Any Advice or explanations?

[spalmal]

When i was 12 years old, i had a girlfriend for 8 months who I adored. After we split up, we became best friends and were really close. I am now 25 and we have been best friends since. She was engaged for 2 years to a bad bloke and they split up last october. She said it hadnt been working for 6 months, so when 2 months later we started to get romantically involved, i didnt back off because she really seemed to want me. Anyway after 2 weeks she decided that she shouldnt be in a serious relationship and should be single for a while. 2 Weeks later, she told me she had made a mistake and realised she loved me and wanted to be with me. Everything was great then, we went on holiday in january and moved in together (at her suggestion) in february. Everthing was good, we seemed to fit together like a jigsaw, being friends first added to the relationship. Every now and then she would think about her ex, but i understood that that would pass.

 

Anyway, its now been 6 months since weve been together, and weve just broken up, and i cant understand why. Basically, we had an argument 2 weeks ago... my fault... and we didnt talk for 4 days, but when we eventually did she forgave me. But she told me that during those 4 days she started thinking and she had had doubts to whether she wanted to be in a serious relationship or not (exactly the same doubts she had when we initially got together the first time). But then she said it would be alright and she would be devastated if she lost me. A week after the argument she told me that she thought we should cool it a bit (sleep in seperate rooms, see each other less etc.), i told her that it was too much to ask of anyone and i didnt know if i could do it. Over the next few days i stayed in a seperate room, and she was totally different, she never touched me or hugged me or kissed me. We had another argument cause i said i couldnt stand this after 6 months of living like a married couple... i said i would move out! She begge me not to go but i said i had no choice because since the argument she has not made an effort with our relationship. I told her i loved her and that if she said she loved me and she wanted me to stay to work at our relationship, i would. But she couldnt say it. Upon further questioning she said that she was hoping that we would slip back into being friends as she doesnt think she is ready for a serious relationship right now.

 

The thing i cant understand is that she still swears that up until the argument she said she loved me and she wanted to be with me as a girlfriend.. and i believe her (i have no reason not to becasue she has been brutally honest with me through the relationship). She says she still has feelings for me, but during the 4 days of not talking the doubts started. I cant see how her feelings can change so quickly, it seems as if 6 months of good times has been wiped out by 4 days of bad times. I think she has given up too quickly.

 

She asked if we could still be friends and i said i could bot be bothered, as it would require a lot of effort on my part, and since she had not made an effort in the relationship.

 

I have almost moved all my stuff out and am living back at home. I am going to pick up some stuff tonight... any suggestions on how i should act or what i should say? How can she give up after 4 days, when she admits that up until the argument she was happy and nothing was wrong. Should i be friends? should i stay away? (she said recently that i should treat her mean to keep her keen, but i dont see why i should have to when it was working when i was being nice).

 

She said im too good for her and she has treated me bad, i just think shes taken me for granted. In the past she's always assumed that im always going to be there to go back to.... but i not this time.... is that a wise choice.

 

I desperatly want her back but i have run out of ideas. Should i give her space and see if she comes back?

 

Thanks

 

Simon

 

P.S. sorry about the long post, but im desperate

[Guest]

A quote for you. "If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with." I live by that quote and so should you. You really find out alot about love when your seperated. In time if you crave her more then you love her...but if your cravings for her starts decreasing...then its not true love. She will get either more cravings or less cravings with time. This will also prove her love for you. Give it time, and wait patiently. Good luck.

[Lou Lou]

Simon,

 

It sounds like she needs to do some soul searching and needs to decide what she wants out of a relationship (if that is what she really wants). What is important for you to do is to let her know how you feel (i.e. This feels like a roller coster ride and i need to get off becuase my heart is breaking again and again) and then you need to stick to it. This woman has a "track record' not of being fickle per se...but maybe of doing things without thinking about herself or about you.

 

You know this about her so you have a choice...will you be wiling to live through this again with her..or is it time to set limits (i.e. I need for you not to call me for three months etc) and start healing. Then you can think about being friends again. I would suggest you NOT go over to get your stuff when she is home (ask to borrow the key or for her to leave it or go over with a friend. That way you can make a clean break....

 

Any time the "exchanging the stuff' takes place..there is the possibility for drama..

 

Good Luck

 

Lou Lou

[Tony T]

It sounds very clearly like she doesn't want a relationship with you. If she thought there was a chance in the future, she would leave doors open. She doesn't seem to want to do that.

 

I think it's a shame that you can't save the friendship and that may happen sometime in the future. Right now, you need to stay away from her and cease contact.

 

I promise her attitude now has nothing to do with the argument you had. She's just using that as an excuse. She wants to slide out of the relationship as easily as possible so help her do that.

 

When you see her, just be nice and cordial and make your visit brief. There is no reason to get mushy or go into a big begging thing with somebody who doesn't want to be with you.

 

Six months of good times is never wiped out. You enjoyed those months one day at a time and that will always be there. If a break is going to occur, it will just wait for a door or a reason. Now that she has one, she is taking it.

 

Accept that this is over. I wouldn't hope for a change of heart on her from her. A lot of times, ladies want to be friends as a way of easing their conscience and guilt feelings. In this case, it would seem your friendship history may serve as a base for some sort of an association in the future.

 

Meanwhile, it is romance you are wanting. You got it from this lady for a while and that's great. Now you must go and find someone with whom you can have that on a more permanent basis.