Re: Married to an alchoholic

[Diane]

I've been married for 7 years, to an alchoholic. He is a hard worker and I know he loves me, but when he's drunk, I can't stand him. He is not physically abusive, but verbal - about every other time. The drinking is about 2-3 times a week. My patience is wearing thin. Not to mention he needs, or wants, pills or some other form of drug along with his drinking. He seems to think it makes him "Not seem so drunk!" Let me also state that he about a year ago hired a prostitute while I was visiting my family in another state. Which was not the first time, but it hasn't happened since. Question is, I have been talking to a male friend that I have known for about 13 years. I had always been head heels for him, but it never worked out because I moved (for work) after I graduated. For over a year now, we have been talking on a weekly basis. This guy is wonderful, and has every quality in a man that I am looking for and more. I feel something for him that I have NEVER felt for anyone before. He also is in a miserable relationship, but is not married. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great guy, but I do want to have children some day, and I get sick of crying every weekend, because he didn't come home all night or drove home drunk from who knows where. He said he has no intention of ever quitting drinking and that's the way I met him. I met him when I was 18 and he was 22. Not ever knowing an alchoholic, I figured he'd grow out of it. What should I do??

 

[little d]

Hi Diane

 

What should you do...get out of it!

 

I can tell you a bit from a different point of view.

 

I'm 23 years old. I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addict father that you have explained exactly as your husband. Only differance is I can't help but feel happy it was physical and not as much verbal. The bruises from verbal abuse never heal. My Dad said he would never stop and he hasn't. He's a very lonely man now. He lost two wives and almost three children before he realized the problems he had. My step mom was going through the same thing you are. She met back up with a man she felt comfortable with and ended up leaving my Dad. I love my step mom dearly and I am so happy she made this decision, for her not because I wish pain on my Dad. They are still together after 10 years. It is not wrong! No one ever deserves to be treated this way! Ever! He wont grow out of it. He needs proffesional help (not pills!!)and it doesn't sound like he wants to get it.It doesn't change and it doesn't mean he isn't a good man it means you do not need to live with this kind of abuse. I love my Dad dearly for who he is and along with that I except his problems, now, but as a little girl it was impossible to understand why daddy hurts us.

 

Abuse,adultry! Please leave this relationship before it is the end of you or there IS children involved. You can't help him untill he wants to help himself! If he isn't willing to do it why should you worry for him and be in tears all of the time.

 

Definatley pursue this friend of yours! This is your wake up call. Just take it slow and maintain your friendship untill you are both physically and mentally ready to give each other what you deserve and need.

 

Your husband needs help you can't give him. Think of yourself. Please Please. You deserve happiness and respect and trust go get it!

 

I wish you all the best

 

may God bless you in all your hard times!

 

d

[Taressa]

There's an old saying...

 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

But I do believe you need to make some moves in your life so that your husband faces some consequences for the behavior he is bringing home to you. Show him that your peace of mind is important to you by enforcing some rules - - boundaries, if you will, to protect the things dear to you.

 

I'm not suggesting you leave him, only that you choose penalties that will mean something to him - - physical distance, emotional distance, whatever it might be that will make him feel the consequence for his verbal abuse and other poor behavior.

 

I believe with some strong stands on your behalf that your marriage (and your husband) could be saved. I understand it's a pretty crummy marriage right now. I understand you miss the gentle niceness of an interested man. But you made a promise to be faithful to your husband. Don't join another failing situation with this other tempting man; you are better than that. You are stronger than that.

[Diane]

There's an old saying... Two wrongs don't make a right. But I do believe you need to make some moves in your life so that your husband faces some consequences for the behavior he is bringing home to you. Show him that your peace of mind is important to you by enforcing some rules - - boundaries, if you will, to protect the things dear to you. I'm not suggesting you leave him, only that you choose penalties that will mean something to him - - physical distance, emotional distance, whatever it might be that will make him feel the consequence for his verbal abuse and other poor behavior. I believe with some strong stands on your behalf that your marriage (and your husband) could be saved. I understand it's a pretty crummy marriage right now. I understand you miss the gentle niceness of an interested man. But you made a promise to be faithful to your husband. Don't join another failing situation with this other tempting man; you are better than that. You are stronger than that.

