Help! he's emotionally abusing me!

[sparticuss]

"But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband in most of society." Sparticuss

 

No wonder why the divorce rate is so high. I wouldn't expect any man to put up with that crap.

 

Kittney

Next time your girlfriends are talking about their guys listen hard.

 

You may be surprised at the number who are already dishing this crap on thier men and boasting about it.

 

You only notice it the first time if you are aware that it goes on. After the first time you start noiticing it everywhere and realise how widespread it really is.

[sparticuss]

Ok jenn

Time to dissect your first post with a whole mess of questions.

Two warnings

 

1/ Don't write anything into my questins that isn't there. If it isn't written then it isn't implied.

 

2/ I don't need answers to these questions. You do.

 

 

Hi I'm jenn, I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend ( soon to be fiance ) for about 3 1/2 years. Things were wonderful until one day he started getting controlling..then that turned into him getting upset when I went out with friends once a month instead of spending that time talking to him.

 

 

- Question. Did you just go out with friends or did you cancel dates and break promises in order to go out with friends.?

 

 

And then, he started blaming me for him yelling at me and putting me down.

 

 

- Question. Exactly how was he putting you down? Female egos are often so fragile that guys can't even open the mouths withint the females taking offence or seeing it as a put down.

 

 

He tells me he is so in love with me & would do everything for me and doesnt know why I'm " rude to him"

 

 

Question. Once again what are you sayign or doing that he calls rude? Or does he just say you are being rude without expalining why.?

 

and " starting fights" and going out " all the time ". He says it's ME ME ME to blame for why he gets mad at me.

 

Queston. - And yet again. Exactly what,if anything, are you accused of doing that gets him so mad.

 

eg If my gf accused me of infedility every time I looked at another girl but persisted in calling mutual masturbation with a stranger, in the middle of the dance floor, flirting then I'd get mad too.

 

 

Well, I was looking at websites on the internet for help to see if any other women were going through the same thing ( at DrIrene.com) and it turns out, he has nearly all the signs ( except for physically abusing me ) of an emotional abuser & an over-controlling abuser. Just a few minutes ago we were on the phone, and he said to me he wants to change his degree, and study to be a veteranarian. He asked me a few questions about it and I said, being serious," I don't know sweetheart, I'm not a veteranarian."

 

---- This is career pressure as well as a control freak. The correct answer is to keep things in perspective. eg "Sweetheart. Just making it into college is doing allright. Do whatever you think is best and it will work mostly because you are agonising between two right decisions. So yo cant go wrong"

 

He then said, " why do I even bother talking to you? You're always in such a bitchy mood, I dont' even know why I'm here right now. I'm going to quit calling you every day. Why are you so sarcastic when I'm just trying to have a decent conversation?" I explained to him I'm not in a bitchy mood & I was being serious and that I really don't know because ( well DUH here, folks I'm not a vet!). And he said whatever and said he had to get off of the phone and he'd call later. I said bye quickly and got off the phone.

 

When he calls me back, I know he will try to say it's either my fault, or we need to end this, or do something along those lines. He does love me, I know this for sure.

 

 

Just because he treats me bad, he doesn't realize it. He was raised with parents who used to be down eachothers throats when he was a child. He doesn't know how to control his temper tantrums, I guess. And most of all, he doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

 

Question. Do you listen to him. I mean seriously listen, if he talks? At normal level. And not at a million deceibels.

 

 

So I'm going to tell him that he needs to see a counselor & get therapy if he wants us to work because I just can't take it anymore.

I don't really know the reason I'm on this board. I Just had the urge to tell someone this. I guess I'm just scared to how he is going to react..and what I'm going to do if I lose him. Because I love him so much I dont' want to give up. But then again, I can't pull this relationship on my own, it's 50/50- he has to do his part. Also, what's the best way to tell him what's on my mind & to tell him to go seek a counselor? And will he do it even? What if he doesn't? And what if he doesn't want this to work anymore, how can I cope with those harsh words of us never getting married?

