Why is it when relationships are in trouble that Talking about "US" is a no no?

[westernxer]

Wait, where's he from?

 

Does his wanting to leave the U.S. have anything to do with what you're going through?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Hes from N.Africa. No he just wants to get his masters and experience and go back to be near his family. He does not want to be a us citizen and wished he applied for a work visa as oppose to a greencard . They have not let him out the country to see his family in 2 years cause its still pending.

He has no plans to stay here his family is well off all he wants is to get some experience.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have a guy who worked for me from Thailand. His family pressured him into coming to school here and getting the international experience. They want him to work here and then come home to take care of them in their old age- which they consider 50+.

 

He met a woman here in the States and amid his parents disagreement married her and fathered a child. He kept it all a secret from them because they do not like her- class issues etc. They found out and ordered him home. He's back now but I haven't heard what happened.

 

If he loves you he'd be willing to make it work. He's not.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

His parents Love me! But we had a lot of arguments and he said he gave us a

billion chances. I have finally chnaged my ways. He was a sweetheart and I was mean,rude depressed frustrated. And i pushed him away. But now I have totallllllyyyy changed . He notices that and says that time will heal if we stop talking about it.

I love him so much, just want a second chance.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I mean Yesterday we had a great day. He picked me up from work we went to Starbucks and talked about his car. Only one bad thing he said that he is still unhappy with us right now. But then we went home and I cooked dinner I made burgers and fries  and then I made dessert and coffee. And I could see from his face that he looked relaxed. He kept calling me honey/sweetheart. I even earned a kiss on the cheek!!!!! This morning was good as well he asked Honey do you want coffee. And when I said bye he said see you later honey. Its only day 3 since I stopped talkinf about it and I see an improvement in the way we communicate. Do you think hell give in based on what I am telling you? He also is going to tale me shopping to buy an outfit for a holiday party hes going with me to and I asked him do you want to match and he said yes.  But the last thing I heard from him about the marriage is that it is over…

I realized that what I am doing is working in a way… But god knows if he will talk to me about the relationship.

[CaliGuy]

Com'on Guys-Tell us Pleazzzzzz what this means!!

I hear the same exact thing,it is so frustrating.Us Women want details,why do the Men clam up?

Can't wait to hear the replies on this one,

Blond

 

Usually when the relationship is on it's last strings, one of the people in the relationship wants to break away. They want to know how free they are to leave. Our first thought is to cling to them, to keep them from getting away. We do this in many ways.

 

1. Hashing and re-hashing the relationship with them looking for a solution.

2. Giving them gifts/flowers.

3. Professing our undying love for them.

4. Calling them, emailing them or text/IM'ing them a lot.

5. Offering/Doing lots of favors for them.

6. Being overly attentive, etc.

 

All of the above are big no-no's if you want to fix a relationship on the rocks.

 

You must, must let a lover pull away when they want to. You must give them their space and you must do it unconditionally. The reason behind this is simple. They feel trapped right now. They want out of the relationship, or at least they think they do, and everything you do to try and salvage the relationship further boxes them in.

 

Most people feel most comfortable with a relationship when they feel they can leave at any time. It's because they know there is still a challenge to keeping that person and they relish it. It's a game to them. It sucks, I know. It shouldn't be this way.

 

The flip side to that is if you give them their space and they choose to leave, you must be willing to accept that. It follows the NC rule. They need to miss you to know what they had. They can't miss you if you're always around, always stalking them in a desperate attempt to keep them. Those actions will only serve to push them away further.

 

It sucks that not all relationships work out, but there is a reason for that and it's so simple, so wonderful that we often forget:

 

It didn't work out because there is someone better for you coming somewhere down the road. Don't delay finding someone who is truly as in to you as you are of them by wasting your time on someone who doesn't want you and isn't right for you.

 

Knowing the above is what's accelerating my own personal healing process. I deserve someone better and I will find her. Soon.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

How bout in my case?

He is warming up to me.

I love him so much... I have a feeling my parents is whats really bothering him

[CaliGuy]

How bout in my case?

He is warming up to me.

