What are the tips to being balanced?

[CaliGuy]

I'm too much of a nice guy. I give and give to the point it turns women off. I have my own interest that keep me busy, I just lack a little confidence. I'm not bad looking, relatively successful, etc.

 

I have very little time to get my act together because someone I love will be getting her own place soon. She is my roommate and former g/f. She lost the attraction to me because I was way too nice and it put a lot of pressure on her. Also, she knows I love her and want to get married and she is not ready for that yet (more pressure). I have since decided to never bring that up again.

 

But what are the steps to being a balanced guy. good guy/balanced/bad guy? I know I need to stop being there all the time for her, stop offering to do things for her all the time, etc.

 

I wish there was some way to ingrain balance into my head. Does anyone have advice that would help me quickly regain the path to balance (I was there once, I should be able to get there again.)

[newbby]

do you tend to start trying to do more the more insecure you feel? you have to try and resist those impulses.

[CaliGuy]

do you tend to start trying to do more the more insecure you feel? you have to try and resist those impulses.

 

I don't think so. I do things for her because I love her and am trying to make her life easier, but in the process I am sure it's coming off like I am insecure.

 

I suppose to some degree I am. The more she pulls back, the harder I try. I know I need to pull back as well but if I do a complete pull back it will look fake.

 

I guess I just need to know how to be balanced and be more focused on myself and my needs. She says I over-analyze everything and I suppose I do need to learn to just let things go.

 

She has said "I don't know what plans are in my life, I am not saying it will never happen but right now I just need my space and I don't want to report to an authority figure" (meaning if she is dating someone she feels she can't go out and have fun. I understand she wants to live her life with no strings attached, I guess it's just hard for me to swallow.

 

If I don't learn to let her go and improve myself, I will lose her forever. I guess I am afraid of losing her forever. I know she said she wants to be friends and I want to leave that door open as well. She has never been friends with an ex and I am the first to be OK with a friendship. I just have to remember that friends means I can't talk about US ever again. If it happens, it happens.

 

Yes, I do overthink, huh? haha

[newbby]

you want to be friends with her to leave the door open for a possible future relationship again. i can tell you i doubt that will happen and that it is even less likely to happen if you remain friends with her. learn your lesson for the next girl. trying harder is what jumped out at me there. nobody respects somebody who tries too hard. women, like men respect and fall in love with the ones they cant control. dont worry about it, its a mistake we all make. women make it with men when they sleep with them too early or before the man has fallen in love with them, and men make it with women when they too easily begin to do things for them and tell them their feelings. its a bit of a game unfortunately, and you dont have to be a bad guy, but you have to keep her guessing a little bit.

[CaliGuy]

you want to be friends with her to leave the door open for a possible future relationship again. i can tell you i doubt that will happen and that it is even less likely to happen if you remain friends with her. learn your lesson for the next girl. trying harder is what jumped out at me there. nobody respects somebody who tries too hard. women, like men respect and fall in love with the ones they cant control. dont worry about it, its a mistake we all make. women make it with men when they sleep with them too early or before the man has fallen in love with them, and men make it with women when they too easily begin to do things for them and tell them their feelings. its a bit of a game unfortunately, and you dont have to be a bad guy, but you have to keep her guessing a little bit.

 

I do need to keep her guessing, that is for sure. I do need to stop asking her where she is going and with whom. That's a definite.

 

The reason for the friendship is basically because she's never been friends with an ex and she has said to me that she could see us married but that right now it scares her.

 

She lost some respect for me when I checked in on her last weekend and now I need to stop doing that so I can gain some respect back. I can also do that by basically living my life and not worrying about her or what she is doing, by stop doing nice things for her and by my emergence as a confident, happy guy with some aloofness and unpredictability.

 

I think if she sees I am moving on with my life and accept that we may never be a couple again the pressure will finally be off her and she can see me in a new light.

[newbby]

well its the only way that you would have a chance, but just make sure you dont get sucked back in and start making the same mistakes, after all she will miss you doing things for her and she might make you feel guilty for not still doing them, say stuff like well i thought you were supposed to be my friend etc. she wants the best of both of course and she thinks she is able to have it. she seems to be having her freedom and you taking care of her. im only saying this because as bad as it sounds i have been that girl before. i dont think its a conscious thing.

