be with him. The Rich Man does not buy this luxury and moves on.

[Outcast]

The solution should be obvious; don't attempt to woo women with the money, car, home, etc because all you'll end up with is a woman interested in you because of your money, car, home, etc.

 

Next time, let her get to know YOU.

 

young attractive woman would be interested in him

 

Well duh. Right. Because you have $ you figure you need a trophy on your arm, use the $ to get the trophy, and then complain because it's not a quality relationship.

 

I can't muster up a lot of sympathy for you, I'm afraid.

[Neptune]

You are describing a golddigger. Funny there should be another thread on this subject at the moment. Well, I hope it is evident to you that these women are in it ofr what they can get out of it. You are being used.

 

Now, I don`t have enough to attract a goldigger. Sort of glad I don`t. I really think that it would be difficult not being fooled by a beautiful young gal who knew how to pour it on thick. I have seen these gals in action quite a bit actually. But not working on me mind you.

 

It would be hard to keep from emotionally getting sucked in. Man, these gals got it going on. But the old saying love is blind but the neighbors ain`t is good here. And the hired help knows even more;)

[westernxer]

As the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

[JayKay]

To avoid Rich Man's Wife syndrome you need to meet women who are already financially established and who have ambitious careers.

 

In other words, you need to start meeting women who aren't so 'wow'ed' by your success.

 

There are women like that out there. I don't know where you usually meet your women, but I'd suggest you raise the bar a little.

 

Try using a dating service that caters to well-educated successful people. And screen carefully. Listen to how people talk. People who are passionate about non-material things generally don't give them up once they get married.

 

You may also find, if you date women like this, that you are not the center of their world -- this may be why you were attracted to young, impressionable, less-wordly types before. They tend to dote on you more because really....they don't have much else going on.

 

Women with passion and vision are busy. Of course they can be romantic and affectionate, but you may also find they are tied up some weekends, on the phone well into the evening hours or simply too busy to be at your beck and call sometimes.

 

So change your expectations and change your screening methods. Go for someone who is more like you....who has a good work ethic and some fire in their belly.

[NYCmitch25]

The Rich Man utlizes his status...

 

Is that because the Rich Man is insecure and too eageraly uses his material items to get him a lady? I guess you enjoy being doted over and feeling special? Seems strange for you to "not" be able to shield this aspect of your life from the women you date long enough to determine if they are sincere or not? Try picking her up in the classic GT40 or Porsche GT3 instead of the brand new Bentley or Rolls. I would think it would be possible to do what someone like Tiger Woods did; he found a lovely down to earth sincre girl who was also aware of his net worth as wlel. But I think it could be even easier if you get to know the person before introducing wealth into the equation.

 

I guess I'm suggesting you be a bit more "tromp loy" until you learn if this gal has similar upbringing and long term goals. When you catch the right gal, let her know the rules before marriage. So if you "need" a wife as servent who gets an allowance (ie. you are controlling or like to take care of people) let her know it but don't blame her for getting acustomed to it.

[beatlebob]

If you come across as Rich Showoff in an effort to get hot younger babes, you're going to get greedy hot b*tches. Act like a regular joe and don't flaunt your possessions or brag about your income.

 

Btw, you're not Donald Trump?

[MakeMeBeautiful]

I agree with Outcast. I don't have any sympathy for you. You want the young trophy wife and you complain that she expects you to support her. She is hot, young, and beautiful. She is trading all that for a life of luxury with an old, short, bald, rich guy. When you first started seeing her you drove her around in the expensive cars, took her to eat at expensive restaurants, and bought her expensive gifts. I wonder why she expects you to provide that. If you don't want to attract gold diggers, you shouldn't flash the bling.

[Gold Pile]

The trick is to attract her with the signs and talk of wealth (actually spending as little as possible)

She will start giving you sex to "secure you", but you never spend much money on anything....she eventually gives up and moves on.

 

Then (if ya don't have another one already) wait for the next golddigger.

Tell the new one about the loads of cash you spent making your "ex" happy.

[BrideToBe]

I'm the fiancee of a rich CEO, and I'm signifigantly younger than he is. I also don't work (I am a full-time student), and I don't have a lot of money, so financially, we are not on a level playing field. From the outside looking in, this is a classic case of Rich Man & Golddigger. But the reality is not so.