I love him so much... I have a feeling my parents is whats really bothering him

Just take it slow. Make sure you understand why the relationship failed to begin with so the same mistakes are not repeated. If they are, you will just end right back up where you started.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

But my problem is I cant force my parents to accept. And thats the lifestyle chnage he wants.

He is satisfied with the chnaged me but thats not good enough.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Alright about the intimacy part he says he does not want to lead me on thats why he stays away. He says that once it sinks in that we are done with then maybe. He also said that if is top talking to him about the relationship then maybe hell have a diff answer for me.

can you decode this for me please. I feel like killing myself because of frustration.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry sweetie that this is not what you want to hear. He's not sleeping with you because he's more than likely sleeping with someone else.

 

The reason you feel he's warming up to you is that he needs to keep you hanging on until he can do what he wants to do.

 

He just wants you to stop talking about it for all of the reason's we've already listed for you.

 

Are you going to counseling?

[dontwanttoloosehim]

He is home with my every weekeend. He does not go out much on his own.

He told me that if I stop suffocating him he might have a better attitude about things.

[dgiirl]

sweetie, my exh cheated on me during his lunch breaks when i was at work, and chatted with the woman when i was alseep upstairs. I never ever suspected it.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

We work in the same bulding and he picks me up and we go home everyday for lunch. He told me that if i give it a month or 2 just not bother him too much he might have a diff answer for me.

[dgiirl]

is he in your sight 24/7? not almost, but exactly 24/7? I'm not saying he is cheating... i'm just saying you dont know anything for sure.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

so my best bet would be to back off and see what happens? Is it normal for himt o ask me to back off for now?

[Mz. Pixie]

You said he's at home with you every weekend??

 

Where is he during the week nights??

 

I just think it's odd that he would ask for space if he's still in love with you so much.

[dgiirl]

so my best bet would be to back off and see what happens? Is it normal for himt o ask me to back off for now?

 

Honestly? I think you should reread your posts and you should dump his ass. But I know you are not ready to hear or do that.

 

The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. Regardless of which way your situation turns out, all the advice everyone gives you is focus on yourself. Make sure you dont do anything that you'll regret if he does leave you. Keep your self respect and honour. Dont beg him. Dont try to seduce him. If he leaves, you're going to feel really bad about yourself.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I really want to actually stop suffocating him and see where it would take me.

Weeknights he is home or he works until 8-9. His job is very demanding. He goes out with freinds from time to time. And when we are home he is doing his own things. ( we use to spend time with each other around the house).

When we are not talking about the status of the relationship. We get along fine. He also misses his family and did not take a break from work in the last 3 yrs!!

[Mz. Pixie]

You're not ready to listen to anything we have to say, because you're in denial.

 

If everything is fine, he shouldn't care about talking about the relationship.

 

The next time he's working, plan a surprise and show up. You'll get the answers you're looking for I expect.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I have done that before. I know this is all because he is angry at me because of past problems. I just know it from facts i am not assuming.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

Ms. Pixie- So I asked him why talking about the relationship bothers him.

He said he does nto have answers for me right now. He is angry that I chnaged so much after I married him. He says I am sad all the time and he wants to see me happy enjoying myself . He said its not the right time to ask him questions he also told me to just relax and go with the flow. He said let things happen naturally lets not force this.

He says its not that easy to forget the things that happened btwn us. He believes time will heal and said we should just let go for right now until the "air" clears. And me asking him a lot will just piss him off and ruin my chnaces of getting a second chnace.

[CaliGuy]

We work in the same bulding and he picks me up and we go home everyday for lunch. He told me that if i give it a month or 2 just not bother him too much he might have a diff answer for me.

 

He's leaving you hanging on a thread of hope so that he can have his cake and eat it too. Don't play that game. Respect yourself and don't settle for being second best in his mind.

 

Leave him be, go to NC and work on healing yourself. If it's meant to be, it will be, but by hanging on you're delaying the healing process.

[dgiirl]

Also, go read "Love must be tough". It will show you your best chance of saving your marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, you obviously don't need our help then, you've got it all figured out.

 

Come back in a couple of months when you find out what's really going on.