He Has Lost His Mind!

[Brinas_scrambled_brain]

I will try and be as short as possible in this post. I have been involved in a relationship for the last 4 and a half months with a man, and up until one week ago it was amazing how good it was. We are both in the 30-something age range.

 

We were introduced by a mutual friend, and bumped into eachother alot between Dec. through April when he finally admitted he was interested in me and wanted to date. Short version we've been together ever since, and up until this past weekend, things were really good, or so I thought. He has worked two jobs since I have known him.

 

He is hardworking, kind, funny, generous, caring, affectionate, and I have fallen in love with him, as I truly believe he has fallen in love with me, by both his actions and words.We sat down two months ago, and mutually decided we both wanted a relationship with just one another.

 

Then for 4th of July he gave me keys to his house, and said to consider it my home when I am there.

 

I took off last week on thurs., fri. which I told him I might, as the last month our time has been limited by both of our jobs. He took off for Sat., Sun., and Mon., but had to work Friday. He called Tues. evening to tell me he missed me, loved me and couldn't wait until that weekend and what we would do, but was sure he'd have to work late on Fri. night until 3-4a.m. As they work alot of overtime, and I know for this particular company and friends working there he has been there and was there that evening (found this out after the incident). So, I got there Wed. evening he is so happy to see me, hugs, kisses, we went to eat on his break between jobs, and he was thrilled I was there. He acted the same way Thurs. when he was getting ready for work, I made him coffee, and we talked for a few minutes, and he commented on how much he Loves it when I am there with him. We live 50 miles apart, only 45mins-1 hr. away from one another but we see eachother through the weekdays as well. We've always been able to talk, and communicate what we need from the other and from this relationship. So. Fri. comes around he goes to the second job, and is ok with me going with our friends out to eat and on the town.

 

I got back to his house that Fri., (we don't live together but spend every weekend together with friends and family.) I go to sleep and wake up at 4am, he's not home then remembered the overtime. Called the cell but can't have it on, inside due to the equipment. I couldn't leave a message no voicemail. Point is he NEVER came home from going to work, and hadn't come home or called when I left at 1:00pm with all my stuff. Now, he and his friends do sit around after the second job on weekends from time to time, and drink a few drinks or go get something to eat, or play pool. He's always been good about calling to just let me know he's o.k. even if is on the voicemail or the cell phone. He did call later Sat. night 10pm, and I was still too upset to talk to him. I saw him once on Sun. to get some things I needed for work for Tues., and he just gave me a huge hug, and asked me to stay but I couldn't. He was talking about everything that didn't matter, and not about where he was or who he was with nothing. Me not being one for small talk, just told him "until you can level with me what happened, and where you were and why you didn't or couldn't call, I can't stay here." He was very upset when I left, and kept holding me and asking me to stay, but it's one of those weird instances where something doesn't feel right. So, this weekend is his cousin's birthday who happens to be one of my closest friends, and I have helped to set up this party for her. I know he will be there, and I don't know what to do or not do, or say at this point. I don't know if we are over, or he's doing some heavy thinking.This is completely out of character for him to do something like this, and even his family says so, and that he has been walking around like he is in a daze or totally preoccupied, my friend has been calling me not me calling her. (His cousin)I've been trying to put on that I am o.k. and sound happy, and not worried, and try to laugh. But, this is not how I feel inside.

 

I hear that they have been getting off between 3-4am which only gives him three to four hours to sleep for the day job. I thought he needed space, so I haven't called or talked to him since Mon. and I am making myself crazy, I miss him very much, and don't know where we can go from here or IF we go anywhere from here. Any advice is appreciated. Sorry so long! I am just out of sorts on this.

