Help! he's emotionally abusing me!

[Jennifer283]

Hi I'm jenn, I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend ( soon to be fiance ) for about 3 1/2 years. Things were wonderful until one day he started getting controlling..then that turned into him getting upset when I went out with friends once a month instead of spending that time talking to him. And then, he started blaming me for him yelling at me and putting me down. He tells me he is so in love with me & would do everything for me and doesnt know why I'm " rude to him" and " starting fights" and going out " all the time ". He says it's ME ME ME to blame for why he gets mad at me.

Well, I was looking at websites on the internet for help to see if any other women were going through the same thing ( at DrIrene.com) and it turns out, he has nearly all the signs ( except for physically abusing me ) of an emotional abuser & an over-controlling abuser. Just a few minutes ago we were on the phone, and he said to me he wants to change his degree, and study to be a veteranarian. He asked me a few questions about it and I said, being serious," I don't know sweetheart, I'm not a veteranarian." He then said, " why do I even bother talking to you? You're always in such a bitchy mood, I dont' even know why I'm here right now. I'm going to quit calling you every day. Why are you so sarcastic when I'm just trying to have a decent conversation?" I explained to him I'm not in a bitchy mood & I was being serious and that I really don't know because ( well DUH here, folks I'm not a vet!). And he said whatever and said he had to get off of the phone and he'd call later. I said bye quickly and got off the phone.

When he calls me back, I know he will try to say it's either my fault, or we need to end this, or do something along those lines. He does love me, I know this for sure. Just because he treats me bad, he doesn't realize it. He was raised with parents who used to be down eachothers throats when he was a child. He doesn't know how to control his temper tantrums, I guess. And most of all, he doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

So I'm going to tell him that he needs to see a counselor & get therapy if he wants us to work because I just can't take it anymore.

I don't really know the reason I'm on this board. I Just had the urge to tell someone this. I guess I'm just scared to how he is going to react..and what I'm going to do if I lose him. Because I love him so much I dont' want to give up. But then again, I can't pull this relationship on my own, it's 50/50- he has to do his part. Also, what's the best way to tell him what's on my mind & to tell him to go seek a counselor? And will he do it even? What if he doesn't? And what if he doesn't want this to work anymore, how can I cope with those harsh words of us never getting married?

 

If you're reading this, and have even a small input, please tell me your thoughts and/or advice, it's much needed right now. And please do it quickly, I don't know when he'll call back.( So please..type quickly if you can).

 

Thanks so much,

Jenn

[Martha45243]

I know what your going thru I just don't know hwo to help you sorry. Maybe someone can help the both of us?

 

LUv martha

[Outcast]

Before you say anything to him, call your local domestic violence centre and get advice from them. If you're still in school, your counseling service should be able to help. Some guys with this problem really lose it if you threaten to leave or end the relationship so go ask a counselor for help on how to do this.

[westernxer]

( soon to be fiance )

 

You sure about this?

 

And stop making excuses for the way he treats you, because there aren't any.

 

Oh, and you can't change him either.

[witabix]

He says it's ME ME ME to blame for why he gets mad at me.

 

When he calls me back, I know he will try to say it's either my fault, or we need to end this, or do something along those lines. He does love me, I know this for sure. Just because he treats me bad, he doesn't realize it. He was raised with parents who used to be down eachothers throats when he was a child. He doesn't know how to control his temper tantrums, I guess. And most of all, he doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

................................

I don't really know the reason I'm on this board. I Just had the urge to tell someone this. I guess I'm just scared to how he is going to react..and what I'm going to do if I lose him. Because I love him so much I dont' want to give up. But then again, I can't pull this relationship on my own, it's 50/50- he has to do his part. Also, what's the best way to tell him what's on my mind & to tell him to go seek a counselor? And will he do it even? What if he doesn't? And what if he doesn't want this to work anymore, how can I cope with those harsh words of us never getting married? ..........

 

Jenn

 

I know what is going through this mans mind, a long time ago I had a mind just like it.

 

Don't tell him he needs counselling, if he does not realise this it will infuriate him. He must realise this on his own.

 

Just because he treats me bad, he doesn't realize it.

Yes he does, and he is doing this subconsciously deliberately, if that makes any sense.

