ghosted after 5 dates? normal?

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Why are you even here if you're not interested in advice and only want to hear what you want to hear?

He is interested in advice. But he believes that, even though the girl told him she just wanted to be friends, her tone and other context details indicated otherwise. He needs advice for THAT scenario.

There is no reason to assume that he is deluding himself. I see nothing impossible or even improbable in his evaluation. I’ve been in that situation myself. A woman told me she just wanted to be friends with me, but her vibe told me something completely different. We ended up having a long-term relationship. 

[Sony12]

29 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He is interested in advice. But he believes that, even though the girl told him she just wanted to be friends, her tone and other context details indicated otherwise. He needs advice for THAT scenario.

There is no reason to assume that he is deluding himself. I see nothing impossible or even improbable in his evaluation. I’ve been in that situation myself. A woman told me she just wanted to be friends with me, but her vibe told me something completely different. We ended up having a long-term relationship. 

The main thing in this scenario though is that she has already had sex with him and immediately after is saying they should be friends. 

Also keep in mind that we are hearing things from his point of view and not hers. And he clearly wants to believe she is into him and doesn't really seem to be open to other alternatives. We don't know how flirtatious she is really being. A lot of times in these types of situations young women try to let the guy down gently which often seems to leave the door open in the guys mind (who clearly are a little clingy).

This isn't a situation where these two had sex on the first date. They had sex on date 5 and then she just by happenstance says afterwards they should be friends. The chemistry likely was lacking on her end in order for her to do that after five dates. 

 

Edited March 13 by Sony12

[JackFlash]

58 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He is interested in advice. But he believes that, even though the girl told him she just wanted to be friends, her tone and other context details indicated otherwise. He needs advice for THAT scenario.

There is no reason to assume that he is deluding himself. I see nothing impossible or even improbable in his evaluation. I’ve been in that situation myself. A woman told me she just wanted to be friends with me, but her vibe told me something completely different. We ended up having a long-term relationship. 

it's ironic you appear to be the only one with actual experience in this similar situation

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, JackFlash said:

it's ironic you appear to be the only one with actual experience in this similar situation

Lol now this comment is funny.  When are you seeing this girl next?

Edited March 13 by Sony12

[JackFlash]

9 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Lol now this comment is funny.  When are you seeing this girl next?

this weekend  

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, JackFlash said:

this weekend  

Ahh. Be careful how you handle it. Don't be too needy. After all she did say she wants to be friends.  Which means it's not a first date and you two will just be hanging out.

Edited March 13 by Sony12

[JackFlash]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Ahh. Be careful how you handle it. Don't be too needy. After all she did say she wants to be friends.  Which means it's not a first date and you two will just be hanging out.

LMAO. 

[Gebidozo]

59 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

The main thing in this scenario though is that she has already had sex with him and immediately after is saying they should be friends. 

Also keep in mind that we are hearing things from his point of view and not hers. And he clearly wants to believe she is into him and doesn't really seem to be open to other alternatives. We don't know how flirtatious she is really being. A lot of times in these types of situations young women try to let the guy down gently which often seems to leave the door open in the guys mind (who clearly are a little clingy).

This isn't a situation where these two had sex on the first date. They had sex on date 5 and then she just by happenstance says afterwards they should be friends. The chemistry likely was lacking on her end in order for her to do that after five dates. 

 

All valid points. You could be absolutely right about all this. But the OP’s reading of the situation is also a valid viewpoint. No matter what, he still knows that girl much better than either of us. 

And anyway, why not try? She agreed to see him. What’s the worst thing that can happen? 

[Sony12]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

All valid points. You could be absolutely right about all this. But the OP’s reading of the situation is also a valid viewpoint. No matter what, he still knows that girl much better than either of us. 

And anyway, why not try? She agreed to see him. What’s the worst thing that can happen? 

She agreed to meet him as friends. And at least according to the way he is talking here he refuses to accept that they would just be friends. Hopefully if she tells him no this isn't happening he listens to her and does back off.

Edited March 13 by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She agreed to meet him as friends. And at least according to the way he is talking here he refuses to accept that they would just be friends. Hopefully if she tells him no this isn't happening he listens to her and does back off.

I don’t see why he should accept that they would just be friends if he feels that she was sending him signals to the contrary. He isn’t going to force her to do anything, he’s just not willing to give up on her and will try to do the right things to get her back. That’s the right thing to do when you have feelings for a woman.

