Trying to cope with the Bachelor Party. Help.

[summer74]

Actual Thread is below.

[Devildog]

What is it that upsets you about it? Is it fear that maybe he enjoyed that kind of thing? Or is it that you feel he had something with this stripper he doesn't have with you? Maybe you feel she was more erotic than you can be? Perhaps you feel tame and straight-laced in comparison and that he will think of that wild night and you won't measure up?

 

If that is the case, then prove yourself. Do something brash, bold and highly erotic. Something that will make his jaw hit the floor with shock. Show him and yourself that you can be wild and exotic.

[summer74]

I made a mistake with this post. The actual post is below. I know no one falls in love with their stripper. I'm not jealous about that. I feel that there is something sacred about marriage and he's defiled it. I also feel humiliated that it was witnessed by so many people.

[summer74]

This is what happened. I was married in October and right before the wedding my husband's friends threw him a bachelor party. They told us that it was just going to be a big party with all his friends, but later it turned into a hotel room with a stripper. She was fully naked and grinding on him while he was directed to smear lotion all over her breasts and and lick whipped cream off her body. His friends bought him this type of lap dance 4 times. He was honest with me and told me all the details, but I'm so disgusted by the whole thing that I'm still very upset. I feel cheated on and so humiliated when I see his friends that witnessed the event. I know he's wishes it hadn't happened, but I'm still so angry. How do I let this go? It's so painful for me.

[Devildog]

Not sure if it makes a difference to you, but his behavior isn't abnormal regarding a bachelor party. It's an akward situation to be put in for guys really. It is your party, then how can you be the wet blanket? You end up at the mercy of the other people involved to a large extent. You can't turn down the drinks they buy you. You can't refuse a lap dance they have bought for you.

 

My bachelor party, I was brought up onstage at the strip club. I was stripped, whipped with my own belt. I had 3 strippers bouncing themselves on my face and grinding on my face. And I also whipped one with my belt too. It was harmless. I told my now XW about it too. Sure I got a bit of grief for it, mostly for having been completely stripped at the end by these girls.

[summer74]

How long was she mad at you for? We've been married for two months. I didn't bring it up at all on the honeymoon. Felt really upset about it for a week when we got back and I started feeling bad again yesterday. When does the hurt go away? My husband's getting tired of it.

[Devildog]

She wasn't really mad at me. It was more joking and teasing. I think she was madder at me for watching a hockey game while we were on her honeymoon. Hello, playoffs, Game 7, OT! Most thrilling and exciting spectacle in all of sports.

[summer74]

Yes, perhaps it would have been better if he came home tortured and bruised!

[swtanna05]

I don't think your husband has had an bad intentions. He was just being a guy. Yet, he could still remain faithful and loyal to you for the rest of your relationship.

[summer74]

Are there any married women out here who've had to deal with this and who can give me some advice? I love my husband and want to be able to move on and enjoy being married!

[cherriesred]

You know Devildog is right on the money!!

 

These aren't choices your husband would of choosen for himself ...he was at the mercy of his well meaning friends. Peer pressure doesn't stop because we have graduated from high school. The party was in his honor, one last wild boys night out....you should let it go...although it's easy to say....and remember that your husband choose you to spend his life with and that he isn't out getting lap dances every weekend because there are men -- married men at that who do. He came home and told you the truth and was honest about what happened, he didn't try to be sneaky about it or hide it from you....that alone should earn your trust.

 

Life is short....enjoy the bliss of new married life....don't let one night of boys being boys (which the actual incident proably only lasted a total of less than an hour) bring you misery. He loves you...remember your wedding day and the happiness and love you felt....and let it go.

 

 

(ps. my x-husband brother did far worse for him at his bachelor party...sometimes we all give into pressure...and sometimes we have to learn to forget)

 

Good Luck and Congratulations!!

[travellingman]

I've been married for awhile, and we've had our issues over the years. But even my sensitive wife laughs at what happened at my over-the-top bachelor party. Her unusually reasonable view is that the girls who were there probably moved on to 15 different guys the next night, and probably perform for hundreds, if not thousands, a year. They're entertainers, not sex partners. This is also my view about the naked guys her friends dialed up for her bachelorette party.

 

Let this one go.

[loony]

I can't really agree with anybody for letting this go. He either has very inconsiderate friends who have no clue about your husband and sincerely believed he would like this kind of show. Or they are kind of dumb and deliberately put him into a very unpleasant situation because they knew he wouldn't like it (he then should get rid of this kind of friends). Or they organized him something that he wanted.

 

In the first case I understand that your husband would have needed a lot of gut to say that this is not what he wanted and to get out of it.

 

In the second case I think it shouldn't be such a problem to tell people to get lost who don't respect your wishes with intention.

 

In the third case I would worry if this is really the kind of man I wanted to be married with. I personally just don't trust men who go to strip bars.

 

In general I also don't think it's a good idea to be with a man who has friends who hang out in strip bars or who organize parties with strippers. Strip bars seem to be places where Jerry Springer audience hangs around. Maybe this is an American thing, but in Europe it's way less common for people to go to strip bars, not if you're somewhat educated at least.

[travellingman]

Please, my wife even described what her strippers looked like in detail I'd rather not know. There are so many more important aspects to marriage. She occasionally still goes to friends' crazy bachelorette parties, and on the rare occassion I go to a strip club, I'll tell her I got a lap dance. You can't expect someone to suddenly become gay in the presence of the opposite sex because he or she is now wearing a ring.