 

He was raised with parents who used to be down each others throats when he was a child. He doesn't know how to control his temper tantrums, I guess.

Yes he does, we all do. He has decided that he doesn't want to.

 

Because I love him so much I dont' want to give up.

Then don't.

 

And most of all, he doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

People like this don't, they are fixated on how they are feeling bad, and on how they blame everyone but themselves for how they are feeling.

 

Also, what's the best way to tell him what's on my mind & to tell him to go seek a counselor? And will he do it even? What if he doesn't?

Calmly and evenly. Probably not unless he perceives it to be a problem. Leave him.

 

And what if he doesn't want this to work anymore,

Not your fault, and nothing you can do.

 

how can I cope with those harsh words of us never getting married? ..........

You will cope.

 

You asked questions and I give you my answers. Your questions were based on your situation. My answers were based on being very much like that man. My advice is hard and painful. He is a product of a past/attitudes that are not conducive to a loving relationship, it sounds a lot like me when I was in my early twenties. Maybe wait till he is over forty and has been through a bit of life.

[Cecelius]

Why in the world would you marry someone who acts like this?

 

This is like leaving your front door open wide and then complaining when you get robbed.

 

He's not a good guy. Turn him loose and tell him to get help (before he hits you).

[Kitteney]

Seriously, a guy like this can go from bad to worse and then one morning you wake up dead.

 

My husband was the same way. His doting behavior when we were dating was sweet. Over the course of 10 years, he became more and more controlling, what I could and couldn't wear, who I could and couldn't be friends with, when we would or wouldn't have sex.

 

Later in our relationship he shoved me so hard I lost my balance and hit the floor. He would stand in the doorway of a room and not let me pass until I addressed whatever he was ranting about.

 

The final straw came one night after we had an argument. I had gone off to bed. I was exhausted and couldn't fight anymore. I awoke to find him straddling my body, a pillow over my face and a loaded 9mm pointed at my head.

 

If you two are living together, go to a domestic violence shelter, they will advise you as to how to make your escape. And for the love of God, do NOT let him know you went or let him see any literature you have.

[Jenn238]

I talked it out with him just last night about how I feel about him, and he's getting out of hand. He asked, " Am I really that bad, baby?" and I said, " yes, recently, you're just terrible." Then, he said he wants to change for me and he will do whatever it takes because he loves me. Then, I said what about counseling? And he said, " I know just as much those counselors do, I don't need to go. And so I said maybe he should be put on medicine or something..then later on i told him I'm worried about him and I feel like he's too overcontrolling and that is a type of abuse & He said " No I'm not, that's not me at all - I'd never do that to you." ANd I told him that he was and that it was me honestly telling him the truth and he had to believe me, if he loved me. And so he said If I feel he is abusing me, then I can leave b/c he doesn't want me to suffer. Then, he nearly started crying and said that he doesn't want me to leave him and he's sorry but he didn't realize he was like that and he still wants to marry me. He said he'll work on it. Does anyone know a good medication for that? Like Zoloft or something along those lines? Should I still give him a chance and then if he does it again, leave him?

 

Love,

Jenn

[Kitteney]

One can lead a mate to counseling, but one can't make them think. (just as you can ask for advice yet still make your own decision as to whether you want to accept it or not) If he doesn't think he needs help, what makes you think he will give it his full attention? I can't believe how many people (in general) think they can cure everything by going to counseling, but it's a shining example of Garbage In, Garbage Out. It's only as good as what you are willing to share with your counselor.

 

And then there is the all-elusive "magic pill"... granted some are very beneficial, but again, if he doesn't really think he needs it, is there any way to guarantee he will take it with any regularity? And then you have to worry about "rebounding" from missed doses. If you think it's bad without the meds, it can be exponentially worse if certain medications are abruptly discontinued. Besides, to get the pills, you have to get him to a doctor and that means he would have to accept that he has a problem and would have to disclose the entire story so that the proper drug or drugs can be prescribed.

 

Now he knows you have a problem with his behavior. People like that don't change just because you love them. Oh, he may be kind and caring and sympathetic to your needs--for a while. The sad thing about abusive people is that the abuse starts out mild and worsens over time. Starts with a cruel joke or mean comment. But you overlook it because you looooooooove them. There, now you have just moved your personal boundary to permit that kind of behavior. And it goes on from there.

