New 'friend' is almost stalking us!

[jane23467]

Has anyone ever been in this situation? We moved to a different city a few months ago, and someone introduced us to a guy from our home city and he's driving us CRAZY! He's got a family, lovely wife, teenage kids who seem all really nice, though older than our kids. So it all looked good in the beginning but this guy, within a week of meeting, turns up at our door almost every day, sometimes at 8 in the morning at weekend. He's constantly trying to get us to do something with him, won't take no for an answer, even when we say we've no money he goes out and pays for things, such as theatre tickets, etc so we can't say no. He now wants us to spend Christmas with him, but we don't want to, but he's pushing and pushing and pushing all the time. He's a manager and can't seem to stop managing - he sacked somebody recently for not being a team player - the guy had refused to go for the team drink on Friday evening because his parents were coming in from Denmark that night! He thinks this is funny!

 

He's also always pushing our kids together, and it's not that they don't like each other, they see each other around school all the time, they just don't have anything at all in common with them, so it gets really embarassing for all concerned apart from this guy.

 

In small doses, we can put up with him, but he doesn't know the meaning of small doses. Now he's started to just walk into our house - he even took up residence on the couch one day when we were making love upstairs taking the opportunity of the kids being out and the door was unlocked for the kids coming back in. He must have known what we were doing, but waited for us! Now is that bizarre or what?

 

How do I get rid of him? We have to move in the same circles as him sometimes so I don't want to cause friction but the guy just won't back off. Every reason we give for not doing something he has an answer for.

 

The worst thing is that my husband can't stand the guy either but says it's just easier to go along with it and bear it out, so I will probably end up looking like a possessive bitch if I say something.

 

Help! Before I do or say something I'll regret!

[Outcast]

but says it's just easier to go along with it and bear it out

 

That's ridiculous. This guy is stomping all over your boundaries. Don't make any excuses. Just say no thanks. If you need to, read a book on assertiveness training. The strategy is to keep repeating the same thing; "no thanks, I can't today". If you offer explanations, as you've found out, you get arguments. No matter what he throws at you, just say, no thanks, I can't go today' every time.

 

Sometime when he's in his own home, call him and tell him that you need more time with your husband/family alone and that you'll contact him when you want to get together. Then screen out his calls and don't answer the door if you're not expecting him. And tell him if he ever enters your home again without your permission, you will call the police. It's completely unacceptable and your husband should not be wimping out so pathetically!

[Dookie_Dont]

Yeah you need to slam the door on this guy. Stand up for yourselves. Walks right into your home as he quickly invites himself.

 

Forget that, give him the boot.

[luvtoto]

Well, I am assuming moving again is out of the question... Sounds like this guy is annoying the hell out of you! Causing you and your family lots of tension and stress. Tolerating a person like that can be way more tiresome than running the risk of making an enemy by letting him know how you feel.

 

I think beings you have hung out with him before, he deserves an explanation. Say nicely but matter of factly..."I just don't enjoy the time we spend together and while I don't mind running into you socially, I'm not that interested in a one-on-one hanging out."

[daphne]

Jane,

 

Honestly, I think this guy is probably interested in you and is using your family and your inability to be unkind as a weakness. Does no one watch lifetime? Seriously, you're going to have to be extremely firm with him or he will make your life a living hell. The fact that he walked into your house is extremely creepy, and that he stayed while you were being intimate with your husband should say everything to you.

 

I'm totally with outcast. No excuses, no explanations. you simply say "no, we can't, no I can't, we're busy". Say it over and over and if he doesn't stop tell him you have to get off the phone. He's a bully and will talk you out ofyour explanations and make you feel unreasonable, then really angry at yourself. As a matter of fact, don't answer his calls if you have caller id. Don't answer the door to him. And start locking your doors. This guy is a predator. Normal people do not act this way.

 

Good luck

[JayKay]

His behavior is bordering on pathological.

 

Have you tried talking to his wife about it? She must know him well and might be able to talk to him.

 

If not, you WILL have to be firm and set boundaries. Simply tell him, "Sorry, we're busy..."

 

and the more he tries to change your mind, the more you repeat the same phrase over and over, "Sorry, we're busy"

 

Make it a mantra.

 

He obviously is unaware of more discreet social cues -- people like this require a firm hand or they WILL walk all over you.

[luvtoto]

If he comes to your house at 8am, don't answer the door. Don't inconvenience yourself for someone who obviously doesn't care if he inconveniences you.

[Milo]

Look him in the eye, cock your head back and raise your hand karate chop-style and tell him, "You're fired!"

[runner]

what a freak !

 

i agree with Outcast, and good luck to ya...