Re: Any insight?

[marzipan75]

I'm going through the exact same situation except I am the one who is not yet ready for contact. Like you, I got dumped by my boyfriend of 8 years (he left me for another girl)about a month ago. He still wants to be friends and since we were best friends as well as lovers this makes it doubly hard. It's hard to find new friends sometimes and believe me, I am trying. Unlike you I didn't move away but I did have to start finding a new circle of friends because associating with our mutual friends brings back a painful memory of our breakup. My ex does email and not even two weeks after our break up I found a message from him on my cell phone but I cannot in good conscience bring myself to contact him. The reason is that it is just too painful right now.

 

I can tell you that if it's only been a couple of months it may not be too soon for you but it is obviously too painful for him to communicate with you. For me, it's almost like recovering from an addiction, I miss him and even though what he did was dispicable, I can't help that I still have some feelings for him. Initially I had hoped that my ex and I could stay in touch but after a few weeks and a different set of friends that I have made I believe that it is for the best if I don't communicate with him. I think you should do the same.

 

You say you've already tried a few times to contact him but to no avail? Then my advice is to let him be. You have to learn to let him go. Maybe in time he will be able to get over your break up and then he will be the one to contact you. Let him go because if you don't and you persist then the only thing you are doing is pushing him even further away. You will also be a lot healthier for it. I know it's so incredibly hard right now because you feel so alone. I can tell you, you've been alone a lot longer than I have and if you've survived this far then you can go a hell of a lot farther!

 

You need to get out there and try to make some new friends. I know, it's easier said than done but I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't know exactly where you are coming from. You also need to recognize this as part of trying to hang on to the past and you need to just relax and let it go. You say you moved to be in a new career, then what about trying to make some new friends there? That's usually the best place to start. I don't know if you are in a position with people in your same age group because I know how hard that can be however if you're not then try doing some new things.

 

If you are religious then how about trying to attend a church group? And if you're not did you know there's a non-denominational Unitarian church you can join. These are people that believe in God but don't have a formal religion they follow and they are usually incredibly helpful and kind. I don't mean to sound like a religious fanatic there, because I am totally not. That's just one of the things I did and believe it or not, I've made a few new friends.

 

You have to put this away for now and try and get out there and do new things to go with your new life. You had enough guts to move and start a new career so how about giving yourself a little more credit and allow yourself to get to know new people?

 

I hope this helps, when I read your post, I just knew how you felt and wanted you to know that I am on the other end of that so I thought I could give you a point of view more from his standpoint. My ex has tried a few times to contact me but I just can't bring myself to talk to him because it is not healthy at this point and would be self-destructive. Realize that this must have been hard for him as well and perhaps the only way he will ever be able to get over this is if he gets the space from you he needs. Remember that this is also a new, life changing experience for him as well.

 

If you ever need to talk, I am more than happy to be your friend. I always check out the boards, I go by Marzipan75. I hope I have helped shed some light on what might be going on there with him and why he probably doesn't want to talk. I know it hurts, just try to move on because it sounds like that is what he's trying to do. Believe me I know it's not easy.

 

Good luck.

I'm new to this site and have found some of the posts, esp. those from sparkle, Laurynn & Tony to be especially good. I'm wondering if anyone could shed some light into my murky dilemma. It's a bit complicated but I'll try to keep it concise. In March my boyfriend of some three years broke up with me, from out of the blue, again. He'd only recently discovered that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me (though no formal marriage proposal was ever made) and we'd just spent a nice week together (he currently works overseas). Throughout our relationship we rarely fought, in fact the only real problems between us were related to his issues with emotional intimacy, which in turn stem from chronic problems within his family. This latest break-up really caught me off guard, at first I spent a couple of weeks trying to get him to re-think his unilateral conclusion that we had "incompatibilities" that meant "we just weren't right for each other." He wasn't able to explain himself and so I decided I just needed to not be in touch with him for a while so that I could come to terms with this shocking development. I have since come to see that the break-up was for the best: his issues with intimacy render him unable to truly share his life with anyone. And he's not going to change anytime soon (refuses to go to therapy, etc.). It's a real shame because he is a lovely human being, a truly wonderful man in many other regards. Now that I know it simply won't work for us as a couple, I'd still very much like to have him in my life as a friend. I've just moved to a new city where I know no-one and am embarking on an exciting albeit very challenging/intimidating new career path. I need all the support I can get -- and until the break-up he was one of my strongest supporters, in fact, he was key to me getting on this new path in the first place. I've tried to re-establish communication (email, one phone call) a few times in the last couple of months, but have been rebuffed by him, saying that he's "not ready" to communicate with me at all, about anything, that he's "not over" me and "needs more time." Which is very inconvenient for me because now is when I need him!! So that's the background, my question (at last) is: what's going on? Does his behavior make sense to anyone? In anticipation of some obvious questions anyone kind enough to read & respond might have, yes I still love him but I truly recognize that it just wouldn't work unless he had made some fundamental life-altering changes in perspective that I think very few of us are able/willing to make. He dooms himself to unhappiness -- and I'd be doomed along with him if I'd married him. I see that. I'm hoping to transform our affection and harmony into a valuable friendship. I'm the one who got dumped for heaven's sake, so if I don't have a problem with building a friendship from the rubble of love, why should he? I don't get it. Does anyone else? Thanks very much.

