What is he thinking?

[feelinghurt]

Sorry I know it is kinda long post...please bare with me.

 

OKay, some of you might had read my previous post and had some negative comments about my behavior toward my husband: verbally and sometimes (accidently) physically abused, nothing serious in my point because I have been emotionally abused by my own husband since the day we got married. For whomever had read my post just keep in mind that my husband had emotionally cheated on me once with one of his female friends. He wrote her a letter told her how much he loved and missed her. Yes, I caught it but he never asked for forgiveness and never said Im sorry but just tried to be sweet talking to me at that time so my heart gone softer and softer till he got home from deployment. He cares more about his friends then he cares about me, he cares about himself and his hobbies more then he cares about me that why I turned out to be so desparate for love and caring from him. I'm a very open minded person, like to talk things out and like to work things out if there are problems. Him, on the other hand, doesn't like to face the problem, he seems to think that he can always get away from everything without put any effort into it. So I know that now him want to leave isn't my fault, isn't what he was telling me oh because I'm tired of your verbally and physically abused me over and over. He turns me into this person and I know I shouldn't be blaming him for it.

 

Three days ago he called me and told me that he wants a divorce, I cried and asked him for another cance to prove that I do really love and care for him. He was forcefully said okay fine. Then the next day I suppose to pick him up from work but he got sent to another place to take care of thing by his commend then he couldn't come home. At that time I told him that well I know you want a divorce and I don't want to force you to be here when you don't want to. I said we should sit down and talk. He said okay, we talk tomorrow at a nice restaurant and I don't want you to cry. I said okay. So the next day I picked him he said he needs to do some shopping first I said okay. While shopping he was playing around with, goofing around like in the old day, gave me a hug, pinch my butt, and I thought what is he doing? Then I acted normal but in a controll of my own emotional. So we went to eat then I asked so what now? You told me that you want a divorce last night. He said, we should separate first for at least six months that is the law before a divorce take place. I said so what am I suppose to be doing during that time period? I'm here in this state because of you, I can't be here alone not in this kind of situation without any support system. I need my family around so what if I happen to get sick or something bad happen to me, who is going to be here for me? I asked him how long do you need? He said he doesn't know. I said you can just hang me dry and want a cake and eat it too. I said okay should I start to sell everyting in the house now because I don't want to wait for your final decision whether or not you're coming back. I meant if you finally decide to come back then it worths it for me to wait but what if months from now you decide not to come back?

 

He said wait don't start to sell everything yet. I said okay. So the dinner was done we left, it was time to drop him off. He looked sad and we talked little more but this time I was crying and I said to him that all he cares about right now is himself. He is heartless but he finally said okay I just need sometimes to think it over. Anyway I left he gave me kisses and held my hand but I was kind of hesitated for him touching me that time. So I went home and it was around 11 the time I was about to be in bed, he called and said I miss you and can I come home? I said do you want to come home? He said, do you want me to come home? I said it is your will, I'm not the one to decide you the one. He said I want to come home for the weekend to spend time with you and go back on Mon. I said sure fine. I went a gain to pick him up. We got home and we had sex. Everything was okay. Again the next day he was in that computer room all day playing with his DJ stuff and downloading musics. I was in the other room and ponder why am I letting him coming back? Just to let him ignore and neglect me like in the old day and allow him to call me a bad person, a bad wife, who is very abusive and in everyone's eyes right now that I am an evil woman? So before I come to work this morning Sun I said okay I will have to take you back to the ship today, not tomorrow. He was kind of gave me a surprise look. So for righ tnow I don't know what is best or what is not, I don't know what he is trying to do or think anymore. He said that give him a week to think and he will let me know next week for sure if deep down he still love me or not. Is it the right thing what he is doing right now? In my point of view if you love the person you love the person, there is no in between or I'm not sure mode.