[lilmoma1973]

Please, my wife even described what her strippers looked like in detail I'd rather not know. There are so many more important aspects to marriage. She occasionally still goes to friends' crazy bachelorette parties, and on the rare occassion I go to a strip club, I'll tell her I got a lap dance. You can't expect someone to suddenly become gay in the presence of the opposite sex because he or she is now wearing a ring.

 

If men and women want to live like that then fine then they shouldn't marry and should stay single !! When you take vows of marriage you promise to forsake all others!!

[travellingman]

If men and women want to live like that then fine then they shouldn't marry and should stay single !! When you take vows of marriage you promise to forsake all others!!

 

Stay single because you might want a lap dance from a total stranger who will be doing the same thing for someone else 2 minutes later? It is so unrealistic and silly to expect your spouse to suddenly stop noticing the opposite sex. "Look, Can't Touch" is a perfectly reasonable rule, and of all the marital problems friends have had, I don't know one who's wrecked something by going to a strip club.

[loony]

Please, my wife even described what her strippers looked like in detail I'd rather not know. There are so many more important aspects to marriage. She occasionally still goes to friends' crazy bachelorette parties, and on the rare occassion I go to a strip club, I'll tell her I got a lap dance. You can't expect someone to suddenly become gay in the presence of the opposite sex because he or she is now wearing a ring.

I don't know, I'm not really interested in seeing naked men that I don't know at all dangle their wiener in front of my nose.

[Hot Coco]

I can't really agree with anybody for letting this go. He either has very inconsiderate friends who have no clue about your husband and sincerely believed he would like this kind of show. Or they are kind of dumb and deliberately put him into a very unpleasant situation because they knew he wouldn't like it (he then should get rid of this kind of friends). Or they organized him something that he wanted.

 

In the first case I understand that your husband would have needed a lot of gut to say that this is not what he wanted and to get out of it.

 

In the second case I think it shouldn't be such a problem to tell people to get lost who don't respect your wishes with intention.

 

In the third case I would worry if this is really the kind of man I wanted to be married with. I personally just don't trust men who go to strip bars.

 

In general I also don't think it's a good idea to be with a man who has friends who hang out in strip bars or who organize parties with strippers. Strip bars seem to be places where Jerry Springer audience hangs around. Maybe this is an American thing, but in Europe it's way less common for people to go to strip bars, not if you're somewhat educated at least.

 

It may be an American thing, Loony. I'm in the US. And not to sound like a snob or anything but from what I've observed, it's USUALLY the lower class, uneducated people who engage in this type of ritual.

 

Let the bashing begin! But why bother? It's true. You don't usually find professional, educated men of any age, engaging in this kind of low-class behavior.

 

DISCLAIMER: And please let me say this. Just because someone is from the "lower classes" does not mean they are low class or have no class. MANY do. So I'm not talking about those. Just needed to make the distinction clear there.

[a4a]

I guess I am rather lucky as my husband refused a "sex party" before we married. I would have found it disrespectful and he had attended a few of his friends and in his owns words " a waste of money and stupid". But that is our relationship. We placed respect and consideration for one another to be of very very high priority in our relationship and pending marriage.

 

IMHO if your spouse to be is that upset, his or her feelings should be considered.

 

Think before you leap..... the fall could hurt like hell.

 

a4a - cats were thought of as gods for thousands of years, and they still have not forgotten that.

[chrissy123]

I just really don't understand how anyone in their right mind can say this kind of behavior is acceptable. So what if his friends planned it. Either they are really crappy friends who don't care what the groom wanted or the groom really did want it just used the "my friends" excuse to get out of it. Lap dances are cheating no matter what the circumstances. I promise you if most of these people who say "its all in fun" walked into their home and saw a complete stranger naked grinding on their wife og gf they would be a little angry. I really think if a man needs a bachelor party then he is obviously marrying the wrong women.

[RainyDayWoman]

i think it's ridiculous to say one cannot refuse drinks and lap dances.

 

one certainly could.

 

and this one just...didn't.

[Hot Coco]

I know. I don't get that either. You're mature enough and responsible enough to make a commitment of marriage but you can't say no to having women shove their boobs in your face?

[MrsP]

In your situation- HE told you everything you wanted to know (not his friend's girlfriend). He tried to be sensitive to your one big day and not describe the party before the wedding or honeymoon (although true sensitivity would mean not doing it at all). HE did not go to the club alone or initiate the evening. He probably felt the same kind of peer pressure freshmen boys at college feel when the are trying to live up to the "Animal House" stereotype.

Think of the flip side to each of these... He lies to you about the evening then is "fuzzy" about details and dismissive or belligerent when you ask him questions. He tells you before the wedding in a manner that makes you feel you better perform at least as well as his stripper to retain his interest. He asked his buds to include a stripper for his "last night" or he goes regularly and had his favorite perform the honors.

 

You have a chance now to share your expectations and hopes while rewarding him for trying to do the right thing and coming clean with you. If he likes the tease, maybe you can find creative ways to satisfy that together and the whole ordeal can be chalked up as a brainstorming session for your own newlywed fun. I would let him know how future visits will impact you and let him know how you feel about future partying with his guy friends. It isn't about setting up ultimatums or rules, but if you are not clear now about how you feel, both of you could be hurt in the future.

 

I wish my husband had been forthright with me about his strip club habit before our first three years of marriage had tumbled by. In your case, he did not keep it a secret, he does not hold the experience over your head and he does not seem to have a "habit" of going. I'd trade anything to start over again with this slate.