[midori]

As the subject of your post says, it does sound like he has lost his mind, but it also sounds like an aberration. From your description it sounds like his job is very demanding, both in time and in energy, and if he's getting only a few hours' sleep every night he's probably not thinking too clearly. Which is not to say that not calling you when he was going to be out all night is OK -- of course it's not. In your shoes my immediate reaction would have been very similar if not the same. But give him a chance to explain -- by that I mean be calm and open to hearing him. Don't start off making him feel like he must defend himself. First you want an explanation, then you can tell him (again, calmly) how worried/upset/insulted you were. Until you hear what he has to say you cannot know whether time just got away from him or if there was more going on. Your anger may well have caught him off guard and he might not have a clue as to where it's coming from or what he can do about it. I tend to be optimistic but this doesn't sound like something to be alarmed by, just annoyed. If it turns out that it's worse, well, then you'll take it from there. I hope that's not the case though. Good luck! PS: I'd try to get this settled before your friend's party, so that you and your bf can enjoy yourselves & your friends' company.

[Brinas_scrambled_brain]

Thank you for your advice midori, it is appreciated. But as of right now 4:00p.m. I STILL haven't heard anything from him and yes I have tried to call his Cell phone, no home phone to call and it is a junk phone and doesn't have voicemail.So, I don't want to interrupt his work so there is no way for us to talk before this party.

 

Is it wrong to think that if he hasn't called by now that he may REALLY not want this relationship or have as strong feelings for me as he's shown and claimed too? I really want to try to work this out and I left out the fact that I left him a note telling him how much he means to me, and that I just didn't understand him not calling, or coming home,and that if roles were reversed and I had done this my suitcase would probably be out on the porch or in the street. We both know what the other can and can't put up with, from our past marriages and this is one that I just can't go through again as my past marriage was BAD to say the least and even though I have worked through it (therapy is a wonderful thing ) I still get a little scared when this type of thing happens with staying out all night, from Ex not from me staying out all night.

 

The way I feel is that if your in a relationship committed, or married there is NO reason to stay out all night long without a phone call, or a damn good reason. Such as accident, family situation, injury, etc. and I can understand the "boys" and "girls" nights out where we all have had a few too many and maybe slept an occassion on the friends couch or guest room. Yet, he can call his cousins (my friends) two to three times a week and sometimes more, and I am lucky to hear from him maybe once or twice during the Mon. through Thurs. work week. I know he works hard, and is tired ALOT. I have been trying to help him find a better job, in his city and in mine, as he asked me to check around. I try to do as much as I can when I am there to help him with things around his house, which I asked if he minded first, such as going to grocery store (Bachelor pad remember), laundry, cooking so he doesnt have to when he comes in, etc. This situation is confusing to me because here I am suppossed to be the woman he is in love with, wants to spend the rest of his life with, and it just makes me feel like I am the last one on his list of friends and family to call. Maybe, I am just fooling myself, about how he really feels. I love him, miss him, and know that we have had a really good relationship up to this point. But, I can't make him talk to me and why even try to. I want for him to be happy whether it is with me or someone else and if it is someone else all he has to do or should I say SHOULD do is just be a grown-up 36 yr. old man and face up to it and tell me. Not be childish, rude, and inconsiderate with silence. I deserve so much more than that, if his feelings have changed. I am going to the party, and I will be nice and not disrespect him, myself, or our friends and his family. All, I can think to do is to show up and if I see him, he has to be willing to meet me halfway in this situation. If not then there is nothing left to work out, and I just have to move on with my life.

 

Thanks for your time!

As the subject of your post says, it does sound like he has lost his mind, but it also sounds like an aberration. From your description it sounds like his job is very demanding, both in time and in energy, and if he's getting only a few hours' sleep every night he's probably not thinking too clearly. Which is not to say that not calling you when he was going to be out all night is OK -- of course it's not. In your shoes my immediate reaction would have been very similar if not the same. But give him a chance to explain -- by that I mean be calm and open to hearing him. Don't start off making him feel like he must defend himself. First you want an explanation, then you can tell him (again, calmly) how worried/upset/insulted you were. Until you hear what he has to say you cannot know whether time just got away from him or if there was more going on. Your anger may well have caught him off guard and he might not have a clue as to where it's coming from or what he can do about it. I tend to be optimistic but this doesn't sound like something to be alarmed by, just annoyed. If it turns out that it's worse, well, then you'll take it from there. I hope that's not the case though. Good luck! PS: I'd try to get this settled before your friend's party, so that you and your bf can enjoy yourselves & your friends' company.