 

Abuse is a slow and sneaky. Afterall, how many people do you know that winded up marrying the person who knocked their lights out on the first date?

 

If what your original post says is the complete truth, then you know what we have been telling you is right. Would you have posted anything in the first place if you did not think there was a problem? I know you will leave when you've had enough. I just hope it's voluntarily and not in a body bag.

[blind_otter]

You can't change him, it will only get worse, leave while you still can. Yeah it hurts, but what could happen would hurt worse. Then you take a year to get over a relationship that was basically sh*tty to begin with. I wish I could help more.

[Second-best]

I have to agree with most of the other posts. This looks ominous. LEAVE WHILE YOU CAN. Imagine this: Your guy goes to counselling, gets help, (like one post said, in one ear, out the other), and you think he's changed... what if it's just a mask to make you happy? What happens if one night he comes home after a bad day at work? Who will he take it out on? Even people without abusive pasts/problems have tough days and have the urge to throw a briefcase (or hissyfit:( ) But how far would your guy go?

I really hope you take peoples advice and the necessary precaution before you make another move. This isn't just your relationship at stake - it's your future... and your life

[westernxer]

He said he'll work on it.

 

Better buy some protective gear before he beats your ass.

[Craig]

Jenn, call your local domestic violence center and make and appointment for yourself to see an advocate or counselor. Don't call the hot line, call the office. Get some information from them.

 

The only hope your bf has is to get into the RIGHT kind of counseling otherwise it will just get worse and harder for you to leave. He has to muster up the courage to admit that there might be a problem and talk to a counselor that specializes in abuse.

 

Forget medications right now. A pill isn't going to "cure" him, meds might be required but he has to be assessed by a doctor first. There is no magic pill that turns everyone into the perfect mate. Meds are prescribed on an individual basis AND if possible should be used only temporarily while the cause of the symptoms that the meds reduce is dealt with in COUNSELING. There are lots of different kinds of medications that could be used but which medication depends on a doc's assessment of him.

[sparticuss]

People like this normally don't change. (As has already been mentioned)

Which is why something has got me puzzled.

 

You said "things were wonderful untill one day"

 

That means that either he did change, which is rare, or that you were blind to his behaviur at first.

 

Looking back did he change.???

 

Something funny going on here!

[blind_otter]

People like this normally don't change. (As has already been mentioned)

Which is why something has got me puzzled.

 

You said "things were wonderful untill one day"

 

That means that either he did change, which is rare, or that you were blind to his behaviur at first.

 

Looking back did he change.???

 

Something funny going on here!

 

I have a theory that everyone can hide their personality for approximately 4-6months.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I'm sorry Jenn nothing gives him the reason to abuse you physically /mentally he chooses to act this way himself!! He sounds to me that he is insecure ,controlling and a bully and you should reconsider marrying him!! People can change but they have to want to .. but do you think it is possible for him!! Get him into anger mangement classes before pursuing to marry him and then see where things go from there!! It will only get worst when you are married you need to get him some help before he hurts you really bad!!!

[Touche]

If a stupid thing like you saying that you're not a vet sets him off now, then watch out. It would only get WORSE after marriage. Give him a chance if you want to but I think it's a waste of time. And don't you DARE marry someone like this. You will live to regret it. I've been in your shoes but didn't know any better and married.

 

If you do marry him, it will last less than 5 years and it probably escalate to a lot of verbal abuse and yes, it can escalate to physical abuse.

 

Print these posts out and watch out! I agree with the posters here who said you do know why you posted here. Deep down you know that this is not how you should be treated.

 

Just a question. Why did his other relationships end? What are the reasons he gives?

[Bronzepen]

I have a theory that everyone can hide their personality for approximately 4-6months.

 

I agree.

 

You're both not even living together and he seems to pick a fight/argument with you.

 

It's not going to get better once you are both under the same roof.

 

Talk to him but if he refuses to talk or address the issue then you know he is not committed to your relationship.

 

Good Luck.