 

When I first dated my now-fiancee, he told me about his fear of losing the business and bankrupcy. He was not lying - he was genuinely afraid of this possibility. But I sort of misunderstood, so for a large time during our courtship, I thought he was on the verge of financial collapse!

 

He also didn't spend huge wads of cash on me. He knows I'm not wealthy and he is almost ALWAYS the one to pay - but he never went overboard, never flashed his wealth. That's always a sign of insecurity, and a quality woman is attracted to a self-confident man, not someone who seems to be overcompensating. When people ask my man what he does, he never says "I'm the CEO of a company" or "I employ x-number of people" - he says, "I work in distribution". He's modest because he's self-assured and is not trying to prove himself - and I love him for it. He doesn't drive a Porsche, though he could easily afford to. He wears the same stupid old jeans all the time and is all too happy to have a hot dog for dinner. He gives a lot to charity, but doesn't brag about it. He's a hero in my eyes, and it has nothing to do with how much he makes, and everything to do with how he carries himself.

 

He knew from when we first started dating that, although I may not bring home the bacon, I plan to work at raising children full-time when I'm married. I don't plan on sitting at home all day with the poolboy. I'm a busy girl now, and will always be that way.

 

Although I don't mind being pampered a bit, it'd be a turnoff if all we did was go to pricey steakhouses. My favourite thing is to hang out with him, just cuddle on the couch or go for a walk together. Besides, I'd lose my dignity if I spent day after day watching tv or shopping - with his money, especially!

 

So, find a self-respecting girl who is busy and involved in her life. Don't take her on exotic vacations till you're engaged or married. Don't buy into the public worship of Donald Trump: He has tons of money, but absolutely no class. Don't flash your wealth, because golddiggers can smell that kind of insecurity. If she's a girl who sits around and does nothing while you're dating, she'll sit around and do nothing when you're married.

 

But don't jump to the conclusion that she's a golddigger if she happens to be hot and young, and you're older and rich. If she understands you and loves being with you - no matter if you take her on cheap dates (mini golf, volunteering at a soup kitchen, the occasional burger joint), then she's probably a keeper. And if you have dignity, self-respect, modesty and self-confidence (and look for a girl with the same), then you're probably a keeper, too.

 

Good luck!

 

Shia

 

p.s., Read Paul Fussel's book, "Class: A guide to the american status system", about the huge difference between "classy" and "rich"... it's hilarious and too true.

[beentheretwo]

Bride to be. Let me start by saying that I do not believe that you are a gold digger. I believe that you and your fiancee are in love. I would like to play devils advocate, and propose that you still are in danger of the Rich Mans Wife Syndrome. Let me just pose some questions, and I am not suggesting an answer, only that your situation and the wealth of your fiancee puts you in this situation.

 

Firstly, I did not hear of any plans of you working once married. Most newlyweds like to have a least a year or so together before starting a family. Once you are married, and if you do not work, who will be responsible for all the housework? Shouldnt you do the majority if your CEO husband works hard and brings home the bacon. Once married, you husband loves you, he will want to pamper you to some degree, this is only natural, and it is oh so easy to get used to.

 

Once you have children, how should the household chores be shared? Likely once you have children, your CEO husband has the resources to hire a housekeeper to help you. Despite this, believe me, even with a housekeeper, there will be messes to clean up; whose responsibility is this. Will your CEO husband feel he is getting the raw end of the deal when he works full time, brings home mucho dinero, pays for a housekeeper to clean the house, and yet still has to clean when he gets home? Will you expect your husband to take over child care duties when he gets home from work? Will he feel again that this is not fair since you never went to work to help him.

 

Anyway just a few issues to ponder which were real issues for me, and are nice to have thought about or discussed with ones future mate.

 

I wish you the best in your future marriage!

[BrideToBe]

Thanks for your post, beenthere.

 

I do plan on being a full-time mom/wife in every respect (cooking, homemaking, child rearing) - especially since the hubby will be working to support the family. So no, I wouldn't expect him to clean or cook, though an occasional helping hand would be appreciated.

 

In the first 2-3 years that we're married (before kids), I'll still be finishing up my Bachelor's degree - I won't really be sitting at home doing nothing, so I expect the housework will be shared between a cleaning lady and myself.

And after the kids are grown up and in school, I'd like to work as well and bring home a little "bacon" myself. ;-)