Why is it when relationships are in trouble that Talking about "US" is a no no?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

All my husband says is Stop talking about us and things might be better etc...

Why is it that thats the way it should go?

He says when he has something diff to say to me hell come to me but he has heard everything I have to say?

[Tricia]

Com'on Guys-Tell us Pleazzzzzz what this means!!

I hear the same exact thing,it is so frustrating.Us Women want details,why do the Men clam up?

Can't wait to hear the replies on this one,

Blond

[JS17]

I never quite grasped this one myself and being someone who gets uncomfortable talking about "feelings" (besides on LS of course) I should understand it....but I don't.

[westernxer]

What do you mean by "talking about us?"

[dgiirl]

Because it's suffocating. They are checking out of the relationship, but they're not 100% sure. But when you constantly keep bringing up the topic, it's suffocating and annoys them to the point where they'll tip the balances and leave. I'm sure you've broken up with others before? Put yourself in the reverse shoes. How would you feel if your bf kept asking you "Do you still love me?"... what about now?.... what about now?. Over time, it gets frustrating when you have to constantly reassure someone how you feel, and you realize how little self respect the other person has to constantly need reassurance. And if someone doesnt have self respect for themselves, why should I respect them? Obviously they know themselves better than I do, so their must be a reason for me to not respect them. This is why an "as if" attitude and to stop pestering them, crying, pleading and begging is your BEST chance at getting them back, and even then, it's pretty slim. You see it happen all the time tho. People break up, and the dumpee is devastated, they'll do anything, and the dumper runs further and further away. But right when the dumpee starts to get on with their lives, when they dont think about the dumper anymore, here comes the dumper wanting a second chance. WHy? Because the dumpee just got their selfesteem back and are attractive again. That's why they say focus on yourself! It's your ONLY way to get through this.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Everytime I talk to him about it he always tell me what I dont want to hear. Saying i am "poking him" and the more I do that the less of a chance Ill get to ever be with him.

[Tricia]

westernxer What do you mean by "talking about us?":p

 

Thats the mentallity of (most) men.Bless their Hearts,Maybe the just don't know any better.........NOT!!!!

 

j/k West

 

Hopefully we will get some insight to the male mind:o

Blond

[westernxer]

Hopefully we will get some insight to the male mind:o

 

Men are very easy to figure out.

 

Basically, feed me, do me, don't nag me. Then I'll rock your world.

 

That's it.

[Tricia]

Youra Funny one West--an sooooooooo true it is!!!!

[JS17]

dgiirl, it sounds like you are talking about reassurance. Are we not talking about discussing a problem or status of the relationship?

[Yamaha]

Men are very easy to figure out.

 

Basically, feed me, do me, don't nag me. Then I'll rock your world.

 

That's it.

 

So true!!!!

 

We are easy to keep happy.

 

If we're not then which of the 3 are you not doing?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

For now my status is known " he wants out"

But the thing he does not want me to talk about is the problem of why he wants out and if hell chnage his mind.

 

I feed him he wont let me do him and I nag him all the tim

 

Guess I am going to have to stop nagging ....

[fomerlyniceguy]

Men are very easy to figure out.

Basically, feed me, do me, don't nag me. Then I'll rock your world.

That's it.

 

It really is pretty much that simple. As far as it goes the "talking about us" comes in two flavors. One when you talk about us you really mean lets talk about you. I would like this to change, and I would like you to change that. Chances are he won't and for the most part you need to love him the way he is. If they are unacceptable traits he isn't for you move on. Then you have the "let's talk about me" and say that you are willing to change this and that, but there are no actions to back up the talk. Words without action are just that words. Now if those things you say are legitimate then do your part to change them. If they aren't once again move on. A lot of guys don't feel comfortable with direct "let's talk about our feelings" type interactions. Sometimes you have to pick your moments, so that it doesn't feel like a come to jesus meeting. I know one couple that do all there discussions when driving somehow it diffuses the situatuion. Also read between the lines men are more action oriented, They may not say I Love You but they may wash the dishes or check the oil in your car. Believe it or not that means "I Love You" or at the least I care for you. demanding or trying to conjole someone into expressing themselves never works, they need to feel comfortable and at ease about discussing such matters.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

So basically my ACTION would be stop talking about "it" ( easier said that done) and then in turn he would feel comfortable and loved.

He said that even if I were pamela Anderson he stilll would not want to talk about the situation because he feels he said what he has to say for now and then he says who knows what the future might bring.