[Jenn Again238]

K, Thanks guys I'll talk it out with him..and I'm going to see if he's actually going to try to go back to being the man I got with 3 and a half years ago..and if not, that means he didn't want to give it his all and I will be leaving him. Thanks for all ur comments & suggestions. I'm glad to know u all care.

Love,

Jenn

[sparticuss]

I have a theory that everyone can hide their personality for approximately 4-6months.

I have a theory that will annoy the hell out of a blind otter.

 

Love is blind for the first four to six months.

[sparticuss]

Jenn

Be careful when you surf these sites. Some of them are the actual web sites of acredited DV centres. Darebin womens shelter, where I am gettng my information from is acredited for instance.

 

But many of them are nothing more that backyard sites, started by an individual manbasher, with no qualifications whatsoever using the victims of genuine domestic violence as an excuse to go man bashing. They list absolutely all behaviours as abuse. Eg hes bothering you for sex, - thats rape in marriage. Hes not - thats neglect.

 

By all means surf the sites but surf them with an open mind.

 

 

Now the following is going to stir up a real hornets nest but it has to be done in order to take a balanced approach to this business.

 

Otherwise Jenn may as well sell the wedding dress and forget about ever getting married.

 

 

Try this collection, of definitions of battered wives, from the Darebin Community Centre in Northcote Australia

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

• Do you have to account for your time?

• Are you forced to have sex when you don't want to?

• Are you made to feel scared?

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

• Is your partner possessive or jealous?

• Does your partner control you and the money?

Typical examples of wife abuse? Think again.

 

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

 

- The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots. (If a wife threw up in his car, with a touch of morning sickness, and he yelled at her, it would certainly be listed as abuse.)

 

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

 

- The average husband is told what to do by his wife absolutely all the time. Including how to do things that she has no knowledge of.

Something goes wrong and the average wife is promptly screaming at her husband “DO SOMETHING” That’s domestic violence! That’s husband bashing!

(A great many wives still take some sort of sick pride in this paticular form of husband bashing frequently bragging to the girlfriends about how helpless her husband would be if she wasn’t there to tell him what to do. I know I’m gettting confrontational now but how many times have you heard these control freaks, actually boasting about the way that they abuse their husbands in this manner ?)

 

What to wear?

Wife- Does my bum look big in this.

Husband - Yea it does sorta. Doesn't look big in that one and that one makes you look sexier all round.

(Yes! Even though the wife has asked, and even though the final decision is hers, a lot of DV centres still list this sort of innocent conversation as wife bashing.

 

• Do you have to account for your time?

 

- The average husband does have to account for his time. Each and every time he works back late. He’s routinely accused of infidelity even though he’s got the overtime money to prove otherwise. The real truth is that the workplace often feels more like a home than his home. Particularly if home means “walking on eggshells” all the time.

 

• Are you made to feel scared?

 

- The average WIFE is bred and conditioned from the earlies years to view men as vile, and dangerous creatures. So even something as innocent as the husband swearing at the %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car that won't %^&* come un done, is all too often enough to genuinelyconvince the average wife that hes on the verge of hitting her.

When in fact he's completely forgotten her. And every thing els except this %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car.

 

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

 

- The average husband is hit, kicked, and pushed around. The shelters and the law list every angry shove, by a short tempered husband, as wife bashing. Is there a single female on these board who as NEVER, given her man an impatient shove?

 

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

 

- The average husband is very much cut off from family and friends. Her family is welcome in the home, his are not. His friends are usually his workmates and they are not welcomed into the home.

 

 

 

Jenn has certainly got one thing dead right. All of these forms of abuse are still abuse. Blood doesn’t need to flow before abuse occurs.

 

But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband in most of society.

 

A man, even talking back, or expressing his own opinions, is rapidly being listed as a wife basher these days. A wife, continually hurling, both abuse, and kitchen knives, at a husband is rarely listed as a husband basher. Not even when the man is dragged into hospital with a gushing jugular vein. A woman has to actually kill her husband, or her bash victims have to be children before she is charged

[Kitteney]

"But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband in most of society." Sparticuss

 

No wonder why the divorce rate is so high. I wouldn't expect any man to put up with that crap.

