I have an "admirer" & I am married...what do I do?

[chaka]

I have been married 3 years to a great man who has been nothing but generous, supportive, a real family man, reliable, trustworthy, and funny. He also tries hard to be romantic with encouragement. We have been dealing with the tough issue of infertility for 1 1/2 years, and through it all has been very understanding. Could this strain in our marriage be the reason why I am thinking often of another man?

 

I met "John" about 6 months after I started dating my husband. He was the son of one of my co-workers, who accompanied us afternoon shift gals to the bar a couple of times after work. There was an immediate chemistry between us. We had alot in common. We could talk forever. We held hands a few times. He was a musician like me. He was sweet and sensitive....and attractive. I never mentioned my boyfriend.

 

He came into my work one day to ask when we were going out again. I said I would have to ask the girls. He said what about just us 2. I felt my face turn hot. "I have a boyfriend" I stammered. "So what?" he said. I told him I couldn't do that to him, that I was not that way. He stopped coming around after that.

 

Time passed. I became engaged. I heard through my co-worker (John's mom) That he was dating a classmate of mine (college) I was jealous! Of course, I confronted the girl, and asked her all kinds of embarassing questions. He broke it off with her maybe a week after that conversation. Also about this time, he sent me a note through his moms boyfriend (also a coworker) that he wanted me to teach him piano. I found this odd that he was still thinking of me. It had been about year 1/2 after our first meeting! So I sent him a note saying I was too busy with wedding plans to teach lessons. I thought that would do the trick.

 

I got married, even invited his mom to the wedding with her boyfriend (the messenger). Changed jobs. Before I left I invited my friend (John's mom) to lunch. Mind you, even if John was not in the picture, I would still be friend's with "Sally". She is a fun a caring person. The first thing Sally says to me is that John wanted to let me know if I ever got divorced to look him up. It had been 5 years now! Even though I did think of him from time to time, I couldn't beleive he was so persistant!

 

After that I lost track of Sally. (Purposely, or accidental, I don't know) I thought of calling her a few times, but didn't. I missed her friendship, but I guess I didn't want to be reminded of John. That was almost 2 years ago. 1 month ago I got a suprise call from Sally. We caught up on the happenings, I was afraid to ask about John. So finally I asked how her kids were. She said "John still talks about you, in fact he convinced me to get back in touch with you." Whoa! What the heck! I was in shock. I agreed to meet her at work for lunch even though I now knew John works with his mom. By the way he has a girlfriend now. So I saw him 3 weeks ago for the first time in about 5-6 years. It was very awkward. The tension i the air was palpable. I felt there was so much unsaid. I kind of wish he went to lunch with us.

 

So here is the dilemma. Should I nip my friendship with Sally in the bud because of John? Was I really meant to date him way back when? I do feel our lives are intertwined somehow. Keep in mind I am not a strayer and I love my husband, though we are not real passionate. It is very elating to know that someone has thought of me all of these years, so do you think I am responding to the ego-boost I'm getting from this? Your words are appreciated. Thank you!

[Tony T]

1. "Could this strain in our marriage be the reason why I am thinking often of another man?"

 

What strain? So you're having a little problem getting pregnant. But that's one of the things husbands and wives work through together. You are in a committed relationship now, at least on the surface. Part of the committment you made was working through whatever difficulties face you individually and as a couple. Your husband sounds like a pretty decent guy.

 

You are thinking of another man simply because of some crazy fanatsy you have left over from way back. Chances are good if you dated him it would last a week or two. You are now in a committed relationship, a marriage. It's time to grow up and cast these musings out the window. Sure, if you want to fantasize over somebody now and then, have at it. But that's where it's gotta stop.

 

2. "Should I nip my friendship with Sally in the bud because of John?"

 

If you don't think you can control your thoughts and actions, yes. But I think you need to work on some self control. You shouldn't have to drop a friend because of some associated temptation.

 

3. "Was I really meant to date him way back when?"

 

No, not at all. What is meant to be comes to pass. What is not meant to be just plain doesn't happen. It's that simple.

 

4. "I do feel our lives are intertwined somehow. Keep in mind I am not a strayer and I love my husband, though we are not real passionate."

 

Oh, yeah, right...I'm sure of that. But you're sure thinking hard about this. Maybe wanting to get just a tad of encouragement here? Or maybe you just wanted to express your feelings about this anonymously. Your lives are intertwines only in your thoughts. As long as you are married and you're committed to making your marriage work, get your mind off of this guy.

 

5. "It is very elating to know that someone has thought of me all of these years, so do you think I am responding to the ego-boost I'm getting from this?"

 

What people think about when they recall members of the opposite sex from their distant past is what they were at that time. People change...BIG TIME. You have changed...he has changed. Why don't you just let those memories live on where they are supposed to be...in the past.

 

I'm really glad you got an ego boost out of this, if that's what you did. But I hope you will take inventory of your marriage. Either concentrate on being happy, being committed to your husband, making it work, or just get out of it BEFORE you get pregnant.

 

You cannot have a happy marriage if you've got other men on your mind.

[Ajay]

Hi Chaka!

 

So you have an admirerer (a blast from the past so to speak), and doesn't that make you feel special!!! You've stated a lot of reasons why you're probably thinking of this guy now, but the one you should be thinking about is your husband. You can fantasize all you want about this guy and the "what ifs", but the fact is you are married now and should be focusing on your husband and your marriage.

 

Your husband sounds like a great guy, and I'm sure a lot of women would be glad to have a guy like him. If you think your marriage is "strained" now, think of how complicated things could get if you added your admirerer to the picture...

 

As for your friend "Sally"; you should be able to keep your friendship with her and your feelings/possible rendevous (whatever) with your admirerer separate (even talking about him -- it's not fair to her). If you can't, then maybe you won't be able to be friends with Sally. It isn't fair to her or your friendship with her to keep bringing him into it. She may resent you for it in the long run.

 

I caused problems in my marriage and lost a very dear friend because of a situation similiar to yours so be very careful.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Ajay.