in the dark

[Phossil]

hello,

 

Well time to get flamed I guess but i need help. I am lost and hope someone can direct me to something to help me get a bit of control on what is going on. 8 months ago my wife and I decided I should find another job. So I left and found that it wasnt the best idea I didnt want to take any job such as a night shift due to my daughter witch was 10 months at the time I didnt want to not be around after many apps and being reassured by my wife things would be ok thing became not ok bills not being paid when the money was there and just bad managment of funds but with not adding to the purse so to speak I didnt have enough stock to do much other than try to get a job as fast as i could regardless of the hours to repair what had gone on. So I work 5pm to 5am. This past Friday morning I was picked up by my wife at work our other car is down (add to the reason I grabbed a 12 hour shift job) We went home and things just didnt feel right we only had about 2 1/2 hours till she left for work but enough time to at least hang out and enjoy the time we had

I relized the tension and (ok here is the blammy) Is there something wrong ?

now in the past these things have been brought up for the last 5 months but was always told i was being silly. Also so you know I can get loud when things are not making sense and i am sure alot of people are the same. My wife on the other hand takes a different route she will zip up and only answer with I dont know or keep repeating her self Or say nothing at all so fight start like this normal voice a couple minutes no reply again normal voice reply "I dont know" then loud voice ( now please understand I dont agree with doing this and wish I could react in a different way). Most of the time its about money where, why and how broken record but now its the whole do you even want to be in this relationship added to it.So on this morning I asked her is there someone else? do you want to get out ? and i relized i was getting to this loud level again witch i fear is the reason she says nothing at all not wanting to just redo everything as we always do i said I am moving out... OK now this is my mistake I know this but i didnt know what else to do the only thing i know is yelling and i wanted to see what was up..... Well i didnt get a dont go. so i started to pack clothes she was going to be late for work and was taking off still angry i didnt say wait this is not what I wanted at the time i didnt know I was still so angry. but anyway she left about an hour later I sat down not wanting to call her I wrote a note so she could find it when she returned from work. I went to work at 5 and was able to leave at 7:30 my bosses allowed me time to try to make sure my family was still together. I had to find a ride to my parents cause she had not made it home yet so I called the house trying to catch her and i did... Her mom was with her and they where grabbin things so she could leave i tried to explain that this was not the way aand at least since i had not seen my daughter if i could have her for the night till we spoke again in the morn she hung up.

I then call her moms cell phone and spoke to her for 2 hours and accepted it was to late to go get my daughter so i slept on it. Now its 5 am Sat morn i am up waiting till a good time 8am clicks i call only to reach her mom again i ask for my wife to call me and she called around 9:30 after talking till 11 we decided to meet and go to luch hung up only to get a call an hour later telling me she was in contact with someone and they said sepertion was a good idea now without hearing my side i did not agree I am all into going to talk with someone just not this person seemed like a one sided thing. So I said no and she hung up again. I called back only to get her father and him telling me she will get a hold of me Monday.. I freaked I wanted to see my daughter and i had done nothing other than say I was leaving and i am now tossed to the side I called the police they could do nothing being a weekend I could not get ahold of a lawyer i was just kinda poop out of luck. I sit here now its monday I have no idea what I am to do about my daughter my marrage the house the bills everything I am in the dark anyone know what I can do to get a bit of control I would be happy to hear from you I come for poor stock she has money so if anyone can help me get in touch with some sort of help I would be in your debt.

 

plz forgive the typo's this is the second time I lost the first post and going through all this is hard enough once ty

[bkz]

I relized the tension and (ok here is the blammy) Is there something wrong ?

now in the past these things have been brought up for the last 5 months but was always told i was being silly.

 

By this do you mean theres been suspision of an affair? Not sure if thats what your getting at or if things just arent right between you to because your not happy?

 

Im sure youve figured out by now that yelling and getting angry with her or anyone in her family is only gonna make things worse. I think you need to go there in person and VERY humbley ask to speak with your wife and stay as calm and soft spoken as possible to find out what her intentions are. We all say things out of anger that we regret later, unfortunatley you went a little far with the moving out part and she took you up on it. I cant offer much advice really except for DONT involve her parents in this and dont talk to them about it, this will probley only make things worse.