 

Question - Do you love him or do you love the wedding dress.

 

If you're reading this, and have even a small input, please tell me your thoughts and/or advice, it's much needed right now. And please do it quickly, I don't know when he'll call back.( So please..type quickly if you can).

[lindya]

. And then, he started blaming me for him yelling at me and putting me down. He tells me he is so in love with me & would do everything for me and doesnt know why I'm " rude to him" and " starting fights" and going out " all the time ". He says it's ME ME ME to blame for why he gets mad at me.

 

It's always a worry when someone seeks to blame their partner for "making" them lose their temper. If things are getting to the stage where he's feeling so angry and out of control that he's yelling at you and putting you down all the time, then he always has the option of ending the relationship with you.

 

Obviously, communication is a two way process. If you do want to try to make the relationship work, and he's agreeable to learning how to manage his anger, then that will be something he needs support with...and that will involve both of you working out a more acceptable way of communicating with eachother.

 

Unless he starts to recognises that he's an adult and has to "own" his behaviour, however, I think you'd do well to think hard about whether you can really live with someone like this...and consider the possibility that the longer you stay together, the worse it could get.

[Jenn2348]

Hey this is Jenn again.

to answer some of everyone's questions:

 

I always listen to what he has to say and I'm always supportive of it, even if I Don't agree with it.

 

I don't go out all of the time with friends..I was with my friend, Michelle(that I"ve been friends with for 3 or 4 years) that I haven't seen in 2 or 3 months and we spent an hour together. That was the only time I was out. He on the other hand, has gone to 5 concerts with his " guy and girl buddies" and I wasn't there, studies at his other friends houses every weekend and 2 hours every other day of the week..Now I'M the one going out all of the time? And I asked him this, and he stated " I don't know..it just seems like it." Oh and the hard thing was, he called me and wouldn't let me get off of the phone with Michelle while I was with her until the last 15 minutes at the restaraunt to eat our food that we ordered! Then later, he said he didn't want me talking toher anymore. ( Controlling or normal?)And I asked why and he said He said he just sensed something ' bad about her'. I said, no baby she's been my best friend my entire life, you've never even spend a day with her, baby.. Then started crying.I hated that day..

 

ANd yes, I love him more than anything. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't and I take love very seriously. And he loves me too, this I know for sure. I don't know..i've been wondering if there is another girl with him. Because he's been goign out more frequently & that's when the changes started takign place and his anger outrages. But I'm rarely at his apartment so I have absolutely no idea how to figure out if he is.

 

I'm very confused. It sure would explain alot.

 

Please continue your loving support & advice. It's appreciated.

Love,

Jenn

[Kitteney]

Kittney

Next time your girlfriends are talking about their guys listen hard.

 

You may be surprised at the number who are already dishing this crap on thier men and boasting about it.

 

You only notice it the first time if you are aware that it goes on. After the first time you start noiticing it everywhere and realise how widespread it really is.

 

 

Upon reflection, I can honestly say I have not heard any of my gal pals "boasting". But I'll keep my ears open.

[sparticuss]

Upon reflection, I can honestly say I have not heard any of my gal pals "boasting". But I'll keep my ears open.

 

Upon re refection its a good five years since I've actually heard any girls boasting in this manner too . So attitudes may well be changing.

 

Before that it was quite common.

[blind_otter]

Ke bang! Dead wrong becoming!

 

Don't assume! Big mistake.

 

I'm single and that means sharing house with a few guys.

But, because battered husband shelters are almost non existent, share houses like mine attract seperated husband desperate for a room . ie They become de facto battered husbands shelters.

 

And thats where I get my experiece.

It doesn't go down well wiht guys like me when the police are continually visiting because the ex wife is dishing them a pack of lies about the ex stalking them. The police know that they are being used as private gon squads by these ex wives but theres nothing they can do about it.

 

It doesn't go down well when I've seen scars on these men but they are the ones facing wife bash charges. At least they are untill the day comes to front court and the ex wife suddenly drops all charges before she cna be cross examined, and the court can prove that she is the basher.

