It's been a month and I'm desperate for fun

[marzipan75]

It's been a whole month since my ex broke up w/me. I've met some new people and can't help but want to spend time with new guys. It feels like I have to just because my ex cheated on me and then dumped me. It feels like there is some kind of contest as to who moves on first and so far he's winning.

 

What is that about? Am I nuts? I am beginning to think I am. I am also angry at times and that spurs me on even more. It's like some contest to go out there and be interesting and try to have fun no matter what. When I am home alone, I start feeling so lethargic, like I shouldn't be there moping around, I should be out there partying.

 

I keep having these visions in my mind about my ex having the most romantic and wild time with his new girlfriend. It just makes me nuts sometimes. What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts? Hypnosis?

 

I really am considering hypnosis, because maybe it can help me to forget that I am 26 and just spent the last 8 years of my life with the wrong guy. Okay, that's it I think I'm officially crackers!

[Tony T]

The healing process is different for everybody. Stop being in a competition with your ex. Be yourself and do whatever you need to do to gain back your self esteem, confidence, etc. and to rid yourself of the down feelings you've had.

 

The very best thing you can do is totally and completely forget your ex. Then go on from there. I don't think it's a good idea to rush out and start seeing people before you are ready. As a matter of fact, in this vulnerable state you can make some extremely serious mistakes.

 

Take your time to heal. Eight years is a very long time. I don't see how you could possibly get over him in a month or two. I'm sure he's not over things either...he's just being really stupid trying to prove something to himself. Just stop getting reports on what he's doing. He's pretty nuts if you ask me.

 

If it takes you six months or even a year, get your head on straight and feel comfortable with yourself before you get out and start dating in earnest. Don't even think about doing anything just because you're in some kind of contest with your ex. He's out of your life now. I know it's really hard to get used to not having someone around who's been there for eight years...but you can do it. You don't have a lot of choice.

 

I promise you things do get better in time.

 

As for hypnosis, that isn't an entirely bad idea. But I think that by using it, you may circumvent some of the essential components of the healing process and that's not good.

 

An excellent ethical medical hypnotherapist may be of some service. You can find one in the yellow pages under hypnotherapy. Just be sure you don't go to a quack.

[midori]

It's been a whole month since my ex broke

up w/me. I've met some new people and can't help but want to spend time with new guys. It feels like I have to just because my ex cheated on me and then dumped me. It feels like there is some kind of contest as to who moves on first and so far he's winning.

Oh wow, I know the feeling.

 

I think it would be a mistake to set yourself up in competition with your ex on any front, that's allowing a connection to exist in your mind where you don't want one. I know how hard it is to not create artificial or unnecessary connections to a lost love (and that's something I might need to take to heart myself), they can take the place of the former tie you had to him. Anyway, you're starting anew from a place of integrity -- which your ex is not. His new trajectory has roots in betrayal. He's definitely not "winning."

What is that about? Am I nuts? I am beginning to think I am. I am also angry at times and that spurs me on even more. It's like some contest to go out there and be interesting and try to have fun no matter what. When I am home alone, I start feeling so lethargic, like I shouldn't be there moping around, I should be out there partying.

I can only imagine. I would be livid in your shoes and driven to prove, to my ex, to myself, to everyone, that it was his loss. I would loooaaathe his new girlfriend and revel in daydreams of him dumping her in public to return to me. Your reaction is only natural I think. You're dealing with loss AND with betrayal. And from what you said earlier your ex is not making this any easier for you by trying to force the lines of communication between you open. What does he hope to accomplish in doing so -- salve his own conscience about having treated you so badly? Assure himself that you don't hate him? I hope that he's not the one updating you about his doings with the new girlfriend.

 

Getting beyond the raw pain is terribly difficult and even when you have people telling you that there are ways out it's almost impossible to believe that's true until you start to see for yourself, with your own understanding. But I will suggest that someone who could a) cheat on you b) unilaterally end a good relationship without any discussion and c) show stunning insensitivity after the fact is perhaps not the person you thought he was. You may find that in time your perspective on who he is, and therefore what you lost (or were spared!), changes considerably.