[Phossil]

I want to do what you said in a big way but see I dont feel I have a choice about the parents they kinda just jumped in. I fear the only way to speak to my wife is through them. Also wouldnt just showing up give them the abilty to say I am harrasing her? With the way they are acting i cant rule out anything they might do. I am so lost I dont even know what to do other than continue going to work and dealing with the crazy emotions. Anyone figured out how to sleep more than an hour at a time? or better yet go back to sleep after images of what once was flood your dreams... other than drugs.. well I hope everyone is well again ty for responding.

 

Also to answer It was to see where we stood she at the time seemed very distant and well i guess i was feeling a bit insecure working all the hours i do now I just figured we would spend or would want to spend time as a couple. But I just kinda felt like my roomate was standing in front of me. I fear this is all my fault but to feel so alone kinda makes a defensive mode kick in. I am also starting to think I am insane is that normal. I read on different mental illnesses and find many hit me on the head but I cant tell with the extreme flurry of thoughts i have since this started.

[Tiny]

I am also starting to think I am insane is that normal. I read on different mental illnesses and find many hit me on the head but I cant tell with the extreme flurry of thoughts i have since this started.

 

Yes my friend, it does feel like your going insane, and yes this is normal, I've been through it twice now:( It usually takes up to about 6 to 8 weeks for "am I going insane" feeling to abate a little, and to start thinknig a little more "normal" again, well it did with me anyway.

 

I'm sorry to hear about all your problems, and havn't really any advice, apart from keep looking after yourself the best way you can ie sleep, eat, wash etc etc and just do the best you can with your wife, try and think clearly and say what you really mean, without losing it too much, I know this is easier said than done from personal experience, but you can do nothing more.

 

Just hang in there buddy, and all my best for your future.

[bkz]

Also to answer It was to see where we stood she at the time seemed very distant and well i guess i was feeling a bit insecure working all the hours i do now I just figured we would spend or would want to spend time as a couple. But I just kinda felt like my roomate was standing in front of me. I fear this is all my fault but to feel so alone kinda makes a defensive mode kick in.

 

I know the feeling and trust me things can work out its just gonna take time and alot of effort. Im in the prosess of reconiliation with my wife right now and the hardest thing is to get rid of that feeling of distance and how insecure it can makes you feel durring such tough times. Also I can relate to the feeling of going crazy/insane, in the beginning after my wife dropped the D bomb on me I couldnt sleep more than a couple hours a night, lost 25 pounds and was a total mess. Just hang in there and take care of yourself.

 

As for going over there to talk? I dunno, id think if your being sivilized and not causing any problems youd be ok? All sitchuations are differant so its hard to say. I probley dont have to tell you this but whatever you do dont grovel, beg, pleade, cry or give ultamatums, its olny gonna make things worse. As hard as it is to be strong thats what you must do when your around her, this is a very tough thing to do but you must.

[Phossil]

Understood i just wish there was a way to see my daughter as much as i love my wife I would let it all go just to be part of my daughters life right now she just started walking and she is starting to express things in such a funny manner. I know this is off topic but seeing just chatting with you about the other thing has made me feel better so I figure i would throw this out also..

Oh my Lily Bug (my daughters name without the bug). Why as humans do we hurt each other so. When it comes to a battle between two adults why in most cases do the children get used as a weapon? Tv shows haunt me now i can flip threw channels without the wiggles or something I had to sit threw a hundred times pop up. Pictures rip threw me and small shadows run around corners I go into her play room and see her sitting playing with her blocks and looking at me as if to ask me to play with her. Or walking on her knees with a book wanting me to read it for the 100th time.. that is what makes me so weak when i think about all the things i cant do nothing but cry

 

also it fuels my anger towards my wife i know this is wrong but i cant seem to look at it in any other way this is the reason i feel i am going insane what my wife has done has made me feel as if i am falling out of love with her and i know I love my wife.

[Mz. Pixie]

What exactly has she done?? You're not specific here.

 

Perhaps her parents were tired of seeing her struggle financially and offered to assist her and make her and your daughters' life better??

 

Do you actually have proof that she was cheating or are you beating her up about just feeling insecure?? I tend to think you should use your instincts here. If there is smoke there is usually fire. Have you done any snooping??

[Trimmer]

Phossil - I hope you'll hear this with an open mind, and I'm not assuming anything by bringing it up, but I wonder if you'll explain a little bit more about your "getting loud" during arguments? Do you just repeat the same words in a louder voice, or does the whole tempo and tension of the discussion elevate into an angry argument? Does she eventually respond, either in fear or in anger, or does she withdraw further? And, bear with me here and keep an open mind - I'm just trying to understand your situation - has it ever gotten physical between you, in either direction? Looking at it through her eyes, is there any possibility that she's afraid for some reason and has reached a point where she feels like she has had enough and has essentially left and gone into hiding?

