Cardiac Distress Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 My Girlfriend (soon to be Fiance) has a guy friend which happens to be one of her former professor's (Mid 30's y/o). We're both 25 y/o. Six months ago this is one of the two guys she would go on friend dates. I let her go because my trusted her and felt like our relationship was secure. When I felt like something was wrong then she broke up with me. We patched everything up then and now back in love. She goes out every now and then with this guy to the movies or dinner whenever I am not available. I know for a fact that this guy has been trying to ask her out even though he know we are together. I told her that I feel uncomfortable when they go out to together and to tell her him that they're only to be friends. She told him and he says they're okay with that. Now the issue is last night I told her that I still feel uncomfortable when they go out. She tells me that she loves me and I have to trust her. I told her how I feel and she doesn't have many friends meaning that she doesn't want to drop him as a friend. She thinks I don't trust her. And if we're going to get married we have trust each other. Why do I still feel uncomfortable when they go out? Is she mentally cheating on me and that's why she won't drop him as a friend? I trust her but the way my heart was broken the first time is possibly cause be the reason i still feel uncomfortable. Is there a reasonable solution to all of this where we can both be happy? Someone help me.. Thank you, Cardiac Distress Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I think you have reason to be uncomfortable with the situation. If you're not available, like you said, then she can go out with female friends etc. Or find herself something else to do. Its one thing have male friends and its quite another to be going with them to the movies etc, while in a relationship. DO NOT marry her until this "friend" situation is resolved. She obviously knows how you feel on the matter, but yet she continues to disrespect your feelings by still going out or hanging out with him etc. You need to have another heart to heart with her. You need to make it clear how you feel on the matter one last time. If she still is doing this, it may be time for you to move on. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 CD; You've got to nip this in the bud right now. Not next week, not tomorrow, but today. This is not about your trust in her, this is about her respecting your wishes. She's turning it around to use a passive-aggressive approach by playing the victim, where in fact you're the one getting hurt. If you're thinking of a long-term commitment like marriage, this has to stop. Right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Enygmatic Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I agree that you can't get married unless you solve this issue. If you have this rescentment in the back of your brain then it will bug you all the time and it will be really difficult to have a good marriage.I passed through the same situation, I even posted here about the problem but then i realized that the one with the problem was me. The thing is that this guy was hitting on my girl but she stopped him. I thought that was it but then they became friends which made me become insecure. At first I started complaining about the guy and that I didnt like her to go out with him and stuff but then I realized she was honest while telling me that she loved me. What I'm trying to tell you is that you should try to trust her, if she decided to marry you is because she loves you. Just sit with her and tell her how you feel without overreacting. The secret is that while you talk to her you need to mention that you love her, otherwise if you just complain then she will think that you are just one of those poeple that like it their way(we all do but sometimes we need to loose a little bit) Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 IMHO opposite sex friends should not be going out alone together when one or both is committed to someone else. It's fine to maybe have lunch in a big restaurant on a workday but to be going to movies and dinners together is not 'friend' behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 She is getting something out of this or she will not continue to do it!! Please do not marry her till she has stopped this so called friend thing ..Are you sure that there isn't more going on than just friends!!! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 A friend date? How emasculating (for him, because it's platonic, and for you, because you tolerate it). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cardiac Distress Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks for the advice so far guys. I am wondering how should I approach this. Should I suck it up and put faith in our trust of one another or give her a ultimatum. Our five year relationship or a friendship with him. I really love this girl. Any suggestions? Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Dump her. Easier said than done, but you need to put your foot down. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Ultimatiums are not always the best because most of the time people will throw out an ultimatium and not follow through with what they say they are gonna do. I would use that as a last resort and only if you're serious in what you say to her. If you choose the ultimatum route you have to make it clear to her that if she doesn't cut contact with this 'friend" that its over between you two. If you tell her that, and she doesn't cut contact with him and she continues to do this, then you have to follow through with what you said about it being over. If you do not do that, she will think you're just blowing in the wind, and never take what you say seriously. Then she will feel she can do whatever, without any consequences for her actions, which is what shes doing right now. I say either cut her loose now or do the ultimaium thing, but remember if you do that, you need to follow through with what you say. I have a feeling the ultimaium is not going to work. I don't think shes going to cut him loose. She already knows how you feel and shes still seeing him anyway. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 If you get married, this "friend" will turn into a male Camilla Parker Bowles. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks for the advice so far guys. I am wondering how should I approach this. Should I suck it up and put faith in our trust of one another or give her a ultimatum. Our five year relationship or a friendship with him. I really love this girl. Any suggestions? Thanks guys Don't dump her yet, because you've got too much invested and you are clearly into her. But instead of making a big deal about it, let her do her thing while you go on a "friend date" of your own. I'm married and go to movies and early weekday dinners with female friends alone, shouldn't be a problem for her if you feel like doing something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I'm married and go to movies and early weekday dinners with female friends alone, shouldn't be a problem for her if you feel like doing something like that. The infidelity boards are awash in people who thought they were being 'just friends' with people of the opposite gender while they were married and discovered themselves falling in love. They unanimously say it was a surprise, but if you are very fond of someone and spend a lot of time with that person alone, it's easy for love to happen. IMHO it's far better to insist the friends see you with your spouse and avoid any possibility that a friendship will turn into something more. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 "Shouldn't be a problem for her if you feel like doing that." Then whats the point of being married? Most married/commited people do things together. Not saying theres nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but when people start going out to dinner, movies etc with out their spouse with other female/male friends theres a problem. So in your situation I'm assuming that your wife has male friends she goes to dinner with? I'm not talking about going out to lunch/dinner with female co-workers discussing business I'm talking about going out just to be going out. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I've always believed that having a relationship meant exclusivity with one another. When the other insists on spending personal time with a member of the opposite sex, naturally I'd be suspicious. Those who think they're immune are the ones who end up falling the hardest, because they never took time to consider how fallible they really are. Instead, they resort to euphemisms or go into stealth mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Those who think they're immune are the ones who end up falling the hardest, because they never took time to consider how fallible they really are. It bears being repeated! Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 So in your situation I'm assuming that your wife has male friends she goes to dinner with? I'm not talking about going out to lunch/dinner with female co-workers discussing business I'm talking about going out just to be going out. Jade Issue with me is I travel a lot, so I don't think it's reasonable for either of us to spend so many nights alone. Trust and faith are more important to us than choking each other to death. But we're both exceptionally outgoing, might not work for others who see deep significance in their interactions with others. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I've always believed that having a relationship meant exclusivity with one another. When the other insists on spending personal time with a member of the opposite sex, naturally I'd be suspicious. Those who think they're immune are the ones who end up falling the hardest, because they never took time to consider how fallible they really are. Instead, they resort to euphemisms or go into stealth mode. You know I agree with this. I know of this man, who has told me before that his wife would NEVER cheat on him. I hate hearing the word never because know one knows for sure what may or may not happen. Anyway I was surprised to hear that and asked him why he felt that way. He says to me, I meet all her needs, she meets all mine so it wont happen. I then tell him anything is possible and he says , yes true, but in his case its possible but not probable. Hes says if people are having problems in their relationship it makes them more vulnerable for things to happen, which would bump up cheating from possible to probable. I can see that, but he still thinks to this day it will NEVER happen. I hope for his sake it doesn't but its almost like hes a little to sure it wont. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
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