[midori]

Oh, I see it's more complicated than it initially sounded. You're right, failure to communicate with you when you've bent over backwards to create opportunities for communication is not a good sign. That is to say, it's not what one expects from someone oriented toward being a full participant in a committed relationship. And how annoying that he manages to phone his friends & cousins but can't seem to find the time for you. I've been there. These things might be worth bearing in mind:

 

1. It may be that he picks up the phone to call his cousin when he has a couple of free minutes because he doesn't feel there is an expectation that the communication be "meaningful," i.e. he can just check in w/his friend, see what's up and go back to what he was doing. He might feel that if he's going to contact you he'd better do so when he's got some real time to talk -- and he'd better be ready to talk! (This would be doubly so when there is a Specific Issue to be discussed between the two of you). Unfortunately this attitude, while good in that it recognizes that communication with you ought to be meaningful, prompts him to fail to communicate with you at all. If this is the case he probably doesn't see how his good intentions ("I'll call her when I can really focus on the conversation") actually create problems. It probably hasn't occurred to him that you're hurt and insulted that you have to hear about what's going on w/him from his friends or cousins. My old boyfriend was very prone to doing that, or conversely he'd just phone or email once a day with a "hi - what's up - work is hell - gotta go" spiel that was meant to suffice as communication, but didn't when that was all he had to say for a week. Very annoying. With my old boyfriend it was just one facet of an overall pattern of self-imposed emotional isolation. With your man it may just be that he hasn't stopped to think for a minute about how he'd feel if you treated him that way.

 

2. Of course you might want to consider whether or not his current communication problems and apparent willingness to allow his work to suck up all his time and energy do suggest larger issues that the two of you need to deal with. I can't say that I've got a good approach to deep-rooted communication problems. I let my old boyfriend know that I cared about him and was always available to listen to anything he needed to sort out. I was a good sounding board for him to explore some of the problems he wrestled with, but unfortunately he only rarely opted to open up to me. You can create opportunities for dialogue, you can be calm and be a good listener ... but he's got to want to talk.

 

3. It sounds like you're being a wonderful, supportive girlfriend -- is it possible that he feels increasingly indebted and therefore embarrassed? If he knows that he ought to be terribly grateful for your patience, support and assistance (in helping him look for a better job, in keeping his refrigerator stocked, etc.) he might be growing more and more uncomfortable with the imbalance he perceives. People can be like that sometimes, I don't think it's necessarily a matter of a man not being able to accept help from a woman, it's just difficult to accept help from others without feeling obliged to them. And if to top it off he knows that he owes you at least an explanation and probably an apology for staying out all night, he may well be avoiding you because he's overwhelmed by how uneven the scales are right now in your relationship.

 

Those are just things that occur to me. You might want to try backing off a little bit -- not that you're being smothering or overbearing -- so that he feels less intimated by all that he "owes" you. If he's feeling pressured from all sides he might require some space, even if the pressure he feels where you're concerned is only in his head. Which doesn't mean that you should just forget your grievances. He still needs to address staying out last week, and you also probably want to resolve the communication problem. But maybe he should be buying his own groceries. And maybe he needs to get things sorted out with work so that he has more free time to spend with you, rather than snippets of rushed time together over breakfast (that you made) in his flat (that you cleaned).

 

But maybe I'm way off base.

 

I hope you can enjoy the party tonight, and I hope things work out for you.

 

-midori

[Brinas_scrambled_brain]

Hey Midori -

 

Just popped in to let you know how things are so far at this point, thanks for the advice and we did have a talk Sunday evening. The party was so crowded, and we all had friends come in from out of state, it was Beautiful though.

