Emolover239 Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 I have been involved with my instructor, in an EA that has recently crept into being physical, through a hug. This EA has been going on for two months. He makes it clear that he will never leave his wife of 23 years, and I make it clear that I want to be his partner. I am in my early thirties and I am 15 years younger than him. While I might be considered physically attractive, he would not likely be considered as such, although I personally do consider him quite attractive. We speak openly on the fact that we are in an EA and that the affair will inevitably remain active, and perhaps continue to progress into a full-blown physical affair. We go out for coffee, beer, or dinner quite often, and we email each other frequently. He has come to my place once and will soon come again. I am attracted to his intellect. He is the kindest man alive. We make each other laugh and we have an unbelievable energy together. His marriage is marked by past affairs: one that his wife had early in the marriage and one he had soon after, in retaliation. His marriage is currently troubled, as his wife has recently given him an ultimatum, in which one choice was to separate. He has chosen not to separate, and that crushed me. I am recently separated from the father of my 3-1/2 year old son, and this emotional roller coaster hurts a lot, at certain times. He knows how selfish he is, and I know how little I have to gain; however, the two of us cannot switch ourselves off from each other. Plus, I maintain a thread of hope for the event of his divorce. Why do I settle for this? Link to post Share on other sites
Tiny Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Because obviously, you like being hurt and under appreciated. What's so wrong with finding a single guy? Probably all boils down to the usual, low self esteem issues. I say go for it, your happy being used by an old man, and have no self respect, like so many people of your ilk, good luck and have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Emolover239 Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Tiny, you may have a good point or two, but try reading my post once again and do it with the idea that I DO have self-respect and that I am highly respected by this man (a point you need not try to argue, because it is true!). After re-reading, try give a meaningful repsonse to my post. My question is more of a theme than a direct question needing a direct answer. Really, I'm just looking for reasonable input from members, and not criticism or attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Plus, I maintain a thread of hope for the event of his divorce. Why do I settle for this? You just answered your own question... it's the thread of hope regarding his divorce. In addition, you like his intellect and kindness. Down the line you're gonna have to realize it's a waste of time, since he told you he's never gonna leave his wife. Hopefully you'll gather the strength to leave before you hurt yourself, because he's already defined his limits, whereas you're hoping he'll change his stance as you spend more time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiny Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 I think you need to re-evaluate this situation altogether, of course you get along so well, and find energy and interest in each other, as do most people when there "dating" But dating and LTR's are totally different, try it as a 24/7 relationship and see how much fun and energy, are still there after a few years, after all the newness has worn off, not much i'll bet. Sorry if you think i 'm attacking and critising you, which I am, but only for positive reasons, and anyway as far as infidelity and critism are concerned, it comes with the territory if you don't like it don't do it. TBH your in the wrong forum, in here you'll find a hell of a lot of BS's torn apart and destroyed by there WS's infidelity, you should really of posted in the OM/OW forum, where your likely to find a tad more symapthy with your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Tiny, you may have a good point or two, but try reading my post once again and do it with the idea that I DO have self-respect and that I am highly respected by this man (a point you need not try to argue, because it is true!). After re-reading, try give a meaningful repsonse to my post. My question is more of a theme than a direct question needing a direct answer. Really, I'm just looking for reasonable input from members, and not criticism or attacks. Civalien, I am sorry to point this out but this man does not respect you. He knows that you want a relationship with him, yet he is happy to string you along while keeping his main relationship going. If he respected you (and his wife) he would make a choice instead of having his cake and eating it. As for being the kindest man out there...well to be honest, he sounds totally selfish to me. He is not being fair to you or his wife. On the one hand he seems to be trying to save his marriage (whilst making a mockery of it at the same time) on the other hand he is happy to accept all that you can provide that his long-term relationship can't (adoration, excitement, non-committment). If you really want respect from this man, lay down the rules : a relationship on your terms or none. Don't go along with having a relationship that is compeletely on his terms and hoping that he will change. He is already showing you what he wants by keeping his marriage going. Please get some advice from the OM/OW forum. They will no doubt share many similar stories to yours - with the benefit of hindsight also. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Babydoll, "cannot" is a whole lot different than "will not". You buy the ticket, you take the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Emolover239 Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 Grinning Maniac, You say it best. I will get off this ride...as soon as I figure out how. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 My question goes to you too.I am in a very similar situation.And my MM marriege wasnmarked by previous affairs, his wife started it.I don't know why they never whant to leave thei wifes. and Why we settle for this. But I know how you feel. Hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 27, 2005 Share Posted December 27, 2005 Grinning Maniac, You say it best. I will get off this ride...as soon as I figure out how. The only way how is to stop all contact with him and get yourself into counciling. I could say things to you that would make your heart flutter, by talking to you and getting to know you I would be able to pull your heart strings. I could give you the most innocent of smiles and make you feel good about yourself however it would be with the wrong intentions just like this guy is doing. He is married, so am I. If I am buttering you up it's because I want a piece of you. He is only doing it in a more classy way, in a way that will help protect himself once this EA falls through. I mean come on. How can you hurt such a kind, respectful man by telling his wife what has been going on? He's a player just an older one at that. Even if he were to divorce her you would be looking over your shoulder all the time once you were in a relationship with him because you would know darn well after the 'challenge' and the 'adventure' is gone that he'll be looking to satisfy that quench again. He says he was only in one affair? You are going to believe a man that cheated on his wife once and is doing it again now? Wake up hun, he's pulling a fast one over you. The ONLY way to win this game now is to not play it. Stop ALL communication with him otherwise you are just fooling yourself and keeping the door open for him to continue to get his thrills. Not sure why you do it, perhaps your afraid of commitment. Only a counselor can help you with that. So please go see one before you self-destruct. Link to post Share on other sites
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