 

My knowledge and experience is all second hand. But its exensive.

 

Okkkkaaay. Honestly, men can do more damage than women. I'm just saying. I had a bad experience. So I err on the side of caution. I thought this thread was about this woman's issue. If you have another issue to disucss you're welcome to start another thread.

 

From personal experience, though, the last thing a DV sufferer needs to hear is lectures and statistics.

[High Contrast]

Okkkkaaay. Honestly, men can do more damage than women.

 

Why do you say that? Women pick up and throw lamps; men are trained from infancy never to fight back.

[Becoming]

I don't go out all of the time with friends..I was with my friend, Michelle(that I"ve been friends with for 3 or 4 years) that I haven't seen in 2 or 3 months and we spent an hour together. That was the only time I was out. He on the other hand, has gone to 5 concerts with his " guy and girl buddies" and I wasn't there, studies at his other friends houses every weekend and 2 hours every other day of the week..Now I'M the one going out all of the time? And I asked him this, and he stated " I don't know..it just seems like it." Oh and the hard thing was, he called me and wouldn't let me get off of the phone with Michelle while I was with her until the last 15 minutes at the restaraunt to eat our food that we ordered! Then later, he said he didn't want me talking toher anymore. ( Controlling or normal?)And I asked why and he said He said he just sensed something ' bad about her'. I said, no baby she's been my best friend my entire life, you've never even spend a day with her, baby.. Then started crying.I hated that day..

 

This is a huge warning sign for me. This is definitely controlling and not normal. Back off and watch at least, if you don't choose to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

[blind_otter]

Why do you say that? Women pick up and throw lamps; men are trained from infancy never to fight back.

 

Yeah. Well. None of my exboyfriends.

 

Physically, men are bigger, more aggressive, and none of the men I have experience with withheld their anger physically. The experience I was referring to involved my exboyfriend trying to strangle one of my friends to death.

[High Contrast]

Yeah. Well. None of my exboyfriends.

 

Physically, men are bigger, more aggressive, and none of the men I have experience with withheld their anger physically. The experience I was referring to involved my exboyfriend trying to strangle one of my friends to death.

 

Well that's terrible! I hope your friend is fine.

 

Statistically I think the numbers are roughly even.

[lilguiltyone]

i went through what i saw to be emotional abuse from my recent ex and i ended up cheating on him because i couldnt bring myself to end it. i wanted to be with someone who didnt abuse me but didnt have the guts to stand up for myself until i found somone else. dont let this happen to you. be upfront and honest with what you will and will not put up with.

wish i had done that

[sparticuss]

Why do you say that? Women pick up and throw lamps; men are trained from infancy never to fight back.

This time I have to disagree Contrast.

It comes bac to the individual and the individual upbringing.

 

At a PUBLIC and SOCIAL level its still (but rapidly decreasing) socially acceptable for women t throw tantrums and lamps, ( I keep a few baby pacifiers/dummies, handy to throw at these women to show them what babies they are making of themselves ) and not socially acceptable for men.

 

But at a domestic and police level. That comes down to the individual

 

eg. We all know of batterd wives who have lied through their teeth and who havne't got a scratch or scar to show. But nobody talkes about battered husbands who are also lying. Because it isn't talke about. But that doens't mean it doest happen. Of course it happens.

[sparticuss]

Okkkkaaay. Honestly, men can do more damage than women. I'm just saying. I had a bad experience. So I err on the side of caution. I thought this thread was about this woman's issue. If you have another issue to disucss you're welcome to start another thread.

 

From personal experience, though, the last thing a DV sufferer needs to hear is lectures and statistics.

 

You thought wrong Otter. This thread IS about this womans issue. But it's ALSO about the issue of emotional abuse in general. (As I pointedout earlier, blood doesn't need to flow before its abuse)

 

And, from personal experience Otter, you should be able to empathise with the batterd husbands on this board.