 

Clearly you've worked your fingers to the bone to provide for your family, and it sounds like you love your daughter like I do mine. But it sounds like, at a minimum, you have a real communication blockage, and your communication styles are definitely conflicting, and are not going to get you any closer to a solution.

 

Do you have health insurance that would let you seek out a few sessions of individual counseling, to have a professional listen to your situation and help guide you to explore it a little bit?

[Justreading]

OK, funny that no one considers that maybe she has the problem. Maybe what I saw in his post was she was closed up in all conflicts.

 

I see her taking off shows a lot for what he was going through,

I have been married for many years and my wife and I have gone to the deepest holes and struggled out together.

 

Its easy to blame the man I myself don't see that, he makes the point clear he understands a lot wasn't right. And tried, how ever wrong it was to approach it another way.

Now please forgive me if I am wrong emotional abuse pretty cut and dry easy to say it happened. Don't get all up in arms just follow me here. Lets say

What went on wasn't as bad as he makes it sound. Most people after a problem reflect on things as something they must have done. What if he was trying to save something that she had already decided long ago and refused to allow any communications to be made. Some times smoke means people are having a barb-B-cue. Plz Mz Pixie don't attack this man what ever has happened to you might not be the case here.

 

And I agree phossil go talk to someone. Getting help here is not the answer most here tell half truths anyway to make their wounds better. I hope you push threw this and find the answer to help you see your child again. I understand your going threw hard times not seeing her and the courts will allow it to happen but it will take time. If you are to blame only you know this and should do what ever you can to make it right.

[HadtoPost]

OK,

funny that no one considers that maybe she had the problem. Maybe what I saw in his post was she was closed up in all conflicts.

 

I see her taking off shows a lot for what he was going through,

I have been married for many years and my wife and I have gone to the deepest holes and struggled out together.

 

Its easy to blame the man I myself don't see that, he makes the point clear he understood a lot wasn't right. And tried, how ever wrong it was to approach it another way.

Now please forgive me if I am wrong emotional abuse pretty cut and dry easy to say it happened. Don't get all up in arms just follow me here. Lets say

What went on wasn't as bad as he makes it sound. Most people after a problem reflect on things as something they must have done. What if he was trying to save something that she had already decided long ago and refused to allow any communications to be made. Some times smoke means people are having a barb-B-cue. Plz Mz Pixie don't attack this man what ever has happened to you might not be the case here.

 

And I agree phossil go talk to someone. Getting help.This forum is not the answer most here tell half truths anyway to make their wounds better. I hope you push threw this and find the answer to help you see your child again. I understand your going threw hard times not seeing her and the courts will allow it to happen but it will take time. If you are to blame only you know this and should do what ever you can to make it right. Good Luck

And dont come here to get help 8 out of 10 people on this forum cant see the forest through the trees. Oh and say all you want about my post. I only posted due to Mz Pixie and her jump to nonsense. Read it Again Mz and I urge you to do the same in the future. Let me guess your Divorced? heh no wonder.

[Trimmer]

Hey, HadToPost - read more carefully.... Mz Pixie is asking some pertinent questions, in a pretty balanced way, I think. You'll note that along with asking the OP specifically what his wife had "done" (a fair question, I think, to a person who says he was the first to suggest that he be the one to move out...) she also asks if it is possible his wife is really having an affair or not and to pay attention to his instincts. How do you get "nonsense" out of that?

 

When people post their situations, it is pretty common for others to ask questions for further clarification. Sometimes people take pains to ask them gently, other times they can be a little more direct, but no-one is going to have a pat answer (not even you!) on sketchy information, and I think the questioning here has been pretty fair. As a matter of fact, far from rushing to judgement on the OP's situation, I am looking forward to hearing further comments from him so we can understand his situation further, and, I hope, offer some helpful advice.

 

...dont come here to get help 8 out of 10 people on this forum cant see the forest through the trees.

Phossil - in spite of some occasional direct questioning, 8 out of 10 people here on LS really want to understand your situation and help out if we can.

 

Read it Again Mz and I urge you to do the same in the future. Let me guess your Divorced? heh no wonder.

HadToPost - Spend some time reading more posts and I urge you to do the same in the future. Let me guess, you're a newcomer here? heh no wonder.

 

(It was a cheap shot, I freely admit... )