[Becoming]

Sorry you've had a bad experience with an abusive woman, Sparticuss.

That kind of emotional abuse was not acceptable to you, obviously, thus proving your point.

 

And I thought the point was to actually respond to the OP about a serious problem.

 

I agree with the anger management. He may just not know how to act because his parents didn't exactly model great behavior, it sounds like.

 

Only time will tell if he's really serious about changing or if it's just words. It's behavior that indicates the seriousness of changing, not merely the words. So watch the behavior, and if it doesn't change in mutually agreed-up, objectively verifiable ways by thus-and-such date, no matter how painful, you'll have to leave.

 

I think you're wise to be wary, though! You can trust your instincts. Only you can know what feels good to you. And this doesn't.

[Saharan]

Hi I'm jenn, I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend ( soon to be fiance ) for about 3 1/2 years. Things were wonderful until one day he started getting controlling..then that turned into him getting upset when I went out with friends once a month instead of spending that time talking to him. And then, he started blaming me for him yelling at me and putting me down. He tells me he is so in love with me & would do everything for me and doesnt know why I'm " rude to him" and " starting fights" and going out " all the time ". He says it's ME ME ME to blame for why he gets mad at me.

Well, I was looking at websites on the internet for help to see if any other women were going through the same thing ( at DrIrene.com) and it turns out, he has nearly all the signs ( except for physically abusing me ) of an emotional abuser & an over-controlling abuser. Just a few minutes ago we were on the phone, and he said to me he wants to change his degree, and study to be a veteranarian. He asked me a few questions about it and I said, being serious," I don't know sweetheart, I'm not a veteranarian." He then said, " why do I even bother talking to you? You're always in such a bitchy mood, I dont' even know why I'm here right now. I'm going to quit calling you every day. Why are you so sarcastic when I'm just trying to have a decent conversation?" I explained to him I'm not in a bitchy mood & I was being serious and that I really don't know because ( well DUH here, folks I'm not a vet!). And he said whatever and said he had to get off of the phone and he'd call later. I said bye quickly and got off the phone.

When he calls me back, I know he will try to say it's either my fault, or we need to end this, or do something along those lines. He does love me, I know this for sure. Just because he treats me bad, he doesn't realize it. He was raised with parents who used to be down eachothers throats when he was a child. He doesn't know how to control his temper tantrums, I guess. And most of all, he doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

So I'm going to tell him that he needs to see a counselor & get therapy if he wants us to work because I just can't take it anymore.

I don't really know the reason I'm on this board. I Just had the urge to tell someone this. I guess I'm just scared to how he is going to react..and what I'm going to do if I lose him. Because I love him so much I dont' want to give up. But then again, I can't pull this relationship on my own, it's 50/50- he has to do his part. Also, what's the best way to tell him what's on my mind & to tell him to go seek a counselor? And will he do it even? What if he doesn't? And what if he doesn't want this to work anymore, how can I cope with those harsh words of us never getting married?

 

If you're reading this, and have even a small input, please tell me your thoughts and/or advice, it's much needed right now. And please do it quickly, I don't know when he'll call back.( So please..type quickly if you can).

 

Thanks so much,

Jenn

 

I only read your post, not the whole thread. Leave. NOW. And don't look back. You're young, you've just discovered how an abuser gets started, don't wait for more. Get out while you can.

[sparticuss]

Sorry you've had a bad experience with an abusive woman, Sparticuss.

n't.

 

Ke bang! Dead wrong becoming!

 

Don't assume! Big mistake.

 

I'm single and that means sharing house with a few guys.

But, because battered husband shelters are almost non existent, share houses like mine attract seperated husband desperate for a room . ie They become de facto battered husbands shelters.

 

And thats where I get my experiece.

It doesn't go down well wiht guys like me when the police are continually visiting because the ex wife is dishing them a pack of lies about the ex stalking them. The police know that they are being used as private gon squads by these ex wives but theres nothing they can do about it.

 

It doesn't go down well when I've seen scars on these men but they are the ones facing wife bash charges. At least they are untill the day comes to front court and the ex wife suddenly drops all charges before she cna be cross examined, and the court can prove that she is the basher.

 

My knowledge and experience is all second hand. But its exensive.