[CaliGuy]

well its the only way that you would have a chance, but just make sure you dont get sucked back in and start making the same mistakes

 

That's exactly why I have to change my attitude so I don't fall back into the same patterns of behavior. I need to be confident in who I am and that I deserve to be loved by her or someone else, then I can relax and not worry about making up for my lack of confidence by being too nice.

 

after all she will miss you doing things for her and she might make you feel guilty for not still doing them, say stuff like well i thought you were supposed to be my friend etc.

 

She would never do that. She hates that I do things for her because it makes her feel guilty. If she needs something she is not afraid to ask but won't get angry if I say no. In fact, if I did say no it might surprise her to know I can do that.

 

she wants the best of both of course and she thinks she is able to have it. she seems to be having her freedom and you taking care of her. im only saying this because as bad as it sounds i have been that girl before. i dont think its a conscious thing.

 

She appreciates what I do for her, I know that. But it's the big things I have done that she appreciates. It's when I buy her things that it bothers her. I love to spend money on her because it makes me feel good too. But I need to get out of that habit.

 

I agree with everything you've said, it's just learning to be balanced that I need to concentrate on. Just telling myself that I am confident and happy and just faking it until I make it, haha.

[newbby]

i dont think hanging around with somebody who is rejecting you does wonders for your confidence. i know she is nice and i dont think she is manipulating you, she wants you to be her friend becuase you are saying you are ok with that. you are thinking it makes you different than all her exes and so you will be the one who stands a chance. it really is over by the sounds of it. i just read your other thread too. dont go to the birthday thing, not for how you will appear in her eyes, but FOR YOU. do these thingsa for you, so that you feel better, not so that you look better.

[CaliGuy]

i dont think hanging around with somebody who is rejecting you does wonders for your confidence. i know she is nice and i dont think she is manipulating you, she wants you to be her friend becuase you are saying you are ok with that. you are thinking it makes you different than all her exes and so you will be the one who stands a chance. it really is over by the sounds of it.

 

True, but her saying "I can see us married" or "My heart COULD change, I don't know the future" is a bit different than "Sorry, I just don't think you're the one." She has never said that, she has always said "I just don't know.'

 

i just read your other thread too. dont go to the birthday thing, not for how you will appear in her eyes, but FOR YOU. do these thingsa for you, so that you feel better, not so that you look better.

 

I am not going FOR me, not really to make her hurt. I don't want to sit around that party next to her and feeling uncomfortable with myself for being there.

[newbby]

as long as she is not saying she definetly wants to be in a relationship with you, she is saying she doesnt. thats all you really have so thats what you have to deal with. forget the future etc. think about now and imagine if right now was all you have. she is not with you, she has not said she wants to be with you, so therefore she doesnt want to be with you. maybe is not yes, one day is not certain. go and do other things and get her out of your system. i know its hard, but continuing to speak to the person who has rejected you really is BAD for your self esteem.

[CaliGuy]

as long as she is not saying she definetly wants to be in a relationship with you, she is saying she doesnt. thats all you really have so thats what you have to deal with. forget the future etc. think about now and imagine if right now was all you have. she is not with you, she has not said she wants to be with you, so therefore she doesnt want to be with you. maybe is not yes, one day is not certain. go and do other things and get her out of your system. i know its hard, but continuing to speak to the person who has rejected you really is BAD for your self esteem.

 

Agreed.

 

I have some new projects to work on, a new support group and yes, even someone else interesting in seeing me more often.

 

I am going to go out with the new girl next week. Maybe next Monday for dinner will be good.

[newbby]

excellent. glad to hear it.

[Clair]

I think there's nothing wrong with being nice with the person who likes and appreciates you. Not with someone who is feeling guilty accepting your help. You need to determine what you are looking for in a woman and what you cannot accept. For example, you are not looking for friendship and uncertainty. Draw the line. And be yourself, don't play games.

[CaliGuy]

I think there's nothing wrong with being nice with the person who likes and appreciates you. Not with someone who is feeling guilty accepting your help. You need to determine what you are looking for in a woman and what you cannot accept. For example, you are not looking for friendship and uncertainty. Draw the line. And be yourself, don't play games.

 

True.

 

Balance is where it's at. You can't be a doormat and you can't be a jerk. You have to have boundaries and make sure if they are crossed there are repercussions. You have to have mutual respect or love has no chance.

