kryptoknight Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Yeah, its been 3 months since we broke up. The reason why is because she cheated on me and I dumped her. She doesn't want to lose me completely and still wanna stay friends with me after that. I tried to move on and cut down the communication, but she still contacted me and asking for help with her car problems. I tried to tell her to ask someone else like her friends and her dad, but she dosn't wanna call her dad and she said that she doesn't have much friends that will help her even her current bf she admitted that he doesn't know any **** about cars. I still love her and deep inside I have feelings for her but I tried to move on and forget about her and thats something I can't just throw it away, shes my first love. Im confused and I don't know if Im doing the right thing of helping her at times like this. Im not helping her financially, but I only hlped her to boost her car a few times and drive her to the store to get things she needed. Today we ended up going for lunch together. On our way to drop her home, we talked about hows life with her new guy and I gave her advice that they should help each other. I asked her in order to get things easier financially, she should get married with her new bf so that they can both share expenses and rents, she told me that the guy wants to marry her, but she said that she doesn't wanna get married wit him and she hates him sometimes. She even told me stories about how they fight, like hes throwing beer bottles at her. She said that she doesn't wanna get married with him, but likes some qualities about him. After I doped her home and boosted her car again, she opened her arms and asking me to give her a hug...I hugged her for the first time after 3 months. Im not sure if I should waste my time helping her,,,I tried to put aside whatever happend in the past, and just help her as a friend, but its hard sometimes because I haven't moved on completely and still looking for a new g/f . I need advice guys, I dunno what to do sometimes, I feel bad if I turn her down and not offering help even if I can help her. Link to post Share on other sites
bigbrowneyes Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Well, based on my experience I'd recommend letting go completely. My X cheated on me as well. I broke up with him when I found out. He continued to contact me and because I missed him so much, I responded. In a matter of 6 months he had me right back in the same situation. I let my guard down because I was experiencing some other issues with my son's illness combined with the fact that I missed him so much. He worked really hard to prove that he made a huge mistake and that he changed. He couldn't do enough for me and in an effort to build trust, told me his wear abouts throughout the day. He even took the initiative to make our counseling appointments. After about 6 months of being reunited, things reverted to the way they were previously. I broke up with him in October after finding that he shared a hotel room with a female who he employs. What I learned from this experience is that it takes alot for people to change who they really are. In my opinion, it would have been best for us to have absolutely no contact in order to grow and learn from our experiences. If I had an opportunity to do it over again, I would have followed the NC rule! Instead I spent another rocky year in a relationship that never evolved. My heart is broken for the second time and I'm sad and angry that I wasn't strong enough to realize that just loving each other isn't enough sometimes. A strong relationship is built on trust and open communication...something some people are incapable of. Being friends with the X can really be hard on you emotionally. Remember the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And as an example, look what she's doing to her current bf...discussing her relationship problems with another person rather than going to her bf to build the relationship. Do you think you'd be exempt from this behavior if you get back together. She sounds like she has some issues that she needs to address and it's ultimately effecting you. Give it a rest and do something nice for yourself. You may find more comfort in focusing on your life without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kryptoknight Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 Thanks, Theres alot of things Im not aware of when it comes to this kind of problem. Its my first time to be in this situation and Im all confused where did I go wrong, I did mostly everything just to make her happy,,,I've been passive enough for her. After 3 years it all went down the drain, I already made plans for our future and talked about marriage, but I guess it was just all talk...I just feel bad when I let people down when they need help. Link to post Share on other sites
bigbrowneyes Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Kryptoknight, Stop blaming yourself for what's happened here. You cannot be responsible for the choices that she makes. You can only be responsible for the way your respond. Take a stand and be strong in your convictions. You were not placed on this earth be taken advantage of because you have a soft heart. I agree that helping others is important and when someone is in need than surely step up...but in this situation she is clearly taking advantage of your kindness because she know she can. Devote your energies to others more deserving of you kind hearted nature. Maybe think about volunteering to coach a kids sport league or donate your time to be a big brother for a child that has no father. These are people who truly need help. Your X has the ability to call a tow truck and a mechanic when her vehicle fails her. Does she feel bad that she let you down when she broke your heart? Be strong and enforce the NC rule. I know you've probably been reading about the effectiveness of NC on LS...I wish I would have read this forum a year ago because I'd be healed by this point. Take care and be strong. You can do this and 6 months from now you'll wonder why you invested more of yourself than you are getting in return. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Im confused and I don't know if Im doing the right thing of helping her at times like this. Im not helping her financially, but I only hlped her to boost her car a few times and drive her to the store to get things she needed. Today we ended up going for lunch together. On our way to drop her home, we talked about hows life with her new guy and I gave her advice that they should help each other. All this because she needed help with her car. One call to AAA could save you a lot of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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