jdesey Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 so I have been broken up with my ex fiance (she is 55 I am 57) for about 6 years with no contact. I am finally in a position to repay her what I owe her $$$. She says she wants no contact, I am sending money with no expectations. Does anyone have experience with this. I am doing the right thing here. Yes, I want her back. I was never able to give her what she needed as a man, I am better now. Is there a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 It's good that you are able to finally repay her what you owe. But please don't confuse doing the right thing with getting a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 23 minutes ago, jdesey said: 6 years with no contact. I am finally in a position to repay her what I owe her $$$. She says she wants no contact, I am sending money with no expectations. Sorry this is happening. 6 years is a long time. You're doing the right thing paying her back. However after this long, it's better to have no expectations because she has probably moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdesey Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 57 years old.. I make a ton of $$$, travel, etc.. I have everything I want.. but love. I was married for 17 years, had some relationships since then (15 years since divorce) but still alone. I hate this, feel like just giving up and getting a dog for companionship. Sure I have my kids but they are grown with their own young families. ARGHH... who else feels this way? any solutions? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Paying her back is certainly a good way to get your foot back in the door. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 You should absolutely get a dog. They make everything better and definitely make you get out and take the edge off of loneliness. You will need to ultimately find a partner who likes dogs though. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 1 hour ago, jdesey said: 57 years old.. I make a ton of $$$, travel, etc.. I could send you a dog (dont ask) perhaps, I dont know you sound a reasonable catch for plenty of young women out there seeking a more mature man who can give them a lot of the good things in life, positive energy my friend and your situation will change. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 Way back here you wrote that she broke up with you many times before finally making the decision permanent. This isn't what a good relationship looks like. Why do you want to go back to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 1 hour ago, jdesey said: 57 years old.. I make a ton of $$$, travel, etc.. I have everything I want.. Sorry this is happening. Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You can have fun meeting like-minded people you see regularly and make friends and talk to women. If you are depressed and ruminating, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You can also get a good profile and pics on quality Paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Paid apps tend to have more serious daters and better screening, filtering and matching tools as well as less scammers and escorts. The ratio of women is higher usually at least 50% on paid relationship focused dating apps. Sitting home alone pondering the past won't make you less lonely and there are things you can do to help that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 It's not easy to date when you aren't 20 or younger any more. What steps are you taking to meet someone? You really have to put in the effort not just swipe on some app Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 It's good that you are doing the honorable thing & paying he back after all this time. That is commendable. Whether she wants you back after all this time is unknowable. 6 years is a long time. You have both changed. You are not the same people you were. You may have grown in different directions. Pay her back with no expectations as you said. See what happens but if it doesn't click, drop it. You also haven't mentioned if you fixed or at least addressed all of the issues that led to the dysfunctional break up make up cycle and the final break up. She may not want to ride that roller coaster again. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 Pets are not the companions you need unless you find one that talks. Your best bet is to find a man through work contacts, networking. Or church, if you attend one. Or a charity event. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 You're trying to reconcile with a woman you've clearly been heavily in debt to? That's a very big hole for you to try to crawl out of, and I strongly suspect that the odds of success here are pretty small. First of all, forget the idea that you weren't "able to give her what she needed as a man". You were unable to give her the stability and sense of security she needed, and ability to do that is essential, not some abstract quality or virtue that can be conferred or granted. It's certainly something you NEED to offer to entice a woman into a relationship with you, but the integrity, honor and impulse control it takes to realistically build that isn't something many people possess, and it sounds as if you didn't have those qualities. It's great that you're paying her back. That's a very noble thing to do and the fact that you're doing it is something you should be proud of. You're doing the right thing and returning money that was owed to an ex shows maturity and accountability. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 (edited) Another nail in the coffin is that on this thread you said you were making $$$. In another thread, you said you are making LOADS of $$$. Truth is, you should have started paying her back in installments when you were earning $. Seven years to pay off a debt is appalling behaviour Edited January 6 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 On 1/4/2024 at 3:28 PM, jdesey said: She says she wants no contact, I am sending money with no expectations. If she wants no contact, please respect that. Please just send whatever you owe her but please don't expect anything or hope this manipulation will result in reconciliation. You can't buy or bribe love. However repaying debts is a step in the right direction as far as integrity and closing this chapter for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 I've been in your shoes. I was single 10 years after my divorce. It will not work until it does. The magic ingredient is *beleiving* it will happen to you eventually. You have to put yourself out there and keep an open mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 For me and for my friends (mid 50s and above), the key was being involved in a hobby/past time that we loved and that offered us a chance to socialize with a lot of people. We all naturally met partners with whom we had things in common without necessarily actively looking for someone. I realize not everyone has that opportunity, but give it some thought. Maybe there are