 

Never tell yourself you are unworthy of being loved. That, along with seeking approval from others will completely destroy your self-confidence.

[caring guy]

I feel the same about needing balance.

I used to think i did things to help, house choirs that i know weren't what i was blessed at, but did!

I just used to get shouted at all the time! I suffer anxiety & feel she made me worse & i had a bit of a breakdown as i never knew what was right or wrong & couldn't win!

I'm naturally a thoughtful person & Cali guy i like you would do anything for my girl, but i guess some girls aren't attracted to doormats! & i feel sometimes i am one!

[mental_traveller]

I don't think it works if you try to change yourself to accommodate someone else. A bit of compromise is ok, but you can't really change your fundamental nature. If you're a "nice guy" and want to settle down, and you're with someone who needs something different, then I think the best thing is to accept you aren't a match just then and go your separate ways. If she just needs to "explore" but wants you deep down, then she will come back once she's had her moment of fun & freedom. If she just doesn's see you as the one, then she won't come back. Either way, I think it's best if you break off and let her pursue what she wants, maybe agree to check back in 3-6 months and make a decision on where to go.

 

Personally I think you'd be better off with a fellow steady nice girl who wants the same thing as you.

[helena abadi]

CaliGuy, sounds as tho you were enabling and rescuing someone who loves to be saved and it only leads to exhaustion of the dynamics. The people pleasing disease is learned in childhood, where some situation or another taught you to put your needs aside for someone else.

 

And so we repeat it in adulthood. I think lots of us have been there - being taken advantage of because we keep giving when the other person has retreated so far back they are not even dim light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When we acknowledge we DESERVE better, that putting our own needs first, taking good care of ourselves first, is essential for healthy relationships, then balance is possible. It's a process, a long one for some.

 

I envy people who get it right the first time, or even the second.

 

My part in this strange dance caused my ex to say that I was a really good person (as he went off to cheat, lie and exhaust my resources some more). That one statement hit home. No more Miss Nice (read pushover). I kicked him out the door several days later. Saying No More gave me personal power, and bolstered my self-esteem. I had been the clingy one, fearing being hurt and being left alone, and I always thought he would dump me first, but I did it instead. I missed him like hell, more than I have ever missed anyone in my life, but I stuck to my position. Didn't care if he developed more respect for me, I developed more respect for me.

 

Take care of yourself. Oh, and I read the post about accidentally sending your ex an Xmas email. No biggie. Just forget it. Your current silence speaks a lot louder.

[CaliGuy]

When we acknowledge we DESERVE better, that putting our own needs first, taking good care of ourselves first, is essential for healthy relationships, then balance is possible. It's a process, a long one for some.

 

It's sunk in for me quite well over the past month. I don't need her and I definitely deserved better. But it wasn't completely her fault. I allowed this to happen to me and thus, hard lesson learned.

 

I envy people who get it right the first time, or even the second.

 

Amen.

 

My part in this strange dance caused my ex to say that I was a really good person (as he went off to cheat, lie and exhaust my resources some more). That one statement hit home. No more Miss Nice (read pushover). I kicked him out the door several days later. Saying No More gave me personal power, and bolstered my self-esteem. I had been the clingy one, fearing being hurt and being left alone, and I always thought he would dump me first, but I did it instead. I missed him like hell, more than I have ever missed anyone in my life, but I stuck to my position. Didn't care if he developed more respect for me, I developed more respect for me.

 

Same thing here. When I booted her from the house was the day I decided I wasn't going to put up with being treated that way ever again, by anyone. In the process my self-respect was immediately bolstered and I realized "Yep, can live without her. Not only can I, I'll be FINE!"

 

And you know what? I am

 

Take care of yourself. Oh, and I read the post about accidentally sending your ex an Xmas email. No biggie. Just forget it. Your current silence speaks a lot louder.

 

Thanks. Three emails from her, none in response from me. Now she is living with her mom, which she hates. If I get any solace from all this, it's that she's getting a taste of humble pie

[helena abadi]

Hah, silent is violent. Good for you. It's not all steps forward all the time. So hard to break old patterns. Good that I did what was necessary, tho. Damn I miss him. Gotta be strong. My ex is suffering without my support, and I'm so not sorry about it.