 

[Sony12]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

I don’t see why he should accept that they would just be friends if he feels that she was sending him signals to the contrary. He isn’t going to force her to do anything, he’s just not willing to give up on her and will try to do the right things to get her back. That’s the right thing to do when you have feelings for a woman.

 

Ehh. Not really. There's a lot of women on these apps and in the dating world in general who have gotten creeped out in the past because they have had guys who have refused to take no for an answer.  

It's better to have multiple options at once than to put all your eggs in one basket. So if one option isn't quite turning out how you hoped you will have other situations that might turn out a little more how you were wanting.

 

 

[Acacia98]

On 3/10/2024 at 11:02 PM, JackFlash said:

UPDATE:

Last Friday I asked her out and she said "we shouldn't", and then I said is the main issue I was moving things too fast and I just want her comfortable. She wrote to me a day later that she's comfortable but doesn't know if I have feelings for her.

WTF?!?!?

what do I do from here? Of course I have feelings for her. 

Whatever the current status of your communication, I think you're wasting time with her based on this and her previous words/behavior.

No good ever comes out of dating someone this inconsistent.

If she's confusing at this early stage, then she will be much worse down the road. And I hope  you won't feel bitter about it when that happens because she's given you ample warning with the multitude of red flags.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

And anyway, why not try? She agreed to see him. What’s the worst thing that can happen? 

What's the worst that could happen?

Well, I don't want to be an alarmist, but when anything involves the possibility of sex and the matter of consent, you do not proceed unless the other person gives you an unambiguous green light. All this talk about wanting to be friends and then apparently flirting to keep him sexually interested is not a green light. In the past, accusations of rape have emerged from situations as confusing as this one.

[Gebidozo]

17 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Whatever the current status of your communication, I think you're wasting time with her based on this and her previous words/behavior.

No good ever comes out of dating someone this inconsistent.

If she's confusing at this early stage, then she will be much worse down the road. And I hope  you won't feel bitter about it when that happens because she's given you ample warning with the multitude of red flags.

People aren’t perfect.

For all we know, she might be confused, scared, vulnerable, insecure. Things were progressing too forcefully for her, and she felt the need to back off. Nothing too strange or alarming. All the OP needs is some understanding and patience, and things might just work out fine.

I don’t see any red flags here. And I don’t think it’s about wasting time. He clearly has feelings for her, let him go and fight and try to win her back. The worst thing that can happen is that he fails and they’ll just be friends. At least he won’t have a gigantic “what if?” hovering over him later.

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

What's the worst that could happen?

Well, I don't want to be an alarmist, but when anything involves the possibility of sex and the matter of consent, you do not proceed unless the other person gives you an unambiguous green light. All this talk about wanting to be friends and then apparently flirting to keep him sexually interested is not a green light. In the past, accusations of rape have emerged from situations as confusing as this one.

Well, it goes without saying that the OP should tread carefully and respectfully here. I agree that her current signal is clearly not green light for sex, it’s probably yellowish-red now, but the OP hardly intends to coerce her to sex at this point, doesn’t he? He is just going to work on trying to switch her back to unambiguous green.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

People aren’t perfect.

For all we know, she might be confused, scared, vulnerable, insecure. Things were progressing too forcefully for her, and she felt the need to back off. Nothing too strange or alarming. All the OP needs is some understanding and patience, and things might just work out fine.

I don’t see any red flags here. And I don’t think it’s about wasting time. He clearly has feelings for her, let him go and fight and try to win her back. The worst thing that can happen is that he fails and they’ll just be friends. At least he won’t have a gigantic “what if?” hovering over him later.

No, people aren't perfect. But people's behaviors in the early phases of dating typically give you a hint as to how they will behave down the road in an actual relationship. Inconsistent/indecisive people tend to remain inconsistent/indecisive. Selfish people tend to remain selfish. Flaky people remain flaky. People who flirt with everything that moves tend to continue doing so and are likely to cheat, etc. If you review the older threads on this forum, you'll see plenty of evidence of these trends.

As I see it, those of us posting here share what we have observed/learned so that somebody else doesn't have to make the same mistakes we or others did. Sometimes we're wrong, and sometimes we're right. It's up to the OP to figure out whose advice is most useful. But in the meantime, it is important for him to have that range of opinions before him.

Now, if someone is confused, scared, vulnerable, etc. to the point that she's behaving dramatically inconsistently with someone she's only seen five times, then she really shouldn't be dating anyone. She should take the time to address her issues first.