[Tony T]

1. "I've tried to re-establish communication (email, one phone call) a few times in the last couple of months, but have been rebuffed by him, saying that he's "not ready" to communicate with me at all, about anything, that he's "not over" me and "needs more time." Which is very inconvenient for me because now is when I need him!!"

 

Well, sssooooooo sorry. Gawd forbid anybody should have any kind of emotions that are inconvenient for you. The man has very clearly stated to you that he needs some time away. Have the respect to grant this, regardless of whether it's convenient for you or not. This is for him. This attitude may even be what drove him away.

 

If you love him even slightly, you will grant him the space he needs to heal. Right now, you really aren't wanting to be a friend, in the traditional sense, you are hoping that somehow a romance could rebuild from the rubble. No chance of that happening.

 

Do yourself a favor. Be strong, move on and wait for him to make the next move. Don't call him, don't email him...just leave him alone as he has asked.

 

2. "I'm the one who got dumped for heaven's sake, so if I don't have a problem with building a friendship from the rubble of love, why should he?"

 

Give the poor guy some time. If you push this issue, you will prove you wouldn't make a very good friend for him. If you can go with the flow and give in to HIS convenience and not your own, you will show him you can be a great friend. But right now, the best friend you can be to him is to back off. These kinds of friendships take a lot of time to build...after some time has passed.

 

Believe me, break ups are JUST AS PAINFUL for the dumper as the dumpee. Try to understand where he's coming from. The more class you show during this time, the more likely a friendship will ensue later on.

 

This is the perfect time to do some special things for yourself...and to make new friends and do things for yourself that you've been putting off for a while.

[midori]

Thanks Marzipan!

 

Your words are comforting and wise. I am slowly meeting people and am always on the lookout for new opportunities to socialize. For me fully moving on from my previous relationship is just a matter of time, I recognize that.

 

All my best wishes to you. It sounds like you're doing a marvelous job coping with what must have been a devastating blow. While I still can't say that I see where my old boyfriend is coming from and why he can't/won't communicate w/ me now (since he's the one who broke up with me), I absolutely think you are right to keep your ex at arm's length, if not further. He's not being at all sensitive to you by pushing you to keep in touch with him. If you don't mind my saying I think it's quite selfish of him: after delivering a double-whammy like a break-up prompted by an infidelity, he should fully expect to be persona non grata in your life (or, rather, out of it). You shouldn't feel guilty for not responding to him. You don't owe him anything right now. You're very wise to channel your energies into building new friendships and social networks. Recovering from the loss of a relationship is a long, looping road but you seem to be well on your way.

 

-midori

[sparkle]

Hopefully I have this right: Your relationship ended because he was scared of emotional intimacy. It's been a few months and you would like to be friends with him now, but he is not ready. You want to know why.

 

Well first of all, you may have been in love with this person, and he might have been wonderful in every other way. But relationships are not all about love. You were just not with the type of person you were looking for, and the timing just wasn't right.

 

This guy was afraid of emotional intimacy and so he used whatever reason to get away from a possibly wonderful situation. For him, the timing just wasn't right. Otherwise he wouldn't try to run away from love and commitment.

 

Ask yourself what you really want his friendship for? Is it because you miss him and still have feelings for him, which I'm sure you still do. Is it because you're at a point in your life where you're lonely and you need someone? And since he was the person closest to you at one point, you need him now?

 

Or are you hoping that, maybe after you two continue your friendship, you two may possibly get back together again?

 

If you truly love him, maybe the best thing to do right now is to let him go, and give him the distance that he's asking for. He says he's not ready yet. Well end all contact with him. No more emails or phone calls. Let him go. And maybe one day, he may be ready to be friends with you, and I'm sure he will contact you then. But right now is not the time.

 

But if he's like most people, trying to be friends with an ex is usually not the best thing to do. It will just take longer for you to heal and get over the relationship.

 

And along with a friendship with him, there may be other complications. How would you react to hearing he had a new girlfriend? How would he react when he heard that you were seeing someone else?

 

Even if you think you may be completely over him romantically, it may not be so. Feelings have a funny way of wandering back in the door when ex's begin to contact each other once again.

 

And it doesn't matter if he broke up with you, he can still be hurt. He might have very strong feelings for you still and hasn't gotten over you. And he knows that being friends with you may increase the pain and slow down the healing process.

 

You seem like a wonderful person. Spend time and focus on yourself right now, and what makes you happy. And start doing the things you enjoy doing. You will make friends along the way soon. Maybe you'll have to put in a little more effort into going out and meeting new people, but you can do it, and make new friends. Before you know it, you'll have a wonderful friend you can lean on, and won't need the support of your ex anymore.

 

Whatever you do, just be patient with yourself. Three years with this guy was a long time. Sometimes it takes half a year afterwards to completely get over it, sometimes less, maybe more. Give it time. Don't hurry yourself. And I'm sure if you allow him the time he needs, he may be ready to contact you for a friendship once again.

