mopar crazy Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 H at one point in our M did make decent $ but he had an A during our seperation w/ a co-worker. He broke it off w/ her to work on our M and a few months later she got him fired. He moved where our children and I are and had to start over. He doesn't make much $ at his new job but has applied for several. He has been turned down b/c of experience. He applied for an awesome paying job w/ the company he works for but did not get the job b/c again, less experience than the other canditates for the job. The manager told him to apply again in a couple months. In the mean time he was waiting on a call for another job w/ another company. He was offered the job, makes about a $1.00, or a little more an hour, than where he works now. He isn't going to take the job b/c he is going to apply for the asst manager job where he is working now. So, now we continue to struggle all b/c he wants to wait for this job that may, or may not get hired for. He says he will get a second job but has been saying that for a year since he took this low paying job. He can't financially support us w/ his income and I refuse to get another job b/c he is waiting for a job that may never come to him. UGH! I know I M him for richer or for poorer but I can't live like this anymore. My mil is buying my kids Christmas gifts this year b/c we have no $ to get them anything b/c my car broke down and needs to be fixed, and then H's truck tire went to crap and needed to be replaced, another $100 gone. I can't live like this anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I am still in love w/ H anymore b/c of what he is doing to us. I have prayed so much but not getting any answers. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 women will almost always leave a man if he loses his job/money/status/power and does not regain it fairly quickly.... Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 women will almost always leave a man if he loses his job/money/status/power and does not regain it fairly quickly.... As far as I understood it from her previous posts, he has expensive hobbies, doesn't want to give up any of them and expects his wife to get a second job, instead of looking for a second job for himself as he had promised her before. In short, she doesn't want to leave him, because there he doesn't earn enough money, she wants to leave him, because he behaves like an irresponsible jerk. I bet if he really tried hard to find a job, but wasn't successful for whatever reason, she would still gladly stay with him and stick it through, it's his selfish attitude and lack of understanding for the financial stress his personal issues like procrastinating, irrealistic expectations, laziness, etc. are inflicting on his family that make her want to leave. Plus the disrespect he had shown her before with his affair. Obviously this man has no clue on how to behave in a marriage. I bet he's the kind of man who would draw the same conclusion as you on why his wife wants a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I bet he's the kind of man who would draw the same conclusion as you on why his wife wants a divorce. personal attacks or character defamation is not necessary LOONEY. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 personal attacks or character defamation is not necessary LOONEY. What do you think his conclusion about her will be when his wife presents him the divorce papers? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Mopar, You have about ten reasons to leave him besides the fact that you guys are broke. Don't use that one reason to stay if you would leave him otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 women will almost always leave a man if he loses his job/money/status/power and does not regain it fairly quickly.... Perhaps I am very fortunate, then. Our lives have not been all wine & roses. In late 2002, I was downsized from my former postiion, & was in a state of job-hunting, temping, & part-time employment for approximately 15 months. To make matters worse, approximately a week later, Gina was notified her job would be ending in 6 weeks. Obviously not a pleasant ordeal. But our vows said, and I quote "Better or worse, richer or poorer." We had each other, we love each other, & neither this nor anything else would change that or come between us. The story has a happy ending. Gina secured a better-paying position than the one she was pushed out of, & I found an interesting & challenging position myself. Next May will be our 10th anniversary, by the way. ______________________________________________ When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I was downsized from my former postiion, & was in a state of job-hunting, temping, & part-time employment for approximately 15 months. Next May will be our 10th anniversary, by the way. 15 months would be considered fairly quickly SCOTT S....turn that 15 months into 48 months and your wife would probably not have stuck around. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I could see some people both women and men staying for the richer side of it but it sounds to me this is the poorer side of things on top of other issues you have mentioned in your other posts. This isn't just about money for you and I think you know that. Trying to singling out one specific problem with in the relations to justify a stay or go course of action is not the best approach. Make your decision based on every thing not just $$. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 15 months would be considered fairly quickly SCOTT S....turn that 15 months into 48 months and your wife would probably not have stuck around. To me, 15 months seemed an eternity. Gina & I have been through a lot during our marriage. Circumstances often seem hell-bent on coming between us, & had we allowed them to, could have split us. We are both Christians, & we believe The Lord brought us together. We love each other very much, warts & all, & simply will not allow life's hardships to come between us. And no, this does not come easily. We still become discouraged, frustrated, angry, & everything else. But we don't allow ourselves to remain that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Trying to singling out one specific problem with in the relations to justify a stay or go course of action is not the best approach. Make your decision based on every thing not just $$. Reading back through this thread, I believe that the more basic issue is what is the relationship based on? People are dynamic. They change, their circumstances change, & not always for the better. If the relationship is based on wealth, power, prestige, physical beauty, or other temporal factors, it does not have the basis for a long life. Donald Trump could make some bad investment decisions & lose every dollar to his name. A political scandal could unseat a powerful congressman. A Victoria's Secret model could be in a horrible accident, leaving her severely disfigured. Having lost the reason for the allure, what is left? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 This guy has been awful to her. Read some of her other threads...... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 If you want an honest assessement, find your local social services agency and find out what opportunities there are for relationship counseling and financial counseling. Remember, when you're alone there's twice the work and half the money. If there's something salvageable about the relationship, it would be better to find that out before you bail. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 This guy has been awful to her. Read some of her other threads...... Indeed. It appears that finances are but one of a plethora of issues that this relationship has. I believe if it wasn't money, it would have been something else. __________________________________________________ If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 This guy has been awful to her..... why exactly is she with him then MZ PIXIE? Has she not made a concious decision to be with him?? Assuming she has then its her responsibility to fix the situation. People need to take responsibility for their actions or inactions in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 People need to take responsibility for their actions or inactions in life. All true. Unfortunately, the best action is not always apparent. It is also seldom the easiest thing to do. People come here for advice, but I've observed more coming here for encouragement. _________________________________________________ When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 why exactly is she with him then MZ PIXIE? Has she not made a concious decision to be with him?? Assuming she has then its her responsibility to fix the situation. People need to take responsibility for their actions or inactions in life. alpha, the reason why I'm w/ him is b/c I thought he would change. When we got back together I told him I would not reconcile the M (legally) until he could prove he changed. I was going to give it a few months and told my lawyer to put the D on hold for awhile but not to close it. Well, things went pretty well for the next 6 months so we reconciled through the courts. Several months later his crap starts up again. Spending $ on things we can't afford, or need, not pulling his weight and expecting me to do everything and not helping. Yelling at me and the kids all the time for stupid things. We walk on eggshells on a daily basis worried that he will yell at us for something we did or did not do. That is not a M and no, money isn't the only reason why I would D him. He has told me, however, that he will not get season baseball tickets next year due to the fact we can't afford them so he FINALLY got smart about that one. Why don't I leave him now? B/c honestly I feel like a stupid fool for taking him back the second time when I was out of the M in the first place. A part of me still loves him, wished he would change, and hoping he would change but he has/will not. He even had the balls last night to tell me he was NEVER mean to the exOW and they never fought. So of course I told him to go back to her then b/c I was so upset w/ him. I haven't worn my wedding ring in over a week and he hasn't noticed but he would have b4. We have a 6 months lease on the house we are renting and if things aren't better by then one of us is moving out. I don't want to but if he wont leave, I will. I can get on housing, he will just be screwed and have to get a second job to pay for child support. If he can't change in those 6 months, which I know he can't, he has anger problems. I have anger problems myself but when I was separated from him I hardly got mad at all. The only person in my life that really pisses me off is him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I know you keep hoping he'll change but it doesn't look like he will...... I cannot believe he threw the OW up in your face...... I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 alpha, the reason why I'm w/ him is b/c I thought he would change. look MOPAR....trying to get anyone to "change" in any major way is like trying to get the Sun to orbit the Earth. Its not gonna happen. You either accept someone the way they are now or you move on and find someone else who is more closer to what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted December 5, 2005 Author Share Posted December 5, 2005 look MOPAR....trying to get anyone to "change" in any major way is like trying to get the Sun to orbit the Earth. Its not gonna happen. You either accept someone the way they are now or you move on and find someone else who is more closer to what you want. You're right alpha, and that is what I have to accept and move on. He wont change. He will continue to yell, and have anger issues and the only way I can deal w/ it is move on. I believe a person can change but only if they want to and I don't think he sees anything wrong w/ his anger issues so he has no plans of changing. Pixie, you don't know how much it pissed me off when he said that to me. He was in the other room when he said it. I told him the reason why they didn't fight was b/c they didn't live together and she didn't have to put up w/ his crap. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 M C, You see and have seen the writing on the walls with this one, and it will not get better. I too agree that people can change--leopard spots do not change but even snakes shed their own skin--but only when by necessity they absolutely have to. He clearly does not see that necessity. The OW bit was a step too far (again)--his insensitivity is deplorable. I wrote some weeks ago when you were upset that his friends were keeping him alight on "her" whereabouts and so on and then I saw warning signs, though others dismissed it. Out of respect and what you have gone through she should be nowhere in word mentioned again, and "there he goes again". Are you not, at the end of the day, simply better off solo? OE Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted December 6, 2005 Author Share Posted December 6, 2005 M C, You see and have seen the writing on the walls with this one, and it will not get better. I too agree that people can change--leopard spots do not change but even snakes shed their own skin--but only when by necessity they absolutely have to. He clearly does not see that necessity. The OW bit was a step too far (again)--his insensitivity is deplorable. I wrote some weeks ago when you were upset that his friends were keeping him alight on "her" whereabouts and so on and then I saw warning signs, though others dismissed it. Out of respect and what you have gone through she should be nowhere in word mentioned again, and "there he goes again". Are you not, at the end of the day, simply better off solo? OE OE, yea sometimes I feel like I would be much better off w/ just my kids and I and be happy. A part of me was extremely happy when we were separated b/c I no longer had to pick up after him, didn't have to do his laundry, could come and go as I please and not have to answer to anyone and I wasn't walking on eggshells all day long. I wasn't worried that when he came home the minute he walked through the door he starts complaining instead of saying hello and asking us how our day went. Now I just need to figure out what to do from here. I guess get ahold of a lawyer and start figuring out how the he!! I am going to pay him. Last time I went through this D crap I spent over $1,000 and we were no where done w/ it all. I don't have that kind of money anymore. I am giving him until April and if this don't improve him, or the kids and I are out the door. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 M C...Well you sound very reasonable and quite patient (the April deadline--more perhaps than my own nerves could bear but this is your exclusive situation...). Concerning the $ and divorce----You said that you had gotten mid-way or so, if I read correctly, through a divorce and that it was then "shelved" when you two decided to reconcile. Forgive my ignorance about these things, but is it possible in divorce law to "revisit" divorce papers such as you had then filed, thereby sort of picking up where one left off and cutting some further expenses? I guess I should be asking if you and your H formally called off the divorce or if it is hanging in the air (again--I am sorry if I missed this detail in one of your posts)....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted December 6, 2005 Author Share Posted December 6, 2005 M C...Well you sound very reasonable and quite patient (the April deadline--more perhaps than my own nerves could bear but this is your exclusive situation...). Concerning the $ and divorce----You said that you had gotten mid-way or so, if I read correctly, through a divorce and that it was then "shelved" when you two decided to reconcile. Forgive my ignorance about these things, but is it possible in divorce law to "revisit" divorce papers such as you had then filed, thereby sort of picking up where one left off and cutting some further expenses? I guess I should be asking if you and your H formally called off the divorce or if it is hanging in the air (again--I am sorry if I missed this detail in one of your posts)....? OE, we had to sign a paper for the courts stating that we were reconciling the M. It was a mess. Even though H and I were living 2gether again he was still having to pay child support. We had to go through the courts and get our M reconciled b4 they would stop taking child support out of his checks. It was dumb. Even though the money was going right to us, it was just a pain to have his checks garnished every week and all the mumbo jumbo of taxes and crap to deal w/. I don't know if our D is on the "shelf" like you put it so I could just re-open the case and all that money I spent towards all the paper work, ect would be taken care of. I am afraid to call my lawyer and find out b/c he charges me $25 for a 5 minute phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 In light of your current financial situation but as well the absolutely urgent need for legal advice here, perhaps you might consider opening a new thread asking for divorce anecdotes from any of the divorced readers, who might be able to share their experiences as they relate to yours (if at all) and from there you can assemble a stronger knowledge base for what comes next... OE Link to post Share on other sites
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