Thank you for your response. Don't get me wrong I have been 100% faithful to him and still am. But I have made every effort to make a stand with him. And he'll be sorry and say it'll never happen again, but it always does. Whether or not someone else is involved, is this a healty marriage?

[Diane]

Hi Diane What should you do...get out of it! I can tell you a bit from a different point of view. I'm 23 years old. I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addict father that you have explained exactly as your husband. Only differance is I can't help but feel happy it was physical and not as much verbal. The bruises from verbal abuse never heal. My Dad said he would never stop and he hasn't. He's a very lonely man now. He lost two wives and almost three children before he realized the problems he had. My step mom was going through the same thing you are. She met back up with a man she felt comfortable with and ended up leaving my Dad. I love my step mom dearly and I am so happy she made this decision, for her not because I wish pain on my Dad. They are still together after 10 years. It is not wrong! No one ever deserves to be treated this way! Ever! He wont grow out of it. He needs proffesional help (not pills!!)and it doesn't sound like he wants to get it.It doesn't change and it doesn't mean he isn't a good man it means you do not need to live with this kind of abuse. I love my Dad dearly for who he is and along with that I except his problems, now, but as a little girl it was impossible to understand why daddy hurts us. Abuse,adultry! Please leave this relationship before it is the end of you or there IS children involved. You can't help him untill he wants to help himself! If he isn't willing to do it why should you worry for him and be in tears all of the time. Definatley pursue this friend of yours! This is your wake up call. Just take it slow and maintain your friendship untill you are both physically and mentally ready to give each other what you deserve and need. Your husband needs help you can't give him. Think of yourself. Please Please. You deserve happiness and respect and trust go get it! I wish you all the best may God bless you in all your hard times!

 

d

Thank you for writing back to me. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.

[quankanne]

my heart goes out to you, I too am married to an alcoholic. We'd been married for about six years when I started thinking that maybe the grass was greener on the other side, that maybe being married to him was a mistake... He's basically a good fellow who didn't seem to realize that there were other ways to handle problems rather than drink. Anyhow, I'd gotten to the point where I didn't want to really be around him, but didn't want to consider divorce, being the good little Mexican Catholic that I am.

 

Long story short, we got help (though Marriage Encounter). Although he still has his moments, they've become far and few in between, because he realizes that every little action he or I make that is a selfish one, well, it's not good for the marriage.

 

It's going to take a lot of hard work to help an alcoholic spouse see what exactly he's doing to your relationship, and a lot of tears, too. But, you need to decide if you really and truly believe your marriage can survive this. If it is, get professional help: Al Anon, counseling, etc. When he says he's sorry, make sure he understands just exactly how he's hurt you, and how it hurts him too. His drunken behavior effects everyone, and there are consequences that are going to affect him, too.

 

Before you make such a final decision of leaving him, give your marriage every chance you can. If it doesn't work out, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave it your best try.

 

good luck, and keep us posted,

 

jo anne

[Taressa]

Hi Diane,

 

No. It is not a healthy marriage but from what you've written, I don't believe it is a hopeless case. I believe that with more time, more patience, and more enforcing your own boundaries to make him bear his own consequence for his drunkenness, your husband may be able to overcome his problems.

 

I'm not intending at all to say that you should stand in his presence and gladly bear the verbal abuse from him. Perhaps that is one thing you could choose to do now - - to be unavailable to him while he is drunk or under drug influence. And I don't believe you should set your guard down when the drink/drugs wear off and he becomes Mr. Nice Husband again. It's hard for a sober man to face the ugliness of his drunkenness... don't let your husband off the hook so easily. He has broken his promise to be better before; he will break that promise again. Be strong even when he is being gentle.