I keep having these visions in my mind about my ex having the most romantic and wild time with his new girlfriend. It just makes me nuts sometimes. What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts? Hypnosis? I really am considering hypnosis, because maybe it can help me to forget that I am 26 and just spent the last 8 years of my life with the wrong guy. Okay, that's it I think I'm officially crackers!

You're definitely not nuts. I think your reaction is completely within the bounds of what most healthy people in your unhappy situation would be feeling and doing.

 

I think that right now the best thing for you would be to make sure your ex stays away from you. Ask mutual friends to not mention him to you -- and also not to share news of you with him. You don't want to feel like he can see what you're doing. You don't want to offer him access to you. Also tell your mutual friends that you'd really prefer at this stage to not encounter your ex and ask them to bear that in mind when planning things with you, or to alert you if they know that he's going to be at a certain party, etc. Such a request is not at all out of bounds, I'm sure that any friend of yours will understand and sympathize.

 

Get out there and have fun -- when you feel like it. When you feel like staying in and aimlessly channel surfing, crying or just staring at the wall, do that -- for a little while at least. Don't let the reclusive behavior go on for too long of course. Your earlier posting to me mentioned the new things you've been doing, new circles of people you've been socializing in -- that's all very very good. Keep it up. I know how tiring, how mind-numbing and soul-wearying it can be at times. I've been there. I'm still there. But it's the best remedy. It will make you stronger too, give you more outlets. Sometimes people's worlds contract a bit when they've been in a long-term relationship. Now's the time to be expansive -- that's a good thing to be whether or not you're single. You're 26, who knows what exciting new opportunities you will happen upon!

 

Re new guys: my advice is to take it slow. Definitely flirt like mad when you feel like it and have fun whenever you can, but when you feel yourself approaching a line that in other circumstances you might not have crossed (not because you used to be in a relationship but because of wherever your lines of discretion naturally lie) -- don't cross that line. At least not on a first impulse. Make lots of new guy friends that you can see movies with, have occasional dinners with, go out dancing with. And somewhere along the way you'll find someone you want more with. It'll happen sooner than you think.

 

As for hypnosis: I don't really know anything about it. If you are suffering to such an extent that it is interfering with your work or preventing you from doing anything constructive, then maybe you ought to consider some kind of intervention, whether it's hypnosis or something else. But it doesn't sound like you're in such bad shape all things considered. I think that in the long run (and the not-so-long-run) the way to handle painful things is to let them come, dare them to do their worst for a moment and then shove them away. It's awful at first, but each time it gets a little easier to handle. And ultimately I do think it's the only way to truly deal with something so that it's no longer able to hurt you. Which is what you want, isn't it? You don't want your boyfriend's betrayal to have a hold on your emotional well being forever.

 

As for wasting 8 years on the wrong person: I'll bet you didn't waste any time. I'll bet you've grown a lot in those eight years (and are in fact growing by leaps and bounds right now. Nothing like a bit of pain to induce spiritual growth). I'm sure that your ex boyfriend influenced you in many good ways and helped to shape the strong, wise person, empathetic you clearly are. Maybe you've come to the end of what he had to offer you, but that doesn't mean you're not coming out of it with things to be thankful for. It's too bad he had to mar that with such ugliness at the end, but don't let his mistake color your entire time with him. Don't give it that power. Now is probably not the time to really be thinking about the good times you had with him, nor even to consider the good things you gained from your association with him. But don't kick yourself for wasting time; you didn't. And now you have to allow yourself the time to grieve, to acknowledge your pain. Then you can heal it.

 

Keep talking about it. That's one of the best ways I know of to handle pain.

 

I so hope that your pain starts to lessen soon, even just a bit. And I'm sure you've heard this many times in the past month, but that doesn't mean it's not true: you deserve better. And you shall have it.

 

-midorie