The last thing that they ever need, while still inhospital recovering from their kitchen knife wounds, is the unrelenting public barrage of lectures and statistics, by the TV stations, solely about violence against women. Lectures conducted by women who claim to be batterd wives, who rant and rave what a %^&* their ex was, but, when questioned, the absolute worst thing he ever did, after years of her abuse, was to shove her.

 

Otter. It's about abuse in relationships. All forms of abuse, all sexes, and all relationships.

 

 

Oh! The strangualtion attempt!

I have to trot out the statistics again.

 

When it comes to emotional abuse its the women who are the aubsers.

When it comes to a punch up its the men.

When it comes to attempted murder, paticularly with weapons, its the women again. (Mostly the kitchen knife. Notthe rolling pin.)

[Becoming]

Abuse of any kind by any gender is not OK. Period. Yes, men are abused too.

 

The thing that disturbs me is that a woman has a specific problem she needs help with. A man comes on and starts talking about men being abused, too, and suddenly we're all supposed to stop the conversation and deal with him and his issues.

 

Why is that? Because men's problems take precedence over women's?

 

Sparticuss has an interesting issue, one that merits starting another thread in abuse, where there is a thread on male victims of DV he could greatly contribute to.

 

But let's not get off the track here.

[blind_otter]

Abuse of any kind by any gender is not OK. Period. Yes, men are abused too.

 

The thing that disturbs me is that a woman has a specific problem she needs help with. A man comes on and starts talking about men being abused, too, and suddenly we're all supposed to stop the conversation and deal with him and his issues.

 

Why is that? Because men's problems take precedence over women's?

 

Sparticuss has an interesting issue, one that merits starting another thread in abuse, where there is a thread on male victims of DV he could greatly contribute to.

 

But let's not get off the track here.

 

Word. Start another thread specifically about your issue. Let her have her own thread.

[Outcast]

And he loves me too, this I know for sure.

 

No you don't. Love is about cherishing and treating someone well. If a person does not treat you well, ten thousand "I love you"s, ten thousand dozen roses, and a ten thousand dollar ring are all lies.

[Anonymous]

Jennifer, you will probably (and have probably already heard this a zillion times) but you are young .........GET OUT OF THAT BAD RELATIONSHIP. Take it from someone that has been in that same exact situation for 6 years with the exact kind of man. Don't waste any more of your youth and your time on him. And don't make excuses for why he is the way he is with you. I met my "whatever in the hell you want to call him" six years ago ( i was 25 and now i am 32) and he seemed fairly normal on the outside until I got to know him. Later on I discovered that was he was pathological liar, a cheater and he abused me physically (in the beginning). And to top it all off he blamed the fact that he had a drug user for a mother and no father around to raise him and his young brother up (who also happens to be a train wreck too) on his crazy behaviour. I later discovered that as tragic as all of that sounds...he used that as an excuse and played on my feelings for years. The truth is.....their childhood may have screwed them up a bit but these men are damaged internally and there is no amount of love, counseling (tried that) or you trying to change yourself or you trying to say the right things will ever help.... IT'S HIM ......not you. Take it from me.... years will begin to pass like a blur and you will still be {like me} with this person having the same arguments and you making a million excuses to yourself, friends and family (and taking anti-depressants) about why you stayed so long. The most valuable lesson to take from this is......men will dish out anything and if you take it you'll take anything....

[sparticuss]

No you don't. Love is about cherishing and treating someone well. If a person does not treat you well, ten thousand "I love you"s, ten thousand dozen roses, and a ten thousand dollar ring are all lies.

 

Absoloutely rip snorter spot on there Outcast.

You want ten dozen roses? I got three dozen climbing rose bushes round the fences. The prickles keep out the feral cats.

 

But I couldn't resist addding something. Taking somebody for granted, can be a sign of committment just as much as a sign of neglet. Things like forgetting the annerversiary but buying a few roses for no other reason that they are on special. Thats taking for granted but thats still love.

 

As for the continuious, "I love you" well??? A parrott can be trained to say that.

 

 

I've asked a lot of difficult questions in these postings. Here's another.