 

Diane, I really hesitate to offer much more advice since I don't know either your husband or yourself. All I know is that I've known people who have worked through this situation. It took strength. It took patience. It took time. It took some outside help.

 

I'm glad you've remained faithful to your husband. It shows great character and integrity on your behalf. Just be on your guard with this other man. Affairs happen easily in this situation.

 

Diane, have hope. You can build something beautiful again.

[little d]

Diane, Taressa, Quankanne

 

OK, yeah blah blah support your husband. Go to a meeting.

 

Come on!!!! Quankanne it's great your husband wanted to get help. Taressa in a pefect world you have the perfect solution.

 

This has nothing to do with where the grass is greener.

 

If he was willing to help himself there is hope for your marriage.Period.

 

If not how much does one person have to go through. How hurt does one person have to get before it's enough. How much weight does one person have to carry. How many times does he have to hire a flippin hooker. Until he brings home a desease?! How many times does it take to be put down. Until there is absolutely no self esteem left? Until you sit and think I deserve this because it makes it easier to deal with.

 

7 years! What wait for 20.30. Six kids.

 

They/you both made vows tell me where HE has honored those vows before you hit Diane up on hers.

 

It's sounds like you guys are saying Diane doesn't deserve to be in a happy, HEALTHY, non-abusive, monogomus marriage.

 

He is the only one that can admit he has a problem and until he does it is a losing battle.

 

There comes a time you have to think about yourself and your safety. The safety of the children you want to have.

 

It took for me to be in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years at the age of 21. On one of my stay at my Dads with bruises to get away times, my Dad sat me down and through tears finally admitted to his problems, apologized to me, and told me alot of things he did and thought. All he lost. He said he didn't want me to go through that. This was the first time he talked about it or he admitted anything. My brothers, me, my Dad and step-mom went to flippin meetings for years. I ended the relationship and since I have never been happier. It took my Dad 40 years!!!!

 

They say sometimes it takes people to hit rock bottom before they go back up.

 

Diane your young, you have your whole life ahead spend it being happy. The time will come when your husband will realize he has a problem. Your the only one that can determine if this is a possibility while your still around.

 

Take Care!!

 

d

[Diane]

Diane, Taressa, Quankanne OK, yeah blah blah support your husband. Go to a meeting. Come on!!!! Quankanne it's great your husband wanted to get help. Taressa in a pefect world you have the perfect solution. This has nothing to do with where the grass is greener. If he was willing to help himself there is hope for your marriage.Period. If not how much does one person have to go through. How hurt does one person have to get before it's enough. How much weight does one person have to carry. How many times does he have to hire a flippin hooker. Until he brings home a desease?! How many times does it take to be put down. Until there is absolutely no self esteem left? Until you sit and think I deserve this because it makes it easier to deal with. 7 years! What wait for 20.30. Six kids. They/you both made vows tell me where HE has honored those vows before you hit Diane up on hers. It's sounds like you guys are saying Diane doesn't deserve to be in a happy, HEALTHY, non-abusive, monogomus marriage. He is the only one that can admit he has a problem and until he does it is a losing battle.

 

There comes a time you have to think about yourself and your safety. The safety of the children you want to have. It took for me to be in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years at the age of 21. On one of my stay at my Dads with bruises to get away times, my Dad sat me down and through tears finally admitted to his problems, apologized to me, and told me alot of things he did and thought. All he lost. He said he didn't want me to go through that. This was the first time he talked about it or he admitted anything. My brothers, me, my Dad and step-mom went to flippin meetings for years. I ended the relationship and since I have never been happier. It took my Dad 40 years!!!!

 

They say sometimes it takes people to hit rock bottom before they go back up. Diane your young, you have your whole life ahead spend it being happy. The time will come when your husband will realize he has a problem. Your the only one that can determine if this is a possibility while your still around. Take Care!! d

Thank you so much for your support. It is tough when you read something telling you to give it a chance. When I feel I have given every chance.

 

Anyway, thanks again

 

Diane