opportunities for meeting new people that you haven't realized. Meeting someone special is much more likely when you are regularly out socializing. That's why younger people generally have an easier time dating - they are out and about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) On 1/5/2024 at 1:54 PM, jdesey said: any solutions? Yes If you have money, start traveling. Train to become a pilot? Learn to sail. Buy an RV and travel the country. If one thing I could do over it would be to travel 10 times more than I have. I've been all around the country and that's been the best thing for me. But I would have loved to live in a foreign country for at least a year. Soak up different cultures and ways of life. In plantations in India, on the beaches in Thailand, in Costa Rica and practicing my Spanish, Living in a small town in Italy, Eating exotic foods in Chinatown, Japan and Italy. Living in Brazil and mingling with the open friendly locals there. Bob Marley said it best "If traveling was for free, u would never see me again". That and read read read. Edited January 7 by Alpacalia 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 On 1/6/2024 at 7:54 AM, jdesey said: feel like just giving up and getting a dog for companionship Why is getting a dog considered "giving up"? Surely you could get a dog and still date (if you want to)? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 You would do well to build up platonic love with various friends and activities. One love relationship doesn't fill a whole in our lives. We fantasize that the one great love will solve our loneliness or aloneness problems. Just not true. I would say focus on experiencing more joy in your life right now (btw: I love the idea of getting a dog). And you'll inevitably meet a lot more people and exude much more attractive and positive energy. And you'll have high standards because you are already in s state of liking your life. Do you have any close women friends? Close guy friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 I have to punch in concerning getting a dog. A dog is a commitment of 14 years, an emotional, organizational, financial commitment. A dog needs *a lot* of sport and attention. You cannot spend your entire day at work then spend your nights out on dates. You will experience a lot of guilt when you go out for a couple of hours at night, believe me. Don't get a dog because you are lonely, get a dog because you love dogs & that life style, period. Yes it is a life style and not for everyone. I loved all of my dogs, they were a big part of my life and when they died it took me months to mourn them but I will not have another one. It was hard to date while owning a dog. Many people are allergic, did not like I had to rush home after work every day, we could not be spontaneous and go away last minute as finding dog sitting is challenging, weekends had to be at my place, not his, because of the dog, and so on. Think twice. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 On 1/7/2024 at 7:46 PM, Alpacalia said: But I would have loved to live in a foreign country for at least a year. Soak up different cultures and ways of life. In plantations in India, on the beaches in Thailand, in Costa Rica and practicing my Spanish, Living in a small town in Italy, Eating exotic foods in Chinatown, Japan and Italy. Living in Brazil and mingling with the open friendly locals there. Bob Marley said it best "If traveling was for free, u would never see me again". sounds good to me, Puedes hablar espanol mejor que Yo? Yes , I imagine! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) 20 hours ago, Gaeta said: A dog is a commitment of 14 years You will experience a lot of guilt when you go out for a couple of hours at night, believe me. Don't get a dog because you are lonely, get a dog because you love dogs & that life style, period. Yes it is a life style and not for everyone. I agree with the underlined (and I'd hope that the OP likes dogs, if they were considering getting one!), but why can't you go out for a couple of hours at night? A friend of mine has one, she sends it to doggy daycare when she's at work, and when she gets home from work at 5pm she'll take her dog for a walk, go to the dog park and play, feed the dog, etc. This all takes about an hour, and after that, she's free to go out for dinner, dates, etc. The prevailing wisdom where I live is that it's fine for a dog to be home alone for a couple of hours - they're not children. Edited January 9 by Els Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 5 minutes ago, Els said: I agree with the underlined (and I'd hope that the OP likes dogs, if they were considering getting one!), but why can't you go out for a couple of hours at night? A friend of mine has one, she sends it to doggy daycare when she's at work, and when she gets home from work at 5pm she'll take her dog for a walk, go to the dog park and play, feed the dog, etc. This all takes about an hour, and after that, she's free to go out for dinner, dates, etc. The prevailing wisdom where I live is that it's fine for a dog to be home alone for a couple of hours - they're not children. In your friend's case the dog goes to daycare so the dog is stimulated all day long. A dog that stays home alone all day for 8-10 hours (like mine) needs more than 1 hour interaction per day. Here dog daycare is $50/day for a 45lbs dog. That's a $1,000 a month. Not an option. I am not saying I never went out on a weekday night but when I did I was filled with guilt. I got home after work at 18h, quickly had a walk with him, then went out on a date, got back home at 22h and went to bed. That meant I had spent 1 hour with him over a period of almost 20 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: In your friend's case the dog goes to daycare so the dog is stimulated all day long. A dog that stays home alone all day for 8-10 hours (like mine) needs more than 1 hour interaction per day. Here dog daycare is $50/day for a 45lbs dog. That's a $1,000 a month. Not an option. I am not saying I never went out on a weekday night but when I did I was filled with guilt. I got home after work at 18h, quickly had a walk with him, then went out on a date, got back home at 22h and went to bed. That meant I had spent 1 hour with him over a period of almost 20 hours. Fair enough, however the OP apparently "makes a ton of $$$". $50 a day is typically the cost for casual daycare with no contract (here anyway), people who send their dogs in every weekday for a 3-6 month contract for instance usually pay only around $300-400 a month. Which isn't insignificant, but if the OP has a lot of disposable income, the cost is unlikely to be a factor. I agree that if people can't afford the daycare (and don't have anyone to petsit sometimes, or work from home, etc), it's probably a bad idea to have a dog and try to actively date at the same time. I also know a couple that met at a dog park, if that helps. Edited January 9 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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