 

He arrived before me, and the birthday girl , so when we walked in he couldn't stop staring, remember I hadn't seen him almost a week. I had gotten a new haircut, manicure, pedicure, etc. (Not for him, BUT for me...they always make me feel better) Took the birthday girl shopping and she ended up making me buy a totally HOT outfit that definetely was worth the money I had to pay for it. He walked up to me and had what I call his "Pie Face" on, the face that a man knows he's not exactly in trouble but still feels like crap for hurting your feelings. He gave a kiss, and told us to come sit at the table, the whole time he's checking everything out on me from head to toe. His family was joking with him about not staring too hard.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short. Our friends from out of town monopolized mine and the birthday girls time most of the night, and even though he had got off a little early, he had to be back at work at 6:00am the next morning. So, he made a point to say goodnight, and asked if I needed to stay at his house (now remember hadn't talked to him all week...) told him no that I had made other arrangements that it was fine. So, he kept hanging around, we danced, and talked here and there about work, etc. catching up and all about everything BUT him staying out, and my leaving etc. He did tell me that he was working the day job, got off late w/ Overtime, and went to second one late and had to work until 4:00a.m., and then the "boys" sat and had a few beers in the parking lot, and then went to eat, and they looked up and it was time to go back to the first job,and he already knew he was wrong for not calling and didn't want to make it worse by coming in just to shower, change, and go right back to work without working things out. So, he apologized again, and things seem to be a little better but still confusing.

 

A friend of friend kept talking to me from out of town, I was trying to be nice, but not overly nice and had told him that I had a boy friend and had pointed him out when we were dancing. Well, finally I guess he couldn't take it anymore when David kept seeking me out and he left and I could tell he wasn't too happy. But, I didn't do anything wrong just trying to host a nice birthday party for my friend, and be nice.

 

So, the rest of the weekend we were busy with the company from out of town "just the girls", and Sunday he had seen the birthday girl and told her to tell me to call him or just come by in the evening about 8:00 or 8:30p.m. he was going to get off early, (and he did) couldn't believe it.

 

So, I went and I told him that I thought that maybe it was time he took his key back, because he just didn't seem to be the same person he was less than a week ago. He was very upset, and I just asked him "What happened to us?" and he told me that until he gets a new job that pays what he's worth one job, that he doesn't have much time between me, family, friends, etc. and that he is just feeling like he doesn't have time for me...and that upsets him.

 

I just told him o.k. well here's the key, and I need to go. But, he wouldn't let me leave he moved in front of the door, and grabs me and hugs me, and tells me he is trying to figure out how to make this work. But, he just doesnt know what choices he has right now, that he's damned if does work two jobs and damned if he doesn't. He can either work make the money, or not work and have time for me, family, friends, and doesnt know what to do.

 

He said he had been looking for another job, and that he had a few interviews this week.So, I told him how I felt that I love him, and want a life with us together, and that whatever it takes to make this work I am willing to do what I can but he has to be willing to do the same. He said he needed a week or two to get all of his job priorities in order, and that he'd be a little short on money due to taking off to go to interviews, and that he felt bad that we wouldn't be able to do much with still working the overtime, and making up some hours he'll miss from one job.

 

So, I agreed to give him the week or two, and have decided that I am not going to call him. That this is like asking for space, and with his situation I can understand. I did stress that at the end of two weeks, we have to sit down and talk, and decide if we are going to be able to go forward or if it is time to think about maybe either dating other people for awhile or until he gets his situation worked out.

 

This he didn't like, and asked about twenty questions about was there someone I wanted to date, etc. No, there isn't anyone else, but I won't let him keep putting me off after the two weeks. Right now I don't think this is a cop out where he wants out, but after this two week period he has to decide. We have had an amazing, wonderful, beautiful relationship up til now and he will either want to be in it or he won't in two weeks. This should be enough time for him to sort out his job situation, and find another one and that should make time for everything else that is being put to the side in his life.

 

I believe in him, I love him, and he did mention that if he gets this new job it will be alot more money, and that would I consider us getting an apartment together, and start thinking about the future of us being together. Now, I don't know if he is saying this out of fear, for the possibility of thinking he may lose me in two weeks or not. He said he had been thinking about it for some time now, but knew it wasn't the right time. I told him I would think about it, and I would seriously love for this to happen but that there would be ALOT that would have to change.