 

How do you KNOW he loves you??? And if you can't take up at least half a page, in answering it, then he doesn't.

[sparticuss]

Word. Start another thread specifically about your issue. Let her have her own thread.

 

Emotional abuse! That is what the thread is about is it not? Wife or husband bashing.

 

Just hang about a post and I'm going back and grab the first posting and gender reverse it to see how much it looks like a female with a bad dose of PMS.

 

If it does then this guy should be seeing a regular doctor, not a counseller. PMS is a chemical imbalance in the hormones and male hormones go out of balance too.

[sparticuss]

Right then folks. Gender reversing time. See if this sounds like a bad dose of PMS and if its a job for a few hormone treatments.

 

Hi I'm Jim, I'm 22 and I've been with my girlfriend ( soon to be fiance ) for about 3 1/2 years. Things were wonderful until one day she started getting controlling..then that turned into her getting upset when I went out with a few buddies once a month instead of spending that time talking to her. And then, she started blaming me for her yelling at me and putting me down. She tells me she is so in love with me & would do everything for me and doesnt know why I'm " rude to her" and " starting fights" and going out " all the time ". She says it's ME ME ME to blame for why she gets mad at me.

. Just a few minutes ago we were on the phone, and she said to me she wants to change her degree, and study to be a veteranarian. She asked me a few questions about it and I said, being serious," I don't know sweetheart, I'm not a veteranarian." She then said, " why do I even bother talking to you? You're always in such a rotten mood, I dont' even know why I'm here right now. I'm going to quit calling you every day. Why are you so sarcastic when I'm just trying to have a decent conversation?" I explained to her I'm not in a rotten mood & I was being serious and that I really don't know because ( well DUH here, folks I'm not a vet!). And she said whatever and said she had to get off of the phone and she'd call later. I said bye quickly and got off the phone.

When she calls me back, I know she will try to say it's either my fault, or we need to end this, or do something along those lines. She does love me, I know this for sure. Just because she treats me bad, he doesn't realize it. She was raised with parents who used to be down eachothers throats when she was a child. She doesn't know how to control her temper tantrums, I guess. And most of all, she doesn't know how to listen to what I'm feeling and what I have to say anymore.

 

If you're reading this, and have even a small input, please tell me your thoughts and/or advice, it's much needed right now. And please do it quickly, I don't know when he'll call back.( So please..type quickly if you can).

 

Thanks for listening,

Jim

 

 

Crikey! The more I gender reverse this the more it does look like a female in a permanant state of PMS.

 

This could well be a job for a few tests of hormone imbalance. I dont' think it's upbringing at all.

[blind_otter]

Bunk. This isn't about the general topic of emotional abuse, and you know it. It's about this woman's issue.

 

That said, I'll repeat my advice. You can't change him. Leave while you still can.

[sparticuss]

Bunk. This isn't about the general topic of emotional abuse, and you know it. It's about this woman's issue.

 

That said, I'll repeat my advice. You can't change him. Leave while you still can.

 

Bunk yourself otter. This is aboout three issue

- Abuse in relationships

- Emotional abuse generally

- This womans emotional abuse.

 

Having said that I wil say this. For all the grizzling about lack of male committment it is in fact the females that are both walking out and advising one another to walk out of relationships no matter how serious or how trivial the problem is.

 

(I warn you right now don't stomp off and leave him like a child taking her ball and stomping off home and expecting to still be freinds the next day. If you leave him you leave him for good.)

 

You cant actually MAKE him love you if he doesn't. If you believe he does then both he and you will BOTH be prepared to work together to fix this.

Counselling is a big frig. A simple blood test will determin any hormone imbalance. Something that a lot of women with PMS problems should, (and often do ) have. I f the blood test is negative, then counselling.

And only if all else fails seperation.

 

One thing though. Put the wedding on hold for a year untill this is sorted out. If I loved you and you wanted to hold off the weddding, but nothing else, then I would have no problem waiting .

[Jenniffer23888]

Thankyou guys, you're making this alot easier to deal with.

 

love,

Jenn