[midori]

So I guess there's no logic to the notion that, having patiently endured three years of a relationship that was constrained and periodically, unpredictably sabotaged by his doubts & fears, a relationship that was only allowed to progress at his pace, with his needs taking precedence over mine nine times out of ten, I might now deserve some consideration from him in return? Evidently not. You imply that I drove him to leave with unreasonble, selfish demands, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was not kind and understanding, patient and forebearing in order to build up credit that I planned on calling in later. But I was never anything BUT kind, understanding, patient and forebearing. And accommodating, interested, responsible and honest. Always. Your sarcastic assumptions are rather uncalled for, not to mention inaccurate.

 

I can though see that you're much closer to getting inside his head than I am, and your words underscore that now, as ever, it's all about him and his needs. Clearly it's better to wallow in meaningless, melancholy angst, mourning a relationship that he didn't want in the first place than to face the consequences of his own choices, pull himself together and get on with life. Why be there for someone who has always been there for him, time and again? Why consider anyone else's situation, anyone else's needs?

Give the poor guy some time. If you push this issue, you will prove you wouldn't make a very good friend for him. If you can go with the flow and give in to HIS convenience and not your own, you will show him you can be a great friend. But right now, the best friend you can be to him is to back off. These kinds of friendships take a lot of time to build...after some time has passed.

That's an interesting take. So ... I guess there's no need for him to prove that he can be a good friend to me? His convenience is much more important than mine? Your interpretation of the situation seems to be that I am just fine and dandy and that I ought to be considerate of "the poor guy" because ... why exactly?

Believe me, break ups are JUST AS PAINFUL for the dumper as the dumpee.

I beg to differ. I think the difference here is that I've chosen to deal with my pain up front, to the point where it's more or less manageable (sometimes more manageable, and at the moment, less). I am now trying to salvage the good things between us that might live on in a friendship. I have wept and endured sleepless nights, bouts of depression and hopelessness. I have re-aligned my life so that there isn't a gaping hole visible for all to see, but that doesn't mean that I'm just fine.

 

Try to understand

where he's coming from. The more class you show during this time, the more likely a friendship will ensue later on.

I was hoping to understand where he's coming from which is why I wrote. And perhaps I do now, thanks.

[midori]

Hopefully I have this right: Your relationship ended because he was scared of emotional intimacy. It's been a few months and you would like to be friends with him now, but he is not ready. You want to know why.

That's it exactly.

Well first of all, you may have been in love with this person, and he might have been wonderful in every other way. But relationships are not all about love. You were just not with the type of person you were looking for, and the timing just wasn't right.

That's very very true.

Ask yourself what you really want his friendship for? Is it because you miss him and still have feelings for him, which I'm sure you still do. Is it because you're at a point in your life where you're lonely and you need someone? And since he was the person closest to you at one point, you need him now? Or are you hoping that, maybe after you two continue your friendship, you two may possibly get back together again?

And here you might be right too. Definitely right now I feel I need him because I'm lonely and anxious and missing my best friend (which he was). But I can't deny that there might be some part of me that's irrepressibly hoping that things might work out one day. I'm not nurturing that idea because I realize how unlikely it is.

If you truly love him, maybe the best thing to do right now is to let him go, and give him the distance that he's asking for. He says he's not ready yet. Well end all contact with him. No more emails or phone calls. Let him go. And maybe one day, he may be ready to be friends with you, and I'm sure he will contact you then. But right now is not the time.

I have. I don't intend to contact him again.

But if he's like most people, trying to be friends with an ex is usually not the best thing to do. It will just take longer for you to heal and get over the relationship. And along with a friendship with him, there may be other complications. How would you react to hearing he had a new girlfriend? How would he react when he heard that you were seeing someone else?

I agree, friendships with exes are difficult. But to discard someone completely from my life just because things aren't going to work out for us romantically seems, to me, to be even more tragic than the disintegration of our relationship was. Yes, it would be difficult to find out that he has a new girlfriend -- but isn't that what moving on is about? It's about dealing with the present reality, not fond faded memories of the past. It seems sad to relegate someone who meant so much to me to the past. It's not like there was hostility between us when we broke up; there were no wrongdoings to forgive on either side.

Even if you think you may be completely over him romantically, it may not be so. Feelings have a funny way of wandering back in the door when ex's begin to contact each other once again.

Very true. Very true.

You seem like a wonderful person. Spend time and focus on yourself right now, and what makes you happy. And start doing the things you enjoy doing. You will make friends along the way soon. Maybe you'll have to put in a little more effort into going out and meeting new people, but you can do it, and make new friends. Before you know it, you'll have a wonderful friend you can lean on, and won't need the support of your ex anymore.

 

Whatever you do, just be patient with yourself. Three years with this guy was a long time. Sometimes it takes half a year afterwards to completely get over it, sometimes less, maybe more. Give it time. Don't hurry yourself. And I'm sure if you allow him the time he needs, he may be ready to contact you for a friendship once again.

Thanks for your kind words. I know that there's a lot of truth to what you say and that I perhaps ought to re-think what it is that I'm hoping will ultimately come from re-connecting with him. Thanks sparkle!

 

-midori