For the sake of his self-esteem, I don't think OP should be fighting hard to win over someone who rejected him after they had sex once. In an ideal world, he should love himself enough to focus on someone who reciprocates his feelings.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

No, people aren't perfect. But people's behaviors in the early phases of dating typically give you a hint as to how they will behave down the road in an actual relationship. Inconsistent/indecisive people tend to remain inconsistent/indecisive. Selfish people tend to remain selfish. Flaky people remain flaky. People who flirt with everything that moves tend to continue doing so and are likely to cheat, etc. If you review the older threads on this forum, you'll see plenty of evidence of these trends.

As I see it, those of us posting here share what we have observed/learned so that somebody else doesn't have to make the same mistakes we or others did. Sometimes we're wrong, and sometimes we're right. It's up to the OP to figure out whose advice is most useful. But in the meantime, it is important for him to have that range of opinions before him.

Now, if someone is confused, scared, vulnerable, etc. to the point that she's behaving dramatically inconsistently with someone she's only seen five times, then she really shouldn't be dating anyone. She should take the time to address her issues first.

For the sake of his self-esteem, I don't think OP should be fighting hard to win over someone who rejected him after they had sex once. In an ideal world, he should love himself enough to focus on someone who reciprocates his feelings.

But she probably reciprocates his feelings. According to the OP, she is unsure whether HE has feelings for her. That implies that she does have feelings for him. Otherwise she wouldn’t care about his feelings.

We don’t know what exactly happened there. Maybe the OP was too bent on sex, and she was scared of being used sexually rather than truly loved. Maybe she’s been hurt before, cheated on, abandoned, used, who knows. I don’t see why she can’t date people while still having her issues. She can learn as she goes, and so can the OP.

And I can’t agree with the assumption that people will always behave as they behaved during early stages of relationship. Yes, that happens, but people can also change. Maybe all that girl needs is some love and reassurance, and she’ll be just fine.

 

[Sony12]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, it goes without saying that the OP should tread carefully and respectfully here. I agree that her current signal is clearly not green light for sex, it’s probably yellowish-red now, but the OP hardly intends to coerce her to sex at this point, doesn’t he? He is just going to work on trying to switch her back to unambiguous green.

The OP's attitude toward this whole situation is slightly concerning. Unless he is completely b's'ing here he does seem to be having a difficult time accepting that she very well might not be interested in him romantically anymore. This is the start of how creepy things happen. Not saying that the OP is in that mindset of being a creep just yet but if she continues to tell him no and he continues to refuse the reality of it that is when women start telling dating horror stories. I talk to a lot of different women on these apps and trust me it isn't uncommon to hear stories like this where men refused to accept it was over.

[ExpatInItaly]

When someone wants to start over as friends after just 5 months of dating, it is not a good sign. 

Be careful with your heart here, OP. She sounds fickle and likely to bounce again. 

[JackFlash]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When someone wants to start over as friends after just 5 months of dating, it is not a good sign. 

Be careful with your heart here, OP. She sounds fickle and likely to bounce again. 

2 months but I see your point.

Giving it a shot this weekend and going from there, that's all I can do. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, JackFlash said:

2 months but I see your point.

Giving it a shot this weekend and going from there, that's all I can do. 

Sorry, typo on my part.

But that further underlines the point - when someone is already calling a reset after, what, 8-10 weeks of dating, it doesn't bode well for a future. 

It's very early to be dialing things back to just friends, and I again would encourage you to brace yourself and not put too many eggs in this basket. It's not looking great. 

[Sony12]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry, typo on my part.

But that further underlines the point - when someone is already calling a reset after, what, 8-10 weeks of dating, it doesn't bode well for a future. 

It's very early to be dialing things back to just friends, and I again would encourage you to brace yourself and not put too many eggs in this basket. It's not looking great. 

Generally when someone says let's just be friends or let's start back as friends that soon it means that the way things were going wasn't working for them. Another alarming thing is that she said that immediately after her and the OP had sex for the first time. It definitely sounds like the gal wasn't feeling it (or she was just viewing this whole interaction as a casual ordeal from the get go). Things changing to all of a sudden make the person more attracted to the individual seldom happens. If this young lady gives the OP the cold shoulder again he definitely needs to move on from the situation and look for someone he will have more chemistry with.

 

Edited March 15 by Sony12