filarena Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Okay, so in a previous thread I mentioned my gf talks to a lot of guys online. Most are guys she knew previously, but at least one was someone who contacted her through myspace since we started dating. Her version of events has changed every time it has come up, making me quite suspicious. So I made the horrible mistake of snooping. I signed in to her myspace account and found not the 1 (or 2, depending on the day you ask her about it) emails I expected, but 15. Rather than him coming on strong and her just being polite, I see him being polite and her asking his sn, telling him when she'll be home, where she works, and agreeing to go for coffee. I happen to know she didn't meet up with him. Overall, things have seemed to be going great aside from the issue of her talking to other guys in what I really only suspect to be flirting, not her looking to cheat. But I don't know if I can over look the lying. I've tried to get her to admit to it on her own in a number of ways, but she's not biting the bait. I haven't slept all night b/c I'm so distraught. I sent her a txt saying we need to talk. Now I half regret doing so but half don't. Should I ask her about it gently? Not mention the snooping, but point out where her stories contradict themselves and hope finally she'll admit the truth? Or do I admit to snooping even though that alone could do a great deal of damage to the relationship? The truth is, I really could have forgiven this pretty easily if she'd admit to it. I don't feel like some online flirting, which was relatively tame all things considered, is unforgivable. But I don't know if I can just ignore the fact that when I choose to come clean about something, she makes me feel bad for not saying it earlier, and when I express concern about the guys she talks to, she makes me sound unreasonably jealous, meanwhile she's doing this. I want to still have a relationship after this coming talk, but I also don't want to let her lie again and accept it again. Link to post Share on other sites
AlmostMarried77 Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Firstly, I really think you need to be prepared for the reality that the relationship might end before you can really push this issue with her. If you're not prepared for that then you might end up making a fool of yourself when trying to deal with it. Get her to log in to the account whilst you're there with her and then show you herself what she's been up to. You said yourself in the other thread that she quite often shows you the conversations and can be quite upfront about them. From how this looks now, she's only been showing you an edited version of whats going on to keep you happy. She might well refuse to log in and show you, in which case you will need to be more assertive. Be prepared for this and have some valid answers to her refusals - even if it just means saying, "i don't trust what you've been up to.". Theres also the fact that she appears not to have had a problem showing you bits before. Question why she can be open about that but not this. Once your logged on with her, allow her space to explain her actions. If you're still not happy then get her to delete the account. Again there will be refusals from her but you need to stay firm. DO NOT ask her to choose between you and the online stuff. Just tell her that YOU need to see that it means nothing to her. Deleting it will prove that. IMO she has broken trust and stepped out of normal relationship boundarys. Although it could be a lot lot worse you need to make it clear that you won't stand for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Dude, I may be a little old for "my space" ettiquette, but I believe it is akin to the following: -Your girl is actively advertising herself for whatever purpose with photos and facts about herself. -A guy saw your girl and asked her out -She didn't say no (it doesn't freakin' matter that she didn't go - a GIRLFRIEND knows how to flirt lightly but draw a line). I would not think about this stuff anymore. I would enjoy the time you have with her but at a shallow level. She is guaranteed to get herself into some situation where you have to forgive her, etc., when what you need is someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author filarena Posted December 6, 2005 Author Share Posted December 6, 2005 Well I talked to her, and it didn't go well. I admitted to snooping, huge mistake, and now she is strongly considering breaking up with me over it. Will know for sure later today, hopefully. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 I admitted to snooping, huge mistake, and now she is strongly considering breaking up with me over it. Why don't you break up with her first? Link to post Share on other sites
Author filarena Posted December 6, 2005 Author Share Posted December 6, 2005 Because I don't want to break up with her. I'm (vainly) hoping we can work through this, though I am aware the odds of that are not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Painwraith Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Right Been here and my ex was having a whole relationship online. didnt go into her account but I found out about it and there is no excuse for it. she is cheating with on you online emotionally. I know how it feels but now you know the truth, I found out by her suddenly buying webcams, spending from 10 at night when she got home from work till four in the morning chatting to the bloke, her shifting out of email and chat windows when I came in the room, even seeing some of what she was writing. She was dishonest and lost my trust, from then on it was a downward spiral of being strung along and general nastiness from her lying and me becoming more and more paranoid about the whole issue and becoming more and more upset (I am not fully over it all today). Best thing you can do is confront her about it and guage her reaction, you dont have to mention invading her privacy but you can say 'I have been unhappy with your online fliting a while and I think its getting out of hand' approach, if she denies anything in it then tell her if she has nothing to hide then why not show you her email accounts and msn logs? if she gets angry or overly upset she has something to hide, if she is dissapointed and shows you (she wont do though you have already caught her out) then she doesnt believe there is anything wrong. Dont let this continue... trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Writing's on the wall, man. You called her bluff and she's mad at you for snooping, even though she should've been honest to begin with. They always get defensive when you catch them, even shifting the blame if necessary. Had they not been acting suspicious, you'd have no reason to investigate in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Ditto to what westernxer said. Well I talked to her, and it didn't go well. I admitted to snooping, huge mistake, and now she is strongly considering breaking up with me over it. Will know for sure later today, hopefully. FWIW, man, admitting you snooped is the only way she'd admit to lying. If you hadn't presented evidence she would have just kept on denying everything and made you feel guilty about even asking. I've been in situations like this before. Your relationship was doomed before you even snooped. Link to post Share on other sites
Undertow Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 I agree with Westernxer and TreeBark... I just started a thread called "Oh man!" Basically, I'm at a very crucial point in a relationship that has had very similar elements to your situation. My girlfriend is a known liar, I've forgiven her over and over again. But now she is pregnant. I'm not even sure if I believe her when she says it is certainly mine. The rub is, if it is mine and I trusted her--I would fight tooth and nail to convince her to keep it. As it stands, I don't know if she's terminating because she just isn't ready or if it is because she isn't sure it is mine. Obviously, this is way further down the road for you (and maybe a bit graphic philosophically) but you need to know this is where you could end up. And this is why trust is so damn important in a relationship. Run, run away from this chick and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 What all the guys above said, plus, if you DO stay in the relationship with her, you look like a sissy and she has all the power -- the relationship will be on her terms. Plus, you will now feature front and center as the subject of all her conversations with boys -- about how controlling you are, etc. Anytime you try to tell her what you think about her chats, and she will bring up how she forgave you for snooping. Your relationship is over, and now all you have is your pride. Your pride has ONE HOPE [in my opinion] -- just call her up and tell her you're out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author filarena Posted December 6, 2005 Author Share Posted December 6, 2005 With thanks for all the advice, we actually worked it out. She began by saying "if you can forgive the emails, I'm willing to just forget about it all." I don't think I lose my manhood by choosing to stay with her, and frankly I'm ecstatic as all hell that we are staying together. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 How do you know she's gonna stop hooking up with other guys? Do whatever you want, but the big picture doesn't seem very bright. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 Just understand what you are getting yourself into: she just bargained her way out of something that she shouldn't have been doing. I would keep cool for a few weeks and try not to be too available, and make sure that you are giving your absolute best game to her. Also make sure she understands (without saying it to her) that you can walk at any time without a second thought. Eventually she may respect you enough not to flirt with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Well, what you REALLY need to do is an online search with the keywords "online emotional affair". You just gave her permission to do this...you have NO IDEA what you're getting into. Take a look at my post... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ And you tell me what the possible out come of this could be. There are TONS of people who get into this all the time. Just because it's online doesn't make it less a danger, it makes it a GREATER one. Because of the fantasy factor, so many things. You really need to go back and re-think your decision here. You are sooooo going to get burnt if you don't my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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