 

For instance, he'd have to call me MUCH more than he has, if he's working late, out with the boys, etc. and that he'd have to KNOW that there would be NO reason what-so-ever for him to stay out all night, and that it had already happened once and that I wouldn't and couldn't sit around worrying all night again if he was alright or not. All, I can do is give him his week or two, and maybe the time apart will help in him knowing what he does want and more importantly that he wants the same things for us. I miss him very much, but know that he has to figure out what he needs to do, and am trying to understand.

 

So, just giving you the update, and thanks again for the positive and honest feed back you gave me before the weekend. Guess we have to call this "To be continued".....

 

Sorry so long.....

 

Oh, I see it's more complicated than it initially sounded. You're right, failure to communicate with you when you've bent over backwards to create opportunities for communication is not a good sign. That is to say, it's not what one expects from someone oriented toward being a full participant in a committed relationship. And how annoying that he manages to phone his friends & cousins but can't seem to find the time for you. I've been there. These things might be worth bearing in mind: 1. It may be that he picks up the phone to call his cousin when he has a couple of free minutes because he doesn't feel there is an expectation that the communication be "meaningful," i.e. he can just check in w/his friend, see what's up and go back to what he was doing. He might feel that if he's going to contact you he'd better do so when he's got some real time to talk -- and he'd better be ready to talk! (This would be doubly so when there is a Specific Issue to be discussed between the two of you). Unfortunately this attitude, while good in that it recognizes that communication with you ought to be meaningful, prompts him to fail to communicate with you at all. If this is the case he probably doesn't see how his good intentions ("I'll call her when I can really focus on the conversation") actually create problems. It probably hasn't occurred to him that you're hurt and insulted that you have to hear about what's going on w/him from his friends or cousins. My old boyfriend was very prone to doing that, or conversely he'd just phone or email once a day with a "hi - what's up - work is hell - gotta go" spiel that was meant to suffice as communication, but didn't when that was all he had to say for a week. Very annoying. With my old boyfriend it was just one facet of an overall pattern of self-imposed emotional isolation. With your man it may just be that he hasn't stopped to think for a minute about how he'd feel if you treated him that way. 2. Of course you might want to consider whether or not his current communication problems and apparent willingness to allow his work to suck up all his time and energy do suggest larger issues that the two of you need to deal with. I can't say that I've got a good approach to deep-rooted communication problems. I let my old boyfriend know that I cared about him and was always available to listen to anything he needed to sort out. I was a good sounding board for him to explore some of the problems he wrestled with, but unfortunately he only rarely opted to open up to me. You can create opportunities for dialogue, you can be calm and be a good listener ... but he's got to want to talk. 3. It sounds like you're being a wonderful, supportive girlfriend -- is it possible that he feels increasingly indebted and therefore embarrassed? If he knows that he ought to be terribly grateful for your patience, support and assistance (in helping him look for a better job, in keeping his refrigerator stocked, etc.) he might be growing more and more uncomfortable with the imbalance he perceives. People can be like that sometimes, I don't think it's necessarily a matter of a man not being able to accept help from a woman, it's just difficult to accept help from others without feeling obliged to them. And if to top it off he knows that he owes you at least an explanation and probably an apology for staying out all night, he may well be avoiding you because he's overwhelmed by how uneven the scales are right now in your relationship. Those are just things that occur to me. You might want to try backing off a little bit -- not that you're being smothering or overbearing -- so that he feels less intimated by all that he "owes" you. If he's feeling pressured from all sides he might require some space, even if the pressure he feels where you're concerned is only in his head. Which doesn't mean that you should just forget your grievances. He still needs to address staying out last week, and you also probably want to resolve the communication problem. But maybe he should be buying his own groceries. And maybe he needs to get things sorted out with work so that he has more free time to spend with you, rather than snippets of rushed time together over breakfast (that you made) in his flat (that you cleaned). But maybe I'm way off base. I hope you can enjoy the party tonight, and I hope things work out for you. -midori