Confused

[Second-best]

I've been with my boyfriend for more than half a year now. I know he loves me, though it's not as strong as my love for him is, and he's admitted this. Last year, when we got together, he and I had a mutual best friend. She's really pretty and quite popular. She's also known to be a flirt.

But, during a summer apart, she pretty much almost cut contact with me, while continuing to call/email/IM/txt my bf... and while I tried calling/IM her, she made no effort to reply. My bf and I were getting closer, he'd drive long distances to see me, and we'd talk several times a day every day, sometimes til 4am. I know he puts me first, but, when I told him about this girl, he thought I was worrying too much.

Then she made a pass at him, and my bf realised I was right all along. He said he'd tell her to stop calling him, but he ended up laughing and talking and hugging her instead. She even insulted me, and instead of sticking up for me, he agreed with her. This was about 3 months ago.

He's stopped talking to her since I threatened to end things with us, but some random stupid things keep happening. I found them studying together, and sometimes, I swear it looks like he's watching her with a weird smile. It makes me really uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. He's made changes for me, but I still feel second-best.

Any thoughts/advice would really be appreciated. I need an outsiders perspective.

[Second-best]

does anyone have any thoughts to contribute? I really don't know what to think or do about this situation.

[RecordProducer]

All situations that involve a third party who is only friends with one of the caouple's party are very difficult to bear and handle.

 

I know for sure that I would never let a stranger or friend insult my partner in front of me. I would definitely stand up for him. It's okay for your BF to associate with her, but not okay that he let her insult you. If you are his GF, you should be more important and he should feel personally offended if someone offends you.

 

It's interesting that you mentioned that he loves you more than you love him so maybe he is offended by the whole situation. He chooses to be with you, not with her so you're obviously not the second best. In any case, she is not your friend and you're obviously in bad terms. If I were you, I would remove myself from any situation where she appears around him. Show them both that she is not welcome in your company and indeed, you're not obligated to take anyone's crap.

 

If you feelings for him are not so strong plus you have to take this from him, why bother dating him at all? Just curious...

[Second-best]

thanks for replying... but actually, read that part again... what I actually said was that I love him more than he loves me... "i know he loves me, but it's not AS strong as my love for him is"

that's the problem. I've told him how I feel about him talking to her, because he wasn't at all offended that she insulted me. Lately when she's around, I see him looking at her wistfully, almost like he misses her friendship. I guess what bothers me the most, is that for one, I can't seem to fill the void she left, and two, that he'd miss her friendship so much when she obviously doesnt care for it (otherwise she'd try mending things w/ me).

[RecordProducer]

Oh, shyt! I am sorry... ugh... what was I reading?

 

So you think he may like her, but she is not interested in him so he sticks around you?

 

ell give him an ultimatum: she or you. It's really not fun to see your BF drooling over another girl. But most of all, what would bother me is that his feelings are not as strong as yours. Do you have to be with a guy who doesn't feel the same as you? Do you settle for a one-way relationship?

[lindya]

I've been with my boyfriend for more than half a year now. I know he loves me, though it's not as strong as my love for him is, and he's admitted this.

 

I think that, and other factors you've outlined, results in the sort of power imbalance that might be great for your boyfriend's ego, but could really eat away at your confidence. To be with someone who lets you know that his feelings for you don't run as deeply as yours do for him....it's a recipe for ever diminishing self esteem, and the longer you stay in a situation like that the harder it might be to learn how to feel positive about yourself again.

 

I think I'd want to say something brief and simple like "there are just too many strange dynamics between you, me and her. No hard feelings, but I think it would be best if you and I just broke up."

 

That might be overly harsh? Obviously you have to trust your instincts here (they're generally more reliable than your heart) and if the advice you're getting here isn't right for you, then hopefully your instincts will soon let you know that.