I cheated and confessed-3 years after it happened..

[Raveness]

I'm a 28 year old female and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years.. during our first year together, we had alot of troubles. I moved in with him 9 months into the relationship. He was still getting over his ex and I was immature (I'd never been in a relationship before and was making all my mistakes with him I guess.)

 

A year into our relationship, he admitted to me that he felt no love for me and didn't think he ever could.. he asked me to stay with him to "enjoy the dance".. I guess that meant enjoy his company. I don't know. I stayed, but was bitter and that's when I ended up having a one night stand. I didn't think our relationship was gonna last and so I didn't care what I did (stupid and immature, I know..) Ironically, the very next day after that one night stand, he told me he loved me but wasn't "in love".

 

Either way, I ended up staying and our relationship improved a little, I was so much in love though that I just toughed it out. 3 years into our relationship, he asked me to move out. I did, but we were still "together" trying to work on it. A few months after moving out, he got angry with me for asking him if his feelings for me were changing (because he *never* wanted to stay the night) and he stopped coming over. I still clung on to the relationship.. emailed him, called him.. tried to find out why he was basically ignoring me. Each time I'd go over his house, he'd just "get tired" suddenly.. we still had sex on occassion and something of a relationship..but I knew he wasn't telling me everything-after all why did he just *stop* coming by?

 

I started going over everything in my mind.. and decided the only way to ever have a truly and completely good, honest relationship would be for me to look at myself, the ways I've behaved and confess everything I know was wrong.. and so I did. I admitted to being selfish at times in the relationship.. being immature, not fully appreciating what he's done.. and pointed out every good thing about him that I knew and loved that maybe he didn't realize. And then I admitted to the cheating and apologized.

 

He got really quiet and we just spent some quiet time together.. the next day in my email box he sent me a bashing hatemail explaining everything..about how he had such hopes for me to be the one and why he started pushing me away 9 months earlier, how he was being "patient" with me all along, waiting for me to mature, that just months into our relationship, I wasn't what he had hoped for..in my response, I just agreed because I was so hurt by his hurt..(which was silly on my part because it's *never* just one person's fault in a relationship-cheating was my error.. but other probs were both)

 

A week later I emailed him, saying I knew he needed time-and he returned it with a letter saying he was glad I was being patient. I emailed him a few times throughout the month, wishing him a happy thanksgiving and such. It has been a month and I've heard nothing-not one single sound from him-not even a happy thanksgiving. I'll be honest.. I don't know how men think-don't know if their minds are just as complicated as a woman's.. so I'll ask the men here on this forum-if I havn't heard a thing from him in a month.. nothing.. what should I do, if anything? I'd be very grateful for any kind of brutally honest advice here.... and I'm sorry this is so long!

 

~Raveness~

[agnf666]

I'm not a male but I am going to try to give you some advice here....

 

Since It has been a month since you have heard anything from him. I wouldn't write to him anymore. I would wait and see what he does... If this man was with you for 4 years and was not "In Love" with you then he might not want to make contact with you. That is a long time to be in a relationship and not be "in love" with someone.

 

You did the right thing about being honest with him and telling him you cheated... I like how he says that you might have been "the one"... well obviously that is not try becuase he was not "in love" with you...

 

What you need to do is try No Contact for a while... See how that gets you... Then he might see that your whole world doesn't revolve around him. In which that is a very mature thing to do...

 

In any case... I hope things work out for you... I hope I didn't sound too mean, because that was not my intentions...

[Cecelius]

I'm a man.

 

A month with no contact means he's not into you enough even to indulge in emotion-laden banter merely for diversion or sport.

 

Your cheating was the result of all the things you said. you admitted it and regret it, and now you should move on. If he is anything like me, this would confirm that there was nothing left.

[reddog63]

"I started going over everything in my mind.. and decided the only way to ever have a truly and completely good, honest relationship would be for me to look at myself, the ways I've behaved and confess everything I know was wrong.. and so I did. I admitted to being selfish at times in the relationship.. being immature, not fully appreciating what he's done.. and pointed out every good thing about him that I knew and loved that maybe he didn't realize. And then I admitted to the cheating and apologized."

 

 

I just replied to a similiar post! All that comes to mind is........how f***ing selfish to have dumped this on him. It was three years since cheated??? Does it feel better that you put him through this for the sake of honesty???? I just dont get it I guess.

[Second-best]

the reason i dont agree with this is because I feel it's important for your other half to know EVERYTHING about you before they can make the best decision for themselves. I don't care if it hurts me that my bf told me he cheated on me so long ago... I want to know so I can make a well-informed decision on whether to put up w/ it or not... THAT is why you'd tell your partner... it's not to be selfish and "get it out"

[Cecelius]

reddog is saying that if she was going to dump him or not end up with him anyway (or there was a huge likelihood of it), why put this on him?

 

Now he has two choices: forget everything about their relationship to move on or get bogged down with leftover hate, etc.

 

If I found out that far after the fact, it would taint any decent memory I had of the collective history. Finding out your girl loved you so much that she gave it out to another guy like that, THEN put your health, reputation and future at risk by failing to immediately disclose it -- wow.