Its not like he is ruling out a second chnace he just says he does not feel it for right now.

I guess Ill try to stop the nagging and see where it will get me.

[dgiirl]

dgiirl, it sounds like you are talking about reassurance. Are we not talking about discussing a problem or status of the relationship?

 

Well, "Let's talk about us", isnt that really asking "Do you still love me?" I donno. I've never had a "Let's talk about us" conversation with anyone. If it's working, it's working. If it's not, it's not. If you have a specific issue about his habits or something, then you just ask him to stop. No need to keep bringing the topic up over and over again. As for the op, I've been reading her other threads, so I kind of answered her question in that mindset. He wants you to stop talking about "us" because she's just asking for reassurance about the status of their relationship. And it's going to push him further and further away.

 

You tell him once that you love him and these are the things you are willing to work on. No need to constantly tell him you love him, etc.

[Tricia]

An ya know what?Since I stopped letting what he was thinking,doing and saying consume me,I feel so much better.Take back control of your own life.I am hellbent on SHOWING this man what he lost:D Also making myself the BEST I can be in the process-It's a Win Win Situation:)

Tricia

[JS17]

Ah, ok. It seems we are talking about two different things then. I'm also not familiar with the OP's style. Keep giving the good advice dgiirl.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Read this somewhere :

"By changing yourself and how you respond to your spouse, you can change your marriage. I have seen it happen again and again and again. "

 

Could my change be not talk about "us" relationship my changes etc?

[fomerlyniceguy]

Could my change be not talk about "us" relationship my changes etc?

 

Think deeper. It goes beyond that I really don't know your story but from what I've on this thread reassurance is a problem.Your change is to not look to him so much for validation. Look to make your self stronger self confidence is sexy.

[dgiirl]

Read this somewhere :

"By changing yourself and how you respond to your spouse, you can change your marriage. I have seen it happen again and again and again. "

 

Could my change be not talk about "us" relationship my changes etc?

 

Yes, that's one change you can do that will change the relationship. Another is building a life that is not centralized around your husband. Start doing other things that does not revolve around him. Also, make sure your husband shows you respect. We teach people how to treat us, and right now your husband isnt treating you very well. If you interact with him in a confident self assured way instead of a timid person, you WILL change the relationship. You cannot control his actions, but you can control the way you react to them. Tricia's got the right attitude. Something that I had since the very beginning too. He made the decision, but I'm going to make it right! I'm going to make my life so much better than it ever was with him. I'm the one in control of my happiness, not him. And if I'm not happy, the only one I can blame is ME.

 

There's plenty of sources on the net. Marriage Builders and Divorce busting are two of them. Read up on them. Read their books. You'll see the same advice over and over again. Focus on yourself. If you were anything like I was, you know you are too distraught to be attractive to anyone. So your top priority is getting through the pain and getting yourself confidence back. Play reversal. If it was YOU who wanted to leave, would your husband's pleading and begging make them more attractive or less? Or would them leaving you alone, making you GUESS how they are, intrigue you more?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

So far this week I have not mentioned out relationship to my H. We have been getting along so well.

He is calling me Honey and Sweetheart. Spending more time with me in the tv room rather than spending time

on the computer. He even kissed me on the cheek!! I was wondering if you believe time will make this even better

if i consistently give him and easy time will he give in?

I also am feeding him! I stopped nagging!! but still no intimacy... he wont let me near him that way

I love him so much any advice?

[Mz. Pixie]

DWTLH-

 

When your partner is disconnecting from you- they are focused on other things- and you bringing them in to talk about the relationship just makes them feel bad.

 

In your case, I feel like you not talking to him about it is just delaying the whole thing. He wants to leave but he can't because of his citizenship. He's being nice to get what he wants.

 

If you're smart you will get to an attorney and find out what your rights are. Then, by all means, if you want to work on the M- do so but at least be informed. Don't let it be a surprise when he walks.

[westernxer]

Sounds like he's warming up to you, but it's hard to say at this point what the outcome will be.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I know for a fact that he is not planning on living here for good. He just wants to get work experience and a higher education and leave because his family is well off over seas. But does it really sound like he’s warming up?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He also said that is my parents accept him that everything will be so much better.. He said he’s worried about me not talking or having connection with my family because I am married to him. My parents refuse to accept. And he feels rejected by them and just wants peace.